As I prepare to greet my 62nd new year, I want to acknowledge a couple of spiritual gifts that life delivered to me this past year.
This year has been among the most challenging, and spiritually eventful, periods of my life. Training for Cycle Oregon 2016, and, ultimately, participating in it with my wife, Sharon, brought to my awareness the need to let go of a worn out aspect of my ego, which pertained to its competitive nature. There is a huge back story to this, and I will not try to cover it here.
A second great spiritual upheaval occurred in relation to our book club, where we hosted a meeting around a book by Sheila Hamilton (she is a five-time Emmy Award winning journalist and the author of “All the Things We Never Knew.”), who wrote about the mental illness, and subsequent suicide, of her husband “David” in 2006. After having Sheila in our home, and sharing her book, and life experience, with our group, I felt compelled to write about my life, and put words to the unspoken thoughts and experiences of my life during relevant periods of my life. This inspiration resulted in over 70 pages (small, single spaced lines) being written, and writing my story resulted in a more complete understanding of the blocks to “love’s awareness” that existed in my mind/heart during my childhood and early adult years. A cathartic event resulted, revealing a long ignored “voice” that I was called upon to finally listen to. I had to look at and listen to my history completely, as there were early periods in my life when there was nobody to listen to me when I needed it most, and thus some damaging marks were left on my soul, which were then healed through the powers of present moment awareness. Healing can be instantaneous, or it can be a lifelong process, but refining the powers of awareness is also a lifelong process, as well. Children would be well advised to begin early the study of themselves.
My resistance to life was substantial, creating friction each step of the way on my life’s journey, until I learned how to yield to my “higher nature”, through the examination of all of my “inner demons”, and the subsequent reorganization of my inner emotional and spiritual universe so that it could be more in resonance with love’s awareness and activity. For my “Christian friends”, the “blood of Jesus” did not help me heal myself, it is the power of my awareness, and my awareness alone, that brought me to my present moment of healing. I have bled more than enough to atone for my “sins”. My blood is worthy enough, if I respect my life experiences, and am willing to look at my shit, and be healed from it. I am compelled to remove the “log from our own eyes”, before criticizing the “splinter” stuck in the eye of another. Jesus does not do that for me, “Jesus” commands that I do that for myself. I no longer wonder why people claiming for themselves the “fruits of the spirit” , or ‘born again” mentalities continue to live a life almost devoid of that pure connection. THE TRUTH IS, If I don’t do the inner work, I don’t get the results. PERIOD.
Bruce
Presently, I am 67 years old, and I am learning how to live the life of a retired person. I am married to Sharon White, a retired hospice nurse, and writer. Whose Death Is It Anyway-A Hospice Nurse Remembers Sharon is a wonderful friend and life partner of nearly 30 years. We have three grandsons through two of Sharon's children. I am not a published writer or poet. My writings are part of my new life in retirement. I have recently created a blog, and I began filling it up with my writings on matters of recovery and spirituality. I saw that my blog contained enough material for a book, so that is now my new intention, to publish a book, if only so that my grandsons can get to know who their grandfather really was, once I am gone. The title for my first book will be: Penetrating The Conspiracy Of Silence, or, How I Lived Beyond My Expiration Date I have since written 7 more books, all of which are now posted on this site. I have no plans to publish any of them, as their material is not of general interest, and would not generate enough income to justify costs. I have taken a deep look at life, and written extensively about it from a unique and rarely communicated perspective. Some of my writing is from 2016 on to the present moment. Other writing covers the time prior to 1987 when I was a boy, then an addict and alcoholic, with my subsequent recovery experience, and search for "Truth". Others are about my more recent experiences around the subjects of death, dying, and transformation, and friends and family having the most challenging of life's experiences. There are also writings derived from my personal involvement with and insight into toxic masculinity, toxic religion, toxic capitalism, and all of their intersections with our leadere. These topics will not be a draw for all people, as such personal and/or cultural toxicities tends to get ignored, overlooked, or "normalized" by those with little time for insight, introspection, or interest in other people's points of view on these troubling issues. There also will be a couple of writings/musings about "GOD", but I try to limit that kind of verbal gymnastics, because it is like chasing a sunbeam with a flashlight. Yes, my books are non-fiction, and are not good reading for anybody seeking to escape and be entertained. Some of the writings are spiritual, philosophical and intellectual in nature, and some descend the depths into the darkest recesses of the human mind. I have included a full cross section of all of my thoughts and feelings. It is a classic "over-share", and I have no shame in doing so. A Master Teacher once spoke to me, and said "no teacher shall effect your salvation, you must work it out for yourself". "Follow new paths of consciousness by letting go of all of the mental concepts and controls of your past". This writing represents my personal work towards that ultimate end.