It was June 22, 1987, and I was hiking up to Larch Mountain, a beautiful peak that overlooks the Columbia River valley. From its elevated vantage point it oversees all of the major mountain peaks of the area. In the ancient times, I was to learn several years later, this area was considered sacred ground by the indigenous people, who came to this area from miles around to honor their Great Spirit, and to hold their sacred ceremonies and prayer rituals.
I arrived at the top, and allowed myself to become as quiet as my mind would allow for. I slowly did a 360 degree rotation, observing for the many miles around me, in all directions, the incredible beauty of the area, including the mountain peaks of Rainier, Adams, St. Helens, Hood, Jefferson, and the great winding river called the Columbia River. It felt as if I were on the top of a great observatory, and, today, I was the only person with this special view, and I was quite grateful just to be alive, and to have this privilege.
I bypassed a guard rail, and I then climbed around the rocky peak so as to be hidden from the view from anyone who might follow me up to the observation area. With the additional privacy that I had created for myself, I then felt comfortable enough to begin to pray and meditate for just a little while. I was quite poor at this activity, as my body still had mild tremors, and my mind refused to quiet itself. But, at least I made myself available to Spirit, in the way that felt appropriate to me.
My nervous system was still quite compromised from all of the poisoning caused by the chemistry experiments masquerading as methamphetamine/crank that I had ingested over the past 18 months, in addition to my continued abuse of alcohol during that period. At this point, on June 22nd, I had been clean and sober for 3 months, but a total healing or recovery seemed out of the question at this point. I had been a drug addict and alcoholic, more or less, since I was 15 years old, but the last 18 months had really taken a toll. My health was improving a little, but I still was having physical tremors, almost identical to Parkinson’s disease, and I was also experiencing the psychological discomfort of “hearing voices”,an activity within my mind which consisted, at this point, of mentally generated internal thought based feedback about whatever I was observing, or doing at the time. I also could “hear” people’s thoughts about me, though at this point I was able to “rationally overrule” those voices, by stating to myself that unless I actually heard the words from the person’s mouth, they were not real, and I just ignored their suggestions.
The “voices” were nothing more than my own thoughts, yet, in my mind, they appeared to be coming from a center not quite of my self, but of something, or some nature, not quite me. I was literally “out of phase” with myself. It was also like having a play by-play announcer operating in my mind, who mentally verbalized everything that was happening, as it happened, with no color commentary added to it (it was a “third person” perspective, with a running monologue documenting anything that my consciousness was focusing on at any particular moment). I had an uncomfortable relationship with this mental feedback, and I did not report this to medical professionals, fearing that I would be hospitalized, or placed on the same destructive medications that I had seen administered to my mentally ill ex-wife. I had resigned myself to a life of marginal mental health, at best.
A light, warm breeze carried the fragrance of the nearby pine trees to me, drawing me away from the problems of my body, and of my mind. I continued to be absorbed by the beauty of the area, and the majesty of the unobstructed views. The mountain peaks began to feel closer to me, for some as yet unknown reason. I felt as though I could reach out and touch each of them. The river far below me felt close, very close, and the whole panorama seemed to be drawing nearer to me, and I began experiencing everything in a different way than I ever had before. And, for the 2nd time in a month, I started feeling very “different”.
A month ago I had experienced a “vision”, and, with its presence, all of my loneliness and depression had lifted. I attributed that temporary healing to the presence of the vision, and there had been a love that had flowed into me during its presence. The “vision” had disappeared, but it had left its memory of a beautiful, unconditional love, and with it, traces of hope, and the expectations that something was to follow, of some as yet unknown nature. Well, something was following now, and it was “closer than breathing, nearer than hands and feet”.
A voice inside of my head then stated, with its typical matter of fact nature,
“HE IS HAVING AN EXPERIENCE WITH GOD”.
My mind found peace and quiet, an almost totally unknown phenomenon to me up to this point in my life. It was if Spirit’s gentle breezes were carrying away all of the mental debris accumulated over my lifetime. I was no longer separate from that which I was viewing. Everything revealed itself as an extension of my own self, of my own true nature. For the first time in my existence, I could see that, as far as I can see, all that I will ever see, unto eternity, is my own self. Then, with a sense of all of my thoughts now being my own, I asked myself
“how will I see myself today?”
I saw that all of humanity, and, all of nature itself, was my true family. I saw that everybody is family, in this new, true nature that was revealed within me. I looked within myself, and for the first time in my life, I only saw one person, as well. The third person monologue had stopped!! I held my hands out before me, and my hands, which usually shook so bad that I could not even write my signature clearly, or use a spoon to eat from a bowl without making a mess, were steady!
Peace had finally found me on a mountain peak, and I had finally found my true self. And, I had finally found that life, that TRUTH, I had been seeking since I know not when. And, a man who felt isolated for most of his life felt compelled to search for “my people”, which began a brand new journey of hope, connection, and healing with all others.
I had finally found what real recovery is. It is not just stopping drinking alcohol and using drugs. It is the decrease, and, ultimately, the elimination of all patterns of thought that keep me from caring for this world, and for all of the life upon it. I can’t be alive, and live life fully and holistically, without loving my fellow-man, and all life upon our planet.
When I think of the love that I might have for a newborn baby, or my favorite pet, I feel that love completely, with no self-consciousness, and with no reservations at all. I spare none of my heart or soul. But when I think of that family member or acquaintance who can cause so much distress, so much anger, can I give the same love that I would give for my baby to that person who I am distressed with? If I can’t let go of those negative emotions, then that is an example of my separation from God, or the truth of that present moment relationship. Today I choose to let go of all the emotional controls that keep me out of touch with others, and with myself.
I don’t have to travel to the underworld again to find that truth. “WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE?” became not only the question of that day, but now, also the question for my life, whenever I start to feel “disconnected”. I found my new capacity for spiritual vision, a vision which catapulted me into a totally new life experience. This should have been enough for almost any human being, but Spirit was not finished with me yet. More experiences were to come, with some actually challenging many of the common knowledge truths historically accepted by our civilization.
The mystery of the Unknown, and its revelation in the present moment, continues in earnest!
