THE FOOLS
You know who we are, there is no need for our names
We may be outwardly different, but inside we are the same
We vacation on ego trips, and with the world play strange mind games
While striving for material success, and its dubious fame
We remain graceless souls trying to blend into life’s masses
Some affirming our uniqueness, though we remain stuck in the same class
With our delusions of grandeur, while appearing just like an ass
And steering clear of self-awareness, Oh our transparency of glass!
At times spewing words of wisdom, but with only another dogs’ bark
Seeking to make a good life, but on life’s script still leaving just a dirty mark
Believing we may have seen light, but, if so, why is our life always so dark?
Needing more purifying inner flames, while snuffing every divine spark
Though we think that we have blossomed, we do not possess Love’s flower,
We hope for a life carried by the river of sweetness, while we still wade through the sour
Never realizing that, over life, we hold very little power
We can only avoid the reality of our lives, while living in our ivory tower
We tend to bring up life’s rear, though we think that we should be first
And from life we want all of the best, somebody else deserves the worst!
We think that our life should be more blessed, why on earth do we feel cursed?
Our lives just become overblown bubbles, just waiting to be burst!
Individuals who have been traumatized, who are addicts/alcoholics, and/or who are mentally ill, and the cultures that breed and support that behavior, and who are not yet ready to face their shame, guilt, fears, and insecurities consciously will not have an easy time of it in recovery and in the search for greater meaning in their lives. There are many religious paths to take, methodologies for achieving and maintaining sobriety, and therapeutic modalities and medications available for mental illness, and the technique chosen should be wisely considered based on personal needs and philosophies-or lack of them. For those who just want to treat the body, and not the mind or Spirit, there are injections available to reduce alcohol and/or drug cravings, and medications to temporarily treat the illnesses of the mind, which may be all that the sufferer needs for now, especially if they have little inclination towards personal awareness, insight, and spiritual evolution.
The truth is that the practicing addict, alcoholic, and toxic human is also living an unexamined life, and an early death through accidents, poor health choices or suicide, is at a much higher likelihood for occurrence for all such people. And, a mind hijacked by addictive substances and/or self-destructive thoughts and behaviors will not readily adjust its course, without a compelling interior counter-argument being offered to its own often times unconscious desire for annihilation.
To develop the capacity for insight requires a tremendous depth of desire to know one’s self in a different, more profound, holistic, way, while overcoming a lifetime of suffering, ignorance, indifference towards and oppression by others, and repression of one’s emotional and spiritual nature. An inscription on a temple at Delphi stated: “Know thyself, and you will know the Universe and the Gods.” Insight, or “knowing thyself” has been the path to the Gods since the mind of man first postulated the existence of a unique self, and of a God.
Education and indoctrination tends to teach the student about other people’s perspectives on matters of individuality, self-expression, and connection with a “power greater than our self”, while confusing and hindering the individual’s direct connection and link to his own higher truth and nature. We become hypnotized by other people’s thoughts and attitudes, and mistakenly associate all others’ points of view as being our own, until we finally decide to break free from our own second-hand, culturally inculcated reality for the understanding of self, and other, and thus, start the journey of awakening.
Awakening is an interactive process, encouraged and facilitated by the pain and suffering that we experience as human beings, while engaging with the “real world”. Far too many Americans live in alternate universes, where pain and suffering are not directly dealt with, or are to be avoided at all costs, wherever possible. Immersion in fantasy and denial of our personal and collective responsibility towards the ills of this world also reigns supreme in major sections of our culture. This is fueled by addictions to media devices, diversions of our life force into entertainment and worship of TV and movie personalities, hypnosis by false religious and spiritual leaders, alcohol and drug addictions, and personal and sexual power abuses. To facilitate healing, we must reject the false leaders, hypnosis, hero-worshiping and idolatry, and we must become our own leaders, with awakened powers of understanding and compassion. All of the sleeping beauties, and the ugly ones with warts, will continue to sleep, until their nightmares become so frightening that they either have to wake up to the “kiss of the healing prince, or princess”, or die.
Early in 2017, I began yet another process of “awakening”, which for me is another term for the experience of enhanced insight. In January of 2017, I took my father to the doctor, and my number one concern, next to my dying father’s needs, was that my father was going to outlive me. Why would such a concern erupt within my own mind? The stress of providing care for a moderately demented older “gentleman” did exact quite the toll, even though it also provided great spiritual benefits to me. My father was quite passive and gentle the last several years of his life, in quite the contrast to his earlier years, yet the historical momentum established through my sixty-two years of relationship with him just did not magically end or transform itself, and I continued to feel some internal challenges to my equanimity. My relationship with my father had created much of the irregularities in the foundation for my own vision of life and of love, especially in my years prior to age thirty-one. This was the year of my new beginning in life, when I became sober, and began my spiritual awakening in earnest.
I developed some insight into how my own father’s ignorance and selfish needs early in my childhood negatively impacted my own mind’s formation. There was a revelation within me that as a result of my father’s sometimes toxic influence in my life, I had unwittingly and unconsciously created two fundamental cores to my personal dysfunction. I came to refer to these forces as “tricksters”, and a thorough examination of all of my “inner demons” showed that they were created through incomplete, unskilled interactions with life. Their presences initially kept me from being helpless as I attempted to navigate the world as a young being, offering their own extremely limited versions of interior guidance. But, these miscreations kept me from developing into my greater good as an independent, free adult human being. It was around these cores that the whole of my consciousness swirled around, as if drawn and disfigured by two distinct, though interconnected, loci of negative influence. These “dark masses of influence” resembled actual personality subsets within my consciousness, and I posit that these forces are the precursors to all manners and types of mental illness, including anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, and multiple personality disorder.
My father represented, in a perfect way, how my life experience had become overshadowed by the needs and concerns of our culture, and its own unconscious needs to dominate, control, and oppress, especially those who did not conform to its often conflicted, twisted values. My father had great difficulty, in times of stress, in recognizing the intrinsic value of all life, including my “baby self”, and my essence as a young boy. My father showed to me, in a perfect way, what a potential end point looks like from a lifetime lacking in true collaboration and emotional integrity while sharing life force with others. My father achieved many of his goals in life, yet at what cost did they come to him, and to the people who he may have influenced and over which he exerted control? And, what is the cost to a society that blindly plows forward while supporting ideals that do not conform to the development of all of its citizens’ highest nature, and truth?
“Boy Named Sue”, by Johnny Cash
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gbtm-93oqE
This song really does capture the basic story of my life, and that life which is impressed upon all of humanity. The boy named Sue has to begin his search for the source of his ‘bad name’ or nature, which was his absent father. He needs to conquer and punish those forces of abandonment and shame, yet after confronting his “darkness”, he gains an understanding of his father, forgives him, and states a new intention for his life. As a culture, and as individuals, we unconsciously transmit our understandings of life through our children, so even if the child of the “original dysfunction” wanted to have a radically different life, they are still predisposed to make many of the same mistaken judgments in life. Like Sue, in this world, we are given an incomplete identity not our own, and forced to defend it for the rest of our lives, unless we can become aware of those unconscious relics of our shared history, or predispositions from the parental and historical past that would gives us our”Sue” nature.
With the death of my father, it ended the era of subservience to my perceptions of his needs. It also ended the era of incomplete grieving for my own mother’s death, as I never completely worked through my own process around her sudden demise. I was now an “orphan”, and all of the entanglements that kept me wound around their lives were now physically removed. My fathers’ spirit no longer could overshadow my own life, and now I was allowed to live fully into whatever, or whoever that I am. I found that I no longer had the unconscious need to protect my mother from my father’s wayward emotions and behavior, which I always girded myself for, and I had prepared myself to do throughout my life. In truth, however, I never really succeeded in protecting anybody from my perception of my father, including myself.
For me this is an extraordinary release, because my “ego” may have formed somewhat differently than much of the rest of humanity due to unusual parental bonding issues just after birth, and through my first 4-5 years. Being placed on “formula” right after birth, and being placed in a chilly car in the garage at night so that my father could sleep better (I was just another “damn crying baby”) left me as a young being with so-called “attachment issues”, such as feeling abandoned, and lonely, from the beginning. Though I loved my parents, I certainly did not want to grow up and be like them. Yet, I was not able to offer to my developing self a viable alternative to being like my father, being extremely limited creatively, and my resultant dull, though at times insightful, personality reflected that darkness throughout my childhood, and adulthood through my first thirty-one years of life.
In our world, there are countless examples of “self organizing systems”, and all creatures, and the minds of those creatures, are examples of that miracle in action. The bodies appear to be primarily organized through the pattern created by the history of that species, and it’s interactions with its earthly environment. DNA appears to carry that pattern within our very cells. Some biologists and scientists, such as Rupert Sheldrake, postulate the existence of a “morphogenetic” field of energy, in which in the whole biological and environmental history of each species is stored, and which each member of the species shares energy with. This name identifies a scientifically recognized process whereby the whole of the species influences the individual, and the individual can also exert influence on the whole, especially when the number of individuals is great.
To quote Rupert Sheldrake, as documented by John Horgan, in Scientific American, July 14, 2014:
“Morphic resonance is the influence of previous structures of activity on subsequent similar structures of activity organized by morphic fields. It enables memories to pass across both space and time from the past. The greater the similarity, the greater the influence of morphic resonance. What this means is that all self-organizing systems, such as molecules, crystals, cells, plants, animals and animal societies, have a collective memory on which each individual draws and to which it contributes. In its most general sense this hypothesis implies that the so-called laws of nature are more like habits”.
The human mind appears to have a self-organizing principle attached to it, as it organizes itself into a personal sense of being. Some say that the “word” or the act of first recognizing that a verbal sound or a specific set of symbols can represent an environmental influence is the initial generative force behind the “creation of the personal sense of self”. Helen Keller gives an outstanding account of the beginning of her own sense of self, once she recognized that the letters W A T E R represented the substance that she washed with, and drank.
But the mystery of the origination of the sense of self revolves around many additional factors, including how well the organism feels accepted by, and connected to the environment that the body travels through. Thus, healthier senses of self arise from, and are supported by, myriads of “successful” interactions with its social and physical environment, and the internal stories that eventually get created by the self. First and foremost is the beings’ acceptance and integration into the primary family cell, or group. If the young being does not get the requisite positive feedback early on, it faces tremendous odds against forming a happy, well-adjusted self organizing principle, or ego. My first 31 years of life reflected the internalized horror of a life suppressed by the “conspiracy of silence” created by my subservience to a damaged image of self, and other. My own true nature, or possibility for experiencing another way of being, had been masked over, or silenced, through that process.
Black Holes
A black hole is a region of space/time exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it. The theory of general relativity predicts that a sufficiently compact mass can deform space/time to form a black hole. The boundary of the region from which no escape is possible is called the event. Within the human psyche, I posit the existence of consciousness “black holes”, or singularity points. We, as a human race, seem to have a predisposition to creating “black hole events” where no light (love, compassion, empathy, healing thoughts) escapes from our consciousness. These events occur especially during times of collective distress including mass hypnosis and mob mind activity that leads to wars, genocide, racism, xenophobia, hysteria and fear. We, as individuals, also have a real talent for creating “black hole events” within our personal worlds, as well. Our concepts of time and space certainly get distorted, as present day events occurring in our lives get distorted within our minds by traumatic events of our past, or “black holes” of past influence through which the light of our ever unfolding “present moment of life” gets sucked into the darkness of a singularity point of a traumatic event from our past.
Our minds are “generators of consciousness”, which simply stated, means aspects of ourselves generate internal feedback, develop and support our own internal self-concept, create internal imagery and understanding of the “outer world” and support our verbal relationships with and actions towards all others. We attempt to match the “outer reality” by forming internal verbal and emotional linkages within ourselves, and this helps us to stay “relevant” and abiding within some measure of resonance and continuity with the perceived “external universe” or community that we presently share with others.
This “light” that we internally emit, and eventually share with our worlds either through action or verbal expression, is influenced dramatically by our own secret, internal agendas, whether we are conscious of those agendas, or not. While these agendas remain “unconscious”, they become the equivalent to our own internal “black holes”. All streams of consciousness that our minds and hearts attempt to “emit” become trapped in the swirling vortices of these powerful forces, and these internal “black holes” continue to influence virtually every aspect of our lives. And, if not dealt with consciously and carefully, these black holes will eventually draw all of our internal light into them, and we become unwitting agents of our own internal darkness.
To repress or deny these internal forces is to continue to feed them. As we get in touch with our fears, angers, hatreds, or whatever name for manifesting “darkness” that we might give to them, it is important to realize that these are great forces, and once they are harnessed, NOT REPRESSED OR DENIED, these “black holes” will continue to keep us connected to the real world, and, as we transmute their energy, the light within us uses these once “dark energies” for the good of ourselves, and for all mankind.
I have identified two major black holes within my own internal universe, which have created powerful forces of control, which must be dealt with directly and honestly, lest one’s entire life becomes a manifestation of “black hole events”. For me, I have named the BIG TWO. Number One, is the black hole that my voice will never be heard. Number Two, is the black hole of death. Insight finally reveals that these two are actually related, and are a direct result of failure to be fully integrated as a complete, healthy human being, and manifesting holistic or divine intent.
These two vortexes drew all of my internal light towards themselves, and by the time that those internal “singularity points” worked their dark magic to their fullness, I actually flirted with the end of my own life. Such is the way these “black hole events” can influence and control our lives, making peace of mind and positive, loving connections with others virtually impossible.
On the left, an optical image from the Digitized Sky Survey shows Cygnus X-1, outlined in a red box. Cygnus X-1 is located near large active regions of star formation in the Milky Way, as seen in this image that spans some 700 light years across.
These “black holes” may remain, even after making profound spiritual and emotional changes. Their dark influence, however, continues to recede, once there is a committed intention to stay connected with insight and spiritual healing, where all true light comes from. As I strive to stay balanced internally, so shall my walk through the rest of my life remain balanced, as well. Insight keeps these forces balanced internally, so that the “spirit of wholeness” within us can utilize our energy in more “sane” and mutually beneficial ways.
And, for more than one of us, these “black holes” are eventually transformed into “white holes”, where no darkness can escape, and all of our experience becomes “enlightened”. We can’t short-circuit this process, by just substituting the pleasant-sounding “spiritual froth ” produced by other great spiritual thinkers, and trying to layer those messages over our unexamined inner universe. Well meaning advocates of this process become unwitting contributors to the repression, and oppression, of the Human Spirit. It is only after we do the real inner work, that these teachers can assume their rightful position in our consciousness, as fellow travelers on the path to Truth, which has no final destination. Our most profound words and thoughts only present the illusion of a “final resting place”, when, in fact, truth is eternally unfolding into each moment as a brand new, unique manifestation.
I have my moments with the “white holes”, and I continue to strive for experiencing this phenomenon with both increased frequency and intensity. A path of insight and meditation is quite helpful, and association with others who share in this new reality has been shown to produce almost miraculous results. If this experience is to become our real new reality, then there is work to do! Please, let us not rest on another person’s “spiritual laurels”, for by this culturally and religiously ingrained process we will be delayed in finding our True Passion.
I am what I am, but I am not what I seem
–Bruce Paullin
Who, or what, am I now? I am a mystery, even to myself. I need not be anxious, though the transition times from what I thought I was to who I am predestined to become does create intense anxiety. I am to be forever walking into the unknowable present moment. Living into the Truth of what that is now is the new story of my life. There is but One Mind, but it is only experienced in the Unknown
What might a man performing a thorough self-examination through internal probing discover about his self, and the subconscious guiding and directly black holes within his own unique nature?. To uncover the treasure, we first have to dig through the dirt, and believe me, it can be a toxic waste site., This requires patience, time, experience, and humility, but eventually insight is developed whereby we, as men, can see the forces of corruption within our own heart and soul, and through the seeing, we also facilitate the healing, as well.
Here are some principles of toxic masculinity that I found lived in unconscious domains of my own mind and heart. I have exaggerated them, and linked them with common monetary, sexual, and personal power dynamics. And yes, these principles, or variations of these themes, are part of the Common Knowledge Game fundamentals for erroneous understanding of self and other. If they appear to mimic some of the values and principle’s underlying Donald Trump’s abhorrent behavior, then you are already paying close attention to our collective consciousness, and its dangerous and sometimes catastrophic influence on the affairs of humanity throughout our history.
Toxic Masculinity Value and Principles
#1:
I am the center of the Universe. The rest of humanity is here either for my pleasure, for my profit, or for my disdain. I may attend a church occasionally, so that I can create the impression that I worship a higher power than myself. But, I already know that there is no higher power but me. HUMILITY IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME, and is only for the poor and weak among us.
#2
Truly loving another human being is a sign of weakness, and thus I must continue to suppress all such impulses so that I can achieve my selfish goals. I will carry on a campaign of hatred, judgement, and condemnation of all people unlike myself, all the while claiming to represent their interests at the highest level of my being (with subtlety, if one is of the passive/aggressive nature) . The ignorant people populating my world will hopefully associate my hateful behavior with their understanding of what love is, thus damaging the hearts and souls of all who may fear, respect, and/or follow me. My schizophrenia will be confusing to others, but may still be normalized, as others that I may have influenced model and support my behavior.
#3:
People are most valuable if they can be monetized. If I can’t make money from my relationship with people, then I don’t necessarily need them. They will have to prove that they belong in my life in some other selfish self-serving ways.
#4:
Never admit that I am wrong. Always blame somebody else for my problems. The admission of guilt is a sign of weakness, and only for those who do not have sufficient monetary and legal power. I don’t need your forgiveness for my mistakes, because, as far as you should be concerned, I do not ever make mistakes.
#5:
I have a right to choose how much drugs and alcohol that I consume. I do not need feedback from others telling me that I am abusing my medicine and/or alcohol. I have earned the right to drink as much as I feel like, because I make so many sacrifices in my life, and I deserve an extra break and release through excessive alcohol and;/or drug consumption. I do not have a problem, and if you think that I have a problem with my chemicals, then it is your misunderstanding, and not my own.
#6:
Never spend any time in self-reflection or meditation. Developing insight is difficult and time-consuming, and I have more important things to do I am already perfect, I always have been perfect, and everybody else needs to change to accommodate my needs. If I am not “perfect” today, I always have someone, or something, else to blame.
#7
I have a right to use my strong emotions to intimidate and threaten anybody that I need to in order to get my way. My anger is a weapon, to be wielded whenever necessary, and its expression is my first selection from my arsenal of control tools in manipulating and controlling my world.
#8
If I can’t get my way with another human being, then I will cajole or bully them into submission, or attack their name and character, and/or impugn their dignity, until they either submit, or are discredited by my allies.
#9:
Everybody unlike me should be distrusted. Relationships built through mutual trust and collaboration can be threatening to my short-term goals, and should not be cultivated, as only alliances of hate and distrust are capable of bringing me to my goals.
# 10
The women in our lives are more suited to be our personal possessions than self-sufficient, independent people, and are not to be treated as equals, and are better suited for exploitation for family support, sexual purposes and/or economic gain.
#11
If I can’t get my way through truth-telling, then the telling of lies becomes my most potent weapon. If I am caught in a lie, then it is only your misunderstanding of my point, and not what I said, that is wrong. If I tell the same lie often enough, then people will start to accept the lie as the truth.
#12
If there is no conflict currently in progress, then I must start creating the conditions for the next one, and socially position myself so that I can maximize emotional profits and visibility for myself.
#13
I never will obtain enough money, power, sex, or attention to keep me happy. I must continue to pursue these needs to extremes in order to keep me from becoming depressed and losing my sense of personal value in this world. If I achieve my goals, and I am still unhappy, I must set new goals to attempt to fill that big hole in my heart and soul.
#14
I am the king of my home. I have created my kingdom to serve my selfish needs. If my rules are not honored, and my intentions for the family do not hold up, and family members start to stray, I will coerce, cajole, or threaten all wayward members with violence, if necessary. The family must stay together under my control, no matter what the cost to others might be.
#15
Perfectionism and full control of others should not be mutually exclusive propositions. I will judge, criticize, and condemn others, and myself, as needed, to bring all of my world into alignment with how I think that it should be. I will compare and contrast my wealth and success with others to establish the best baseline for my expectations and behavior.
#16
If those closest to me engage in betrayal, and destroy my sacred relationship with my family, I must avenge myself, and destroy all who have threatened my life and values. My wife is my property, and my property alone. If she should ever have an affair with another man, I reserve the right to punish her and my family, up to, and including, murdering them. If I must die in the process, it is a good death for me.
#17
Self sabotage is my unconscious need. It is my right to destroy my creations even as I destroy myself, so murder-suicide is an acceptable option in the extreme, when my needs have been dishonored, and I feel that I have no more options to improve my life situation.
#18
My wife and my children are first and foremost my possessions. I will direct and control as necessary, and nobody else has any right to criticize my choices in how I provide and care for them. My whole sense of self-esteem is derived by how deeply they honor and obey me, without argument or back talk. I do not want or need alternate points of view, as my view is the only view that is relevant.
#19
I have been a failure since I never measured up to my father’s, my church’s, or my society’s standards. I will continue to self-sabotage my success at ever bend in life’s road, and I will see life as a self-fulfilling prophesy of incompleteness and loss. I will not even question that my life has other possibilities for it, and I will resign myself to my depressing fate.
#20
I reserve the right to murder anybody, when it suits my needs to protect myself. I will justify my possession and use of firearms through quoting the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, as well as pointing to the fear and threats in our world, and our country as my own justification for stockpiling weapons. I will not listen to reason, as my mind is made up, and you can have my weapons after “prying them from my cold, dead hands” (thanks NRA, and the late mega-asshole Charlton Heston).
This list is the abbreviated list, as aspects of our collective selfishness covers the entire range of human darkness. Men burdened by toxicity tend towards sexism, racism, isolation, poor judgement against all others unlike themselves, and low self esteem, while men moving towards spiritual healing tend to unite with others in peace and mutual acceptance, and a willingness to share an improving sense of their self with the world.
Some Of these Toxic Masculinity Values and Principles underpin much of the Common Knowledge Game
Insight and Mindfulness
One of the greatest insights that I have made is a direct result of a science class that I attended in fourth grade. Mr Hill, our Principal and co-teacher of the fourth grade class, was going to perform an experiment, and he wanted each member of the class to record everything they they observed onto a note pad, so as to completely describe what they had witnessed. He had heated a portable electric stove. He then grabbed with some insulated tongs a thin sheet of metal and set it onto the burner. The metal immediately began to distort in size, and became quite disfigured, and no longer looked like it did before. I watched, yet I had no words to describe what it was that I had just witnessed. I had never seen anything like that before, and I was struck dumb by it. I saw two kids writing feverishly on either side of me, and in my need to “fit in” and “not look stupid” I looked at each of the students writings, and saw how they described the event. I used their expressions to create my own.
At an early age I saw how dependent that I was on other people to give a description about events that I did not have the words for. As a result, I have seen how the mystery of life can sometimes get overrun by society’s need to establish a continuity of reality and a shared understanding of events between all of its members. Someone else had the description of what I could not yet describe, so I used second-hand words to fill in the gap. Extrapolate this need to fit in and to belong to all collective gatherings of human life, including religion, politics, and society, and it is easily seen the foundation for illusion within all such bodies of experience. The description is never the actual event, yet those who did not have the experience, copy and worship the description, and overlook the event that may be still happening right under their noses. They have never developed the capacity and/or the willingness, to give their own unique description of an event, they are in fear of offering a different or contrary version of the event, or they have never witnessed the event itself.
In my junior year in high school, I was required to keep a daily journal, and record my insights into myself for a writing class. The problem was that I had no “insight”, at least as far as being able to put into words what the interior nature of my mind and life looked like. I did not spend a lot of time giving descriptions to events happening around me, and, instead, listened to others as they described their own experiences, which I either accepted and supported or rejected and judged against. But for me to give a description of the interior dimensions of my own being seemed an impossible task. I had to submit something, and in my desperation to get a decent grade i went to a bookstore, to find a book to help me to ‘look at myself’.
Hugh Prather had written a book called ‘Notes To Myself’, and I stumbled upon it, and bought it. I was so empty of complete statements about myself and my life that I copied statements from Hugh’s book, and tried to ‘personalize’ them so that it would not be obvious that I had copied his work. I got my passing grade, felt very relieved, and continued on my awkward, highly dysfunctional path through high school. I was near the top of my class near graduation time, yet I was completely out of touch with the majority of my classmates, as well as with myself. I had hoped that to finally graduate from high school might change, if not end, much of my social anxiety and sense of disconnect. Of course this could not be further from the truth. When I entered my freshman year at the University of Portland in 1973, I was lost again, and I had no internal maps to guide me through the complexities of college life.The use of pot, alcohol, and relationships with emotionally diseased people continued in earnest, obscuring any clear vision of my goals, and I constructed many self-destructive road blocks that impeded all progress.
Looking back, this verbal and emotional disconnect would have been great stuff to write about in the high school class, but i was living a lie, without having the words to even describe it, and the telling of the truth to others, let alone to myself, might force me into changes that I could not embrace or consider as possibilities. The absence of personal honesty and insight, and to be verbal around it, and communicate my distress with others doomed me to a deteriorating life experience, and limited my choices so much that many days, and years, I felt trapped in a prison, with interior windows sometimes only opening to Hell. I did not even have an adequate description to communicate my hell to others..
I will bypass a few years, and revisit insight again. In April of 1984, I placed myself in the Care Unit of Lovejoy Hospital for a month, with the intentions of maintaining my job with the U.S. Postal Service, as well as, maybe, staying sober for a little while. I had a female Christian counselor named Claire, who was my guide while residing in this facility. A requirement was to keep a daily journal, and to document our “internal weather” while undergoing reorientation into a new life of “sobriety”.
I remained quite uncomfortable recording my “interior universe”. Little had changed since high school with becoming “honest with my self”, and finding any hidden gems to discover, and write about. I found that i could write a lot, however, if what i wrote had the intention of “pleasing others” ,especially if they were female in orientation. Also if I could sometimes make somebody else a little “wrong” for what they were, or more regularly for me, accept FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS, I could find something to write about. Yet, something else was also brewing inside, which was the need to bring peace into my mind.
Every day my desire for PEACE was acknowledged, all the while attending the daily groups, and counseling sessions. I attempted to practice the 12 steps of AA, for alcoholic recovery, which demands insight, and rigorous honesty. My chances were still “less than average”, due to fundamental flaws in the basic makeup of my “personal consciousness, and awareness”. A lifetime of oppression, insanity, and repression of spirit, does not just magically disappear because others, or even myself, thinks that it might be a good idea.
The final descent into darkness is documented later. Suffice it to say, to follow new paths of consciousness means to “become aware” as a human being, and listen to my heart, and the heart of others, as we travel these uncertain paths of life that lay before us. And I must become and maintain consciousness itself, for me to continue on any healing path. I must make verbal, as best that I can, that which defies description, no matter where those revelations place me on the spectrum of human energy. And, I must continue to accept personal responsibility for all of my thoughts, words, and actions, while supporting others to do the same. We must try to walk together, or I will die alone.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.
– Anaïs Nin
In the absolute, All that we ever see, unto eternity, is our own self. As I look upon the world, and all of my relationships with the people, the land, the animals, and inner and outer space, I see an evolving landscape that demands collaboration and involvement by ALL PEOPLE, and representation for those beings who do not have a voice in such matters. This is a landscape that demands that I make my own unique impression upon it. I must first confront the demons within my own mind and heart, and give them personalized names representing the truth of my personal experience before I strike out against the “outer world”, lest I project unhealed non-verbalized images and intentions upon the unsuspecting population.
“The unexamined life will be painfully lived”
—-Jack Boland, several years before his death from cancer.
Insight and mindfulness, meditation, walking away from self-destructive dependencies, maintaining dialogue with others, speaking my truth, fighting against oppression of others, and repression within my own heart and soul, following new paths of consciousness, working out my own salvation, while helping others on their own paths as well, are ways to develop collective awareness, and healing, and bringing peace of mind to my own interior universe. I cannot love others, or my own life, completely, until I make peace within my own heart and soul.
The Word must become flesh, and dwell within me.
First of all, please do not be intimidated or repulsed by the name God when I refer to it. For me, God is the self-organizing principle of consciousness within each one of us, plain and simple. Each one of us has a self-organizing principle, or we would not remain integrated and true to our sense of self, and we would dissolve into chaos, fragmentation, and insanity. If you see God in terms of some sort of creative power of the universe or superpower, or transcendent mystical being, you may be right, but my present definition of God is designed to meet the need for the following discussion.
MINDFULNESS
As a description, and a lesson plan, for the real true spiritual practice, AS I SEE IT, I only need to quote from the Old Testament, from our Christian bible (or it could be from the Torah). The religiously ignorant of the world think that somehow the early tellers of the story of Genesis were direct witnesses to the unfolding of God’s universe during the “creation of the Earth in seven days”. This story is only a myth or parable about how the organizing principle of consciousness itself, God, or OUR MINDS, unfolds in space and time, and our responsibility for wisely guiding the naming process to create an accurate representation for the world, and a more peaceful, happy experience for self and other.
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters.” – Genesis 1:1-2 NASB
It was the picture of disorganization and uncertainty, for the world had no order. Everything was “formless and void.” The Hebrew words here suggest that there was confusion, emptiness, and waste. And it was filled with darkness.
But ‘God’ changed everything. ‘His’ action began as “His” Spirit was “moving.” The Hebrew word here is found only two other times in the Bible. The picture is of observing or watching carefully and deliberately. The Spirit of God was brooding…studying…examining…lingering. And only after this hovering did God take action and start bringing order.
Then “God” declared, “Let there be light.” This light illumined everything about the world, and “He” was pleased with the impact. He “saw that the light was good; and “God” separated the light from the darkness. “God” called the light day, and the darkness He called night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.”
Day after day, God continued to bring order out of chaos. And as He looked at His creation, He declared that it was “very good.” It was only AFTER he declared that it was “very good” that he could find rest.
So, here I am indicating the direct connection between the story of Genesis, and the development of spiritual discernment that must be developed within myself to enable me to ever find the “rest” that being in the presence of a creative, healthy, happy internal experience brings. In fact, “GOD” is the very ORGANIZING PRINCIPLE of our consciousness. We are personally responsible for incorporating love, rationality and understanding into our world views, and this successful action literally creates the“LORD” within us that informs and guides all of our actions. The ignorant of the Christian world would take this story literally, and miss out on the fact that this is the very process or procedure that we all must take with our lives. We must bring order out of the chaos that we created through ignorance in our minds, and in the minds of those people who are part of our community. We must separate the light from the dark, and we can only rest when we have become one with the goodness at the center of our being, and at the center of everyone else’s being. We must become mindful, or, in the words of Alcoholics Anonymous, continue to take personal inventory, and when we miss the mark, promptly admit it and change course, rather than waste time defending our illusions. Those who habitually defend personal, cultural, or religious illusions are the very ones who continue to create chaos, misunderstanding, and conflict.
God’s actions in creation help us understand how we actually approach our lives, and the ways this awareness can help us today. For ‘God’ still brings clarity to confusion. ‘God’ replaces disorganization with organization. Uncertainty is replaced by certainty. Chaos is replaced by order. Those who are aimless are given new plans. Emptiness is replaced by meaning and purpose. And any sense of darkness is replaced by a new light, or understanding. This is a process that is now known as MINDFULNESS, but it has been known to “godly people” for all of time. “God” does not judge us, we judge ourselves, and, thus, we can become more “godlike” in nature and manner, once our blocks to loves awakening and awareness are acknowledged within There is no white bearded man in the sky, ruling from the golden throne, with angels circling his head. But, there is wisdom within us, when it is cultivated, and our insight and true knowledge become “angels” to us, as they lift our spirits, and our understanding and connection with each other, the world, and all of the life upon it
A fixed truth about life is that if we can’t honestly look at where we are in life, we will never find the true motivation, or foundation for change in our life’s experience. The non-examined life always results in a damaged, dysfunctional life, and that characterizes both individuals, and the collective society that they participate in. The Christians tend to believe that they can be saved from their own darkness by claiming the work performed by somebody else (the blood of Jesus?). Well, for those who have really made “conscious contact with the God of our understanding”, the realization comes that our own “blood” is the sacrifice that we make, as we make mistakes, and learn from them. In fact, the only sacrifice that ever needs to be made (and the only sacrifice acceptable to the Truth within us) is our erroneous understanding of who we are, and who or what our fellow-man is. Our own “crucifixion” continues until our own physical deaths, unless we release ourselves from all of the false illusions of self and other. Our misunderstanding of life, no matter how “Christian” we claim to be, creates infinite opportunities for chaos and disharmony with each other, and we feel betrayed by, and suffer endlessly from, all of the wounds incurred through fragmented belief systems.
We are typically healed though the power of awareness, awareness that operates through the present moment of experience. We need not claim a healing through the long dead consciousness of some purported master or saint to have a true healing experience There is always somebody trying to layer the Truth of Being with their own misinformation and broken philosophies, and this includes the Church, in whatever forms we address it. Truth and healing DO NOT REQUIRE AN INTERMEDIARY, IMAGINARY OR OTHERWISE. No teacher will affect our salvation, we must work it out for ourselves. The God of our misunderstanding only needs our humility, patience, and sincerity to approach it successfully. The medium for healing is our own consciousness and the consciousness of our spiritually aware “helpers”, and this is always happening NOW. To believe otherwise is the absolutely damaged understanding that has been foisted upon the unaware, philosophically and spiritually uninterested, socially conforming group of people claiming to follow Christ’s teachings for countless generations.
I will allude to my own personal experience here, to add to the mental picture that I am trying to re-create. Recently I was motivated to write a story about my unfolding as a human being, and my entry onto the “path of spirituality”. This inspiration resulted in the writing of a story that resulted in a more complete understanding of the blocks to “love’s awareness” that existed in my mind/heart during my childhood and early adult years. A cathartic event resulted, revealing a long ignored “voice” that I was called upon to finally listen to. I had to look at and listen to my history completely, as there were early periods in my life when there was nobody to listen to me when I needed it most, and thus some damaging marks were left on my soul, which were then healed through the powers of present moment awareness. Healing can be instantaneous, or it can be a lifelong process, but because refining the powers of awareness is a lifelong process, children would be well advised to begin early the study of themselves and their developing hearts and minds, and not some worn out lines of dogma that do not carry the spirit of Truth within them.
I attempted meditation upon my own source of pain and suffering, and what came to me was how most of what I know about myself, and my reactions to the world, was created by my fundamental relationship to my parents. I had never developed a complete sense of self in my early years (I will not call it Asperger’s Syndrome, or Autism, though it manifested similarly to ADHD) and my sense of self revolved around internalizing what my mother and father expected from me, what I could or could not give back to them to attempt to please them, and my defense mechanisms for managing the fallout when I failed to either please them, or protect them, or myself, from the results of the conflict that arose in our house when I either made yet another mistake, or when father overreacted to any situation that brought a sense of fear or threat into the home environment. I needed to be “heard” yet I did not know what to say to make myself heard in such a way that I could feel love and peace consistently. There was also that aspect where I felt a need to “balance” whatever energy was being over-expressed at any particular moment, which certainly added to my “passive-aggressive component” of self-expression. It was as if I had extra self-organizing principles or personalities occupying my ego mind, my creations of who I thought my father and mother were, and my own need to be heard and recognized, which was crowding out the “real me”, whoever or whatever that might be, if anyone, maybe there was never a real “me” present, or only some sort of complex verbal construct that became known as “Bruce”.
The Windshield Wiper
I get questioned from time to time about why I need to write about doing personal inventory about the impact of Toxic masculinity upon my life, and upon the human race in general. Some perceive that I must have anger or hatred motivating me for “attacking” our masculine heritage and background. Those questions have led to the following story appearing here:
A man got into his car, and put Roberta Flack’s version of Jimmy Cliff’s song “I can see clearly now the rain is gone” onto his car audio player. He started the car, and began driving down the road during a driving rainstorm. Not more than one block down the road, he slammed head-on into another car, critically injuring himself and the other driver, who happened to be a female. The policeman who showed up on the scene investigated the accident, and noted that the male driver had failed to turn his windshield wipers on. He visited him in the hospital to interview him, so that he could finish his report. When the driver who failed to turn on his windshield wipers awoke from his coma, the officer asked him why he didn’t turn on his windshield wipers.
“Officer, I did everything right. I was playing the right music in the background, and I trusted that I was seeing all that I needed to see”.
The officer immediately cited him for reckless endangerment and reckless driving.
There is your answer.
Our unconscious behavior causes damage every moment of every day. Turn on those damned windshield wipers, fellows, and leave them on! If we are still a man, and a human being, it is always raining somewhere inside of our minds, or even in our heart. If someone writes us a citation for our behavior, we need to learn from it, rather than resisting it.
Why would anybody think that they can just apply another coat of spiritual paint to cover over a house experiencing rot and decay, and expect that new paint job to have any lasting, positive effect? New thoughts layering over, or covering our non-examined embedded belief structures are just like slapping another coat of paint over the decaying house. In the program of AA, we call that our “look good”, which means that we keep our exterior looking just fine, thank you very much, all the while our interior remains corrupted, unexplored and unhealed. A favored expression is “we are only as sick as our secrets”, but our secrets do keep all of us sick, whether we want to deal with them, or not. The examined life demands that we take inventory on our self, and make every effort to understand the motivations behind all of our thoughts and actions in this world. The deeper we dig, the more that we learn that we are connected at a much deeper, more profound level with the rest of humanity than we ever dreamed possible. It is then that the healing we undertake as an individual can have a “ripple effect” upon the rest of humanity, because we all influence the collective, as well as individual, consciousness that we experience as human beings.
Yet, there is hope. I found balance and healing in my own life, without using outdated religious fundamentalist modes of thought, which continue to pollute the minds and hearts of millions of Americans. The 700 Club on TV should be called the 666 Club, and Pat Robertson, and all of the other unconscious supporters of this nonsense, need to make way for the New Truth dawning in the minds and hearts of our Awakening America.
The Evangelicals who continue to obstinately support Trump have revealed their true colors to all thinking and feeling Americans, and I remain appalled by their collective ignorance, hatred, and collusion with anti-Christ principles. Many are now promoting “loyalty pledges” to their anti-Christ master, and who knows what the dangerous endpoint will be for this nonsense? I fear that the formation of the pseudo-Christian equivalent of “the Taliban” is happening right before our eyes.
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