This is an excerpt from my journal: I am eternally indebted to Sharon White for her loving acceptance and support for my healing process.
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF MY BEING, OR, THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO BRUCE– a brief history of my insanity
Writer’s Note: I had a dream several days ago, where I witnessed the “death” of my loved ones, and then my own “death”. The funny thing was that I was still there, watching and interacting within the interior dimension, even though I was supposedly dead. How can one “die” and actually still be alive? That is the essence of my life story, which will eventually follow.
Krishnamurti: “It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
There is no minister or church, no support group, therapist, mother, father, brother, sister, wife, husband, daughter, son, pet dog, or Jesus Christ figurine that can dig into our own unique version of the human soul for us, and remove the thorns/swords which have been thrust into our side over the years since our first appearance on this planet Earth. We must each dig deep into our hearts and souls, and face the absolute darkest areas of life itself, and from this inward journey, mine our own treasures from our relationship with the dark force, or else our lives just become the continuation of a story of someone else’s second hand/passed down dysfunction, which we cannot ever completely heal. Our own living, dynamic story must become forefront in our minds, examined fully to its deepest core(s), we must see where the source of our own discomfort lies, and then the power of our awareness can then bring healing into this new, present moment of experience (some actually call this process “mindfulness:, though I just call it taking personal inventory, as I learned in AA.
For me life was no easy journey, and had it not been for some deep need to understand my dysfunctional process, I would have passed long ago. Some wounds are so deep, and primal, that there has never been a name given to them that completely reveals their true nature. Oh, how the latest experts on human psychology will try to impress all of us with the multitudes of names for this darkness, and impress us they do! Virtually all of the interesting characters in history have struggled with, and have overcome, at least to some degree, this dark force, and it is their journey that becomes the stuff of great stories and legends. I will try to give a context, and a name(s) to this distress that I share with the rest of humanity. This is my story about my exploration of some of the more fundamental aspects of my consciousness, and, thus, of all human consciousness. It was revealed to me that there are two fundamental cores to my personal dysfunction. It is around these illusory cores that the whole of my consciousness swirled around, as if drawn and disfigured by two distinct, though interconnected, black holes of negative influence. The length of the story (it is now a book length document) reveals the level of my resistance to life, an extreme resistance that may have begun in my mothers’ womb, or, maybe, it extends all the way back to the beginning of human consciousness, but the start date is unimportant. What is important is the intention to bring healing to a darkened situation.
How do I attempt to bring healing to my broken interior? First, I needed to hone my powers of insight. Then, I needed to develop the emotional and spiritual fortitude to look at the entirety of my life, and then incorporate the experience for my greater good, which also impacts the whole of life in a more positive manner. Having had a spiritual awakening in 1987 was really only the beginning of my process, though I had hoped, immaturely, that it signaled the end of all of my emotional trials, disease and dysfunction.
A small portion of my journey towards healing is documented below. As each individual is unique, please do not use my experience to minimize, or maximize, your own. We must eventually find our own direction for life, AND LEARN NOT ONLY HOW TO THINK AND FEEL FOR OURSELVES, BUT LEARN HOW TO LISTEN TO OTHERS, AND, ULTIMATELY, LEARN HOW TO THINK AND FEEL WITH OTHERS, TOO.
When our healing path or goal has finally been spotted-or, has spotted us-we each can take our own, unique journey. The trail that each one of us blazes is as important as any path made by any prophet who has ever lived, or will live. It is only our ego that would say otherwise. I have minimized my own experience in the past, not wanting to challenge myself, or others in my life, too severely with the lessons of the unfolding of my spirituality. I remain uncomfortable with becoming identified with any sacred process, as this is an immensely personal, private experience. I have witnessed the abuses that our culture heaps upon individuals who stray too far from the standard cultural paths of religious/spiritual understandings or generally accepted church doctrines.
I remember too many times when I was rejected for speaking from my heart (and this had been internalized as part of my basic ego structure as a child, and still “haunts” me as an adult, when I let it through inattention-(this is DARK FORCE #1), so of course I am a little careful here. There is always the threat of having a negative social experience that can arise from “casting your pearls before swine”. I do not want to be held accountable to a truth that others may perceive I am not presently upholding at the highest levels. I also have observed, with much concern, the recent marketing and bastardization of healing and spirituality by not so well-meaning capitalists, and I certainly have no need or intention of joining in that potentially predatory activity.
I will begin by paraphrasing a fable that was first recounted to me in a book by Krishnamurti. (note: I was led to Krishnamurti , and he became a teacher to me when I struggled to interpret, and to live, my ongoing experience of spiritual unfoldment, during the period of 1988-1990. His works spoke to me in a most uncanny way). The reason that this fable is listed may not be immediately evident, but it points to the principle that just because we all believe in something, those beliefs, in and of itself, does not make them true, right, or wise. I will also include a few pertinent quotes from some important teachers of the past. I will then repeat a dream that I had as a young lad. This will be followed by a brief synopsis of my life experience while being a chemically dependent individual. Finally, the “path” of spiritual awakening that resulted from my entry onto the path of recovery. There will be four “poems” which I have included that have some relevance to my process, and which were actually written by me, and inspired by my life’s experiences. And, I have brought this document up to the present by including some writings from this year to finish off this document. In observing the election of Donald Trump, who represents the broken soul of American Manhood, I have to acknowledge my sorrow in observing the out picturing into our collective consciousness most of the troubling garbage that I so painfully observed emanating from myself when I was immersed in my own personal ignorance. I do not support Donald Trump’s values in the least, yet I have compassion for him, and for all men who are still troubled by their own brokenness, and their perceived inability to face or heal themselves. In truth, this year has become one of the most challenging and fulfilling years of my life, as the fruits from the search for healing has finally revealed the answers that I did not think to pursue earlier.
To be continued later (maybe)
