May 24, 1987 For Book

Chapter 27: Breaking the Silence—Restoring the Circuitry of the Divine Feminine

The human soul acts much like a conductor of energy, carrying within it an extraordinary capacity for renewal and transmission. I discovered this truth not through theological study or philosophical contemplation, but through the raw crucible of personal devastation and a subsequent, violent spiritual awakening. What began as a short-circuit of the spirit—a descent into addiction and despair—ultimately became my pathway to understanding the profound healing power that emerges when we courageously confront our deepest wounds and embrace the transformative presence of the Divine Feminine.

If you were to judge by the earlier chapters of this book, “An Electrician’s Guide to Our Universe,” you might assume my life followed a schematic of organized progression: a linear path of learning, grounding, and eventual enlightenment. Nothing could be further from the truth. My journey was not designed by a spiritually inspired electrical engineer; it was an installation by an unqualified spiritual wire person, a chaotic entanglement of misconnected and disconnected wires, and of crossed signals and blown fuses.

This is not merely a personal testimony, but an invitation to examine how trauma—particularly that which stems from the suppression of the feminine principle—can become the very catalyst for our most profound spiritual evolution. By sharing this intimate journey, I hope to illuminate how we can repair the broken connections that plague not just our individual lives, but our collective bandwidth.

The Roots of the Short Circuit: Early Trauma

Before we can understand the surge of healing, we must first inspect the wiring of the wound. We must acknowledge the pervasive sources of trauma that shape our earliest experiences of self and world.

The foundation of a soul, beyond genetics and biology, rests in the tender moments of connection and care during our formative years. When these moments are fractured, they leave behind cracks that reverberate through adulthood. My own journey into trauma began early, rooted in a profound maternal absence during my most vulnerable months.

My infancy was marked by the quiet crisis of the 1950s parenting style, where productivity often outweighed nurturing. Unable to breastfeed and consumed by work responsibilities, my mother could offer little of the physical, nurturing presence my infant soul craved. To accommodate exhausted parents, I was often “garaged”—left to cry in a car in the garage, away from the household’s peace, wrapped in a warm blanket but devoid of human warmth.

Those nights spent crying alone created a foundational wound of disconnection. It was a severance of the primary circuit. This early deprivation manifested as delayed speech, recurring nightmares, and a persistent sense of being an alien component in the machinery of the world. At school, my attempts to gain attention often resulted in disciplinary trouble. I felt a natural affinity for the gentler company of girls, which left me feeling alienated from male peers who seemed more at ease in their prescribed, rigid roles.

This personal trauma was merely a microcosm of a larger, collective wounding. We live in a culture that has prioritized economic output over nurturing bonds. We have accepted rigid gender roles that condition men toward competitive individualism and suppress emotional vulnerability, while simultaneously relegating feminine voices to subordinate positions.

For me, this manifested as a spiritual revulsion toward organized religion. Even as a child, the sacred texts and rituals felt hollow. They spoke of a Father God, a disciplinarian, a figure of hierarchy and judgment. Where was the nurturing? Where was the embrace? The suppression of the Divine Feminine in our religious narratives had created a profound imbalance, a spiritual tragedy that left me, and millions of others, feeling unworthy and separated from the sacred.

The Descent into Darkness

Adolescence brought no relief, only an amplification of the static. The competitive dynamics of teenage social hierarchies deepened my wounds, while romantic relationships remained elusive mysteries. By 1984, an ill-fated early marriage and its subsequent dissolution compounded my sense of failure.

For fifteen years, I wandered through a landscape of despair, attempting to numb the pain with substance abuse. Alcohol and drugs became my primary spiritual practice, a false method of expanding my bandwidth that only served to degrade the signal. Each high promised transcendence but delivered only deeper entanglement in cycles of craving. Friends faded away, family relationships crumbled under the weight of broken promises, and employment vanished along with my reliability.

The descent reached its nadir on January 28, 1986. You have already read the story in a previous chapter.

Driven by the collapse of my marriage and a secondary love interest, and my own insouciance in the face of overwhelming odds, I decided to check out. This wasn’t an impulsive decision born of temporary sadness; it was a calculated assessment that the life I was experiencing held no value worth preserving. I had begun the rumination on my end when my addictions started at age 15, telling myself that if I could not escape their pillory by 30 years of age, I would kill myself. So, at 30 years of age I attempted to end my life.

The attempt failed. Waking up in the aftermath, I experienced not relief, but a confused, conditional acceptance. I was amazed at the coincidences that had prevented my departure, yet furious at a universe that kept me trapped in a meaningless existence.

In that moment of faux empowerment, I issued an ultimatum to the Universe. I reloaded my pill bottle—my insurance policy—and spoke into the void. I demanded that unless I could find a truth worth living for, a truth that resonated on a frequency I could actually feel, I would complete the work of self-destruction.

I began a search for Truth.

For the next year, I was sucked into the underworld of Portland, Oregon. I lived among the addicted, the lost, and the forgotten. Yet, here in the shadow realm, I encountered a different kind of wisdom—raw, unfiltered, and stripped of pretense. I lived without any inhibiting self-consciousness or shame as I plumbed the depths of human existence. I encountered an angel who lifted me away from certain death, eventually allowing me to embark on a new, sober journey.

Sobriety began in March 1987. It required a complete restructuring of my relationship with consciousness. For fifteen years, I had relied on chemicals to mediate reality. Now, I had to face the raw input of existence.

Two months into this clarity, I discovered a tape series by Jack Boland titled “Twelve Steps to a Spiritual Experience.” These recordings became my schematic for repair. Boland taught that recovery wasn’t just about abstaining from substances; it was about a profound transformation of the soul. He suggested that the very experiences I had dismissed as destructive—addiction, loss, despair—could serve as doorways to spiritual understanding.

I began to implement practices like prayer, meditation, and conscious time in nature. I started to feel a hum of energy returning. But the true surge, the voltage that would reconnect me to the source, was yet to come.

May 24, 1987: The Vision

It was a Sunday. I was driving through the West Hills of Portland, heading toward the home of my lifelong friend, Randy. I had been sober for two months. The static in my head had cleared enough for a new signal to come through.

As I drove along Canyon Boulevard, the air seemed to shift. The mundane scenery of the road dissolved into a feeling of intense, vibrating presence. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by a vision of extraordinary power and beauty.

The image that flooded my consciousness was that of the Mona Lisa. But she was not merely sitting in her enigmatic repose; she was nursing a baby.

This was not a hallucination born of psychosis; it was a complete sensory and emotional encounter with what I can only describe as Infinite Maternal Love. It was a “Divine Horripilation”—a physical manifestation of spirit that caused the hair on my arms to stand up and a tingle to shoot down my spine.

For the first time in my life, the void left by those nights in the garage was filled. I felt enveloped in a profound sense of divine nurturing. It was as though the Universe itself had become my mother, bestowing upon me all the care, warmth, and safety that had been absent in my infancy.

The light of this love seemed to permeate every corner of my being. It was unconditional. It didn’t care about my addiction, my failed marriage, or my suicide attempt. It simply held me. I had to pull my car over to the curb, fall to my knees, and weep—not from sorrow, but from the sheer magnitude of gratitude.

Decoding the Signal: The Divine Feminine

This vision was my spiritual rebirth. I was literally being re-mothered by the Cosmos. But why the Mona Lisa?

As I integrated this experience over the coming weeks and years, I came to understand the symbolism. Leonardo da Vinci is said to have painted the Mona Lisa as a representation of his own soul in feminine form, honoring the divine feminine aspect within his consciousness. He recognized that true creativity, wonder, and compassion emerge from that mysterious, intuitive center.

Consciousness had presented this image to me because it was the precise frequency I needed to heal. I had been wounded by a lack of feminine nurturing, and I had been spiritually starved by a patriarchal religious system that offered only judgment. The Divine Feminine—the nurturing, creative, connecting force of the universe—was the missing piece of my circuitry.

This revelation stood in stark opposition to the narratives I had been fed. The suppression of the Divine Feminine is perhaps the most profound spiritual tragedy of our time. For millennia, we have devalued the intuitive and the collaborative in favor of the dominant and the competitive. We have severed our connection to the Earth and to one another.

My vision revealed that healing our deepest wounds requires the restoration of this sacred balance. The Divine Feminine is not an abstract concept; it is a living, healing presence. It brings the qualities we are starving for: the capacity to nurture growth rather than demand performance, to seek unity rather than division, and to honor the interconnectedness of all life.

The Conspiracy of Silence

When I arrived at Randy’s house that day, I was vibrating. I hadn’t seen him since my drinking days, fourteen months prior. When he opened the door, he stepped back in shock.

“Bruce, what has happened to you?” he exclaimed. “You look different. You look at peace. You have changed!”

I tried to explain. I told him about the vision, about the feeling of universal love. As I spoke, Randy began to rub his arms. “Bruce, what is going on? When you talk, I start to tingle all over. The hair on my arms is standing up!”

He was feeling the resonance of the energy I had tapped into. Yet, even with the physical proof of the energy in the room, Randy pulled back.

“Such an experience is not for me right now,” he said.

I encountered a different, but equally resistant, reaction when I tried to share my experience with a Baptist minister. I sought context, validation, a shared language. Instead, I encountered the “Conspiracy of Silence.” He attempted to redirect my experience into acceptable theological categories, implying that a vision of the Mona Lisa nursing—of a secular, feminine divine—was invalid because it didn’t fit the dogma of White Jesus miracles.

This is the barrier we face. We have a narrow definition of the miraculous. We are taught that miracles belong to saints and prophets within the walls of a church. But what about the secular spiritual aspirant?

What about the electrician, the addict, the mother, the child?

I have discovered that these “secular” moments of transcendence are just as valid as any canonized miracle.

Whether it is a vision of Christ, a moment of awe in nature, or the Mona Lisa nursing a child, the core essence is the same.

Breaking the Conspiracy of Silence

What if the most profound experiences of your life—the ones that fundamentally shaped who you are—were never meant to be kept secret? What if, in the moments when the world needed them most, you were compelled to keep quiet? For too long, this “conspiracy of silence” has pervaded our collective consciousness, discouraging us from openly sharing our transformative spiritual journeys. This silence robs us not only of personal growth but also of the opportunity to ignite healing and change in those around us.

I know this because I’ve lived it. My life has been marked by moments of profound connection to the Divine, culminating in an extraordinary spiritual awakening. This experience lifted me from the darkest depths of addiction and despair and revealed a shocking truth that our world—steeped in patriarchal values and resistant to acknowledging higher levels of consciousness—desperately needs to hear. The institutional structures we often turn to for spiritual guidance—churches, synagogues, mosques—have buried divine energy under layers of dogma, hierarchy, and rigid gender roles. In a moment of absolute clarity, I experienced a universal love that extends to all beings, great and small. This crystallized my understanding of why so many people have rejected organized religion—not because they lack faith, but because these institutions often fail to reflect the expansive, unconditional truth of the Divine.

Reconciling this truth with societal expectations is no easy task. It requires rejecting the narrow norms imposed on us and courageously stepping into a higher awareness. This is the work of personal transformation—and it is not for the fainthearted. After reading the earlier chapters in this book, it would be easy to assume that I had led a fairly well-organized life with sufficient native spiritual and emotional intelligence to find my greatest good without too many problems. Nothing could be further from the truth. Conventional wisdom often suggests that a life imbued with uncommon knowledge follows a predictable path: religious study, gradual enlightenment, and methodical progress toward divine understanding. My journey shattered this assumption entirely.

This chapter is not merely a personal testimony but an invitation to examine how trauma—particularly that which stems from rigid gender roles and religious conditioning—can become the very catalyst for our most profound spiritual evolution. Through sharing this intimate journey, I hope to illuminate pathways toward healing that honor both our individual struggles and our collective need for authentic spiritual connection.

The Roots of Collective Trauma

Before we can understand the healing journey, we must first acknowledge the pervasive sources of trauma that shape our earliest experiences of self and world. Two primary wellsprings of collective wounding have dominated human consciousness for millennia, creating patterns of separation that echo through generations.

The first source emerges from the unconscious acceptance of rigid gender roles that extend far beyond biological distinctions between male and female. These culturally imposed expectations create artificial boundaries that limit the full expression of our humanity. Men are conditioned toward competitive individualism, encouraged to suppress emotional vulnerability, and taught to measure worth through dominance and achievement. This paradigm not only traumatizes masculine energy but also systematically devalues the collaborative, nurturing qualities that represent the essence of feminine wisdom. Women, conversely, face their own constellation of limiting expectations. Religious traditions have often relegated feminine voices to subordinate positions, while broader cultural narratives reduce women to roles defined by their relationships to others—as objects of desire, vessels of procreation, or support systems for male achievement. These imposed limitations deny the profound creative and spiritual power that the feminine principle represents.

The second major source of collective trauma emerges from religious teachings that fundamentally misconstrue human nature and worth. From childhood, many of us absorb messages about our inherent sinfulness, our separation from the divine, and our need for external salvation. These doctrines create deep wounds of unworthiness that can persist throughout our lives, obscuring our recognition of the sacred presence that dwells within our very being.

My own journey into trauma began early, rooted in maternal absence during my most vulnerable months. Unable to breastfeed and consumed by work responsibilities, my mother could offer little of the nurturing presence my infant soul craved. Nights spent crying alone in a car in the garage, away from the household’s peace, created a foundational wound of disconnection that would echo through my formative years. This early deprivation manifested as delayed speech, recurring nightmares, and a persistent sense of not belonging. At school, my attempts to gain attention often resulted in disciplinary trouble, while my natural affinity for the gentler company of girls left me feeling alienated from male peers who seemed more at ease in their prescribed roles.

Religious dogma, which provided structure and meaning to many others, became an object of total scorn. The sacred texts, the rituals, the promises of salvation—all of it felt hollow, disconnected from any authentic experience of the divine. This wasn’t mere rebellion; it was a complete spiritual revulsion that began in grade school and eventually left me adrift in a world devoid of meaning. Adolescence brought little relief. The competitive, often cruel dynamics of teenage social hierarchies amplified my existing wounds, while romantic relationships remained elusive mysteries that deepened my sense of inadequacy. An ill-fated early marriage and its subsequent dissolution in 1984 further compounded feelings of failure and despair.

The Descent into Darkness

What followed was a fifteen-year odyssey through a turbulent landscape of despair, loss of hope, and self-destruction. Drug and alcohol abuse became my primary spiritual practice, offering temporary escapes from the overwhelming emptiness that had consumed my existence. Each substance promised transcendence but delivered only fleeting relief, deepening my entanglement in cycles of craving and disappointment. The casualties accumulated relentlessly. Friendships eroded, family relationships crumbled under the weight of broken promises, and employment opportunities vanished as my reliability dissolved.

By 1986, these accumulated wounds had reached a breaking point. The pain of disconnection from love, from purpose, from any sense of belonging became so overwhelming that I arrived at the logical conclusion of my trajectory. The descent reached its nadir on January 28, 1986. The explosion of the Challenger spacecraft became the exclamation point on my life of failure. I once aspired to be an Air Force pilot, with hopes of becoming an astronaut, but the destruction of the shuttle symbolized the destruction of my own life. This wasn’t an impulsive decision born from temporary despair but a calculated assessment that life, as I was experiencing it, held no value worth preserving.

My suicide attempt failed, but the failure itself became a catalyst. Lying in the aftermath, I experienced not relief, but a strange, conditional acceptance of my existence. Confused by a universe that kept me trapped in a meaningless life, yet amazed by the coincidences that prevented my successful exit, I felt a flicker of faux empowerment. I reloaded my pill bottle—my insurance policy against continued suffering—and issued an ultimatum to existence itself. Unless I could find a truth worth living for, I would complete the work of self-destruction I had been unconsciously pursuing for fifteen years. This wasn’t a plea or a prayer; it was a raw insistence that truth, if it existed, must reveal itself.

The months that followed were characterized by a gradual descent into the deepest levels of Portland’s underworld. Until March 17, 1987, I was sucked into a shadow realm populated by those who, like me, had fallen through the cracks of conventional society. Here, among the addicted, the lost, and the forgotten, I encountered a different kind of wisdom—raw, unfiltered insights that emerge when all pretense has been stripped away. During this period, I befriended an undercover DEA agent who possessed the clarity to diagnose the foundational issues underlying my self-destructive patterns. His assessment was simple and daunting: I needed to achieve sobriety and confront the unresolved father issues driving my behavior.

Getting clean required a complete restructuring of my relationship with consciousness. For fifteen years, I had relied on substances to mediate reality. Sobriety meant facing it directly, without chemical buffers. The withdrawal was not merely physical but existential. Addressing my father issues proved equally challenging, requiring an examination of not just my biological father but the entire concept of paternal authority, divine and human.

Recovery began in earnest with my engagement with Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs. These frameworks provided essential tools for rebuilding my foundation, but it was the integration of genuine spiritual practice that gave my healing depth and meaning. Two months into sobriety, I discovered Jack Boland’s tape series, “12 Steps To A Spiritual Experience.” These recordings contained the most powerful information about recovery and spirituality I had ever encountered. Unlike the religious dogma I had scorned or the New Age platitudes that had left me cold, Boland’s teachings possessed an authenticity that spoke directly to my experience. He presented the twelve steps not as mere psychological tools but as a genuine spiritual path capable of profound transformation, suggesting that the very experiences I had dismissed as purely destructive could serve as doorways to spiritual understanding.

The Vision of Divine Maternal Love

Two months into this new journey, on May 24, 1987, my yearning for healing culminated in an experience that forever altered my understanding of both divine love and my own nature. While driving through the West Hills toward my lifelong friend Randy’s house, I was overwhelmed by a vision of extraordinary power and beauty. The image that came to me was that of the Mona Lisa, serene and timeless, nursing a baby. But this was not merely a visual experience—it was a complete sensory and emotional encounter with what I can only describe as infinite maternal love. For an entire week, I felt enveloped in a profound sense of divine nurturing, as though all the maternal care that had been absent in my earliest months was now being bestowed upon me in transcendent form.

The light of this divine motherly love seemed to permeate every corner of my being, healing wounds I had carried since infancy. I had to stop my car on Canyon Boulevard, fall to my knees, and offer my gratitude to a Creative Force that had finally found me receptive to its presence. This was not a theological concept or a psychological projection but a direct, felt experience of love unlike anything I had ever known. It possessed a quality of unconditional acceptance that made every human love I had experienced seem conditional and limited by comparison. This love didn’t require me to be different, better, or more deserving. It simply was, and I was held within it completely.

When I eventually made it to Randy’s house, he could not believe his eyes. “Bruce, what has happened to you?” he exclaimed. “You look different, you look happy. You look at peace. You have changed!”

Yes, I had changed. As I started talking to Randy about my experience, he began to get tingling sensations up and down his spine. The hairs on his arms stood straight up. “Bruce, what is going on?” he asked. “When you talk, I start to tingle all over. What has happened to you?”

“Well, I think that I am having an experience with God, Randy,” I said.

“Umm, Bruce, such an experience is not for me right now, but I am sure happy that you are having it, because you needed something different in your life really bad, and really quick!”

How right he was. I could not take Randy into my newfound world of love and happiness; I could only share my personal experience of it. Such is the way of much of the world, whose egos do a fine job shielding them from their greatest good. Sometimes, it takes a miracle, a transcendent vision, to shake us free from the ego’s pillory.

Awakening to the Divine Feminine

This profound experience revealed layers of meaning that continue to unfold. The choice of the Mona Lisa as the vessel for this divine communication was not arbitrary. It is said that Leonardo da Vinci painted this masterpiece as a self-portrait in feminine form, honoring the divine feminine aspect within his own consciousness. His message, interpreted through a contemporary lens, represents the recognition that all true creativity emerges from the mysterious, intuitive center where wonder, compassion, and sensitivity to others arise. Consciousness presented this as a healing image to my awareness, a symbol of the divine love and deep goodness I had always yearned for. The image of the divine mother nursing represented my own spiritual rebirth. I was literally being re-mothered by the universe itself.

More significantly, this vision introduced me to the Divine Feminine—not as an abstract concept or theological metaphor, but as a living, healing presence that complements and balances the Divine Masculine. This revelation stood in stark opposition to the patriarchal religious narratives I had encountered, where feminine wisdom is diminished or entirely erased. The suppression of the Divine Feminine represents one of the most profound spiritual tragedies of our time. For centuries, patriarchal systems have systematically devalued the collaborative, nurturing, and intuitive qualities that the feminine principle embodies. This has created a profound imbalance not only in our spiritual understanding but in our approach to relationships, governance, and our connection to the natural world.

The Divine Feminine brings qualities essential for our collective healing: the capacity to nurture growth rather than demand performance, to seek unity rather than perpetuate division, to honor the interconnectedness of all life rather than fragment existence into competing parts. When we suppress these qualities, we create the conditions for the very trauma and disconnection that plague our modern world. My vision revealed that healing our deepest wounds requires not only personal work but also the restoration of this sacred balance. The maternal love I experienced was not simply divine comfort for my individual pain—it was a revelation of the healing presence that humanity desperately needs to rediscover.

The Path to Healing

Spiritual awakening is not a single event but an ongoing process of integration. The vision of May 24, 1987, marked the beginning of my conscious relationship with divine love, but the work of embodying that understanding continues to this day. This integration involves constantly choosing love over fear, connection over separation, and authentic expression over conformity. It means recognizing that our individual healing contributes to the collective healing our world desperately needs.

The journey requires both inner work and practical engagement with transformative practices. Based on my own experience, several key elements emerge as essential for anyone seeking to heal from trauma and connect with their authentic spiritual nature:

Acknowledge and understand your trauma. Healing begins with honest recognition of the wounds we carry, particularly those stemming from gender role conditioning and religious messaging. This acknowledgment is not about blame or victimization but about creating a foundation for transformation.
Explore spirituality as a path to healing. Traditional recovery programs, while essential, can lack the spiritual depth necessary for complete transformation. Investigate practices that connect you with transcendent love—whether through prayer, meditation, time in nature, or other contemplative disciplines.
Embrace the Divine Feminine within yourself. Regardless of your biological gender, you carry both masculine and feminine spiritual qualities. Learning to honor and integrate the feminine aspects—intuition, collaboration, nurturing, and unity consciousness—is essential for balanced spiritual development.
Seek supportive community. Recovery and spiritual growth thrive in environments of authentic sharing and mutual support. Find others committed to genuine spiritual development rather than adherence to rigid doctrine.
Practice radical honesty about your experience. One of the greatest barriers to healing is our tendency to present polished versions of ourselves. True spiritual growth requires the courage to share our real stories, including our struggles and failures.

Perhaps the most crucial aspect of this healing is our willingness to break the “conspiracy of silence.” When I first shared my vision, I encountered a range of responses—from Randy’s physical reaction of awe to a Baptist minister’s attempt to redirect my experience into acceptable theological categories through more indoctrination. These responses taught me that genuine spiritual experience often challenges established frameworks. Yet sharing our authentic spiritual experiences serves not only our own integration but also provides permission for others to acknowledge their own encounters with the sacred. Each time we speak honestly, we create space for others to explore their own deeper truths.

Your story has the power to heal—not just you, but the countless others who need to hear it. Are you still attempting to search for your own personal Jesus? Your time is better spent searching for your true nature, rather than preying on Jesus and the collective ignorance surrounding his life. Then, other spiritually realized people can take their rightful place in your life as your brothers and sisters in Spirit. If you need someone to believe in, a sacred presence that is real and present for you in this moment, then start believing in yourself. Open your heart to the divine potential in yourself, everyone, and everything.

The time for silence is over.

The time for transformation is now.

Will you answer the call?

Chapter 27: Revisiting May 24, 1987: Breaking the Silence: A Journey Through Trauma to Spiritual Rebirth

The human soul carries within it an extraordinary capacity for renewal—a truth I discovered not through theological study or philosophical contemplation, but through the raw crucible of personal devastation and subsequent spiritual awakening. What began as a descent into addiction and despair ultimately became my pathway to understanding the profound healing power that emerges when we courageously confront our deepest wounds and embrace the transformative presence of the Divine Feminine.

This is not merely a personal testimony, but an invitation to examine how trauma—particularly that which stems from rigid gender roles and religious conditioning—can become the very catalyst for our most profound spiritual evolution. Through sharing this intimate journey, I hope to illuminate pathways toward healing that honor both our individual struggles and our collective need for authentic spiritual connection.

The Roots of Collective Trauma

Women, conversely, face their own constellation of limiting expectations. Religious traditions have often relegated feminine voices to subordinate positions, while broader cultural narratives reduce women to roles defined by their relationships to others—as objects of desire, vessels of procreation, or support systems for male achievement. These imposed limitations deny the profound creative and spiritual power that the feminine principle represents.

This early deprivation manifested as delayed speech, recurring nightmares, and a persistent sense of not belonging in the world around me. At school, my attempts to gain attention often resulted in disciplinary trouble, while my natural affinity for the gentler company of girls left me feeling alienated from male peers who seemed more at ease in their prescribed roles.

Adolescence brought little relief from these struggles. The competitive, often cruel dynamics of teenage social hierarchies amplified my existing wounds, while romantic relationships remained elusive mysteries that deepened my sense of inadequacy. An ill-fated early marriage and its subsequent dissolution in 1984 further compounded feelings of failure and despair.

By 1986, these accumulated wounds had reached a breaking point. The pain of disconnection from love, from purpose, from any sense of belonging in the world became so overwhelming that I attempted to end my life. Yet even in that darkest moment, something deeper stirred—a recognition that there might be pathways through suffering that I had not yet discovered.

What followed was a year-long descent into Portland’s criminal underworld, my consciousness numbed by substance abuse as I navigated the shadows of society. Yet this apparent destruction was actually a necessary dissolution, breaking down the false structures of identity that had never truly served my authentic being.

Recovery began in March 1987 with my engagement with Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs. These frameworks provided essential tools for rebuilding my foundation, but it was the integration of genuine spiritual practice that gave my healing both depth and meaning. Through the guidance of teachers like Jack Boland, whose tape series “Twelve Steps to a Spiritual Experience” became a crucial influence, I began to understand that recovery extends far beyond abstaining from substances—it represents a profound transformation of the soul itself.

The image that came to me was that of the Mona Lisa, serene and timeless, nursing a baby. But this was not merely a visual experience—it was a complete sensory and emotional encounter with what I can only describe as infinite maternal love. For an entire week, I felt enveloped in a profound sense of divine nurturing, as though all the maternal care that had been absent in my earliest months was now being bestowed upon me in transcendent form.

Understanding the Vision’s Deeper Meaning

This profound experience revealed layers of meaning that continue to unfold in my understanding. The choice of the Mona Lisa as the vessel for this divine communication was not arbitrary—Leonardo da Vinci himself is said to have painted this masterpiece as a self-portrait in feminine form, honoring the divine feminine aspect within his own consciousness. His message, interpreted through contemporary understanding, represents the recognition that all true creativity emerges from the mysterious, intuitive center where wonder, compassion, and sensitivity to others arise.

The image of the divine mother nursing represented my own spiritual rebirth. I was literally being re-mothered by the universe itself, receiving the unconditional love and nurturing that forms the foundation for all healthy development. This was not the conditional love we exchange in daily relationships, but Love itself—a generous, boundless essence that flows eternally through creation.

The suppression of the Divine Feminine represents one of the most profound spiritual tragedies of our time. For centuries, patriarchal systems have systematically devalued the collaborative, nurturing, and intuitive qualities that the feminine principle embodies. This suppression has created a profound imbalance not only in our spiritual understanding but in our approach to relationships, governance, and our connection to the natural world.

My vision revealed that healing our deepest wounds requires not only personal work but also the restoration of this sacred balance. The maternal love I experienced was not simply divine comfort for my individual pain—it was a revelation of the healing presence that humanity desperately needs to rediscover.

The journey toward spiritual healing and recovery requires both inner work and practical engagement with transformative practices. Based on my own experience and continued exploration, several key elements emerge as essential for anyone seeking to heal from trauma and connect with their authentic spiritual nature.

Acknowledge and understand your trauma. Healing begins with honest recognition of the wounds we carry, particularly those stemming from gender role conditioning and religious messaging about our fundamental worth. This acknowledgment is not about blame or victimization, but about creating the foundation for transformation.

Explore spirituality as a path to healing. Traditional recovery programs, while essential, often lack the spiritual depth necessary for complete transformation. Investigate practices that connect you with transcendent love—whether through prayer, meditation, time in nature, or other contemplative disciplines.

Embrace the Divine Feminine within yourself. Regardless of your biological gender, you carry within you both masculine and feminine spiritual qualities. Learning to honor and integrate the feminine aspects—intuition, collaboration, nurturing, and unity consciousness—is essential for balanced spiritual development.

Seek supportive community. Recovery and spiritual growth thrive in environments of authentic sharing and mutual support. Find others who are committed to genuine spiritual development rather than adherence to rigid doctrinal positions.

Practice radical honesty about your experience. One of the greatest barriers to healing is our tendency to present polished versions of ourselves to the world. True spiritual growth requires the courage to share our real stories, including our struggles and failures.

Breaking the Conspiracy of Silence

Perhaps the most crucial aspect of spiritual healing is our willingness to break what I call the “conspiracy of silence” that surrounds authentic spiritual experience. Too often, fear of judgment or rejection keeps us from sharing the very experiences that could offer healing to others who desperately need to hear them.

When I shared my vision with others, I encountered a range of responses—from Randy’s physical reaction of tingling and raised arm hair as I talked to him about spiritual transformation (though he rejected the process for himself) to the Baptist minister’s attempt to redirect my experience into acceptable theological categories through more indoctrination at his church. These responses taught me that genuine spiritual experience often challenges established frameworks and may not be immediately welcomed by those invested in conventional approaches.

Yet sharing our authentic spiritual experiences—no matter how unconventional—serves not only our own integration but also provides permission for others to acknowledge their own encounters with the sacred. Each time we speak honestly about our spiritual journey, we create space for others to explore their own deeper truths.

Spiritual awakening is not a single event but an ongoing process of integration and deepening understanding. The vision of May 24, 1987, marked the beginning of my conscious relationship with divine love, but the work of embodying that understanding in daily life continues to this day.

This integration involves constantly choosing love over fear, connection over separation, and authentic expression over conformity to expectations that do not serve our highest good. It means recognizing that our individual healing contributes to the collective healing our world desperately needs.

The Divine Feminine presence that revealed itself in my vision continues to guide my understanding of what it means to live from spiritual authenticity. This guidance manifests not as external commands but as an inner knowing that draws me toward choices that honor both my own deepest nature and the interconnected web of life of which we are all part.

The time for spiritual pretense and surface-level healing has passed. Our world faces challenges that require the deepest wisdom traditions have to offer, integrated with courage to transcend the limitations of past religious and cultural conditioning.

If my story resonates with your own longing for authentic spiritual connection, I encourage you to begin or deepen your own exploration. This might involve sharing your experiences in the comments below, joining any awakening community forum to connect with others on similar journeys, or exploring related resources that honor both the masculine and feminine aspects of spiritual development.

Consider seeking support from therapists or spiritual advisors who understand the integration of recovery work with authentic spiritual practice. Begin implementing practices like prayer, meditation, and conscious time in nature that can open you to direct spiritual experience.

Most importantly, have the courage to break your own conspiracy of silence. Your story—no matter how unconventional or challenging—has the power to heal not only your own wounds but also to provide hope and guidance for countless others who need to hear that transformation is possible.

Remember to acknowledge and honor the Divine Feminine in all of us, by integrating spirituality into recovery, and by sharing our experiences freely, we serve not only ourselves but the greater good that our world desperately needs.

The time for silence is over.

The time for transformation is now.

Will you answer the call?

Chapter 27: May 24, 1987, Revisited – Breaking the Silence: The Transformational Power of Spiritual Experience

(potential for duplication later in chapter with another chapter)

What if the most profound experiences of your life—the ones that have fundamentally shaped who you are—were not meant to be kept a secret?

But, what if, in the moments when the world needed them most, you were compelled to keep quiet?

For too long, this “Conspiracy of Silence” has pervaded our collective consciousness, discouraging us from openly sharing our transformative spiritual journeys. This silence robs us not only of personal growth, but also of the opportunity to ignite healing and change in those around us.

I know this because I’ve lived it. My life has been marked by moments of profound connection to the Divine and an extraordinary spiritual awakening. Spiritual experience not only lifted me out of the darkest depths of addiction and despair but also revealed a shocking truth that our world—steeped in patriarchal values and resistant to acknowledging higher levels of consciousness—desperately needs to hear.

The institutional structures we often turn to for spiritual guidance—churches, synagogues, mosques—have buried divine energy under layers of dogma, hierarchy, and rigid gender roles. I have experienced a universal love that extends to all beings, great and small. This moment crystallized my understanding of why so many people have rejected organized religion—not because they lack faith, but because these institutions often fail to reflect the expansive truth of the Divine.

Reconciling this truth with societal expectations is no easy task. It requires rejecting the narrow norms that have been imposed on us and courageously stepping into higher awareness. This is the work of personal transformation—and it is not for the fainthearted.

Before my awakening, addiction had consumed my life. Recovery—guided by the 12-step programs of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics—gave me the tools to rebuild my foundation. But spirituality was the missing link that gave my recovery depth and meaning. And, sometimes, these steps are known to carry those that practice them to new heights of spiritual experience and understanding.

One pivotal moment in my recovery was listening to Jack Boland’s tape series, Twelve Steps to a Spiritual Experience. These recordings helped me move beyond the mechanics of sobriety and into the heart of what it means to live a spiritually rich life. Boland’s teachings introduced me to the idea that recovery is not merely about abstaining from substances; it is about experiencing a profound transformation of the soul.

Through practices like prayer, meditation, and exploring nature, I began to feel truly alive again. I felt unspeakable gratitude for the interconnectedness of all things—a gratitude that continues to sustain me today. This connection to spirit introduced a resilience I never thought possible. It has enabled me to face—and ultimately transcend—the societal stigma and the internal self-doubt that so often accompany both addiction and spiritual seeking.

Today, I share my story not as an act of self-expression alone, but as an act of service, a love letter to humanity in its darkest hours. And, though I also know that many are not interested in this type of material, I will not let that fact discourage me from breaking the conspiracy of silence.

On May 24, 1987, I experienced what I can only describe as a direct encounter with universal love. Driving along Canyon Boulevard toward my friend Randy Olson’s house, I was overcome by a vision of a loving, infinite motherly presence cradling me like an infant. As I drove over the West Hills, that wonderful vision came to me, accompanied by a feeling that I had not had before. The vision of a loving mother, in the image of the Mona Lisa holding a baby, was chosen by my inner spirit to represent this infinite energy, for reasons to be explained later.

For the first time in my life, I felt the true depth of love—a force so overwhelming, so healing, and so inexplicably beautiful that I had to pull my car over to the curb, get out of the car, and fall to my knees. I felt the love of this wonderful UNIVERSE. There is the love we have for each other, for our friends, our pets, our children, our families, but this love that I felt flow into me, and through me, transported me into a heightened awareness, and awe. The beauty was too great to talk about, the feeling so overwhelming, so healing, so resurrecting.

I eventually made it to Randy’s house, and I met with him for the first time since drinking to a blackout fourteen months previous. Randy and I had consumed high levels of alcohol many times together over the years, and the impact of drugs and alcohol had really taken its toll on me. Randy could not believe his eyes when he saw me and loudly exclaimed.

“Bruce, what has happened to you? You look different, you look happy. You look at peace. You have changed!!!”

Yes, I had changed. I started talking to Randy about my experience, and Randy started to get tingling sensations up and down his spine. The hairs on his arms started sticking up straight off of his arms! Randy exclaimed

“Bruce, what is going on. When you talk, I start to tingle all over. What has happened to you?”

“Well, I think that I am having an experience with God, Randy.”, I said.

“Umm, Bruce, such an experience is not for me right now, but I am sure happy that you are having it, because you needed something different in your life really bad, and really quick!”.

How right he was!

I could not take Randy into my new-found world of love and happiness, I could only share, ever so briefly, my personal experience of it. Such is the way of much of the world, who have adapted in their own unique ways to not experiencing cosmic love. Our egos do a fine job shielding us from our greatest good. Sometimes, it takes a miracle, a transcendent vision, to shake us free from the ego’s pillory.

The image of the Mona Lisa holding a baby is a fascinating, enlightening image. I was later taught to understand that this energy is the Divine Feminine, of which our patriarchal world continues to suppress daily, and has successfully done so, more or less, for at least the last 2000 years. The wonderful feelings that accompanied that vision became known to me as divine horripilation.

It was reported some time back that Leonardo DaVinci had painted the Mona Lisa as a self-portrait of himself, in feminine form. His message is subject to interpretation, but in today’s terms, he was honoring his feminine side, or nature. He saw that the source of all creativity came from this mysterious, non-conscious center within himself where feelings of wonder, awe, mystery, and sensitivity to and compassion for others arises from. His mission was to symbolically represent the divine within himself, through the most effective medium of the day, which was painting.

Consciousness presented this as a healing image to my awareness. I saw how this feminine side carried all of the divine love and deep feelings of goodness that I had ever wanted for myself. I was literally re-birthing myself, and this image of the mother holding the baby represented that new birth to perfection.

Mysterious Image of divine Mother’s love?

This was not the conditional love we exchange in our daily relationships. This was Love itself—a generous, boundless essence that coursed through me like an eternal stream. The universe, which had once felt cold and indifferent, now embraced me as its cherished child.

This was my introduction to the Divine Feminine. It was a revelation that stands in stark opposition to the patriarchal narratives I had so often encountered within religious institutions, where the feminine is diminished and, at times, entirely erased.

My spiritual awakening illuminated an essential truth—the Divine Feminine is not an abstract concept or mere metaphor. It is a vital energy that complements the Divine Masculine, bringing balance, nurturing, and creativity to the cosmos. Yet, for centuries, patriarchal systems have sought to suppress it.

One of the greatest challenges we face in both personal and collective transformation is breaking the silence that fear of rejection and shame enforces. Too often, we feel compelled to “look good,” presenting polished exteriors to the world that we think will be readily accepted while hiding our authentic selves. This tendency creates barriers to honest connection and healing.

Recovery, much like spirituality, thrives on vulnerability. Sharing our stories—our real stories, not the airbrushed versions—is an act of courage that not only liberates us but also invites others to reflect on their own journeys.

It takes strength to defy societal norms that encourage silence about spirituality, addiction, or even emotional suffering. However, each time we speak openly, we chip away at the walls of ignorance, misunderstanding, and judgment.

Spiritual transformation is never just about the individual. When we embrace our own healing, we create a ripple effect that benefits our communities and the larger world. Whether it’s guiding someone else to begin their recovery or simply modeling authentic living, the small acts that stem from spiritual integrity have the power to inspire profound change.

By acknowledging and honoring the Divine Feminine in all of us, by integrating spirituality into recovery, and by sharing our experiences freely, we serve not only ourselves but also the greater good.

If there’s one message, I hope you’ll take away, it’s this: Seek authentic self-discovery. Uncover the layers of self-doubt, shame and conditioning that keep you from experiencing who you truly are. Explore the depths of your spirituality, and don’t be afraid to share your story—no matter how raw or unconventional it may be.

Your story has the power to heal—not just you, but the countless others who need to hear it. Together, we can break the “Conspiracy of Silence,” honor the balance of the Divine Feminine and Masculine, and create a world more open to Love itself.

Are you still attempting to search for your own personal Jesus? Your time is better spent searching for your true nature, rather than preying on Jesus and the collective ignorance surrounding his life and teachings. Then, other spiritually realized people can take their rightful place in your life, as your brothers and sisters in Spirit..

If you need someone to believe in, if you need to believe in a sacred presence that is real, and present for you in this moment, then start believing in yourself. Open your heart to the divine potential in yourself, everyone and everything and open yourself to your highest possibilities.

The time for silence is over.

The time for transformation is now.

Will you answer the call?

The Quiet Crisis of Early Childhood Bonding Disruptions

What shapes the foundation of a soul? Beyond genetics and biology, the earliest moments of nurturing and connection leave an indelible mark on the emotional and psychological blueprint of a developing human being. Yet, in modern society’s relentless pursuit of productivity and achievement, we increasingly sideline these foundational experiences, creating a quiet crisis that remains underexamined and poorly addressed.

Mom, Dad, and Pam, circa 1955

Consider the plight of an infant whose cries in the night are answered not by the warmth of an affectionate parent, but by the cocoon of a warm blanket while being “garaged” in a car to accommodate exhausted parents. Imagine the lingering effects on a child whose earliest bonds are fractured by a mother’s limited ability to breastfeed or her absence due to the demands of a career. These scenarios are emblematic of a larger cultural issue that prioritizes economic output over nurturing bonds, and are my real life experience.

What happens to these children when vital aspects of human development are compromised? What future are we sculpting when care is outsourced, touch is minimized, and time is rationed? What happens when a child is traumatized by lack of nurturing and attention in the formative years? And what healing is possible for the adult who still is impacted by those deficiencies in their upbringing?

The first few years of life are a crucible where emotional, psychological, and even physiological characteristics are cast. Neuroscientists and psychologists alike emphasize the critical importance of secure attachment in early childhood. The unique interplay between a caregiver’s love, attuned presence, and responsiveness directly shapes a child’s ability to trust, empathize, manage emotions, and form meaningful relationships throughout life. This isn’t just anecdotal. Research shows that secure attachment and early bonding literally shape the architecture of the brain, particularly regions responsible for stress regulation, empathy, and social functioning.

Breastfeeding, while often discussed in terms of its nutritional benefits, also serves as a profound vehicle for bonding. Oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone,” is released in both mother and child during breastfeeding, cultivating a sense of closeness and attachment. When breastfeeding is absent, either by necessity or choice, this avenue of connection narrows.

When these early experiences are missing or disrupted, the consequences can be far-reaching. Studies link disrupted attachment to a range of long-term challenges, from difficulty in emotional regulation to an elevated risk of depression, anxiety, and insecure attachment patterns in adulthood.

For many modern families, the solution to these challenges lies in non-family caregivers such as babysitters or daycare providers. These caregivers can play an essential role in a child’s development, providing care and nurturing in the absence of parents. However, their ability to fully replicate the unique emotional bond shared between parent and child remains limited.

Although good caregivers can soften the impact of reduced parental involvement, they are unlikely to completely fill the void left by the lack of a consistent, loving parental presence. Psychologists suggest that frequent changes in caregivers or a lack of emotional attunement may exacerbate attachment disruptions, leaving children vulnerable to insecurity and mistrust.

A deeper societal examination reveals the systemic forces at play. The economic structure of modern society often forces parents to prioritize work over early nurturing, despite the profound long-term effects this may have on their children. For mothers, the pressure is magnified. Many women face impossible choices in balancing the demands of a competitive workforce with the emotional and physical labor of parenting.

This isn’t just a personal struggle; it’s a societal dilemma fueled by inadequate parental leave policies, high childcare costs, and cultural narratives that undervalue caregiving roles. When the nurturing years are left unsupported, we witness a ripple effect across generations, where children inherit the voids left by institutional neglect of families.

The scars of disrupted early bonding rarely fade. Adults who experienced insecure attachments as infants may struggle with forming trusting and fulfilling relationships. Research also links such disruptions to increased risks of developing anxiety disorders and depression later in life. These outcomes extend beyond individual suffering to a societal level, contributing to public health challenges, social disconnectedness, and rising mental health concerns.

By failing to create an environment that supports early bonding experiences, we limit the full potential of human flourishing. The cost of “efficient” parenting today may be an epidemic of emotional inefficiency and instability tomorrow.

If we are to address this profound issue, we must begin by recognizing the critical importance of parental presence and early bonding in a child’s life. Here are steps we, as a society, can take to reverse the trend of prioritizing productivity over nurturing:

Advocate for policy changes such as extended parental leave, affordable childcare, and breastfeeding-friendly workplaces.
Promote awareness campaigns that emphasize the importance of early bonding for healthy child development.
Support parents with resources, such as counseling, education programs, and flexible work schedules, to help them balance their careers and family responsibilities.
Redefine societal values, celebrating caregiving as a vital and honorable role while challenging the narrative that productivity solely defines self-worth.

Consider the immense untapped potential of a world where every child’s early emotional and developmental needs are met with care and intention. By reshaping societal priorities and structures, we hold the power to cultivate a generation better equipped to lead, empathize, and connect.

This isn’t just about parenting; it’s about fostering a more compassionate, emotionally resilient society. We must ask ourselves difficult questions about the systems we’ve built and the prices we’re willing to pay for progress.

If we continue to deprive future generations of the foundation they so desperately need, we risk creating a world of individuals perpetually seeking connection in all the wrong places. But if we choose awareness and change, we can build a future marked by secure attachments, stronger communities, and unparalleled human potential.

The time to act is now. Society requires us, as individuals and communities, to reevaluate what we prioritize. Start by reflecting on your role within this dynamic and consider how we can collectively realign our systems to support both family growth and broader societal health.

Together, we can reclaim the nurturing bond that every human being deserves.

The Silent Epidemic of Our Age ~How Societal Shifts and Childhood Trauma Fuel Mental Health Crises

Why do so many individuals in our modern world feel unseen, unheard, and unanchored? What does it say about society when suicide is a leading cause of death in certain populations?

We stand at a crossroads in human history, confronting a silent epidemic that continues to grow in scale and consequence while being too often ignored. Mental health crises have become a defining challenge of our age, one exacerbated by sweeping societal shifts, the erosion of community empathy, and the enduring scars of childhood trauma.

It’s time for an honest, unflinching exploration of how we arrived here and what must change for individual healing and collective transformation to occur.

Modern culture prizes individual success, enterprise, and self-actualization above all else. Throughout much of history, communities operated with a shared sense of responsibility for one another. Empathy, connection, and collective well-being formed the fabric of thriving societies.

Today, that fabric has been frayed by the threads of hyper-individualism. When success becomes synonymous with self-reliance and autonomy, vulnerability is treated as weakness. People suffering from mental health challenges are stigmatized, often left to grapple silently with their struggles.

Social media exacerbates this isolation, presenting curated portraits of success that lead individuals to internalize feelings of inadequacy and failure. The polished exteriors mask the inherent messiness of human imperfection, perpetuating the harmful belief that personal struggles are abnormal. The result? A society where emotional suppression and loneliness thrive, leading to skyrocketing rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide.

Communities thrive when the value of collective support outweighs the obsession with personal achievement. Healing requires us to reconnect with the sense of shared humanity largely lost in today’s culture.

Childhood trauma doesn’t remain confined to the early years of life; it ripples outward, influencing adult relationships, self-worth, and the ability to address stressors effectively. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study highlighted a stark reality: early trauma significantly contributes to long-term mental and physical health challenges, from higher risks of depression and anxiety to chronic illnesses such as heart disease.

Neuroscientific research confirms that childhood trauma alters brain development, particularly in regions governing emotional regulation, empathy, and stress responses. When left unaddressed, these changes create cascading problems that persist across future generations.

Societal change must prioritize early intervention. By investing in trauma-informed approaches in schools, healthcare, and community programs, we can mitigate the lasting effects of adverse experiences and empower individuals to rewrite destructive patterns.

Mental health crises thrive in silence. To dismantle stigma, society must shift its paradigm toward open, empathetic dialogue. Denying or concealing struggles amplifies isolation, while sharing stories humanizes the experience of mental health challenges.

From a personal perspective, one encounter clearly illustrates this truth. Decades ago, I stood on the precipice of despair, burdened by layers of unresolved childhood trauma. A fleeting attempt to seek connection ended in rejection, encapsulating the cold indifference haunting much of modern society. Yet surviving that moment catalyzed a profound realization—that the silence surrounding mental health serves as both a barrier and a battleground. More than anything, breaking away from shame and speaking openly is where societal healing must begin.

Key Actions:

Encourage conversations about mental health in families, workplaces, and public forums.
Share personal narratives of resilience to normalize vulnerability.
Build and fund community spaces where individuals can feel safe letting down their guard.

A path forward exists, but it requires radical shifts in priorities, understanding, and support systems. Here are some actionable ways society can begin to tackle the mental health crisis at its root.

To counteract the loneliness fostered by individualism, institutions and leaders must invest in rebuilding community connections. Policies promoting group engagement, volunteerism, and peer-led mental health programs could serve as hubs for reconnection.

Schools represent critical ground for identifying at-risk children. By training educators to recognize signs of trauma and offering resources for intervention, we can provide support before wounds fester into lifelong scars.

One of the most significant barriers to mental health support is cost and availability. Expanding access to affordable therapy, counseling, and community mental health services, especially in underserved regions, is paramount.

While technology can isolate, it also holds immense potential for connecting individuals with care. AI-powered tools, teletherapy platforms, and crisis intervention apps have already shown promise but must be deployed with ethical oversight.

Business leaders, policymakers, and educators must serve as advocates for mental health awareness. By modeling empathetic leadership and prioritizing wellness initiatives, they can set the tone for inclusive, supportive environments.

At its heart, the silent epidemic reflects more than individual struggles. It signals a societal failure to extend empathy where it’s most needed. Each interaction, whether between neighbors, colleagues, or loved ones, carries an opportunity to choose compassion over indifference.

We need a cultural shift that redefines success—not as a measure of individual achievement but as a collective commitment to seeing and supporting one another. Empathy must return to the forefront of human interactions, permeating policies, workplaces, and everyday experiences.

Begin with small acts of connection in your own life. Reach out to a friend, colleague, or family member who might be struggling. Advocate for the integration of mental health discussions in your workplace. Join or support organizations advancing mental wellness initiatives. Together, these micro-changes can initiate macro shifts.

The march toward a mentally healthier society begins with breaking the silence. It’s a truth steeped in both ancient wisdom and modern neuroscience—healing arises when individuals feel seen, heard, and supported.

We must collectively stand against the tide of isolation and indifference by fostering environments rooted in empathy, resilience, and proactive care. It’s not enough to merely hope for change; we must embody it.

For those ready to take the next step, there are abundant resources and professionals ready to guide you on your path to healing. Together, we can rewrite the narrative, remembering that mental health is not an individual burden but a shared responsibility.

This is a call to action for all of us—to listen, to learn, and, most importantly, to lead with compassion and connection. Because when we choose to see beyond ourselves, we reclaim the humanity that binds us.

Nobody should have to attempt suicide, and go through years of despair and darkness, to finally find the divine light switch to turn their life back on.

Nobody.

More on May 24, 1987: The Journey Through Childhood Wounds to Divine Connection

Rethinking Miracles A Journey Beyond Religious Boundaries

What is a miracle?

For many, images of divine interventions, visions of Jesus Christ, or appearances of the Virgin Mother immediately come to mind. These depictions of the miraculous are deeply rooted in the traditions and beliefs of religious dogmas.

White Jesus Approved Miracles and Visions

But what about those moments of profound spiritual awakening that are not tied to traditional religious figures?

Consider the secular spiritual aspirant who experiences an undeniable revelation or vision—not of a saint, prophet, or deity, but of something perceived as “nonreligious.” Is this less of a miracle because it does not conform to institutionalized doctrines? Far from it. I have discovered that these secular moments of transcendence are just as valid, powerful, and universally meaningful as their traditional counterparts.

Throughout history, miracles have been seen as events that defy the natural order, profoundly pointing to divine intervention. Religion often casts these miraculous moments through the lens of cultural and theological narratives. Christianity, in particular, offers some of the most iconic imagery of miracles, often involving sacred religious figures.

Healing the blind, walking on water, the resurrection of the dead—these are deeply entrenched stories of Jesus Christ performing miracles. Over centuries, appearances or visions of Jesus or Mother Mary have become synonymous with faith and reassurance for millions. These experiences are revered as profound connections to the divine and serve to affirm one’s devotion and belief in God.

Religious imagery also offers a sense of collective validation. If you share your vision of a saint or Christ within the wall of a church, those around you are likely to nod in recognition. The shared belief system acknowledges and perhaps instinctively validates the miracle, reinforcing its spiritual significance.

But what happens when the vision you experience doesn’t involve a sacred figure from religion?

Imagine a person witnessing a moment of profound clarity triggered by the grandeur of a mountain range at sunset, the painting of a revered artist, or the quiet wisdom in the eyes of a stranger. These secular visions may not involve icons of established theology, but they are no less striking in their impact. For the secular spiritual aspirant, the miracle lies not in the figure appearing but in the overwhelming sensation of connection, understanding, or awe.

Take, for instance, a vision of an abstract symbol or an encounter with the archetype of human compassion rather than a deity. Artists, authors, or even anonymous members of society might appear in a vision, speaking profound truths that transform thought and perspective. While such moments don’t fit the confines of religious dogma, they still carry a deeply universal meaning, transcending conformity.

Historically, even in nonreligious settings, humanity’s capacity to experience spiritual connection has been evident. Eastern philosophies, for example, encourage visions of enlightenment through unfamiliar or symbolic forms that might not tie to gods but to the greater truths of life itself. Secular miracles often allow for broader interpretation, offering a bridge for those who seek spirituality outside traditional religion.

To consider miracles only valid when aligned with religious doctrine is to limit the boundless scope of the human spirit. Whether a vision involves Jesus Christ or the image of a lone child offering an act of kindness, the core essence of a miracle remains unchanged. It is an event that forces us to pause, reflect, and realign ourselves with truth beyond the material.

Psychologically, miracles tap into the universality of human emotion and consciousness. What we perceive as miraculous often resonates deeply because it reflects something inherently transcendent within us. For steadfast believers, a vision of a recognized religious figure feels like confirmation of their beliefs. For a secular individual, the vision of an abstract truth or an invisible force of nature can ignite the same level of wonder and reverence as any divine appearance.

Miracles, at their core, are about awakening. They don’t require conformity to be understood. They are manifestations of connection, awe, and profound realization no matter their external form. Rejecting secular visions simply because they are not wrapped in religious familiarity undermines the universal power of such mystical experiences.

It’s time to revisit how we define miracles. Should miracles be measured by their alignment with institutionalized imagery and traditions? Or should they be valued for their ability to break us free from the mundane and propel us toward deeper dimensions of understanding?

Both religious and secular miracles hold the power to guide us, challenge us, and transform us. They remind us of forces greater than ourselves, whether those forces are connected to divine beings or represent the intricate beauty of the human condition. True miracles are not bound by conformity; they exist to lead us toward truth and liberation.

If we allow ourselves to transcend the confines of dogma, there is a world of possibility for spiritual realization. Whether born from faith or open-ended wonder, miracles remind us of the extraordinary within the ordinary, the divine within the secular, and the universal nature of the human experience.

The Journey Through Childhood Wounds to Divine Connection

What does it mean to truly feel whole?

How do we bridge the gap between early pain and a spiritual connection that allows us to flourish?

For so many, the answers to these questions remain shrouded in the depths of early trauma and the absence of nurturing bonds. The foundation of a soul, beyond biology and circumstance, rests in the tender moments of connection and care during our formative years. When these moments are fractured or absent, they leave behind cracks that reverberate through adulthood, shaping our ability to trust, love, and experience the divine.

Yet, hope persists. While childhood wounds create profound blocks to spiritual awakening, they also shape the very paths we must take to uncover a sense of universal love and divine presence. Together, we’ll explore how a fragmented beginning can transform into a spiritual awakening, shedding light on the interplay between trauma, healing, and the ultimate discovery of the Divine Feminine.

The first years of life form the emotional, psychological, and spiritual mold for the rest of our existence. When those early days are filled with neglect, absence, or conditional love, they shape our capacity for connection—not just with others, but with ourselves and the universe.

Imagine an infant left to cry in a parked car so their cries won’t disturb the household. Or a mother too consumed by work and exhaustion to open her arms to nurture her child. These moments of disconnection plant seeds of unworthiness, leaving scars that manifest in adulthood as distance—from others, from oneself, and from the divine.

Such experiences are not anomalies. They are silent epidemics born of society’s prioritization of productivity over relationships, of rigid gender roles that trap mothers and fathers alike in impossible expectations. Amid these societal pressures, children grow into adults carrying unfulfilled yearnings—for love, for trust, for a sense of connection to something greater.

To sense the divine is, at its core, to feel love. But what happens when life teaches you to associate love with pain, neglect, or absence? How does one approach the divine when its supposed reflection in early life has been fractured?

For many, the answer lies buried beneath anxiety, depression, or addiction. These challenges become the body and mind’s attempt to fill emotional voids, to numb unresolved wounds, or to reclaim power in a world where powerlessness was once the norm. Spirituality for such individuals isn’t simply an abstract interest; it becomes a desperate longing. And yet, the path forward is often blocked by layers of false beliefs about unworthiness and shame.

My own journey reflects this difficult road. Born into a household where exhaustion outweighed affection and loneliness was a constant companion, I carried invisible wounds well into adulthood. Early neglect led to challenges in relationships, addictions to emotional numbing, and an internalized narrative of insufficiency. For years, I grappled with the darkness that these wounds created.

And yet, darkness has a way of revealing light.

In 1987, after a year of sobriety and soul-searching, I had what I can only describe as a divine revelation. I experienced the vision of the Mona Lisa nursing a child, an image steeped in mystery, love, and healing. This was no ordinary vision. It was an overwhelming sensation of infinite maternal love, flooding every corner of my being. For the first time in my life, I felt deeply held, seen, and cherished—not just by an abstract presence, but by the profound feminine energy that lay within me all along.

This vision was far more than a fleeting image. It marked a rebirth. It urged me to reconnect with the parts of my soul fractured by early neglect. It reminded me that divinity and love were not “out there,” but already woven into the fabric of my being.

This healing energy revealed itself in the form of the Divine Feminine, a concept buried for centuries under patriarchal systems that diminish its power. The Divine Feminine represents nurturing, compassion, balance, and creativity. It complements the Divine Masculine rather than opposing it, bringing harmony to our understanding of the universe and ourselves.

But the cultural suppression of this sacred energy has left us fractured as a collective. By elevating only masculine ideals of control, hierarchy, and external achievement, we’ve lost sight of the inherent balance that allows humanity to flourish. Emotional depth, collaboration, care, and connection have become undervalued. And in the process, so many of us have lost access to these energies within ourselves.

Awakening to the Divine Feminine requires breaking through the cultural narratives that have conditioned us. It calls on us to redefine what it means to succeed, to love, to be human. And for those who have been wounded early in life, it becomes the key to rediscovering what unconditional love truly feels like—not just from external sources, but from within.

One challenge we face in the modern era is our silence around topics like childhood trauma, addiction, and spiritual experiences. Our culture prizes polished exteriors and self-reliance, leaving little room for the vulnerability necessary for healing. This “Conspiracy of Silence” only deepens the divide between our authentic selves and the love we so desperately seek.

However, recovery thrives on connection. Sharing our stories of pain, healing, and spiritual awakening is not just an individual act of courage but a collective act of transformation. Vulnerability, though terrifying, allows walls to come down, giving others permission to rebuild their own inner worlds.

When I shared my vision of the Mona Lisa with a close friend during my recovery, I saw the ripple of its impact firsthand. Even though he couldn’t fully enter my experience, my vulnerability in sharing invited him into a space of possibility, wonder, and reflection. This is the power of spiritual truths released from the prison of silence.

Childhood wounds may attempt to convince us of our separation from the universal love that binds all things. However, each of us carries within us the potential for profound healing and divine connection. The scars of the past do not define our futures. Instead, they guide us toward the parts of ourselves that long for integration.

The Divine Feminine energy that awakened me is not exclusive to mystics, prophets, or those labeled “spiritually inclined.” It is universal, accessible, and woven into the fabric of existence. Its essence is limitless love, the antidote to the isolation, fear, and pain that block us from experiencing our divine nature.

To those searching for that connection—for wholeness, for grace, for the “presence of God”—the time for silence is over. It is time to honor the balance of the feminine and masculine within ourselves, to share our stories bravely, and to seek the truth that love is not earned but simply and always present.

Reflect on Childhood Wounds: Consider the areas of your life that carry unresolved pain. Rewrite your personal narrative, allowing space for forgiveness and growth.
Connect With the Divine Feminine: Explore the nurturing, creative, and compassionate aspects of your being. Allow these energies to complement the drive for control and achievement.
Share Your Truth: Break the silence and connect with others through your story. Healing is often found in the shared experience of vulnerability.
Advocate for Balance: Challenge cultural norms that prioritize productivity over connection. Reclaim the inherent value of nurturing and caregiving in yourself and others.

The time for healing is now. The barriers to love, trust, and the divine are illusions waiting to be broken.

Will you answer the call?

Together, we can create a world where every wound becomes a passage to boundless grace, universal love, and spiritual awakening.

Chapter 27: Breaking the Silence – From Darkness to Divine Maternal Love (definite duplication with two 27’s above)

(56, 58 merged)

A Journey Through Trauma, Addiction, and Spiritual Rebirth

After reading earlier chapters in this book, it would be easy to assume that I had led a fairly well-organized life and had sufficient native spiritual and emotional intelligence to find my greatest good without too many problems. Nothing could be further from the truth! Conventional wisdom often suggests that a life imbued with uncommon knowledge follows a predictable path: religious study, gradual enlightenment, and methodical progress toward divine understanding. My journey shattered this assumption entirely.

The Roots of Collective Trauma

Religious dogma, which provided structure and meaning to many others, became objects of total scorn by me. The sacred texts, the rituals, the promises of salvation—all of it felt hollow, disconnected from any authentic experience of the divine. This wasn’t mere rebellion; it was a complete spiritual revulsion at organized religion that began in grade school and eventually left me adrift in a world devoid of meaning.

The Descent into Darkness

What followed was a fifteen-year odyssey through the often-turbulent landscape of despair, loss of hope, and self-destruction. Drug and alcohol abuse became my primary spiritual practice, offering temporary escapes from the overwhelming emptiness that had consumed my existence. Each substance promised transcendence but delivered only temporary relief from the burden of self, and only deeper entanglement in cycles of craving and disappointment.

The casualties accumulated relentlessly. Friends eventually failed to provide comfort and companionship through the slow erosion of trust and connection that addiction inevitably brings. Family relationships, once sources of support and identity, crumbled under the weight of broken promises and repeated failures. Employment opportunities vanished as my reliability dissolved along with my sense of responsibility to anything beyond the next high, the next forgetfulness of the misery of the moment.

The Ultimate Darkness: January 28, 1986

The descent reached its nadir in a moment of absolute clarity about the futility of my existence. The explosion of the Challenger spacecraft on January 28, 1986, became the exclamation point on my life of failure. I once aspired to be an Air Force pilot, with hopes of becoming an astronaut. But my relationship with a mentally ill wife and my own insouciance in the face of overwhelming odds against my success goaded me into taking extreme measures.

The Challenger explosion became a symbol of my life’s destruction, and there could be no resurrection from this. This wasn’t an impulsive decision born from temporary despair, but a calculated assessment that life, as I was experiencing it, held no value worth preserving.

The attempt failed, but the failure itself became a catalyst for transformation. Lying in the aftermath of my unsuccessful bid for self-annihilation, I experienced something unexpected: not relief, but conditional acceptance. I was confused at a universe that kept me trapped in an existence that felt meaningless, while amazed at some coincidences that prevented the successful ending of my own life.

In that moment of faux empowerment, I made a demand that would alter the entire trajectory of my journey. I reloaded my pill bottle—my insurance policy against continued suffering—and issued an ultimatum to existence itself. Unless I could find a truth worth living for, I would complete the work of self-destruction that I had been unconsciously pursuing for fifteen years.

This wasn’t a plea or a prayer in any conventional sense. It was an ultimatum to myself, a demand that I would stay alive only if I could unearth authentic meaning. I had moved beyond hope into something more primal: a raw insistence that truth, if it existed, must either reveal itself or I would face the consequence of my permanent departure from this most troubling game of existence.

The months that followed my ultimatum were characterized by gradual movement into the deepest levels of Portland’s underworld. Over the next year, until March 17, 1987, I was sucked into Portland, Oregon’s shadow realm—a community populated by those who, like me, had fallen through the cracks of conventional society.

Here, among the addicted, the lost, and the forgotten, I encountered a different kind of wisdom. It wasn’t the polished philosophy of academia or the comforting platitudes of mainstream spirituality, but the raw, unfiltered insights that emerge when all pretense, and often all hope, has been stripped away.

During this period, I encountered a competent confidant, an undercover DEA agent who happened to befriend me and who possessed the clarity to diagnose the foundational issues underlying my self-destructive patterns. His assessment was both simple and daunting: I needed to achieve sobriety and confront the unresolved father issues that had been driving much of my destructive behavior.

Getting clean required a complete restructuring of my relationship with consciousness itself. For fifteen years, I had relied on substances to mediate my experience of reality. Sobriety meant facing that reality directly, without chemical buffers or altered states to soften its edges. The withdrawal was not merely physical, but existential—a confrontation with the unadorned experience of being human without pharmaceutical assistance.

Addressing my father issues proved equally challenging. These weren’t simply matters of personal psychology, but fundamental questions about authority, masculinity, and my place in the larger patterns of existence. The work required examining not just my relationship with my biological father, but with the entire concept of paternal authority, divine and human.

Two months into sobriety, I discovered Jack Boland’s tape series “12 Steps To A Spiritual Experience.” These three hours of recordings contained the most powerful information about recovery and spirituality that I had ever encountered. Unlike the religious dogma I had scorned or the new-age platitudes that had left me cold, Boland’s teachings possessed an authenticity that spoke directly to my experience of spiritual bankruptcy and renewal.

Boland’s approach wasn’t about conforming to external religious structures, but about discovering the spiritual dimensions inherent in the recovery process itself. He presented the twelve steps not as mere psychological tools, but as a genuine spiritual path capable of producing profound transformation. His teachings suggested that the very experiences I had dismissed as purely destructive—addiction, loss, despair—could serve as doorways to spiritual understanding when approached with the right perspective.

The Vision of Divine Maternal Love: May 24, 1987

This wasn’t a theological concept or a psychological projection, but a direct, felt experience of love unlike anything I had ever encountered. It possessed a quality of unconditional acceptance that made every human love I had experienced seem conditional and limited by comparison. This love didn’t require me to be different, better, or more deserving. It simply was, and I was held within it completely.

Understanding the Vision’s Deeper Meaning

The Suppression of the Divine Feminine

Chapter 27: Breaking the Silence – From Darkness to Divine Maternal Love (definite duplication with two 27’s above)

(56, 58 merged)

A Journey Through Trauma, Addiction, and Spiritual Rebirth

The Roots of Collective Trauma

The Descent into Darkness

The Ultimate Darkness: January 28, 1986

The Vision of Divine Maternal Love: May 24, 1987

Understanding the Vision’s Deeper Meaning

The Suppression of the Divine Feminine

Published by Bruce Paullin on April 21, 2026April 21, 2026

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Bruce Paullin

Chapter 22: The New Architecture of Control: How Power Targets Women’s Autonomy (version 1)

Chapter 22: Breaking the Altar of Control: Liberating Women (version 2)

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May 24, 1987 For Book

Published by Bruce Paullin on April 21, 2026April 21, 2026

More on May 24, 1987: The Journey Through Childhood Wounds to Divine Connection

Chapter 27: Breaking the Silence – From Darkness to Divine Maternal Love (definite duplication with two 27’s above)

Chapter 27: Breaking the Silence – From Darkness to Divine Maternal Love (definite duplication with two 27’s above)

Bruce Paullin

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Chapter 22: The New Architecture of Control: How Power Targets Women’s Autonomy (version 1)

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Introduction and Conclusion, Part One July 6, 2018