I never chose this uneven life path of recovery from trauma, life chose it for me. I choose how to deal with the sights along the way, however.
The amygdala in our brains under duress from trauma creates new paths, leading in unhealthy directions, when these issues that arise through trauma are not promptly dealt with honestly and openly. For me, my number one intention for facilitating healing of myself is to avoid situations or people where poor communication and suppression of human emotions has become ‘normalized’. There are guaranteed negative outcomes associated with those interactions which have resulted in secondary damage and the potential for profound anxiety attacks.
I began to experience the “BIG THREE” of depression, anxiety, and the occasional panic attack, in the latter part of 2017, beginning about two weeks after the death of my father, and three weeks after the death of my friend Marty.
I grapple with (and sometimes continue to contemplate):
1). the care for, and eventual death of my father, and the difficulties in the management of his estate,
2). the challenges in supporting the protracted dying process, and the eventual death of my good friend Marty in the week prior to my fathers’ death
3). dealing with the insanity of the wife of my deceased friend, and her ongoing spiritual dementia,
4). a crippling foot problem characterized by the highest possible pain intensity,
5). cancelling a lifetime “friendship” with a high school best friend who had become physically, spiritually, and emotionally unavailable through the past 40 years,
6). becoming alienated last year from an alcoholic/bipolar nephew, and his family which we had been spending much time with, and not being able to talk to them about the issues, after a vicious divorce cycle,
7). an ongoing issue of dealing with and managing the health and safety of my elderly aunt (dad’s sister) who is disabled, and abandoned by the rest of her family, including her own daughter, and
8) TREASON (Trump Related Extreme Anxiety Striking Our Nation)
I now have intimate knowledge of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, and I now consider myself a personal expert in these matters, albeit a reluctant one. It is inappropriate to keep these issues “secret”, as I tend to be as sick as the secrets that I attempt to keep. Remaining unconscious and victimized by these conditions is not a helpful option for me now, or anytime.
The following have been found to be helpful for me:
1). Seeking “professional help” from therapists or physicians/surgeons as required,
2). exercise (such as yoga, with emphasis on proper breathing techniques),
3). immersion in Nature (walks through parks, forests, deserts, etc. as available),
4). meditation (listening to relaxing music is useful, if the mind will not quiet on its own),
5). getting plenty of rest/sleep (not automatic or easy when in anxious states. Use of melatonin and non-caffeinated relaxation tea prior to bed is helpful),
6). honest and open communication with friends and family (hanging around people with positive, loving attitudes and behaviors is important),
7). insight (and taking my inventory, to use the parlance of 12 step groups),
8). prayer (focused intention/thought energy for personal and collective change, for those so inclined),
9). service to others who are less fortunate, and
10). medication (if necessary) can be helpful. Ibuprofen is effective for anxiety, as well as (in the short term) some “heavier hitters” such as Ativan and Xanax, or anti-depressants (FYI, I can’t stand Xanax).
11). avoiding obvious anxiety producing behaviors, like excess coffee consumption, eating sugar or high carbohydrate mix foods excessively, or over booking my day-to-day life,
12). continue to allow feelings to naturally arise, with no judgement.
13). continue without shame and guilt any unfinished emotional business, such as grieving for the loss of loved ones.
14). watch a few good comedies, or go see a good comedian (lighten up!)
15). Go to live music performances, and enjoy the presence of powerful positive group energy.
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a name given to one powerful variation of related symptoms, and therapy and techniques developed for its healing may be appropriate, as well (a form of acupressure called the “tapping” technique is quite helpful).
Writing into a personal journal or blog can be helpful. Posting to Facebook, with the hope or expectation that somebody who cares might read a posting and give meaningful feedback, is unrealistic, and can potentially be dangerous, depending on the state of mind of the writer at the time of posting. It is best to have friends and connections who respond directly, preferably in person, where our humanity shines the brightest and has the most healing potential. Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, or whatever other media vehicle that one may employ for communication in isolation just cannot get the job done, PERIOD. Just passing time without helping myself would never have allowed for sufficient healing either.
It really is distressing to experience the fear of losing my mind and sanity, the light-headed spacy-ness, extra fear around health issues, and the all around sense of discomfort and disease of being in a disturbed state of mind, and being. It comes to me in cycles now, with about two to three weeks of reprieve, followed by two or three troubling days. This coming from a man who knew perfect peace and harmony for most of the last 30 years of my life.
As I move toward healing, compassion towards myself and others is one of the intended outcomes. The absence of this only perpetuates the anxiety cycle.
For those who still suffer, please save yourself.
I started using marijuana my sophomore year of high school, and that use brought me into association with the Oak Grove group of students, who I had not met before, as I went to a different grade school (Concord) than they did. It was with a small subset of this group that I “learned how to drink alcohol”. Goose’s Garage in Oak Grove became my training center for social drinking, beer keggars , and out of control drunkenness, and I was a fast learner. After my first “drunk” I knew that I was an alcoholic, and that I would eventually die from it.
It was after my first “drunk” that I knew that I would be dead by age 30, at the very latest. I had resigned myself, at an early age, to the life of an alcoholic/addict, and i knew that I just had to “maintain control” as best i could, even though i no longer had control over my choices in life. Yes, my death wish was enshrined early, and worshiped daily.
In high school in my junior year, i was required to keep a daily journal for a writing class. The problem was that I had no “insight”, at least as far as being able to put into words what the interior nature of my mind and life looked like. I had to submit something, and in my desperation to get a decent grade i went to a bookstore, to find a book to help me to ‘look at myself’.
Hugh Prather had written a book called ‘Notes To Myself’, and I stumbled upon it, and bought it. I was so empty of complete statements about myself and my life that I copied statements from Hugh’s book, and tried to ‘personalize’ them so that it would not be obvious that I had copied his work.
I got my passing grade, felt very relieved, and continued on my awkward, highly dysfunctional path through high school. I was near the top of my class near graduation time, yet I was so out of touch with the majority of my classmates, as well as with myself, that to finally graduate seemed like it might change, if not end, much of my social anxiety and sense of disconnect. Of course this could not be further from the truth.
Looking back, this would have been great stuff to write about in high school, but i was living a lie, and the telling of the truth to others, let alone to myself, might force me into changes that I could not embrace or consider as possibilities. The absence of personal honesty and insight doomed me to a deteriorating life experience, and limited my choices so much that many days, and years, I felt trapped in a prison, with interior windows sometimes only opening to Hell.
I will bypass a few years, and revisit insight again. In April of 1984, I placed myself in the Care Unit of Lovejoy Hospital for a month, with the intentions of maintaining my job with the U.S. Postal Service, as well as, maybe, staying sober for a little while. I had a female Christian counselor named Claire, who was my guide while residing in this facility. A requirement was to keep a daily journal, and to document our “internal weather” while undergoing orientation back into a life of “sobriety”.
I remained quite uncomfortable recording my “interior universe”. Little had changed since high school with becoming “honest with my self”, and finding any hidden gems to discover, and write about. I found that i could write a lot, however, if what i wrote had the intention of “pleasing others” ,especially if they were female in orientation. Also if I could sometimes make somebody else a little “wrong” for what they were, or more regularly for me, accept FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS, I could find something to write about. Yet, something else was also brewing inside, to be revealed at a later time.
Every day my desire for PEACE was acknowledged, all the while attending the daily groups, and counselling sessions. I attempted to practice the 12 steps of AA, for alcoholic recovery, which demands insight, and rigorous honesty. My chances were still “less than average”, due to fundamental flaws in the basic makeup of my “personal consciousness, and awareness”. A lifetime of oppression, insanity, and repression of spirit, does not just magically disappear because others, or myself, think that it might be a good idea.
The final descent into darkness has been documented elsewhere, and I feel no need to rewrite my life story here. Suffice it to say, to follow new paths of consciousness means to “become aware” as a human being, and listen to my heart, and the heart of others, as we travel these uncertain paths of life that lay before us. And, I must continue to accept personal responsibility for all of my thoughts and actions, while supporting others to do the same. We must walk together, or die alone.
“The unexamined life will be painfully lived”
Jack Boland, several years before his death from cancer.
Insight and mindfulness, meditation, walking away from self-destructive dependencies, maintaining dialogue with others, speaking our truth, fighting against oppression of others, and repression within our own hearts and souls, following new paths of consciousness, working out our own salvation, while helping others on their own paths (only as requested) as well, are ways to develop collective awareness, and healing, and bringing peace of mind to our own interior universe. We cannot love others, or our own lives, completely, until we make peace within our own hearts and souls.
I attempted meditation upon my own source of pain and suffering, and what came to me was how most of what I know about myself, and my reactions to the world, was created by my fundamental relationship to my parents. I had never developed a complete sense of self in my early years (I will not call it Asperger’s Syndrome, or Autism, though it manifested similarly to ADHD) and my sense of self revolved around internalizing what my mother and father expected from me, what I could or could not give back to them to attempt to please them, and my defense mechanisms for managing the fallout when I failed to either please them, or protect them, or myself, from the results of the conflict that arose in our house when I either made yet another mistake, or when father overreacted to any situation that brought a sense of fear or threat into the home environment. There was also that aspect where I felt a need to “balance” whatever energy was being over expressed at any particular moment, which certainly added to my “passive-aggressive component” of self-expression. It was as if I had two extra self-organizing personalities occupying my ego mind, my creations of who I thought my father and mother were, which was crowding out the “real me”, whoever or whatever that might be (if anyone, maybe there was never a real “me” present, only some sort of complex verbal construct?).
With the death of my father, it ended the era of subservience to his needs, and the need to “protect” my mother from my perception of his aggression towards her.. It also ended the era of incomplete grieving for my own mother’s death, as I had to immediately support my mentally deteriorating father when mother died, and I never completely worked through my own grieving process. I was finally an “orphan”, and all of the entanglements that kept me wound around their lives were now physically removed. My fathers’ spirit no longer needed to overshadow my own life, and now I was allowed to live fully into whatever, or whoever I am, or was supposed to be.
For me this is an extraordinary release, because my “ego” formed much differently that most of the rest of humanity due to unusual parental bonding issues just after birth, and through my first 4-5 years. Being placed on “formula” right after birth, and being placed in a chilly car in the garage at night so that my father could sleep better (I was just another “damned crying baby”) left me as a young being feeling abandoned, and lonely, from the beginning. Though I loved my parents, I certainly did not want to grow up and be like them. Yet, I was not able to offer to my developing self a viable alternative to being like my father, being extremely limited creatively, and my resultant dull, though at times insightful, personality reflected that darkness.
Up to this most recent point in my life, I have perceived the collective impact of toxic male consciousness upon my individual existence, with some insight into my own father’s sometimes toxic involvement in my own mind’s formation. I saw that I had two Tricksters roaming through the inner recesses of my heart and soul, and their continued presence, though they gave me guidance, though I often ignored it, and they kept me from being lonely as a young being, Insight was showing me that they kept me from developing into my greater good as an independent, free human being as an adult, though they had value earlier in my life. In our world, there are countless examples of “self organizing systems”, and all creatures, and the minds of those creatures, are examples of that miracle in action. The bodies appear to be primarily organized through the pattern created by the history of that species, and it’s interactions with its earthly environment. DNA appears to carry that pattern within our very cells.
Yet the mind appears to have an extra self-organizing principle attached to it, as it organizes itself into a personal sense of being. That little mystery revolves around how well the organism feels accepted by, and connected to the environment that the body travels through. Thus, healthier senses of self arise, and are supported, by myriads of “successful” interactions with its social and physical environment. First and foremost is the beings’ acceptance and integration into the primary family cell, or group. If the young being does not get the requisite positive feedback early on, it faces tremendous odds against forming a happy, well-adjusted self organizing principle, or ego. My first 31 years of life reflected the internalized horror of a life suppressed by the “conspiracy of silence” created by my subservience to a damaged image of self, and other. My own true nature had been masked over, or silenced, through that process.
Who, or what, am I now? I am a mystery, even to myself. I need not be anxious, though the transition times from what I thought I was to who I am predestined to become does create intense anxiety. I am to be forever walking into the unknowable present moment. Living into the Truth of what that is now is the new story of my life. There is but One Mind, but it is only experienced in the Unknown.
That next day at the beach, on Tuesday, I experienced the most beautiful perfect peace, and sense of wholeness, that I can recall. The rest of our shared day was characterized by a strong sense of the sacred, and I felt a deepening connection with everybody, and everything. The beauty of the ocean and it’s scenery, the beauty of our friendships, the taste of our food, even the continuing pain in my foot, all felt to me like lyrics of a heavenly song that was connected together by the rhythm of Love.
The conspiracy of silence has to be broken, again and again if necessary, and the silencing of my true identity through adherence to old, worn out patterns of behavior inculcated into me by our culture, our religions, our so-called teachers and teachings, and our misunderstandings of our parents, our God and creator, and our outdated sense of self have to end, for this present moment healing event to have any hope of transforming the heart and soul.
In this moment, I am no longer anxious, I am free. I will find a way to manage future moments, if they bring anxiousness back to me.
“I” will not be denied. I will not deny your own excellence, and your own potential for greatness. Our shared sense of self, and our stories will support and highlight the rest of our continued existence on this plane of being.
May all sentient beings remain free from suffering.
May my own sentience guide me away from all temptations to bring suffering to self, and other.
Please, save yourself.
My father represented, in a perfect way, how my life experience had become overshadowed by the needs and concerns of our culture, and its own unconscious needs to dominate, control, and oppress, especially those who did not conform to its twisted values. My father had great difficulty, in times of stress, in recognizing the intrinsic value of all life, including my “baby self”, and my essence as a young boy. My father showed to me what that dark, negative end point looks like from a lifetime lacking in true collaboration and emotional integrity while sharing life force with others. My father achieved his goals in life, yet at what cost did they come to him, and to the people that he influenced and controlled? And, what is the cost to a society that blindly plows forward while supporting ideals that do not conform to the development of its citizens’ sense of safety, security, self-esteem, highest nature, and truth?
Recovery from abuse, trauma, and addiction.
The first step in recovery from trauma, abuse, and addiction is to begin a recovery program to help heal our addictions.
We need to create a timeline of our early history, our best anamnesis
posting to Facebook initally wanting likes,then watching that need until it evaporates.
last years of dad’s life, and my renegotiating with the image I had developed over my life.
competition, and perceived scarcity of love; Leads to lack of ability to acknowledge the value of self, and the other/
The compulsion to drink and use to hide from ourselves can be lifted. We can know love and forgiveness of ourselves, and others, like we thought would never be possible. We can become a light unto ourselves and others, and that light can sustain us for the rest of our days. We can be at peace, and understand, perhaps for the first time in our life, how to live life on life’s terms. We can finally find what we were looking for our entire life, so please do not give up before the real miracle of our life reveals itself. Finding God means finding our real healthier, saner self, the two just cannot be separated. Therein lies the challenge, and the growth opportunities, of living a spiritual life.
Those who find what they are looking for, find the secret of sobriety, and the secret of a successfully lived life. Happiness, joy, and freedom become our life’s most enduring companions on the journey of sobriety. Difficulties, sorrows, heart breaks, deaths, depressions, anxieties, and even relapses may still arise, but we now have healthier tools for dealing with the adversity of life. We no longer hide from life, but instead remain engaged with it. We ride Life’s occasional Tsunami waves, rather than be drowned by them. We learn that it was not Life’s loads that broke us, but instead it was the unconscious and unskilled ways that we carried them. Now we have the developed spiritual skills to successfully manage Life’s unavoidable burdens, while creating the conditions for new opportunities in life and for prosperity in its many forms, including enhancing our relationships to each other!
I did not cause or create this disease, I cannot control this disease, and I cannot cure this disease. I have had many, many years of sobriety, but I have also had three major relapses over the past 34 years, as well. I can continue to treat myself consciously and with love for this disease, and show the benefits of recovery from this disease to those who still suffer, and have interest in their own recovery process. Relapse is part of recovery (my apologies to fundamentalist AA Big Book thumpers who might disagree-yes, even AA has its own version of fundamentalists. They mean well, and they want everybody to succeed like they have). The point remains to lift ourselves up in recovery, even though we might have descended the ladder into the hell of addictions yet again. If we fall seven times, we lift ourselves up eight times.
If you still are addicted to drugs, alcohol, or other self-destructive activities, you are not without choices. We all have the internal power to change, we only need to learn how to consciously access that power which is greater than our addictions and bad habits, and express its infinite healing potential. For me, the choice became between living a “divinely (love and healing) inspired life”, or leading a self-destructive life. For those that continue to drink alcohol and use drugs to your own detriment, and the detriment of others, what are your choices?
I continue to have contact with practicing alcoholics and/or drug addicts, as well as the family and friend “enablers” that consciously or unconsciously continue to support them in their dysfunction. Enablers are not bad people, we just do not know what to say, or how to say it, to those who continue to abuse their chemical of choice. We might be hesitant to give feedback, for fear of being rejected and/or seen as being overly judgmental, or we may have become fatalistic in our appraisal of the situation, and given up hope. For some of us, we have remained silent in the face of direct threats against the continuing health and safety of our beloved family members or friends, and our own emotional well-being while attempting to remain an active part of the diseased family structure.
To those who continue to enable bad/self-destructive behavior of others, just remember that even though you did not cause the disease, you cannot control the disease, and you cannot cure the disease, by your remaining silent on the sidelines, you remain part of the denial system of the practicing addict/alcoholic. At some point, it WILL BECOME NECESSARY to confront the alcoholic/drug addict, and speak your truth. Then you will need to set your boundaries, and hold fast to them. Becoming a “black belt Alanon” may be your only hope for maintaining safe boundaries. This can include eschewing all conversations and/or physical connection with the offending family member unless they are sober, and MAKING SURE THAT THE ADDICT/ALCOHOLIC KNOWS EXACTLY WHY YOU ARE KEEPING AWAY FROM THEM.
Your own mental health and personal safety become most important, for without that, you remain a powerless part of the social and family problem of addiction/alcoholism. There are many addicts and alcoholics who have found the way to use their disease to control their family, their friends, their employers, and all of the people in their lives like they were marionettes on a string. We must not remain a functioning part of their diseased control dramas, lest we lose control over our own destiny, and sanity.
You are one of my very few readers, so I remain well acquainted with anonymity,which is one of the supporting spiritual principles for AA. My headlights shine brightly for my own “vehicle of consciousness” on my own new path of consciousness, yet they provide little illumination for others on their own unique path. This is as it should be, as “no teacher can effect the salvation of others, as we each must work it out for ourselves”. Yet, we must be willing to share our experience, strength, and hope, so that others might benefit from our journey.
We are all as sick as the secrets that we keep from each other, and from ourselves.
Choose wisely, oh mankind, the secrets that we keep,
for by our choices, we all may awaken, or die lonely and asleep.
The oppression of our mentally ill, and the repression of the basic human spirit by those practicing their professional and religious witchcraft, continues to appall me.
My first wife, Donelle Mae Flick Paullin, suffered from what psychiatric professionals labeled as paranoid schizophrenia. I struggled mightily to help, and to understand her, over the many years that I stayed in touch with her. I gained insight not only into her “disease”, which also devolved into multiple personality disorder, but also into the very mind of mankind. Mankind suffers from aspects of this disease in a collective sense, and the oppressed and victimized, and most innocent and sensitive people in our society are most vulnerable to developing such mental illnesses.
The psychiatric profession would do itself wonders to finally gain the necessary insight to understand the underlying message here, for we are all about to be impacted by our cultural INSANITY, as far too many American citizens continue their own unconscious descent into their own darkness. They need better guidance, and our sick society needs better guidance, before it is too late for all of us.
Enlightenment does not come to the “fat and happy” people of our world. Enlightenment is NOT a gentle process, merely attained through reading books, practicing affirmations, talking with our friendly therapists, and attending a few workshops and conferences. To find true enlightenment, a path through personal, and collective, insanity is REQUIRED. The religious short circuiting approach of giving all of our troubles to Jesus does not get to the root of the problem, and only enmeshes us in someone else’s wayward understanding of how to bring healing to ourselves.
Watch how the so-called ‘professionals’ of our culture continue to try to oppress this movement, and repress those impulses within themselves, and others under their ‘spell’ or control.
I can quote from the Bible, Koran, Talmud, Bhagavad Gita, or the sayings of the “enlightened masters” such as the Buddha, Jesus Christ, Mohammed, or more recently Krishnamurti, the Dalai Lama, OR ALL OTHERS, for the rest of eternity, but until I face myself directly and honestly, NO TRANSFORMATIVE CHANGE WILL OCCUR. The same is true for our country, and for our world.
For those who understand, I will see you, and be with you for as long as necessary
My father made many mistakes in his life, and in his relationship with myself, my sister, and with my mother, but this frequent immersion in the great outdoors that my father gave us was never one of them. The bottom line to all of this is that my father imbued me with a deep connection with the outdoors, and his love of nature and wilderness areas. Being in nature is a healing, nurturing experience, and dad intuitively knew that. I have since figured out that most of society’s problems probably arise from our civilization’s incredible disconnect from, and our collective destruction of, our Mother Earth. Also, our continued dependence on mindless entertainment and technology “toys” that continue to redirect too many people away from our true nature into yet more fragmented understandings of self and other. That being stated, even being in Nature has its limitations as far as healing capacity, depending on the individual’s willingness to face the truth about his/her life, and the willingness to make necessary adjustments to one’s life course.
Thirty years ago, beginning on May 24th, and extending through July 21st, I had a series of three spiritual “events” which, to this day, guide and direct the consciousness presently unfolding within me.
May 24, 1987 Description of Experience (extreme edit version)
On May 24, 1987, as I was driving toward Beaverton to visit Randy Olson. Randy was a lifelong friend, fellow party monster, and rent sharing partner in 1986 when I contemplated, and then took the active steps towards committing suicide on January 28, 1986 and beyond. As I drove over the West Hills, a wonderful vision came to me. It was the vision of a loving mother, holding a baby, and I felt the love of this wonderful UNIVERSE for the first time in my lifetime (later, I was taught to understand that this energy is the Divine Feminine, of which our patriarchal world continues to suppress daily, and has successfully done so, more or less, for at least the last 2000 years).
There is the love we have for each other, for our friends, our pets, our children, our families, but this love that I felt flow into me, and through me, transported me into a heightened awareness, and awe. The beauty was too great to talk about, the feeling so overwhelming, so healing, so resurrecting. I had to stop my car on Canyon Blvd, exited the car, and I got down on my knees beside the road and prayed my thankfulness to a CREATIVE FORCE that finally had found me receptive, and open, to its presence.
I made it to Randy’s house, and I met with him for the first time since a particularly ugly alcoholic blackout event that occurred after the last time we drank together, in March. Randy could not believe his eyes, and he then stated:
“Bruce, what has happened to you? You look different, you look happy. You look at peace. You have changed!!!”
Yes, I had changed, or, more accurately, a Change was happening. I started talking to Randy about my experience, and Randy started to get tingling sensations up and down his spine. The hairs on his arms starting sticking up straight off of his arms! Randy exclaimed:
“Bruce, what is going on? When you talk, I start to tingle all over. What has happened?”
“Well, I think that I am having an experience with God, Randy.” I said.
Randy then said:
“Your God experience is not for me right now, but I sure am happy that you are having it, because you needed something different in your life really bad, and really quick!”
Oh, how right he was!
(the story goes on, but I will end it here).
Note: Randy died a lonely, alcohol use and cigarette smoking related death three years ago.
I have included this aspect of my personal life, because there is a direct connection between what unfolded in my personal life while being a masculine energy dominated alcoholic, and the patriarchal evil that is unfolding in our world today. Our world remains intoxicated by its masculine hubris, greed, insensitivity, and the continuing domination and subjugation of all feminine energy. And, the world is in the midst of its own collective march towards suicide, should ignorance, greed, and Trump style politics predominate.
Yet, there is hope. I found balance and healing in my own life, without using outdated religious fundamentalist modes of thought, which continue to pollute the minds and hearts of millions of Americans. The 700 Club on TV should be called the 666 Club, and Pat Robertson, and all of the other unconscious supporters of this nonsense, need to make way for the New Truth dawning in the minds and hearts of our Awakening America.
The Evangelicals who continue to obstinately support Trump have revealed their true colors to all thinking and feeling Americans, and I remain appalled by their collective ignorance, hatred, and collusion with anti-Christ principles. Many are now promoting “loyalty pledges” to their anti-Christ master, and who knows what the dangerous endpoint will be for this nonsense? I fear that the formation of the pseudo-Christian equivalent of “the Taliban” is happening right before our eyes.
Today I grieve. Not because my Facebook post will continue to be ignored by most of humanity, but because callous, hate filled masculine energy runs rampant in our world, victimizing and destroying sacred life in all forms, and profiting from our own destruction. And, much of our American religious landscape remains dominated by blind adherence to Patriarchy, and all of the evil that emanates from it.
“Some people just want to watch the world burn.”
My heart breaks, yet somehow, miraculously, love still lives.
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