Chapter 14: Revisiting May 24, 1987: Breaking the Silence: A Journey Through Trauma to Spiritual Rebirth
The human soul carries within it an extraordinary capacity for renewal—a truth I discovered not through theological study or philosophical contemplation, but through the raw crucible of personal devastation and subsequent spiritual awakening. What began as a descent into addiction and despair ultimately became my pathway to understanding the profound healing power that emerges when we courageously confront our deepest wounds and embrace the transformative presence of the Divine Feminine.
This is not merely a personal testimony, but an invitation to examine how trauma—particularly that which stems from rigid gender roles and religious conditioning—can become the very catalyst for our most profound spiritual evolution. Through sharing this intimate journey, I hope to illuminate pathways toward healing that honor both our individual struggles and our collective need for authentic spiritual connection.
The Roots of Collective Trauma
Before we can understand the healing journey, we must first acknowledge the pervasive sources of trauma that shape our earliest experiences of self and world. Two primary wellsprings of collective wounding have dominated human consciousness for millennia, creating patterns of separation that echo through generations.
The first source emerges from the unconscious acceptance of rigid gender roles that extend far beyond biological distinctions between male and female. These culturally imposed expectations create artificial boundaries that limit the full expression of our humanity. Men are conditioned toward competitive individualism, encouraged to suppress emotional vulnerability, and taught to measure worth through dominance and achievement. This paradigm not only traumatizes masculine energy but also systematically devalues the collaborative, nurturing qualities that represent the essence of feminine wisdom.
Women, conversely, face their own constellation of limiting expectations. Religious traditions have often relegated feminine voices to subordinate positions, while broader cultural narratives reduce women to roles defined by their relationships to others—as objects of desire, vessels of procreation, or support systems for male achievement. These imposed limitations deny the profound creative and spiritual power that the feminine principle represents.
The second major source of collective trauma emerges from religious teachings that fundamentally misconstrue human nature and worth. From childhood, many of us absorb messages about our inherent sinfulness, our separation from the divine, and our need for external salvation. These doctrines create deep wounds of unworthiness that can persist throughout our lives, obscuring our recognition of the sacred presence that dwells within our very being.
My own journey into trauma began early, rooted in maternal absence during my most vulnerable months. Unable to breastfeed and consumed by work responsibilities, my mother could offer little of the nurturing presence my infant soul craved. Nights spent crying alone in a car in the garage, away from the household’s peace, created a foundational wound of disconnection that would echo through my formative years.
This early deprivation manifested as delayed speech, recurring nightmares, and a persistent sense of not belonging in the world around me. At school, my attempts to gain attention often resulted in disciplinary trouble, while my natural affinity for the gentler company of girls left me feeling alienated from male peers who seemed more at ease in their prescribed roles.
Adolescence brought little relief from these struggles. The competitive, often cruel dynamics of teenage social hierarchies amplified my existing wounds, while romantic relationships remained elusive mysteries that deepened my sense of inadequacy. An ill-fated early marriage and its subsequent dissolution in 1984 further compounded feelings of failure and despair.
By 1986, these accumulated wounds had reached a breaking point. The pain of disconnection from love, from purpose, from any sense of belonging in the world became so overwhelming that I attempted to end my life. Yet even in that darkest moment, something deeper stirred—a recognition that there might be pathways through suffering that I had not yet discovered.
What followed was a year-long descent into Portland’s criminal underworld, my consciousness numbed by substance abuse as I navigated the shadows of society. Yet this apparent destruction was actually a necessary dissolution, breaking down the false structures of identity that had never truly served my authentic being.
Recovery began in March 1987 with my engagement with Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs. These frameworks provided essential tools for rebuilding my foundation, but it was the integration of genuine spiritual practice that gave my healing both depth and meaning. Through the guidance of teachers like Jack Boland, whose tape series “Twelve Steps to a Spiritual Experience” became a crucial influence, I began to understand that recovery extends far beyond abstaining from substances—it represents a profound transformation of the soul itself.
Two months into this new journey, on May 24, 1987, my yearning for healing culminated in an experience that forever altered my understanding of both divine love and my own nature. While driving through the West Hills toward a friend’s house, I was overwhelmed by a vision of extraordinary power and beauty.
The image that came to me was that of the Mona Lisa, serene and timeless, nursing a baby. But this was not merely a visual experience—it was a complete sensory and emotional encounter with what I can only describe as infinite maternal love. For an entire week, I felt enveloped in a profound sense of divine nurturing, as though all the maternal care that had been absent in my earliest months was now being bestowed upon me in transcendent form.
The light of this divine motherly love seemed to permeate every corner of my being, healing wounds I had carried since infancy. I had to stop my car on Canyon Boulevard, fall to my knees, and offer my gratitude to a Creative Force that had finally found me receptive to its presence.
Understanding the Vision’s Deeper Meaning
This profound experience revealed layers of meaning that continue to unfold in my understanding. The choice of the Mona Lisa as the vessel for this divine communication was not arbitrary—Leonardo da Vinci himself is said to have painted this masterpiece as a self-portrait in feminine form, honoring the divine feminine aspect within his own consciousness. His message, interpreted through contemporary understanding, represents the recognition that all true creativity emerges from the mysterious, intuitive center where wonder, compassion, and sensitivity to others arise.
The image of the divine mother nursing represented my own spiritual rebirth. I was literally being re-mothered by the universe itself, receiving the unconditional love and nurturing that forms the foundation for all healthy development. This was not the conditional love we exchange in daily relationships, but Love itself—a generous, boundless essence that flows eternally through creation.
More significantly, this vision introduced me to the Divine Feminine—not as an abstract concept or theological metaphor, but as a living, healing presence that complements and balances the Divine Masculine. This revelation stood in stark opposition to the patriarchal religious narratives I had encountered, where feminine wisdom is diminished or entirely erased from spiritual understanding.
The suppression of the Divine Feminine represents one of the most profound spiritual tragedies of our time. For centuries, patriarchal systems have systematically devalued the collaborative, nurturing, and intuitive qualities that the feminine principle embodies. This suppression has created a profound imbalance not only in our spiritual understanding but in our approach to relationships, governance, and our connection to the natural world.
The Divine Feminine brings qualities essential for our collective healing: the capacity to nurture growth rather than demand performance, to seek unity rather than perpetuate division, to honor the interconnectedness of all life rather than fragment existence into competing parts. When we suppress these qualities—whether in individuals or in society—we create the conditions for the very trauma and disconnection that plague our modern world.
My vision revealed that healing our deepest wounds requires not only personal work but also the restoration of this sacred balance. The maternal love I experienced was not simply divine comfort for my individual pain—it was a revelation of the healing presence that humanity desperately needs to rediscover.
The journey toward spiritual healing and recovery requires both inner work and practical engagement with transformative practices. Based on my own experience and continued exploration, several key elements emerge as essential for anyone seeking to heal from trauma and connect with their authentic spiritual nature.
Acknowledge and understand your trauma. Healing begins with honest recognition of the wounds we carry, particularly those stemming from gender role conditioning and religious messaging about our fundamental worth. This acknowledgment is not about blame or victimization, but about creating the foundation for transformation.
Explore spirituality as a path to healing. Traditional recovery programs, while essential, often lack the spiritual depth necessary for complete transformation. Investigate practices that connect you with transcendent love—whether through prayer, meditation, time in nature, or other contemplative disciplines.
Embrace the Divine Feminine within yourself. Regardless of your biological gender, you carry within you both masculine and feminine spiritual qualities. Learning to honor and integrate the feminine aspects—intuition, collaboration, nurturing, and unity consciousness—is essential for balanced spiritual development.
Seek supportive community. Recovery and spiritual growth thrive in environments of authentic sharing and mutual support. Find others who are committed to genuine spiritual development rather than adherence to rigid doctrinal positions.
Practice radical honesty about your experience. One of the greatest barriers to healing is our tendency to present polished versions of ourselves to the world. True spiritual growth requires the courage to share our real stories, including our struggles and failures.
Breaking the Conspiracy of Silence
Perhaps the most crucial aspect of spiritual healing is our willingness to break what I call the “conspiracy of silence” that surrounds authentic spiritual experience. Too often, fear of judgment or rejection keeps us from sharing the very experiences that could offer healing to others who desperately need to hear them.
When I shared my vision with others, I encountered a range of responses—from Randy’s physical reaction of tingling and raised arm hair to the Baptist minister’s attempt to redirect my experience into acceptable theological categories. These responses taught me that genuine spiritual experience often challenges established frameworks and may not be immediately welcomed by those invested in conventional approaches.
Yet sharing our authentic spiritual experiences—no matter how unconventional—serves not only our own integration but also provides permission for others to acknowledge their own encounters with the sacred. Each time we speak honestly about our spiritual journey, we create space for others to explore their own deeper truths.
Spiritual awakening is not a single event but an ongoing process of integration and deepening understanding. The vision of May 24, 1987, marked the beginning of my conscious relationship with divine love, but the work of embodying that understanding in daily life continues to this day.
This integration involves constantly choosing love over fear, connection over separation, and authentic expression over conformity to expectations that do not serve our highest good. It means recognizing that our individual healing contributes to the collective healing our world desperately needs.
The Divine Feminine presence that revealed itself in my vision continues to guide my understanding of what it means to live from spiritual authenticity. This guidance manifests not as external commands but as an inner knowing that draws me toward choices that honor both my own deepest nature and the interconnected web of life of which we are all part.
The time for spiritual pretense and surface-level healing has passed. Our world faces challenges that require the deepest wisdom traditions have to offer, integrated with courage to transcend the limitations of past religious and cultural conditioning.
If my story resonates with your own longing for authentic spiritual connection, I encourage you to begin or deepen your own exploration. This might involve sharing your experiences in the comments below, joining our community forum to connect with others on similar journeys, or exploring related resources that honor both the masculine and feminine aspects of spiritual development.
Consider seeking support from therapists or spiritual advisors who understand the integration of recovery work with authentic spiritual practice. Begin implementing practices like prayer, meditation, and conscious time in nature that can open you to direct spiritual experience.
Most importantly, have the courage to break your own conspiracy of silence. Your story—no matter how unconventional or challenging—has the power to heal not only your own wounds but also to provide hope and guidance for countless others who need to hear that transformation is possible.
Remember to acknowledge and honor the Divine Feminine in all of us, by integrating spirituality into recovery, and by sharing our experiences freely, we serve not only ourselves but the greater good that our world desperately needs.
The time for silence is over.
The time for transformation is now.
Will you answer the call?
