There is an inmost center in us all, where truth abides in fullness;….and, to know, rather consists in opening out a way where the imprisoned splendor may escape, then in effecting entry for a light supposed to be without.”
—–Robert Browning
How did I attempt to bring healing to my broken interior? I first acknowledged that, of myself and my old ways, I was heading nowhere, and that I was doomed to repeat the same potentially fatal mistakes over and over again I did have any childhood training in, nor did I spontaneously develop capacities for insight, positive change and growth. I first needed to develop the emotional and spiritual fortitude to look at the entirety of my life, and then incorporate the experience for my greater good, which also impacts the whole of life in a more positive manner. By developing the power of insight, I brought a new level of healing and awareness into this new, present moment of experience. Some call this process “mindfulness:, though I just call it ‘taking personal inventory’, and improving my “conscious contact with my higher power” as I learned through practicing the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have come to believe that there is a “power greater than myself” that lives within my internal reach that restores me to sanity, no matter how often I might fall. Part of maintaining sanity is to allow for a continuous evolution of understanding and experience of what “God” or “Higher Power” is, apart from religious dogma, ignorance, politics, and superstition.
There was no minister, church, support group, therapist, Care Unit counselor, Indian guru, psychiatrist, mother, father, sister, wife, friend, daughter, son, pet dog, or Jesus Christ figure that could dig into my unique version of the human soul, and remove the thorns/swords that had been thrust into my side since my birth. My internal wounding and the resultant unsustainable suffering became the impetus to begin my inward journey, to face the absolute darkest areas of life itself, and then mine the treasure from my unique relationship with the dark force or shadow. To not face myself would mean to continue living the second-hand/passed down story of dysfunction that I inherited from our culture and from my ancestors, from which we cannot ever completely heal, without first becoming aware of our internalized, unconscious subservience to those controlling agendas.
This is my story about my exploration of some of the more fundamental aspects of my consciousness, and, thus, of all human consciousness. Virtually all of the interesting characters in history have struggled with, and have overcome, at least to some degree, a dark internal force, and it is their journey that becomes the stuff of great stories and legends. I will try to give a context to this distress that I share with the rest of humanity. For, the one is the many, and the many are the one. The author and scholar Joseph Campbell refers to the “Hero’s Journey” that we all must take to find our true self, and the story about to follow is representative of my own version of it.
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The length of the story reveals the level of my resistance to life, an extreme resistance that may have begun in my mothers’ womb, or, maybe, it extends all the way back to the beginning of human consciousness, but, the start date is unimportant. What is important is the intention to bring healing to a darkened situation. The story that follows is my testimony to the complexity and the rewards of this process.
Interspersed throughout the story are the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, brief quotes from the Christian bible (I am not a fundamentalist Christian, nor even a member of that body of thought) as well as several songs by musicians that have a relevant message. There will also be a few poems, some of which were written by me. I have included some memes, links to other websites, and a couple of comics, as well.
“It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
—-Jiddu Krishnamurti
American society has created the perfect conditions for our population to practice insanity and addictive behaviors, but it remains up to us as individuals to create our own conditions for recovery. Self-awareness, personal inventory, making amends to all that we have harmed, working a strong spiritual program, mindfulness, meditation, eating healthier and exercising wisely, and hanging around like-minded people took me to the outskirts of my own “promised land”. Life isn’t always pretty, but I remain personally responsible for my attitudes and behaviors, and I retain freedom of choice in most of my affairs. But, many have lost all such freedom of choice. I have much compassion for those who still struggle with mental illness and alcoholism/drug addiction. It is no mystery to me as to why those who still suffer choose death through suicide or continued dysfunction over a healing path.
Collective consciousness is comprised of all of the answers that our culture, our families, and all of our individual selves have dreamed up to some of the great questions of life. The answers have become part of our philosophy, our history, our religion, the substance of our hopes and dreams, and the foundation for all of our nightmares. My journey towards healing is documented below. I will first briefly address the seed consciousness, where my own answers to the important questions of life gave rise to my interpretation of life, and of the universe. My incomplete and inaccurate answers became the unstable foundation for my journey through collective consciousness, spurring me onto new paths of consciousness, in the eternal search for meaning, truth, beauty, healing, and, ultimately, God. It is this very matrix of misunderstanding that we all must eventually embrace within ourselves, see it for what it really is, and isn’t, and then move through the illusions of self to the very foundation of our timeless soul, where peace and healing eternally resides.
Questions that I have pondered:
Why does suffering exist, and why does it visit me so often?
Who and what am I?
Is happiness, joy, and freedom possible in my life?
What am I really looking for, and will I ever find it?
What really is prayer?
Does religion have relevance anymore?
Can there be any truth. love, or justice to be found in the 21st century version of American Christianity?
What happened to the moral and ethical authority once touted as being endemic to Christianity?
Does religion hinder or help a modern-day seeker of God?
What is a “well lived life” and how do I achieve it?
What is good mental health, or what does it mean to be normal?
Who are my “people”, and where are they located?
Why do people cling to certain groups of people, and reject all others, and why do I feel rejected so often?
Why don’t people get along better with each other, and why have I become so isolated?
Will I ever fit in? Will anyone ever notice me?
Why don’t I feel peace of mind?
What is death, and what does it mean to die to myself?
Why does our society and much of the world’s population continue to not experience peace of mind, with beauty, wonder, and the innate internal integrity of our (potentially) divine nature, and what might I do to attain these qualities?
Why is history defined predominantly by male energy, and why does my own life story spin so tightly around the male gender and its destructive byproducts?
Why do some men become spiritually and emotionally disfigured by their desire for sex?
What is the role of objectifying people in ignorance, racism, xenophobia, homophobia, and sexism?
Can men ever completely overcome objectifying women in their relationships with them?
Why do some men exercise excessive emotional control over their partners?
Why do I not feel satisfaction when I achieve the goals that I have set up for myself?
Why do I not feel joy when others achieve greatness, or accomplish great things for themselves?
Why do I sometimes feel threatened by others’ successes?
Why do I internally try to hold others back from success and positive social acknowledgement?
Why do I always seem to “self-destruct” right at the moment when I am about to achieve great success?
Will I ever completely understand myself, and others?
What is oppression, and what is my relationship to it?
What is repression, and why do I participate in it?
Why is expressing real human emotions such a double-edged sword, and why are my feelings so hard to identify sometimes?
Why are some people always so angry, indifferent, detached, or depressed, and can these people ever see me for who I am?
Why is anxiety the defining feeling of this age, and why is it so hard to heal from it?
Where is the love that I feel is missing from my life?
Why don’t I feel more love for myself or for others?
Why do I continue to experience poor self-esteem?
Why is our culture so focused on youth and physical appearance?
Why am I so self-conscious, and will I ever be accepted for who I am?
Why do I feel that I have to always be competitive, or “better than the others” just to fit in?
Why is competition and greed, as presently coupled with Capitalism, the predominant economic system in our world?
Why does shame and guilt control so much of my life’s experience?
Is it possible to speak or live a lie long enough that we no longer can accept or believe the truth?
Is a person’s silence because of an absence of opinion, or from a fear of speaking the truth?
Why can’t some people be more emotionally and spiritually present for others?
Why do people feel that they need to engage in mutual “control dramas”?
Why do people endlessly pursue entertainment and/or use drugs and alcohol to excess, and ignore their own personal transformation and healing?
Why is just more knowledge so much more important than intuition, wisdom and insight to most men and left brained dominated women?
Why is collaboration such a dirty word for a national political process?
Why do I have no desire to contribute to society in a more generous and meaningful way?
Will America Ever Fully Awaken?
My story indicates a path for a more holistic approach to the answer of some of these questions, and my answers may have a more universal application than to just my limited life experience. To satisfactorily answer all of these questions would require a series of trite responses, or a 5000 page book.
The following are formative energies that tend to shape and guide men in today’s America, and are the unintentional by-products of our incomplete answers for the previous questions:
Unconscious participation in the Common Knowledge Game of harsh and inaccurate self and other judgement, with resultant poor self-esteem inculcated into boys from birth by our wayward fathers, religions, and cultures,
Remaining ignorant or fearful of our own feelings, including anger and grief, or expressing them unskillfully,
Letting stress go on unabated in our lives, without challenging its points of origin
Loss of emotional and physical safety in home, school or work environments
not communicating honestly with others, and carrying the feeling of not being heard or appreciated,
eschewing deep and meaningful relationships with others,
excessive competitiveness with others while engaging with greed, trying to “keep up with the Jones’ “,
proving self-worth in environments where self, and others’, worth is disrespected, thus trying to fit in where we really don’t belong,
people pleasing, at the expense of our personal integrity
not speaking up for ourselves or for others that are oppressed for fear of being marginalized,or further victimized
over immersion in entertainment, excess reliance upon Snapchat, Facebook, or other social media platforms for social awareness
excessive eating and/or eating excessive sugar or processed foods
not exercising, not hiking in Nature and thus staying away from its healing balm
excessive drinking of alcohol, use of recreational drugs to the point of habituation (including marijuana),
smoking or chewing tobacco,
using sex as a way to emotionally hide or escape, or to manipulate others,
workaholic behavior, and forgetting how to laugh and play well with others
These and other phenomenon represent the factors that most men encounter or employ in our efforts to meet the needs for economic security, establish our place in society, relieve stress and keep ourselves at least marginally happy, and pursue family fulfillment, including ones sexual gratification. And, statements of personal well-being, such as those listed below, were anything but “facts of life” for most men.
I am worthy,
I am safe,
I am whole,
I am loving and lovable,
I have something worthwhile to say
What do we really want and need, as human beings, and what might we need, that we have yet to be able to express clearly to others? I have listed a few possibilities below, please add your own to the list.
To be able to express our thoughts and feelings authentically, without bringing unnecessary harm to ourselves or to others
To belong, to feel safe while belonging, including the desire to help and protect others while helping oneself,
To speak up, and feel like we really were heard, and not have our spirit layered over with another’s error in reasoning and judgement,
To be able to listen to another at the deepest level possible, and be present in the spirit of understanding, cooperation, and collaboration.
To feel whole, and to be able to recognize that wholeness, not only within ourselves, but within all others, even those living in alternative realities.
To love all others, as well as to be accepted, and loved, by others, with as few conditions attached as possible.
To evolve, for if we do not, we become subject to the forces of friction and chaos inherent within a closed mind, and system, resulting in higher physical and mental disease and dysfunction.
A most important issue of the emotions is our willingness and ability to skillfully express our anger All too many of us have been victimized by family members, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, or strangers who have aggressively and maliciously used this emotion in an attempt to control or abuse others. Anger gets a really bad name from those who are of a sensitive nature, whose being does not respond well to strong emotions, and from those who have fear of anger itself. I know that when I did something wrong as a child, and my father either witnessed it or heard about it, he got angry, and my ass got whipped by his belt, so anger sure had a bad association in my mind between its expression and my pain!
Anger is appropriate in these times, but constructively using this energy for the good of the people requires understanding, however. We are beings of energy, GREAT ENERGY, but that energy gets pushed away every time we fail to recognize that anger may be one of our most important spiritual assets available. There is a vast difference between anger and hatred, and those who confuse the two, in the name of their own dis-empowered belief systems, have given themselves permission to not rise up publicly, and to speak out against those who are attempting to oppress, dominate, and control us. Anger can inform our Passion, and give us access to that extra energy needed to rise up, and speak out. Sitting back on our hands, and developing spiritual philosophies that allow us to ignore what we are viewing is tantamount to creating more FAKE NEWS, and normalizing that which is insanity.
We can’t dismiss what is going on, and deny our hearts and spirits, when there are millions of dis-empowered citizens who cannot defend themselves, or speak out against the oppression, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR RELIGIOUS AND SPIRITUAL LEADERS CONTINUING TO FOIST DIS-EMPOWERING BELIEFS, AND PHILOSOPHIES, UPON THESE UNSUSPECTING ADHERENTS. Though their hearts may be in the “right place”, this is not the time for more dis-empowering agendas from those who have already given themselves permission not to stand up and be counted .Righteous indignation and anger may not be for everybody, but those who have been inspired by these powerful energies can harness them for the greater good of mankind, and, for themselves.
An appropriate response to the needless suffering of others IS ANGER, especially when we are witnessing the same ignorant oppressors repeating the same antagonistic actions over and over again. Speaking out in loud voices is a powerful way to let the oppressors know that we are NOT SHEEP WILLING TO BE LED TO OUR SLAUGHTER, but instead we are warriors willing to stand up and defend our self, our families, our neighbors, and our world. The Liars and Thieves that many times takes the form of politicians and national leaders need to be able to hear our voices. The feeble, baying voices of the multitudes of oppressed sheep of this world will continue to be persecuted, oppressed, and their human values will continue to be systematically trod upon. The AWAKENED AMERICAN has never been a member of that dis-empowered flock, however.
My heart breaks for the innocent, yet somehow, miraculously, love still lives. And I want to give the reader some hope, after so much description of the down side of the American male consciousness. My philosophical background predisposes me to the discussion of the blocks to love’s awareness and experience, for by seeing completely the shades pulled over Truth, ultimately we will see through them, to where the mystery of the unknown, and Love itself, actually resides. The capacity for insight brings change, in the actual seeing IS AWAKENED THE CAPACITY FOR LASTING INTERNAL CHANGE. The Kingdom of Love is where the need for words is almost negated, unless one is a poet, or a writer seeking an audience or a book deal.
THE FOOLS
You know who we are, there is no need for our names
We may be outwardly different, but inside we are the same
We vacation on ego trips, and with the world play strange mind games
While striving for material success, and its dubious fame
We remain graceless souls trying to blend into life’s masses
Some affirming our uniqueness, though we remain stuck in the same class
With our delusions of grandeur, while appearing just like an ass
And steering clear of self-awareness, Oh our transparency of glass!
At times spewing words of wisdom, but with only another dogs’ bark
Seeking to make a good life, but on life’s script still leaving just a dirty mark
Believing we may have seen light, but, if so, why is our life always so dark?
Needing more purifying inner flames, while snuffing every divine spark
Though we think that we have blossomed, we do not possess Love’s flower,
We hope for a life carried by the river of sweetness, while we still wade through the sour
Never realizing that, over life, we hold very little power
We can only avoid the reality of our lives, while living in our ivory tower
We tend to bring up life’s rear, though we think that we should be first
And from life we want all of the best, somebody else deserves the worst!
We think that our life should be more blessed, why on earth do we feel cursed?
Our lives just become overblown bubbles, just waiting to be burst!
Individuals who are addicts/alcoholics, and/or who are mentally ill, and the cultures that breed and support that behavior, and who are not yet ready to face their shame, guilt, fears, and insecurities consciously will not have an easy time of it in recovery and in the search for greater meaning in their lives. There are many religious paths to take, methodologies for achieving and maintaining sobriety, and therapeutic modalities and medications available for mental illness, and the technique chosen should be wisely considered based on personal needs and philosophies-or lack of them. For those who just want to treat the body, and not the mind or Spirit, there are injections available to reduce alcohol and/or drug cravings, and medications to temporarily treat the illnesses of the mind, which may be all that the sufferer needs for now, especially if they have little inclination towards personal awareness, insight, and spiritual evolution.
Each of my mentally ill or substance abusing family members knows of my own drug addicted and alcoholic background, and so far has had little use for my experience, strength, and hope in sobriety, showing that my “process for recovery” has debatable value for a diseased mind that has no desire to change. A common statement uttered by a practicing alcoholic/addict is “I don’t have a problem”, or, “he/she is the one with the problem, not me!” Denial of the facts of addiction and/or toxic attitudes, and justification for continuing unhealthy behaviors, results in the creation of the “fake news” that they don’t have a problem with drugs and alcohol and our underlying consciousness, and this sad fact remains a constant for most sufferers of addiction and Toxic Masculinity and Toxic Religion. Our culture is insane, and the insanity has crept into all of our families, and all of our individual lives, whether we want to face it, or not.
One of my problems with religion in general, their prophets, messengers, and associated religious texts, is that they take a scatter-gun approach to delivering their message. Most of their “truths” are hard to digest, and they tend to speak AT the listener or student, rather than speaking TO the student or practitioner. There are those blessed few who are attuned to the inner value or meaning of the truth being delivered, and the message speaks TO the listener. It has been said that those are the ones who were either born with or somehow learned how to develop and practice spiritual discernment. In the hearing of Love, or Truth, hope for change is stimulated, and the internal motivation to make necessary changes in the course of one’s life begins.
There is one more step, however, with religious attainment, or attunement. Only a few in recorded history have developed the capacity to have their religion, their God, their Buddha Mind, their Christ Consciousness speak THROUGH them. In Christian mystical terms, this is the word made flesh, and dwelling among us. Ministers and politicians ever so rarely qualify for this exalted state, as experts and practitioners of the law have limited access to the spirit behind it. Watch out for television preachers and evangelicals, as they are ministers of propaganda, and are money accumulating propagators of illusion, delusion, deception, and fear, while preying on the ignorant, and the innocent.
If this book finds that its readers feel like this work only speaks AT them, then the work has little lasting value. If the reader feels that this work speaks TO them in some way, however, then a true connection has been made, and human energy has been exchanged, for the betterment of the reader and the writer. This is a fundamental form of energy exchange, or prayer. But if a reader somehow finds a truth within this work that resonates within their mind and heart, to the point of dislodging some repressed or oppressed divine energy, an enlightenment or liberation is attained that the whole human race has the potential to benefit from. If healing, wholeness, or divinity subsequently speaks THROUGH the reader, then this becomes a form of universal prayer that genuinely has the chance to help in the healing of the planet. To this point, nothing I have ever said or written has led anybody into the “promised land”, so I would be happy if this story somehow finds a way to speak TO a few readers. We can then share in a prayer with the potential to bring healing, wholeness, and divinity to us and the consciousness that we presently share. I will leave liberation and enlightenment to the spiritual savants, and to their students that insist on hanging onto their every word.
There is a unique path that each one of us must take, to find our greatest good. Those who continue to follow other people’s routes, at the exclusion of the route that their own internal GPS system is generating, risk losing all, including their freedom and their unique life expression. Trying to fit in with and adapt to insanity, and the continuing attempts to normalize it, is the foundation for mental illness, our national schizophrenia, and its spawn, our present day corrupted economic, political, and religious systems.
Even though we as individuals did not create this disease of the human mind, and we appear to have little control over its wayward actions in others, or our society in general, we still have access to a cure. The development of personal insight is a mechanism that points to the cure. As we heal as individuals, and join with others who have also chosen to heal, we can create a new culture of healing, and awakening, and reduce the destructive effects of social oppression and the repression of our inner, truest natures.
Built right into the very fabric of life, is death itself. There are up to fifty trillion cells within our human bodies which are constantly dying off, and being replaced by others so that we can continue to live, and even evolve (or regress as the situation may dictate). So also should all of our old thoughts die off, to be replaced by newer, more vibrant creations, if we are to continue to live, and grow, and even evolve. Those who do not do the work to shed the old ways, the old thoughts, the incomplete and inaccurate ways of seeing life, and being in life, will remain the “poor among us”, and more susceptible to the ravages of disease, aging and deterioration of the mind and body. Yet, even though the disease and despair wrought by toxic male energy is woven throughout the collective garment that now covers our humanity, there are many threads of hope interwoven within it, as well, and these threads are our hope for transcendence.
I continue to feel that A New Story Needs To Be Told by our teachers and leaders, and by ourselves. The fatal flaw with all philosophies touting the coming of a new age of peace and enlightenment is that they fail to embrace a fundamental flaw in the human mind, its character and reasoning. And, this flaw typically arises in the male dominated mind, with a few notable exceptions. Those who continue to promote the “light”, without first addressing the required walk through the personal and collective “darkness”, are offering up shallow containers for those who need to drink deeply from the waters of the Spirit. We are left thirsty, and confused, as to why we do not reach the “promised land” as offered by others who are supposedly “in the know”.
Men use their philosophies to justify greed and selfishness, and to give themselves permission not to feel for others less fortunate than themselves, nor to even fully feel their own human emotions. Male energy in general, and all patriarchal cultures are out of balance, having repressed so much of our basic, human (feminine) nature that we can no longer access our innermost divine/human nature, where all love and healing bubbles up from. Men who can’t access their feelings, can’t access their higher natures, period. The path to the Spirit goes directly through the flooding streams of human emotions. Those who bypass this step live mostly from their “heads” rather than through their “hearts”.
I Looked For My Soul (by William Blake)
I looked for my soul,
But my soul I could not see.
I looked for my God,
But my God eluded me.
I looked for a friend,
And then I found all three.
May we all become friends of the Spirit.
U2–Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way
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