Dad Stuff
My father was an outspoken man with a deadpan sense of humor. He unintentionally set the stage for my poor self-esteem and self consciousness as a child through his paradoxical encouragement. His inclination was to lead with a biting insult rather than praise, or not listen at all when I spoke. His behavior created within me both a resilience and a sense of resignation that my voice would never be heard.
It set the stage for repression within myself and a perception, inspired by that relationship with my father, that the world is uninterested in what I am thinking or experiencing. A primary principle of consciousness,
all that I see is myself,
is confirmed here. The self that I saw was inhibited until three years into my retirement from the electrical trade, when I finally felt that I had something to say..
I did not begin writing significantly until the year of my father’s death, in 2017, so there is a message for those with ears to hear. It is revealing about myself to note that feedback, or lack of it, about my writing since that time, has felt like the ghost of my father’s presence. That haunting specter is only a perception, not the truth and the self that I was has been evaporating before my eyes as I continue along this evolutionary path.dad stuff
