Conspiracy of Silence
—-(definition from Wikipedia) An agreement, either formal or tacit, between two or more parties not to discuss some matter nor to reveal any information concerning it, especially in order to avoid blame, embarrassment, or other discomfort.
“Our lives begin to end, the moment that we become silent about things that matter”
—-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Don’t speak, unless you can improve upon the silence.
—-Quaker Proverb
Choose wisely, oh mankind, the secrets that we keep
For by our choices, we may awaken, or just die asleep
—-Bruce Paullin
PART ONE: INDIVIDUAL CONSCIOUSNESS
“If you really, really knew me, you wouldn’t love me”
—-Often heard in many recovery meetings, and one of the foundational beliefs behind our collective conspiracy of silence
In 1995, my grandmother, Beatrice Henry, came to live with my wife Sharon and myself in our home. She had just been discharged from the hospital, suffering from terminal lymphoma. The oncologist had suggested to the family that she would respond positively to one round of chemotherapy, to “reduce pain and suffering”. Well, the toxins released by that therapy overpowered her kidneys, and sent her into a form of systemic toxicity, causing loss of her clarity of consciousness, and accelerating her deterioration. While staying with us, she showed signs of improving consciousness and awareness, but the treatment was quite the setback for her. One day, one of her granddaughters, Carla, brought her newborn son, Kodiak, over for grandma to see. He was the typical boy baby, healthy and happy, and full of potential. Yet my grandmother, in a most uncharacteristic manner, proclaimed:
“Carla, my, what a homely baby that you have!”
Carla, Sharon and I were all stunned, and surprised. My grandmother loved babies, and always treasured each and every one, yet this response came from a place within her that we did not know or recognize. Later, after her kidneys started functioning again, she regained her clarity. She was to see Kodiak again, and the second time proclaimed
“My, what a handsome baby boy Kodiak is. Carla, you must be very proud!”
My greatest fear is that this book, which is my baby, will be greeted with this same initial response by those who will read it. And yes, much of my story IS HOMELY, and may well repel all but the most courageous and loving among its readers. But, like my cousin Kodiak, this story is full of potential, and points to a healthy and happy state of being, once the “ugliness” is presented and acknowledged. My search for Truth, my “baby” is nothing like anything that the reader has ever seen before. It will be difficult to assess its value and relevance, until it has “an opportunity to grow on the reader”, and the toxicity that the story stirs up is filtered out, and the temptation towards judgement subsides. The story may never have universal appeal, yet, to me, it is my only child, and as such it remains a “handsome boy, full of potential, love, and healing”.
The act of writing this book was a difficult proposition, as I had to overcome a lifetime of internalized oppression, poor self-esteem, and repression of aspects of my spirit. The messages that I received from my world or collective consciousness, as both a child, and as an adult are that I had nothing to say, or what I had to say had little or no value. But, there has been another message occasionally bubbling up within my consciousness that has indicated otherwise, and this work is the culmination of my attempt to honor all of those “whispers of the Spirit”, which have demanded that I deliver their words, regardless of what others might think, or how resistant I might be in sharing them. In the face of the evil and ignorance that predominates our world mind, those who have the sensitivity of the artist, musician, or the voice of the prophet, must continue their best efforts to bring forth the Word, even while our civilization continues its inexorable slide into chaos, hatred, and planetary destruction. This work is the culmination of my own efforts in that direction.
In your own experience, if you have never dealt directly with a mentally ill family member, drug addict or alcoholic, or had a desire to search for a new understanding and/or direction for your own life, this story may carry little meaning and have no value for you. When you watch the news, and witness all of the dysfunction of our world, if you are a disinterested, disconnected spectator, your emotions will not become engaged, nor will you be moved to action. The intention to heal can carry almost anyone to their own unique “promised land” of recovery, but without that intention, all hope for healing is lost. As I was finally to learn, intention is the very slingshot which launches our will into the human universe, and the universe ALWAYS returns back to us the energy that we have given, often times in the most unexpected of ways. Learning to fine tune those intentions for healthier outcomes is akin to the preparation for prayer, a process well-known to the spiritual community.
It has been said by friends and family that I have created quite the unique life experience for myself, though it certainly was not newsworthy or extraordinary in any obvious ways. I believe that the best part of the story lies in my lessons learned from my life, rather than the details about my family and my personal history, so I hope that I don’t lose the reader before the treasure that I mined gets unearthed. I have included many aspects of my personal life in the following story, because there is a direct connection between what unfolded in my life while being a masculine energy dominated addict, alcoholic, and mentally ill human being, and the patriarchy that is unfolding in our world today. In some cases, I will allow the reader to draw their own conclusions about our culture’s dangerous trends.
Life was never an easy journey for me, and had it not been for some deep need to understand my dysfunctional process, and try to find the underlying truth amid my personal chaos, I would have passed away long ago. Some wounds are so deep, and primal, that just pasting new names onto aspects of the disease are not enough. Names are only a convenience for communication, and are never comprehensive and inclusive enough to completely reveal the true natures of what they were created for in our minds to represent in the first place. Naming tends to attach a dynamic process to a fixed point in time and space, and thus lodges it in the past. And, just being conversational about the details of life does not dislodge the detritus from our field of consciousness.
The Devil is in the details, figuratively speaking, and if our need is for change, we need to find a way to see under the vast matrix of details that only float on the surface on the mind . We who still choose to name processes must also have personally explored and experienced the movements through consciousness, and found the way to the silence at the foundation of our being. Otherwise, the process of naming, and the resulting stories that arise from naming, are just more intellectual knowledge and entertainment for a superficial mind, and will not pry open the healing doors to insight and wisdom. The intellectual and the atheist, though possessing finely tuned minds, can never explore the mystery, and the depth, of the human soul, and comprehend that we all have a connection with Infinity.
I did not develop verbal abilities until relatively late in my childhood My sister reports that she spoke for me until I developed the capacity, or inclination, to speak. Once I started talking (close to age 4) I proved that I had the capacity for speech, and A LOT OF IT. My father wondered, at times, if I would ever shut up. I proved to be quite precocious, once I engaged my verbal skills. I remember that I would start talking about things that were around me, giving new information that my parents had no knowledge about. My parents thought that there was no way for me to know anything about what I was spouting off about, so I was mostly ignored. But I can remember how good it felt to be talking, and sharing the excitement of the magic of words exploding in my mind!
I intuited quite early that built-in to the very fabric of words is an access to imagination and knowledge beyond the word, or sequence of words, spoken. Looking back now, I can see also the incredible capacity of the human mind to represent the real world with words and internal imagery, as well as to create false realities while remaining utterly convinced of their “truth”, even in the face of non-supporting facts. This book touches extensively upon the many false realities, that I, as an individual person, and as a collective, acculturated human being was subjected to and unconsciously adapted to throughout the course of my life.
From 1971 through 1987, as a practicing alcoholic and drug addict, and mentally ill human being, I lost all freedom of choice. I belonged to the “death wish core group” of Americans, who lived lives of desperation, addiction, suicidal ideation, and mental illness. We all sought an early death, either by our own hands, through our addictions, or by the poor health and relationship decisions that we continued to make. And while we contemplated our own end, we witnessed a world is in the midst of its own collective march towards suicide.
Crippled Inside, by John Lennon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otwuTetDSUs
A spiritual awakening process beginning in 1987 was the beginning of my exit from the chaotic mindset that characterized my life up to that point. Since 1987, I have chosen to live life more fully, with good health, happiness and with almost continuous sobriety. My own living, dynamic story had to become forefront in my mind, and having examined my life to its deepest core, I could see what was the source of my own spiritual disease and despair. And, I finally found a way to describe the foundational dynamics of both personal and collective consciousness that contributed to my disease, and to all of our suffering.
The following book is a mantle woven together by the words and stories that I have chosen to represent my life experience. I wear this garment in honor of all those who have preceded me, and for those who still walk beside me in spirit, in love, and in healing. I honor my parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and countless generations past. I honor those who have sacrificed their lives to their diseases of the body, and of the Spirit, be they the addict, alcoholic, mentally ill, victim of violence, or the so-called normal person who struggled with comprehending the insanity in their own life, and of their civilization, and died before finding healing. I honor those who are still alive, and suffering under the forces of oppression and repression that characterize much of life lived under our present economic, religious, and political systems. I honor those who will take the time to consider this work, and I also those who will never find the opportunity or the willingness to do so.
This is not a self-help or pop psychology/spirituality book. I will not be appealing to the ego, nor will I explicitly attempt to make anybody feel good about life, and their prospects for economic, social, or spiritual success. I am not seeking money, respect or adoration. I am not engaged in any people-pleasing need, or out of any passive-aggressive need to hurt the world, without letting the world know why I was angry or distressed with it in the first place. All that I ask is that one suspend judgement for a few hours. and treat this manuscript like it is a meditation on life. Tune into the heart, and attempt to listen to what has been written here, and see if compassion, insight, and wisdom can reveal itself, as I attempt to reveal my own life. I had to walk through many miles of underbrush, stickers, thorny bushes, weeds, stinging nettles, and mud to get to my mountain top, so be prepared for an uneven journey to the place in the book where the greatest, most far-reaching views are finally presented. Life is sometimes like the childhood game of Chutes and Ladders, so I will not solely be expounding from upon the spiritual mountaintops of peace and love for all beings, nor from the darkened valleys of suffering and death.
In this book, I address our personal and collective consciousness, the potential for both dysfunction and recovery, as well as our attempts at connection with humanity’s highest potential. The subjects of Toxic Religion and Toxic Masculinity are addressed, which remain major forces for the propagation of ignorance and social disease, and the environmental destruction which we are now collectively witnessing and that we are being directly impacted by. Toxic masculinity leads directly to toxic religions, toxic society and toxic capitalism, factors which are soiling and eroding the very fabric of life woven through and upon our beautiful, sacred planet Earth. Our world remains both addicted to and intoxicated by its masculine hubris, greed, insensitivity, and the continuing domination and subjugation of all feminine energy. Callous, hate filled masculine energy runs rampant in our world, victimizing and destroying sacred life in all forms, while capitalists and other opportunists profit from our own destruction.
I am disturbed by what is now unfolding within our country, and what I have experienced in my own life, over the course of nearly sixty-three years. A recent book club meeting that was held at our house in November of 2016 exposed me to Sheila Hamilton, a local disc jockey for KINK.FM radio, and five time Emmy award-winning journalist. She visited our home, and shared with our book club insights into her life, and her marriage with David Krol, her deceased husband who had committed suicide. While reading Ms. Hamilton’s book “All the Things We Never Knew”, I was struck by how Sheila had to piece together what David’s inner experience must have been, as David did not communicate to others his inner turmoil and chaos effectively. I felt a need to give another voice for our shared disease.
I will be recounting my own drama and internal struggles, with the hope that I bring to verbal light some of the inner workings of my own mind and life as it existed when I was mentally ill, as well as while I was upon the journey back to wholeness. I am a three-time diagnosed depressed individual, as well as a recovering addict/alcoholic. I have the label and experience of a dual-diagnosis human being. Dual diagnosis is the term used when a person has a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) and a problem with alcohol or drugs. We are one of the dark castes of our society, and, collectively, our spirits are stymied, and our voices have been quieted.
We live and operate in the background of our culture, and our message will not be spoken and cannot be acknowledged because of the Conspiracy of Silence predominating within our culture. Our culture is broken, which leads to broken people, and families. Yet, collectively, America has created a culture of denial, where we don’t look at our fundamental problems together, and confront them directly. To the extent that the broken individual might indicate a brokenness of our culture, is the extent that the broken individual is marginalized and minimized by the entrenched power brokers of our civilization and their sycophants. There are many economic, religious, and political leaders who have derived the greatest personal and economic benefits through the exploitation of the those who have no voice, and it is perceived as an existential threat to them to examine the damaged structure that gave rise to their own predominance.
John 1.1-From New Testament Of Christian Bible
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
Yet, another layer of the Conspiracy of Silence exists around the Divine, Higher Power, God, or Truth. Organized religions, intellectual savants and those parading as atheists, and political powers all too often obfuscate the truth that underlies all of our existence. When Pontius Pilate asked Jesus “what is truth?”, Jesus, as the story goes, could only be silent in the face of the greatest power of the day. The question “What is truth?” was intended as mockery, and that principle continues to this day. Speaking truth to power is not an easy or automatic proposition, no matter how “enlightened” one might appear to be. Truth is more like a continuous rainfall upon rocky mountains. It does not immediately displace all of the edges of eons of ignorance, but, over time, it finally erodes the roughest of terrains, and exposes the deeper layers of existence where a new level of experience is to be found. Those who are not patient will be mortally wounded by thrusting themselves too aggressively against the sharp edges from our human monuments to stupidity and ignorance that all too often act as controlling powers within civilization.
Those who touch the Infinite relate back to the world the ineffability of the experience, though they have been deeply impacted by that contact. The universe of Spirit defies rationality, though it will eventually speak intelligently through the healed human mind. First, the mind has to be properly prepared, and then it must be willing to communicate, no matter how mighty the struggle may be to interpret or express its energy. But if the mind is overburdened by education, knowledge, religious and cultural inculcation, the Infinite will be speaking through distorted measures of reality, creating illusion, deception, and delusion. A look at Joseph Smith and his revelations, and the LDS movement that subsequently arose from this process, is a great example of the corrupted marriage of spirituality and truth with hallucination and delusion. This type of spiritual corruption only further confuses and alienates those seeking a deeper truth within organized religion while still in possession of keen wits and finely tuned minds.
With ignorant Christian philosophers,scholars, and ministers continuing to interpret and promote the Word as only Jesus Christ, in their minds humanity remains relegated to outcasts from the “Garden Of Eden” and will remain on the outside of the universality of our divine heritage and potential for eternity, or until Jesus is accepted as a personal savior. And watch out for all of the nonsense that is propagated around the concept of Armageddon. This is important, because these beliefs contribute mightily to the Common Knowledge Game of human perception, which is a socially and culturally inculcated system for assessing and judging against all others unlike the observers. Most of the world does not hold these beliefs in Jesus as the Savior, though many of us have been victimized by them! With our American judicial and political processes still impacted by, and in some cases dominated by, so-called “Christian ideals”, it is easy to see the potential for collective persecution of and discrimination against those not conforming to these ideals.
And, much of our American religious landscape remains dominated by blind adherence to Patriarchy, which manifests through Toxic Masculinity and Toxic Religion, with their qualities of greed and rampant selfishness, outright hatred or indifference to others unlike themselves, and self-destructiveness, and all of the planetary destructive evil that emanates from it. When the writer quoted from in the Bible proclaimed that we “be fruitful and multiply”, that writer did not intend for our race to become a planet ravaging virus, through overpopulation, pollution, extinction of 1000’s of species, genocide, religious persecution, greed, and competition, yet our race has been fruitful, and multiplied our collective ignorance and evil exponentially.
It has been a great challenge and adventure living this life. It has also been a great fulfillment for me to have lived long enough and to have become articulate enough to be able to put into words my unique experience of life. It may be time to PUNCH A NAZI, in whatever form it takes, but it is best to first master the Nazi within our own minds. The fundamental oppressive force in the human universe is not our wayward religious, political, economic, or social agendas or systems, however, as the fundamental problem arise within the human mind itself. Jesus Christ would be crucified again, and Muhammad and the Buddha, were they alive today, would be ignored or attacked, in today’s diseased, divisive, dark money controlled political, social, and religious climate.
Punch A Nazi sign at rally to stop the human rights abuses of immigrant children and their parents by the Trump administration, June 30, 2018 at Portland, Oregon.
There is an inmost center in us all, where truth abides in fullness;….and, to know, rather consists in opening out a way where the imprisoned splendor may escape, then in effecting entry for a light supposed to be without.”
—-Robert Browning
How did I attempt to bring healing to my broken interior? I first acknowledged that, of myself and my old ways, I was heading nowhere, and that I was doomed to repeat the same potentially fatal mistakes over and over again I did have any childhood training in, nor did I spontaneously develop capacities for insight, positive change and growth. I first needed to develop the emotional and spiritual fortitude to look at the entirety of my life, and then incorporate the experience for my greater good, which also impacts the whole of life in a more positive manner. By developing the power of insight, I brought a new level of healing and awareness into this new, present moment of experience. Some call this process “mindfulness:, though I just call it ‘taking personal inventory’, and improving my “conscious contact with my higher power” as I learned through practicing the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have come to believe that there is a “power greater than myself” that lives within my internal reach that restores me to sanity, no matter how often I might fall. Part of maintaining sanity is to allow for a continuous evolution of understanding and experience of what “God” or “Higher Power” is, apart from religious dogma, ignorance, politics, and superstition.
There was no minister, church, support group, therapist, Care Unit counselor, Indian guru, psychiatrist, mother, father, sister, wife, friend, daughter, son, pet dog, or Jesus Christ figure that could dig into my unique version of the human soul, and remove the thorns/swords that had been thrust into my side since my birth. My internal wounding and the resultant unsustainable suffering became the impetus to begin my inward journey, to face the absolute darkest areas of life itself, and then mine the treasure from my unique relationship with the dark force or shadow. To not face myself would mean to continue living the second-hand/passed down story of dysfunction that I inherited from our culture and from my ancestors, from which we cannot ever completely heal, without first becoming aware of our internalized, unconscious subservience to those controlling agendas.
This is my story about my exploration of some of the more fundamental aspects of my consciousness, and, thus, of all human consciousness. Virtually all of the interesting characters in history have struggled with, and have overcome, at least to some degree, a dark internal force, and it is their journey that becomes the stuff of great stories and legends. I will try to give a context to this distress that I share with the rest of humanity. For, the one is the many, and the many are the one.
It was revealed to me that there are two fundamental cores to my personal dysfunction. It is around these cores that the whole of my consciousness swirled around, as if drawn and disfigured by two distinct, though interconnected, black holes of negative influence. The length of the story reveals the level of my resistance to life, an extreme resistance that may have begun in my mothers’ womb, or, maybe, it extends all the way back to the beginning of human consciousness, but, the start date is unimportant. What is important is the intention to bring healing to a darkened situation. The story that follows is my testimony to the complexity and the rewards of this process.
Structurally, I have developed this project into three parts. First, there is my personal history, with some references back to our shared reality, or collective consciousness. Second, there are my lessons learned about collective consciousness, with a lot of references back to my personal experiences. And, finally, I have included a parable written about recovery from alcoholism. Parts One and Two are inextricably intertwined, and the separation will be seen to be mainly for organizational convenience. My life since my birth in 1955 is the obvious link between the three creative works. There are the individual, cultural, and divine vibrations which constitute the rainbow of my being, and the colors of my rainbow stretch throughout the three phases of this work.
In Part One, I will give a thumbnail sketch of my mother’s, father’s and grandparents’ lives to provide a rudimentary foundation for my story. My personal history will be extensively developed, including my childhood, my first love, where I will address issues around my first wife and her mental illness , my fall into addiction, suicidal ideation, and, ultimately, my immersion into an underworld experience, and my remarkable awakening that occurred after the exit from that world. I will discuss prayer, and several spiritual and cosmic consciousness oriented events. I will eventually bring my life experience up to the present moment, after documenting a relapse which occurred two years prior to my mother’s death. I will refer to a life-altering friendship with a long-term friend, Marty Crouch, who died in 2017. I will finish my life’s story with some of the greatest teachings that life has revealed to me. This project has taken on epic proportions for me, while appearing quite fragmented, and repetitive at times, qualities which parallel my real life experience.
In Part Two, the collective consciousness section, I will attempt to address the early death syndrome in the American male, and make a few references to the forces of addiction and oppression within our society, and the repression of our inner nature. Those dark forces are known by me as Toxic Masculinity and Toxic Religion. They are major spiritually disfiguring forces both within our American culture, and within myself. I will attempt to address difficult human emotions, and problems with expressing them skillfully. I will make a commentary on my rocky relationship with American Christianity, and why I am no longer directly associated with that broken philosophy. I will make occasional comments on our wayward American President, Donald Trump, and the disease of the spirit that makes his presidency and those damaged souls who continue to support his madness possible. I will not be addressing our cultures problems with physical fitness, or environmental, water and food supply toxicity, which are important issues, but are better left to the medical writers, and environmental and nutritional scientists.
In Part Three, I have included a parable that I wrote about alcoholism and the family. It is not specifically based upon the details of my own life, but it does carry much of the same energy that I experienced while living as an alcoholic. I wrote the parable in March of 2017 while undergoing a traumatic, empathic process around the brain cancer of a friend, while also attempting to heal from a fundamental oppressive force within myself and all of consciousness, which prevented me from fully speaking my truth.
Interspersed throughout the story are the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, brief quotes from the Christian bible (don’t worry, I am not a fundamentalist, nor even a member of that body of thought) as well as several songs by musicians that have a relevant message. There will also be a few poems, some of which were written by me. I have included some memes, links to other websites, and a couple of comics, as well.
“It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
—-Jiddu Krishnamurti
American society has created the perfect conditions for our population to practice insanity and addictive behaviors, but it remains up to us as individuals to create our own conditions for recovery. Self-awareness, personal inventory, making amends to all that we have harmed, working a strong spiritual program, mindfulness, meditation, eating healthier and exercising wisely, and hanging around like-minded people took me to the outskirts of my own “promised land”. Life isn’t always pretty, but I remain personally responsible for my attitudes and behaviors, and I retain freedom of choice in most of my affairs. But, many have lost all such freedom of choice. I have much compassion for those who still struggle with mental illness and alcoholism/drug addiction. It is no mystery to me as to why those who still suffer choose death through suicide or continued dysfunction over a healing path.
Collective consciousness is comprised of all of the answers that our culture, our families, and all of our individual selves have dreamed up to some of the great questions of life. The answers have become part of our philosophy, our history, our religion, the substance of our hopes and dreams, and the foundation for all of our nightmares. My journey towards healing is documented below. I will first briefly address the seed consciousness, where my own answers to the important questions of life gave rise to my interpretation of life, and of the universe. My incomplete and inaccurate answers became the unstable foundation for my journey through collective consciousness, spurring me onto new paths of consciousness, in the eternal search for meaning, truth, beauty, healing, and, ultimately, God. It is this very matrix of misunderstanding that we all must eventually embrace within ourselves, see it for what it really is, and isn’t, and then move through the illusions of self to the very foundation of our timeless soul, where peace and healing eternally resides.
Questions that I have pondered:
Why does suffering exist, and why does it visit me so often?
Who and what am I?
Is happiness, joy, and freedom possible in my life?
What am I really looking for, and will I ever find it?
What really is prayer?
Does religion have relevance anymore?
Can there be any truth. love, or justice to be found in the 21st century version of American Christianity?
What happened to the moral and ethical authority once touted as being endemic to Christianity?
Does religion hinder or help a modern-day seeker of God?
What is a “well lived life” and how do I achieve it?
What is good mental health, or what does it mean to be normal?
Who are my “people”, and where are they located?
Why do people cling to certain groups of people, and reject all others, and why do I feel rejected so often?
Why don’t people get along better with each other, and why have I become so isolated?
Will I ever fit in? Will anyone ever notice me?
Why don’t I feel peace of mind?
What is death, and what does it mean to die to myself?
Why does our society and much of the world’s population continue to not experience peace of mind, with beauty, wonder, and the innate internal integrity of our (potentially) divine nature, and what might I do to attain these qualities?
Why is history defined predominantly by male energy, and why does my own life story spin so tightly around the male gender and its destructive byproducts?
Why do some men become spiritually and emotionally disfigured by their desire for sex?
Can men ever completely overcome objectifying women in their relationships with them?
Why do some men exercise excessive emotional control over their partners?
Why do I not feel satisfaction when I achieve the goals that I have set up for myself?
Why do I always seem to “self-destruct” right at the moment when I am about to achieve great success?
Will I ever completely understand myself, and others?
What is oppression, and what is my relationship to it?
What is repression, and why do I participate in it?
Why is expressing real human emotions such a double-edged sword, and why are my feelings so hard to identify sometimes?
Why are some people always so angry, indifferent, detached, or depressed, and can these people ever see me for who I am?
Why is anxiety the defining feeling of this age, and why is it so hard to heal from it?
Where is the love that I feel is missing from my life?
Why don’t I feel more love for myself or for others?
Why do I continue to experience poor self-esteem?
Why is our culture so focused on youth and physical appearance?
Why am I so self-conscious, and will I ever be accepted for who I am?
Why do I feel that I have to always be competitive, or “better than the others” just to fit in?
Why is competition and greed, as presently coupled with Capitalism, the predominant economic system in our world?
Why does shame and guilt control so much of my life’s experience?
Is it possible to speak or live a lie long enough that we no longer can accept or believe the truth?
Is a person’s silence because of an absence of opinion, or from a fear of speaking the truth?
Why can’t some people be more emotionally and spiritually present for others?
Why do people feel that they need to engage in mutual “control dramas”?
Why do people endlessly pursue entertainment and/or use drugs and alcohol to excess, and ignore their own personal transformation and healing?
Why is just more knowledge so much more important than intuition, wisdom and insight to most men and left brained dominated women?
Why is collaboration such a dirty word for a national political process?
Why do I have no desire to contribute to society in a more generous and meaningful way?
Will America Ever Fully Awaken?
My story attempts to address some of these questions, and my answers may have a more universal application than to just my limited life experience. To answer all of these questions would require a series of trite responses, or a 5000 page book, as there are no easy answers. Please forgive me in advance if my insights and realizations appear obvious and simple. This book is a presentation of my own unique perspective, and it will not conform to others’ expectations of what the “Truth” should look like.
My story will be told through more than one linear time line, with some overlap between the stories. There will be no lurid tales of debauchery (well, maybe a reference or two), nor did I ever engage in overt acts of aggression or crimes against my fellow-man, though I certainly carried the capacity for all manners of the evil inherent in the human mind. While a practicing addict/alcoholic, I drove intoxicated over two thousand times, and I never hurt or killed anyone, though there were many near misses. In alcoholic blackouts, I participated in potentially murderous activity, and I also contemplated horrible behavior, but good fortune saved the day for me, and for the world.
In my journey through Portland’s underworld community, I associated with people who had acted on all manners of ignorance, evil, and darkness, and many lives had been destroyed or damaged as a result of their behaviors. No human being remains unaffected by our damaged common core of consciousness, whether we personally express it, are impacted directly by it from others, or only read about it in the newspapers or on Facebook. For the truth is, our core of collective consciousness gets transmitted from our minds to the rest of the universe, and we receive back from collective consciousness, as if it were an eternally uttered prayer shared by all of humanity.
One of my problems with religion in general, their prophets and their messengers, and their associated religious texts, is that they take a scatter-gun approach to delivering their message. Most of their “truths” are hard to digest, and they tend to speak AT the listener or student, rather than speaking TO the student or practitioner. There are those blessed few who are attuned to the inner value or meaning of the truth being delivered, and it is said that those are the ones who were either born with or somehow learned how to develop and practice spiritual discernment. The message speaks TO the listener, and in the hearing, hope for change is stimulated, and the internal motivation to make necessary changes in course begins a new process for that life. There is one more step, however, with religious attainment, or attunement. Only a few in recorded history have developed the capacity to have their religion, their God, their Buddha Mind, their Christ Consciousness speak THROUGH them. In Christian mystical terms, this is the word made flesh, and dwelling among us. Ministers and politicians ever so rarely qualify for this exalted state, as experts and practitioners of the law rarely have access to the spirit behind it. Watch out for television preachers and evangelicals, as they are money accumulating propagators of illusion, delusion, deception, and fear, and they prey on the ignorant, and the innocent.
If this book finally finds one reader, who feels like this work only speaks AT them, then the work has little lasting value. If the reader feels that this work speaks TO them in some way, however, then a true connection has been made, and human energy has been exchanged, for the betterment of the reader and the writer. This is a fundamental form of energy exchange, or prayer. But if a reader somehow finds a truth within this work that resonates within their mind and heart, to the point of dislodging some repressed or oppressed divine energy, an enlightenment or liberation is attained that the whole human race has the potential to benefit from. If healing, wholeness, or divinity subsequently speaks THROUGH the reader, then this becomes a form of prayer that genuinely has the chance to heal the planet. To this point, nothing I have ever said or written has led anybody into the “promised land”, so I would be happy if this story somehow finds a way to speak TO a few readers. We can then share in a prayer with the potential to bring healing, wholeness, and divinity to us and the consciousness that we presently share. I will leave liberation and enlightenment to the spiritual savants, and to the students that insist on hanging onto their every word.
I Looked For My Soul (by William Blake)
I looked for my soul,
But my soul I could not see.
I looked for my God,
But my God eluded me.
I looked for a friend,
And then I found all three.
There is a unique path that each one of us must take, to find our greatest good. Those who continue to follow other people’s routes, at the exclusion of the route that their own internal GPS system is generating, risk losing all, including their freedom and their unique life expression. Trying to fit in with and adapt to insanity, and the continuing attempts to normalize it, is the foundation for mental illness, and for our present day corrupted economic, political, and religious systems. The following story indicates my path towards wholeness and spiritual integrity, while moving away from our culture’s schizophrenia..
May we all become friends of the Spirit.
U2–Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ki5keBCz8DQ
LESSONS LEARNED
U2–There Is A Light
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG88leSvR4A
I just want to note some very important lessons that I have gleaned from my travel down my wandering, dotted lined path of life.
Suicide begins with the loss of personal meaning and choices for life, with their companions of depression, alienation, isolation and loneliness. Suicide is the ultimate act of oppression against self, which has already been oppressed and repressed since birth. Suicide is a cruel act of violence against self, family, friends, and the supporting community. Suicide is the only solution for desperate souls who have reached the end of their options. Our society continues to churn out potential suicide victims at a catastrophic rate, and that rate will only increase, as the disease within our culture continues to increase.
If I want to make dramatic changes in my life, the desire has to come from a place deep within myself. I will not change because my wife and family, my friends, my minister at church, my employer, my political leaders, or my “people pleasing” attitudes cajole or advise me to change. If I become conscious that my behavior is causing irreparable harm to myself, to other human beings, to our animal brothers and sisters, and/or to the sustainability for life on this planet, then I must understand that my behavior is insane, and unless I have a death wish for myself, or against others, I will seek for a higher power or energy to overcome my present insanity. Insanity can be healed, if it is recognized that at its source are habituated thoughts and feelings Insight changes attitudes, insight changes behaviors, and insight changes lives. To change my world, I first change myself, through insight, meditation, making amends to all people that I may have harmed through my insanity, and through carrying the message of recovery and healing to all who are interested in not only hearing my story, but bringing healing to their own lives, as well.
Always question prevailing attitudes and philosophies of the people in power, be they politicians, employers, pop psychology or spirituality gurus, or religious figures. Healthy skepticism is warranted whenever a person or organization tries to exert pressure on individuals to conform to certain beliefs or traditions. Never sit idly by while witnessing injustice or unfair and hurtful judgement meted out by the people in power against innocent people. By your silence, you are supporting the ignorant and the evil doers. They will use your silence to claim that you were in full support of their abhorrent behavior.
Never let someone speak for us, we are responsible for bringing our voice into the world, and having it heard. Never take for granted our right to freedom of speech and its expression, both at home and in the marketplace. Find the way to express yourself without sacrificing your integrity, and stand up tall and strong in the face of any ignorant, unfair or unwarranted criticism. You will “cast your pearls before swine”. Our hard-earned deepest truths have little value to those who are considered hypnotized, which are many of the “civilized” and “normalized” citizens within this diseased culture of ours. If they cannot see how your wisdom will increase the size of their bank accounts, increase their prestige and popularity, get them more or better sex, or just generally appeal to their ego, it will have little value, except “laughing value”. “A prophet is never respected in their own hometown”.
Healthy anger at people, situations, politicians, religious figures, and abusive family members is not only acceptable behavior, it is required for honoring the truth of the moment, and to retain spiritual integrity. Do not follow those well-meaning souls who claim that all anger is hatred, for that is simply not true. Anger becomes dangerous when it does not naturally arise from the moment, but instead from animal/tribal instinct, memory and religious and cultural conditioning. Oppression and repression are birthed through incomplete and prematurely aborted responses to environmental threats. Institutionalized anger, or hatred, arises from memory, inadequate education, and emotional immaturity, and can be stoked by politicians and religious leaders with ignorant and evil agendas, and it is dangerous, being the source or racism, war, hatred, alienation, and cultural insanity.
It is revealing to note how the experience of “enlightenment” allows for the love for all people, and respect for all philosophies, yet promotes no religion or philosophy, as such, for its own support. The prerequisites are a desire for change, self-honesty, insight, mindfulness, meditation, and the developed ability to see beyond the controlling mirages of cultural and religious conditioning. Yet, religions, and their followers, tend to strongly move in tight circles around their own adherents and practices, and often exclude others from their spiritual “inner circles”. And those who point to the benefits of non-religious, spiritual enlightenment are regarded suspiciously, and, in some cases, as manifestations of Satan, or Infidels, by those who claim to be “religious”.
It is healthy to acknowledge that we all need each other. I can’t do this life alone, nor would I ever want that for myself. We are here to help each other, and to love each other. Each moment can either be a new beginning, or just the continuation of a painful past where all of human suffering arises from. It is our choice as to how we will experience this moment. I must be willing to travel new paths of consciousness, and never to become too attached to any particular memory, or teacher and their teachings, as it is up to me to work out my own “salvation”. When I let go of the controls, including my own internalized forms of institutionalized thoughts, when I let go of time based thoughts and expectations, when I respect the truth that many times the presence and wisdom of the Great Unknown, rather than just more information and knowledge, is what I am best fed with, that is when I am truly trusting the life force which has always supported me, whether I have recognized its presence or not.
While incarnated into human form, with our poorly illuminated human minds, we can only witness the projections of our minds. All that we will ever see, unto whatever eternity that we can possibly conceive of, is our self, so the most important question for each day is “how will I see myself today?” The answer to that question determines whether I can see through the eyes of the truth of this moment, or just the limited eyes of the past. Each person that I meet either is one of the infinite manifestations of God, deserving ultimate respect and love, or they become just another dead illusion of my aging, conditioned mind. The insight gained through mindful self-examination can erase the blocks to Love’s awareness, and imbue life with a new meaning.
The ultimate truth is that “you can’t be real”. For in God’s eyes, there is only one self, one love, one existence, with an infinitude of manifestations. There is no room for “you and me” in ultimate truth, though we must continue to make room for that “illusion” in the relative truth of this world, through practicing forgiveness and letting go, until the final ascension into “enlightenment” or complete spiritual understanding. Finding the true connecting link is the journey into wholeness that our human race must undertake, if it is to survive. When we see our brother and sister as our own self, then we are home. This connecting link is not to be found through our digital devices, or through our “best thinking” or philosophies. It will unfold when we learn how to no longer think time based thoughts, but, instead, eternity based thoughts. That is the only place where Unity will ever be experienced.
To be in realization of Truth, is to find that God’s High Mount is just an illusion to climb
Like a virus it infects and controls the innocent, and all fearful, desirous minds.
The non-illuminated, restless mind remains forever devoid of Love’s Rhyme and Truth’s Reason
And it only chases after mirages, until it looks within, and sees the movements that are guilty of treason.
Finally, mysticism is at the core of all religions. Each of us is a mystic, should we shed the oppressive and repressive energies of familial, cultural and religious conditioning. Each one of us should become the leader of our own internal movement towards truth, beauty, love, intelligence, awe, wonder, grace, and miracles. What is the difference between the “mind of God” and the “mind of man”? Ah, the answer is there, for you to discover for yourself. You should never just accept my answers, without your own deepest inquiries into your own personal truth.
If it is a desire from the Heart, never stop seeking that which seems unattainable.
To see eternity, is to first witness the self without fear and judgement, and then see through the illusions of self to the Heart of Truth.
Conclusion:
My “spirit rocket” now lifts off daily, without the extra encumbrance of religious and cultural misunderstanding, judgement, and the superstition which impedes all spiritual progress. Love and acceptance of myself and all others, INCLUDING ALL ANIMAL LIFE, now unfolds within me as my primary, life affirming propellant.
This story has presented a small portion of my journey towards healing. As each individual is unique, please do not use my experience to minimize, or maximize, your own. We must eventually find our own direction for life, and not only learn how to think for myself, but learn how to think and feel, AND TRULY BE ONE WITH OTHERS IN A NON-CONTROLLING, NON-JUDGMENTAL MANNER, thus being with each other with compassion and in communion. When our goal has finally been spotted-or, has spotted us-we each can make our own, unique path towards it. The trail that each one of us blazes is as important as any path made by any prophet who has ever lived, or will live. It is only our ego, or the egos of the hero worshipers of other faiths that would say otherwise.
I still remain concerned for the “unaware ignorance” that is so prevalent within many sections of our society, including elements within the American Christian church, of which I no longer feel connected to. Using a church to get to the truth and beauty of Life is like using an old Volkswagen Beetle to drive around the world, with a worn out, outdated map. It is much too philosophically restrictive, time-consuming, with no guarantee that anybody will ever arrive, no matter how much we try to match “what Jesus would do”, or what the other “prophets” advise us. It is about what we are not doing well, and where we can improve, right now, in this moment, to help unfold divine intention. Positive change follows the hearts’ intentions, if they are pure
The quickest way to prepare for the new world order (which was once the old world order, by the way) is to get outside of the house, the computer, the movie theater, the Facebook pages, etc. and start getting acquainted with the great outdoors. Once we are free from the encumbrances of our daily lives, we may be more receptive to the call of our spirit. We are not connected to God through our technology. In fact, most of our media related technology has separated us from the quiet state of being that allows God’s will to be readily accepted into consciousness. Gaia is a living being, and is the true “son-daughter of God”. And yes, we are children of that sacred child. God’s face is seen clearly, once the detritus of human misunderstanding is moved aside long enough so that Reality may emerge, once again.
Technology is only a tool, though it has become another new world religion, a way of life for far too many people. Our country, and our world, shows the collective effects of falling far short of meeting or even acknowledging the existence of our spiritual needs, or attempting to meet our spiritual needs through illusory processes. Most of our media devices have continued the promotion and distribution of cultural hypnosis, and most people continue to be separated from a greater good through that process. The world exists in a state of hypnosis, and it is easy to see that truth when the mind finally takes itself off of the grid of shared cultural and religious misunderstanding. We can pull our eyes off of the phone display for a moment, and engage the person next to us in conversation. We will all benefit from the exchange. We do not benefit in any spiritual or social way by remaining glued to our phones.
Taking dominion over the world, and then destroying its wildlife, forests, rivers, oceans, and lands was never part of God’s will. It was always part of a worn out patriarchal attitude that still pollutes human awareness to this day. The greed and self-serving interests of our Christian ancestors has been glorified, and exalted, over and above the preservation of our planet, and the cultivation of harmony between the diverse interests of people on this planet. The “mark of the beast” is seen daily in the attitudes of those who promote the destruction of our environment, and who incite hatred and enmity between people.
Someday the rest of the world will wake up, and realize that all of our technology is only a symbol for the true power that we all have access to, if we only were to fully explore the full range of our consciousness. My closed mind and heart was eternally grounded, and would have NEVER freed itself from darkness’ grasp, until I accepted personal responsibility for the brokenness, and self-destructive and other-destructive life that I had co-created for myself and with others, see the damage that those illusions caused, and became willing to have a different, more spiritually oriented type of life experience.
I die daily, to all that is not like my true nature. I do not need pills or philosophical ideas to separate me from life’s goodness. I now see the good that is really good, and all of the illusions of self that others, and the past versions of me, offer up to the world daily for its conditional acceptance, or its usual rejection.
Freedom may not be for everybody now, but it certainly is for me, now, and for all of eternity. I am grateful for my wife Sharon White, who shares in the new/old insight.
My own “wait for a better day” has born great fruits for me, but the fruit was not passively acquired, nor was it acquired through waiting for the outer conditions of my life to improve. I first had to confront my own suffering, and it’s sources within my mind, memory, and heart. Suffering need not be a death sentence, for those who choose to awaken.
May all sentient beings be freed from their suffering. But first, all sentient beings must become conscious enough to be aware of the options available to free themselves from their suffering.
Blaming others for ones’ present station in life is self-defeating. Yet, that is the first response of an immature mind, a mind not ready and willing to make the necessary adjustments in course to create a new life experience. If we ever need to “punch a Nazi”, figuratively speaking, we won’t be just fighting projections out of our own wounded past. We instead will be dealing directly with issues that need to be addressed through insight into self, communication with others and/or outright confrontation with the offensive and antagonistic elements arising from the swamp of collective consciousness that we all arose from..
Even if you are now on your own “Dark Side Of The Moon”, there still is hope.
To be insane in an insane world, to be a stranger in a strange land is the true new normal for many people presently wandering upon the face of this chaotic world..How we deal with the insanity determines whether we remain imprisoned, or find our freedom.
Pay attention to the man behind the curtain! Get to know him at the deepest level. And then, don’t give up finding truth, beauty, and love until the real Miracle appears in your own life, OK?
Life can be an extremely humbling experience. Those blessed few who stop resisting life and develop the capacity to accept “defeat” are the ones most susceptible to healing. It is when we are defeated, that we become the most open to life affirming change and growth. Then we can accept personal responsibility for the rest of our lives, knowing that the willingness, and capacity, for changes in our attitudes and behaviors can now become our “higher power”.
Like my father asked, when I was nearly four years old, and finally learned how to talk,
“Will that boy ever run out of things to talk about?” and
“Bruce, would you please shut up!”
Once I started talking I proved that I had the capacity for speech, and A LOT OF IT. Both of my parents wondered, at times, if I would ever shut up. Once a person touches Consciousness, Infinity is the limit to our potential.
But, the long-term oppressive effects of the Conspiracy of Silence that plagues most men will continue to limit our potential to experience happiness and longevity, and love for our life.
I am humbled and amazed by both the miracle eternally embedded in SACRED SILENCE, as well as its bridge to human consciousness through the Word. May the Word take a form unique to each of us in all of lives, and lift all of us together into a unity of love, thought, and action. May the Word spontaneously arise from our SACRED SILENCE, and not from the chaos of our troubled past.
As I contemplate the entirety of my life, I see a simple truth arising from the complexities of the details. Silence born of ignorance and oppression brings suffering and disease. Silence born of healing brings joy and love into the world. This same Silence brings forth the capacity to listen with the heart for the deepest meaning embedded within All of Life, in All of Its infinitude of forms, and return the dignity back to each sacred manifestation of life.
Is anybody really listening to each other?
Those who have learned how to really listen, hear the “voice for God”. And, we finally get to live in the creation that Love provides for us all, when we accept Love’s vision as our own.
As I look at my life’s history, I see that I have been guided by Its Mystery.
And, no, Father, in whatever form Father may take, I will never “shut up”.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
As I look at my life’s history, I witness Love and its healing Mystery.
I have left the Conspiracy of Silence.
My world can never be the same
How about yours?
You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd by Roger Miller
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skFWsc_-i14
Blessed Longing,
by Goethe
(Translated by John O’Donohue)
Tell no one else, only the wise
For the crowd will sneer at one
I wish to praise what is fully alive,
What longs to flame toward death.
When the calm enfolds the love-nights
That created you, where you have created
A feeling from the Unknown steals over you
While the tranquil candle burns.
You remain no longer caught
In the penumbral gloom
You are stirred and new, you desire
To soar to higher creativity.
No distance makes you ambivalent.
You come on wings, enchanted
In such hunger for light, you
Become the butterfly burnt to nothing.
So long as you have not lived this:
To die is to become new,
You remain a gloomy guest
On the dark earth.
LOVE’S REUNION (poem by Bruce Paullin)
I stumbled over the frozen wilderness for oh, so long!
With a hole in my heart that life could just not fill
Until I stopped to rest, and heard a gentle voice singing a long forgotten song
That promised of my release from this winter world of painful chill
Her lyrics spoke of the return of Life to freedom
And the release of shivering minds from darkness’ frozen, fearful hands
She drew me closer without any further verbal tethers
And prepared me for the walk back to Love’s now awakening lands
Her warming presence melted the icy hardness that I used to know
Inspiring within me the courage, to myself and my world, to say
That, to all of my past memories’ barren trees of lifeless knowledge, I now refuse to go
I will now accept only the lessons learned along Love’s Infinite Way
Yes, she met me while I was with the dark companion
But it was to her pleasure to take me home to share her loving lights
And give me the shelter of Love’s never setting summer sun
She changed my cold mourning into happier, heavenly nights!
By freely offering of herself and all of her sacred charms
She moves me through life’s clamorous valleys unto its silent peaks
I can now retire from a life of fruitless wanderings
To live in the Source of Peace of which mankind forever seeks
Her life is resplendent with Wisdom, Strength, and Beauty
For these are the robes with which she clothes her being
The gift of Love now unwraps before my inviting eyes
To reveal her ecstatic vision, which is now all seeing
My search for Truth and Love Sublime has finally ended
For, I now fill my empty cup from her joyous running streams
I have reunited with my eternally fulfilling lover
And, her healing waters dissolve all of my painful dreams
I only seek to remain within her all-embracing arms
While through all life she extends her ever unfolding surprise
My first waking breath each morning brings the certainty
That, from my bed, joined as one, we again shall arise
My broken heart and shattered life is finally mending
And, wedded to her life, I now call her my faithful bride
Life no longer has a fearful road ahead to travel
For, One with God, on Love’s lighted path, I now gratefully stride
Choose wisely, oh mankind, the secrets that we keep,
for by our choices, we all may awaken, or just stay asleep.
Alcoholic Anonymous Twelve Steps
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
These are the greatest lessons that my life has offered to me.
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