My wife, Sharon, recently received a card from a long term friend, whom we both no longer consider to be a close friend. She is the widow of a dear,, departed friend, Marty C.
In 2019, I wrote a manuscript for a potential book which was comprised of many of my blog posts from 2017. This was the year, literally. When I had the choice between becoming a writer and speaker, or to continue to sit on my truth, and further degrade spiritually and emotionally.
As I re-read the 2017 book, I was struck again by the amazing energy of that year, and its impact upon me. I was a good friend of Eddy’s husband Marty, but by no means his most significant male friend.
I woke up this morning with what appeared to be an anxiety attack already underway. I had dreamed of my parents, who are both dead, and I had Eddy firmly on my mind.
I had been delaying the editing and, ultimately, the publishing of Book #8, and I was getting some messages from my being that this delay was impacting me spiritually and emotionally. I finally saw that my procrastination was inspired by my traumatic experiences of rejection as a child, and my whole being was in turmoil.
- My voice has no value, and
- There is not enough love in this world to support my ability to live
became operative paradigms for my pre-conscious mind. They are the tricksters that have plagued me ever since.
To not deliver my message only affirmed this pre- conscious paradigm, and the childhood wounding manifested in a highly uncomfortable anxiety reaction..Had my wife not been present to talk me through this reaction, I would have sought medical help at a local hospital.
I am much better today, having a full day processing unresolved grief, and contacting a potential editor for Book #8.
Here is the Letter that I penned to Eddy:
Hello Eddy,
Marty, and you, were treasured friends to me. I had so many great memories and experiences with Marty, and, of course, with you. Rarely a day goes by and I don’t think of him, you, and us in some way.
Grief is no stranger to me, nor is its most potent contributor, death. I still have my own “death terrors” from time to time, as I deal with my own health issues. Yes, a CT scan may be on its way for me Thursday for an inner ear issue, which may have a tumor component associated with it (well, I certainly hope not!). Anyway, I have already seen my own death, and it is unsettling to realize my own mortality.
Marty helped encourage me after I made a decision to write about life, after our book club meeting in November of 2016, with Sheila Hamilton. He read and gave feedback about my Facebook posts. He was the only man ( or woman) courageous enough to read my difficult writings. He expressed interest in what I had to say, and he was a great listener. He was a very good man, irreplaceable actually, and his death has left a great vacuum in my life. The cessation of our connection with you was also traumatic, and the whole dying, death, and recovery from grief process has left me sad, and, at times, feeling empty,.
I had been receiving some “inner teachings” that were psychic transmissions about Marty, a very mysterious process that left me quite hopeful that Marty could survive his last melanoma outbreak. The September party and your revelation to Sharon of Marty’s secret decision to pass with his ” death with dignity” option on the 10th pulled the rug out from under me, and caused a huge spiritual and cognitive dissonance within me, and destabilized me temporarily. I felt betrayed by the way it played out. How much of it was due to the brain cancer, and how much was due to other concerns such as family I will never know, nor will I need to know now. I have since attempted to shut down all such “transmissions”, and I now just deal directly with “what is”, which places me into a whole new category of being and understanding, and consciousness itself..
Three weeks after the deaths of Marty, and two weeks after my father’s, I had a major panic attack for the 2nd time in my life, and I nearly hospitalized myself. The first panic attack in my life was the week that Marty had a seizure, and was hospitalized, eventuating in his tumor removal..
I needed someone to hear my pain, but I just could not connect with you, Chad, or even Jo and Jim to find a satisfactory set of ears. It appeared to me that my grief just had no standing in this community. When you came over to our house to “share grief stories” in October, the session in our garage was dominated by your narrative, with me only getting about 5 minutes time to talk (Sharon zero time), in distinction to over an hour for you. Yes, your grief was intense, yet so was mine. I don’t think that any of us was satisfied by that exchange. Meetings with counselors who control topics and tempos would not have helped this matter, at least for me.
I wrote many blog posts in the year 2017, and combined most of them into a book. I have now written over eight books worth of material about the mind, consciousness, truth, civilization, toxic religion, toxic masculinity, trauma, and growing up in a diseased world, none of which have been published. Book #4 is devoted to 2017 issues, and Marty is well represented in it. I make several references to you in the book, and some were not too favorable, to say the least. I make no apologies, for they were my thoughts and perceptions of the time, whether right, wrong, or indifferent, and they captured the spirit that I was experiencing during the most turbulent, dynamic growth period in my life. It was also the most disturbing period in my life, as well.
I have included a link to my blog site for the book, if you wish to peruse it. Like you told me towards the end of Marty’s life when you typically ” overshared”, “treat this like an AA meeting, take what you like, and leave the rest”.
I will not be offended if you have no interest in the writings. If you do read it and are offended by some of the passages, I had no conscious intention to bring harm to you, yet they accurately reflect my internal experience of the time.. I am not a proponent of non-violent communication, I am a proponent, of honesty, integrity, speaking truth, dialoguing, and allowing everybody to have their own point of view, even if it is offensive to me, or feels harmful. I am a product of the household, and the civilization, that I grew up with, and this is how we do life.
Blessings to you on the rest of your life’s journey.
I still am saddened by the ending of our friendship.
I am happy that you have not prematurely committed yourself to an Alzheimer’s residential unit.
I am noting deterioration, however, of other peers, and I now wonder what, if any, cognitive indignities might await us all, if death does not first short circuit that threat..
In the meantime, like many others, I deal with other health issues.
Thanks for your friendship and your love over the years.
Like you, my heart has been broken, and I still feel great loss.
And, like you, I am on a healing journey, perhaps one with no final destination.
Many blessings to you and to your family.
Bruce Paullin
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1 Comment
Sharon White · April 26, 2022 at 6:49 AM
Truth is so very important to our world and to each person. Thank you for sharing and caring enough about yourself to get it out there.
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