NOPE!

The Dissolution of the Self: A Journey into the Sacred Silence

Chapter 1: The Erosion of the Jagged Self

The truth operates much like rainwater pouring over the jagged rocks embedded within the mountains of human ignorance. For generations, through countless iterations of the individual self, we resist this flow. Eventually, however, the water wears down the rough edges, carving gentler pathways for future rains to travel back to their source.

The impatient traveler, driven by the ego’s frantic need for becoming, thrusts his life and body upon these jagged edges. He causes himself the greatest harm—even spiritual death—before the essence of truth can heal and transform him. The humbled wanderer, conversely, bears witness to this ever-evolving process of revelation. He allows the water to gently erode his own rough edges, permitting the flow to return to its source within his own being.

In the great summer of 1987, I found myself standing at this precipice. I was a novice to the path of healing and transformation, yet I had severed ties with my old life. I had eschewed committed relationships and societal distractions to develop a deeper spiritual reality, cultivating a disciplined meditation practice that consumed hours of my day. I remained intoxicated by the possibilities of existence, having finally made conscious contact with the God of my understanding. A dramatic, miraculous healing of both body and mind had recently permeated my being with a new energy. I felt I was swimming in a vast, uncharted sea of discovery, though I had not yet connected the dots or begun the conscious reconstruction of a new self.

I could never have anticipated that on July 21, 1987, the bell would toll for the death of who I thought I was.

Chapter 2: The High-Voltage Jolt of Awakening

The evening began like many others. I sat in meditation, repeating a mantra I had developed to sharpen my focus:

“Master Teacher of the Light, Master Teacher of the Light.”

I repeated this within the silence of myself, a rhythmic invocation. Though my life was bearing fruit from previous spiritual connections, I remained driven by an insatiable hunger to find deeper layers of meaning—to experience my true nature beyond the veil of intellect.

Without warning, the tether snapped.

I was lifted violently yet seamlessly from my body awareness. A metaphor arose instantly in my consciousness: I was driving an automobile, gripping the steering wheel of my mind, my conditioning, my history. I realized, with a clarity that bypassed thought, that I faced a binary choice. I could continue steering, heading in the predictable direction of my life, or I could release the controls entirely and surrender to the unknown.

Somehow, through a mechanism that remains a mystery to my intellect, I let go.

There was an exhilarating inner rush, a sensation of total release from the psychological set of “me”—my burdens, my history, my very biology. My essence traveled into a great unknown, a space that was neither light nor dark but existed as an infinite matrix. I had entered a dimension where interconnected structures of alive, intelligent energy were manifest. At the time, I lacked the vocabulary to describe it, but I later understood this matrix to be the collective consciousness of mankind—holding all its brilliance and all its profound stupidity.

I flashed past this mysterious web and began a half-spiral downward, descending into a place of complete darkness—or, more accurately, emptiness. This was not a void of negation, but a void of potentiality. I felt totally at home here, held in the womb of some great, loving presence. There was nothing to witness, yet everything to be.

Chapter 3: The Mathematics of the Soul

In that silence, a voice began to speak. It was not a voice from the outside, but a laughing, joyous resonance speaking through me.

“No teacher shall effect your salvation,” it declared. “You must work it out for yourself.”

Then, a command: “Think no thoughts.”

Followed by an invitation: “Follow new paths of consciousness.”

And then, the Master Teacher offered a key to the prison of the mind—a mathematical formula for re-entry into the Divine. Because of my background in mathematics, the revelation came in the form of a differential equation:

Lim dT/dt as dt → 0

In this spiritual calculus, T represented Thought as a function of time, and t represented Time itself. The equation stated that as the movement of time-based thought approaches zero, the limit is reached. The solution to this equation is the Great Unknown—Infinity.

This was the bridge between human becoming and spiritual being. The ego is the sum total of time-based thoughts—judgments, memories, rehearsals of the past, and projections of the future. To eliminate the movement of thought is to stop psychological time. When dt goes to zero, the illusion of the separate self collapses, and direct perception of Reality becomes possible.

Chapter 4: The Unreality of the Ego

The final messages were the most difficult to reconcile, troubling me for years to come. The joyous voice laughed through the silence and delivered the ultimate coup de grâce to my identity:

“YOU CAN’T BE REAL.”

When stated in that realm of absolute truth, it was a liberation. But when I re-entered my normal state of being, it became a threatening decree. The ego—that sum total of my conditioning, my acculturation, my separation from Love—recoiled.

We only see what we have created. I only see “I,” and “I” is the creation of being conscious in a linear timeline. Through this ancient process, I also create the concept of “you.” But the “you” I perceive is merely a mental image, an incomplete creation existing only in my mind. It is not the living, breathing, infinite complexity of the other person.

If “I” am not real, and “you” are not real, then what remains?

In that state of heightened awareness, I saw the energy field that constituted my body-mind. Embedded within it were two almost complete thought forms—identity vortices that I recognized as distinct entities. These were “extras” attached to my field, tricksters that I had created in my youth in response to the names “Mom” and “Dad.” They were formed from my trauma, my abandonment, and my unhealthy attachments. They were not my parents, but my reactions to them, solidified into psychic parasites.

I realized then the basis for the human condition. We are all haunted by these constructs, these “black holes” in consciousness swirling around our lack of self-worth. To follow new paths of consciousness, I had to accept that the “I” who carried these burdens was a fiction.

Chapter 5: The Guru of the Crystal Shop

In the wake of this transformation, I sought to integrate this new energy into the world of form. I traveled through the city, no longer visiting the underworld of drug dealers and thieves, but seeking “my people.” This search led me to a new-age crystal shop on Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway, run by a man named Jack.

Jack was an economic and spiritual realist. While he sold crystals to the naive who believed stones held power (rather than the enlightened mind itself), he possessed a deep, grounding wisdom. I shared with him my desire to bring healing to the world, to share the precious truth I had found.

Jack listened, paused, and with a beatific smile, delivered a sermon of three words:

“FUCK THE WORLD!”

I was stunned. But he continued. “The world could not care less about your healing. The collective consciousness is established to make the common man feel less than who they are. Religion, philosophy, society—it is all designed to keep people in darkness, believing salvation comes from outside. The world has created its own dysfunction and revels in its cesspool. There is NOTHING a sane man can do about it, other than just laugh at it.”

Two weeks prior, the Voice of God had told me, “You can’t be real.” Now, Jack was telling me the world wasn’t worth saving because it was an illusion of its own making. The Master Teacher and the crystal salesman were in perfect alignment.

Chapter 6: Echoes of the World Teacher

It was not until the following year, in 1988, that I discovered the works of Jiddu Krishnamurti. In his book The Only Revolution, I found the external verification of my internal apocalypse. Krishnamurti spoke of the ending of time, the cessation of thought, and the dissolution of the center.

He famously stated, “The observer IS the observed.”

He taught that the “you” created by the mind is unreal. He rejected the guru, the system, and the authority. “No teacher can bring salvation,” my inner voice had said. Krishnamurti spent his life dismantling the pedestal people tried to place him on.

I realized then that the Truth is not the property of any man. It is an eternal current, available to any who are willing to drive the car of their mind off the cliff of the known. Whether through telepathy, the morphogenetic field, or the universal nature of consciousness, the same teaching that informed Krishnamurti had informed me.

Chapter 7: Welcome to the Illusion

We are all containers for Infinite Spirit, albeit broken ones.

The human “Conspiracy of Silence” points to the fact that mankind covers itself with illusory verbal constructs, worships the illusion as fact, and defends these creations to the death. The Truth remains buried.

I have saved the world from myself. There is nothing more to do but witness the suffering of others and point a finger toward a new direction for those who choose to awaken.

To the seeker reading this: Welcome to the Illusion. Please, enjoy yourself while you are here. Discard your knowns and conclusions into the universal dumpster. Live from the state of “unknowing,” where insight is spawned.

Change the channel of your consciousness. Stop confusing your mind with worn-out rhyme and reason. Stop resuscitating dead illusions. Wake up to Love’s voice, you sweet somnambulator.

The truth I live is the only truth I can give. The rest is up to you.

Save yourself.

Attempt 4:

Chapter 1: The Surrender of Control

The year was 1987, and I was still quite new to the path of healing and transformation. I had left my old life behind, and I was open to the experience of spiritual connection and mastery. I had developed quite a meditation practice, eschewing committed relationships with others in order to develop a deeper spiritual practice. I remained excited about the possibilities for my life, as I had finally made “conscious contact with the God of my understanding.”

I had recently experienced dramatic, if not miraculous, healing of my body and my mind, and a new energy permeated my being. I felt like I was finally “swimming in the sea of meaning”, though I still had not “connected the dots”, or started consciously rebuilding the new self. But, I could have never anticipated the experience I was about to have, on this particular day, July 21, 1987.

“Master Teacher of the Light, Master Teacher of the Light,” I repeated within myself several times during an evening meditation. This was a mantra I had developed to aid my focus. I was meditating several hours a day, and though my life was bearing fruit from previous connections with the Spirit, I remained driven to find deeper and deeper layers of meaning and experience of my true nature and being.

Well, this meditation was to become Truth’s “bell ringer” for me. Without warning, I was lifted from my body awareness, and I then had a sense that I now had a decision to make. It was like I was driving an automobile. I realized that I could continue steering, heading in my usual direction for life—the direction of safety, predictability, and egoic control—or I could “let go of the controls” and experience something totally different and unique.

This was the First Insight: The absolute necessity of surrender. We clutch the wheel of our lives with white-knuckled fear, believing we are navigating, when in reality, we are merely driving in circles within a limited enclosure. To truly transcend, one must release the steering wheel of the mind and conditioning.

I chose to release. There was an exhilarating inner “rush” whereby I was totally released from myself, my burdens, and my body! This was not a passive giving up, but an active, courageous leap into the void.

Chapter 2: The Matrix of Human Knowledge

My essence traveled into a great unknown, neither “light nor dark.” It was like I passed through some sort of great matrix of information and being. This was the Second Insight: The realization of the Matrix.

We exist within a web of constructs—a rigid architecture of human understanding, societal norms, and collective agreements on what constitutes “reality.” This matrix is built of information, but it is not Wisdom. It is the accumulated noise of history, the lattice of duality.

As I moved through it, I saw it for what it was: a filter. It is the lens through which we usually see the world, obscured by labels and definitions. But on this journey, I was passing through it, not stopping within it. I was moving toward the source, beyond the structured data of the human experience, until I came to a place of complete “darkness,” or emptiness. I felt totally at home here.

Chapter 3: The Sacred Silence

In this place of emptiness, almost immediately, a “laughing, happy voice” seemed to be speaking to me, or, more precisely, through me. It was not a voice of judgment, but of pure, unadulterated Joy.

Here, the Third Insight emerged: The Sacred Silence beneath the noise. The voice said, “Think no thoughts.”

This simple command is the hardest task for the human mind. Our reality is constructed by thought; we narrate our existence incessantly. To “think no thoughts” is to collapse the wave function of the egoic world. It is to stand in the nakedness of being without the clothing of concepts. In that silence, the matrix dissolves, and only Truth remains.

Chapter 4: The Illusion of Separation

Then, the final messages began to flow, the ones most difficult to reconcile within my life. First, there is this component: “YOU CAN’T BE REAL.”

When it was stated, it was stated through me, with a joyful, laughing voice. Yet, when I re-entered my normal way of being, it became an almost threatening statement, one that continued to challenge myself and my ego daily for quite some time.

This is the Fourth Insight: The Illusory Nature of Self and Other. The ego is the sum total of all my judgments, the sum total of my human experience, my acculturation, my conditioning, my “separation from God, Love, my fellow-man, and Truth.” The ego looks out from itself and sees everything and everyone as if they are separate from itself, while totally failing to see that “all that it ever sees, unto eternity, is itself.”

There really does not exist the “you” that I have formed. My perception of “you” is an incomplete mental creation that only exists in my mind—and which may or may not be shared by others, and most certainly is NOT shared by you. The human race tends to confuse the verbal description (or mental image) of the person with the actual experience of the person. To die to this mode of living is to truly be reborn of the spirit.

Chapter 5: The Solitary Path of Salvation

As I/we spoke in that darkness, the voice said: “No teacher shall effect your salvation, you must work it out for yourself.”

This is the Fifth Insight. We look for gurus, saviors, and systems to do the heavy lifting for us. We want a map, a guide, a guarantee. But Truth revealed that the work is intimately personal. Teachers can point the finger at the moon, but they cannot be the moon for you. You must digest your own experience; you must metabolize your own karma. The path is walked alone, even if we walk it together.

Chapter 6: The Shadows We Carry

A most confusing revelation came as well. I could see the field of energy that constituted my “body/mind awareness”. I saw embedded in it two almost complete thought forms, or identity forms, which I recognized as two distinct “entities”.

Yes, I had two ‘extras’ attached to my field, and they were not there for my greater good, for sure. I came to regard these two unwelcome components to my life force as “tricksters”, though I noted that their presence seemed to allay the feelings of loneliness of my ego, perhaps only because they seemed vaguely familiar to me.

This is the Sixth Insight: We carry Unconscious Traumatic Vestiges. These “tricksters” are not demons in the traditional sense, but psychic calcifications. They are the unexamined wounds—intergenerational trauma passed down through bloodlines, cultural conditioning that limits our expansion, and reincarnational echoes of unfinished business.

I sensed that I was supposed to let go of these “illusions of self”, but I did not know what to do. The two extra identity vortices in the ‘human energy field matrix’ that constituted my conscious sense of self did not really ever disappear; they just became unconscious again for me. Little did I know that they were to become the most critical components to understand in my desire to heal from trauma.

Trickster number one is the fear that if I speak out against religious teachings and subsequent traumas, I will be rejected. Trickster number two is death itself—the trauma that comes to oneself with the realization that the mission in life was not accomplished.

Chapter 7: The Calculus of Consciousness

Finally, a mathematical formula for re-entry back into the great unknown was given to me. It was the Seventh Insight: The Equation of Cosmic Consciousness.

It was a differential equation that I could understand, and which stated (in layman’s terms) that with the total elimination of the movement of time-based thought, the direct perception of reality was possible.

The formula appeared as: The limit, as delta T goes to zero (where T is thought as a function of time), divided by delta t (where t is time itself). Or: lim dT/dt, as dt approaches zero.

The solution of this equation is the great unknown (and, in fact, equals INFINITY), or that which I sought. Thought operates in time; it requires a past to reference and a future to project. When the interval of time (dt) collapses to zero, thought (T) ceases to function as a barrier. We step out of the linear progression of history and into the vertical depth of the Now. In that zero-point, we touch the Infinite.

Nope again!

The 1987 Revelation: Seven Insights into the Nature of Being

The year was 1987, and I was still quite new to the path of healing and transformation. I had left my old life behind, open to the experience of spiritual connection and mastery. I had developed a rigorous meditation practice, eschewing committed relationships with others in order to cultivate a deeper spiritual connection. I remained excited about the possibilities for my life, having finally made “conscious contact with the God of my understanding.”

I had recently experienced dramatic, if not miraculous, healing of my body and my mind, and a new energy permeated my being. I felt like I was finally “swimming in the sea of meaning”, though I still had not “connected the dots” or started consciously rebuilding the new self. But, I could have never anticipated the experience I was about to have on this particular day: July 21, 1987.

“Master Teacher of the Light, Master Teacher of the Light,” I repeated within myself several times during an evening meditation—a mantra I had developed to aid my focus. I was meditating several hours a day, and though my life was bearing fruit from previous connections with Spirit, I remained driven to find deeper layers of meaning and an experience of my true nature.

This meditation was to become Truth’s “bell ringer” for me. Without warning, I was lifted from my body awareness. It was here that the first great insight emerged.

Insight #1: Letting Go of the Controls

I had a sense that I now had a decision to make. It was as if I were driving an automobile, and I realized that I could continue steering, heading in my usual direction for life, or I could “let go of the controls” and experience something totally different and unique.

In our daily lives, we move through the world defined by names, roles, and stories. The ego craves the driver’s seat, gripping the wheel with white-knuckled intensity, believing that control equates to safety. But is it possible that this identity we hold so dear is merely a veil obscuring a more fundamental state of being? To truly touch the infinite, one must engage in an act of radical surrender.

I chose to take my hands off the wheel. I released the “steering wheel” of my mind and my conditioning. There was an exhilarating inner “rush” whereby I was totally released from myself, my burdens, and my body! This was not a loss of self, but an expansion—a terrifying and beautiful leap into the unknown where the observer changes the behavior of reality simply by ceasing to manipulate it.

Insight #2: The Matrix of Knowledge

My essence traveled into a great unknown, neither “light nor dark.” It was as if I passed through some sort of great matrix of information and being.

Before our life’s narratives take shape, there exists a silent, foundational state of being. But overlaying this is the Matrix of Knowledge—the accumulated construct of human understanding, culture, language, and belief. This matrix, like the Akashic Records or a cosmic Large Language Model, holds the sum of human thought, yet it acts as a barrier. It is the “maya,” the illusion that complexity equals truth.

I flashed past this matrix, moving deeper, beginning a spiral downward until I pierced through the veil of accumulated data. I realized that the noise of “knowing” often deafens us to the whisper of “being.” To find the source, one must pass through the library of the world without stopping to read the books.

Insight #3: Sacred Silence Underneath the Matrix

I came to a place of complete “darkness,” or emptiness. I felt totally at home here. This was the potentiality of the womb. I felt held by a great, loving presence.

This fundamental state is not a void of nothingness; it is a void of no-thing-ness. It is permeated by a natural, inherent awareness that does not judge or label; it simply witnesses. This is the sacred silence underneath the human matrix of misinformation. In this deep quietude, stripped of the ego’s constant chatter, one finds the true home of the soul. It is the silence that precedes creation, the canvas upon which the universe is painted.

Insight #4: No Teacher May Effect Our Salvation

Almost immediately, a “laughing, happy voice” seemed to be speaking to me, or, more precisely, through me. As I/we spoke, it said: “No teacher shall effect your salvation, you must work it out for yourself.”

The human mind craves authority. We look to gurus, messiahs, and leaders to carry our burdens and promise us liberation. But this voice—joyful and uncompromising—shattered that dependency. Salvation is not a transaction; it is a transformation. It is an internal alchemy that cannot be outsourced. While guides can point the way, the walking must be done by the seeker. We must liberate ourselves from the shackles of external validation and authority to find the truth that resides within.

Insight #5: Think No Thoughts to Reach Truth

Then, “we” said, “Think no thoughts. Follow new paths of consciousness.”

Language is a cage. Concepts are shadows. To touch the face of God, one must transcend the tool of the intellect. Insight is more than a fleeting idea; it is a moment of pure awareness that pierces the veils of language and conceptual thought.

This leads to the mathematical revelation that was given to me—a formula for re-entry back into the great unknown. It was a differential equation: lim ΔT/Δt as Δt → 0.

In this equation, T is thought as a function of time, and t is time itself. The equation states that with the total elimination of the movement of time-based thought (as the change in time approaches zero), the direct perception of reality becomes possible. The solution to this equation is the great unknown—it equals INFINITY. At this singularity point, the noisy machinery of the mind quiets, allowing a deeper, infinite truth to emerge.

Insight #6: The Illusory Nature of Self and Other

The final messages were the most difficult to reconcile. First, there was this component: “YOU CAN’T BE REAL.”

When it was stated, it was spoken with a joyful, laughing voice. Yet, when I re-entered my normal way of being, it became an almost threatening statement that challenged my ego daily. The ego looks out from itself and sees everything and everyone as separate, failing to see that “all that it ever sees, unto eternity, is itself.”

There really does not exist the “you” that I have formed. My perception of “you” is an incomplete mental creation that exists only in my mind. Once again, the human race tends to confuse the verbal description of the person with the actual experience of the person. To see as Truth sees, we must realize that the separate self is an illusion. To transcend the identity layer is not to deny the self, but to see it as a useful yet limited tool. By dis-identifying from the stream of thoughts and emotions, we realize our true nature is unbound and interconnected with all existence.

Insight #7: Unexamined Traumatic Vestiges

Lastly, a most confusing revelation came. I could see the field of energy that constituted my “body/mind awareness.” I saw embedded in it two almost complete thought forms, or identity forms, which I recognized as distinct “entities.”

I came to regard these two unwelcome components as “tricksters.” I sensed that I was supposed to let go of these “illusions of self,” but I did not know how. These were the psychic imprints of cultural, personal, and reincarnation history—my internalized, trauma-born versions of them.

Trickster number one is the fear that if I speak out against religious teachings and traumas, I will be rejected. Trickster number two is death itself—the trauma of the realization that the mission in life was not accomplished. These unconscious patterns, these unexamined vestiges of wounding, shape our reality from the shadows. To truly heal, we must shine the light of consciousness on these “passengers,” integrating the fractured parts of ourselves into a whole.

Many more profound experiences have followed that summer of 1987. But it was there, in the silence and the void, that the foundation was laid—a roadmap out of the matrix and into the infinite.