Beware, oh Mankind, of the painful secrets that we must keep, for by our suffering silence we never awaken, while dying in a painful, lonely sleep.
After my experience with the stored, and then released energy behind “There Is Something Fundamental Here”
I had several insights about myself.
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I came to understand why most of my “greatest works of writing” are poorly received, and rarely read by those that I would wish to have read them.. My parental conditioning, coupled with the induced trauma that I experienced, guided my own self-concept engineering project over the most important developmental years of my life. And the billions of neural pathways and interconnections within my neurobiological system help to maintain a fundamental homeostasis around that project called my ego, while also occasionally expanding its territory with newer or upgraded connections.
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Because of the traumatic wounding that informed me that my voice has little value, and that the world is a very insecure place, with only sporadic croutons of comforting love floating randomly in a mostly cold, lonely soup of existence, my ego project made accommodations to those fundamental, though mostly, erroneous assumptions My engineering project of myself ended up confirming the reality that trauma forced me to believe about myself, and the world. I created a way of presenting myself to the world, long, long after all trauma had ended, that created indifference, or even antagonism, from the world that I still desperately sought to make a meaningful connection with. No warm, engaging, mesmerizing, scintillating, effervescent personality for me, though it was not by my choice, but by my lack of ability..
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This has culminated in, later in life, wirh me writing eight complete books about our culture’s conspiracy of silence, toxic masculinity, toxic capitalism, toxic religion, and our culture’s almost callous disregard for the needs of those greatest in need. Yet a friend, who proofread and offered editing advice about Book #3, stated to me, in the most loving way possible, that my message was just too powerful, too prolonged, too overpowering to give the reader a sense of safety while trying to make an emotional connection with the writings.. Peter stated that I needed to love my reader more, as to read, understand, and apply my work was a most exhausting endeavor…I do love my readers, while loving myself and my unique message, so I will publish Book #8, even if only for myself.
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My early unconscious engineering project of myself, and then my post 1987 conscious re-engineering project, did not quite bring the fruits into my experience that I once believed were essential to a happy, joyous experience. Spirit gave me a blank slate to write the new version of myself upon in mid-1987, yet I had not yet recognized or released traumatic influences, so the unconscious wounding still guided my evolution. Trauma and I finally became consciously acquainted in the recent past, and I have continue to address its influence. I continue to practice mindfulness and meditation, concurrently with my 12 Step recovery philosophy, to help keep me spiritually balanced while also evolving and growing as a human/spiritual being.
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I have found that many of the people who “love me” only love their image of “me”, and not the real me that I am. That “idolatry” is all too common for the human experience, and nobody has a monopoly on that distorting aspect of consciousness. When using the image of “you” that I have created to look at you, all that I see is myself, so if I am really looking for more love in my life, love had better be the guiding principle behind all of the images that I create.
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.I am finding what I am looking for, while remaining mindful of the temptations to unconsciously look for the continuation of a dysfunctional, lonely, isolated past. I am creating new pathways of consciousness, and letting the timeless moment of now, where the infinite unknown with its potential to bring love and healing, resides, be a creator of my .new thoughts. I see that time based thinking is the way that we manipulate and control the puppet (ego) that appears to be our master, yet, in truth, is born of our own mistaken theories and unconscious self defeating intentions.
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I am Bruce Paullin
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I am that I am.
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That which I truly seek, is that which I truly am.
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Life is an amazing, creative, though wayward engineering project, until the controls can be let go of, and I can sink into the truth of who I really am.
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Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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Why not make it a life affirming one!
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I am that I am.
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I am happy.
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i am joyous.
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I am free and liberated.
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I want the same for all sentient beings.
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This post was not intended for anyone in particular. Recovery is not just for heavy drinkers and/or abusers of drugs, it is for people who want to make positive, life affirming and healing changes in their lives.
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12 Steps Revised To Reflect My Spiritual Experience
1. Through our own extended suffering, we finally found the desire to want it to end. We admitted that when we become self-destructively habituated to any substance, situation, or perception, or judgement and/or lack of forgiveness in our relationships with others, we lose our freedom of choice, bring unnecessary trauma into our lives, and into the lives of others, and, thus, fail to achieve any lasting sense of inner peace and joy. We finally realize that our lives have been lived unconsciously, and have become unmanageable as a result of that neglect.
2. With our new found hope and openness for change, came the desire to begin to awaken to higher possibilities for our lives. We realized that, in our essence, we have an interior, though neglected, power that will heal us and restore us to balance, if we pursue it in earnest. We now realize that we have not been living up to our full potential as human beings.
3. We made a decision to turn our will, and our lives, over to the care of our higher interior power. We become open to the possibility of embracing a new Truth for our lives. We want to access the power to continuously evolve, and we want to cultivate our heart to be more loving to ourselves and to others. We decide to let go of ANYTHING that impedes our progress towards happiness, healing and wholeness. We realize that without the deepest of desires, and intentions, to change our behavior, we will not be transformed.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We have lived a life without a high sense of self-esteem, and we have made unfortunate choices because of the scarcity consciousness that has resulted from it. We realize that when we find the blocks to our evolution, and become willing to remove them, our new found insight will guide our paths with precision to the Truth of our existence. This is our entrance onto the path of mindfulness and higher consciousness.
5. We admitted that we were not being truthful with ourselves and with others, and by talking with another who we may trust, yet not be beholden to, about our errors in judgement and in actions towards our self and others, we can better deal with the shame and self-judgement that so often arises from the deadly secrets that we once felt that we must keep. Just by honestly talking with someone else, our burdens can be lifted. Our secrets need no longer keep us imprisoned, and mentally ill. When two or more people come together in the spirit of truth and honesty, mutual compassion and empathy also become part of the gathering.
6. We became entirely willing to let go of our attachments to unhealthy attitudes, behavior, and people. We wish to see clearly, without the limitations of our past, of our family history, and of our cultural conditioning, with all of their embedded trauma.
7. We open our hearts through humility and the willingness to change to embrace a new possibility for our life. Our new found sense of connection with our higher interior power inspires us to become more grateful for the gifts that we now have, and we are now spiritually preparing to finally give back to the world in a meaningful, positive way. We want to finally let go of all of the emotional charged memories which keep us trapped in a dead past. Rejoice, for the old demons are being transformed into the new angels!
8. While we were unconscious to our higher potential as human beings, we brought emotional, spiritual and perhaps even physical harm to other innocent beings, and we want to try bring healing and peace to those who have suffered from the effects of our ignorance. We realize that through the mirror of all of our relationships, dysfunctional or otherwise, we are granted a view into how we truly see ourselves. We want to see through the eyes of Truth, and not through the pain and suffering that unfulfilled relationships may have brought to us.
9. We made direct amends wherever possible to all people we may have brought harm to, except when to do so would bring further injury to them or to others. Our guilt will not be assuaged at the expense of others. We make full application of our new found wisdom, and our renewed desire to bring no harm to any sentient being. We want our world, and our own personal sense of self, to feel safe from further attacks from us, and our honest disclosure of our mistakes to those impacted by our errors in judgement will continue to support that intention.
10. We continued to take personal inventory, and, when wrong, promptly admit it. We have become honest with ourselves. We practice mindfulness, and continue to develop our capacity for insight into ourselves. We now know ourselves, and we now know many of the potential impediments to experiencing and expressing the Truth of our being. We no longer solely abide in old modes of thought, and now we are more focused on the beauty of the present moment.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the Truth of our being, praying only for knowledge of Truth, and the willingness to live within its infinite domain. We now understand that this whole process of recovery is a meditation on life, and that the evolving, healing life that we are now experiencing is our living prayer. Each time we drink from the deep interior waters revealed to us by meditation, more of our painful dreams are dissolved. We finally realize that the capacity to change, to evolve, to grow in our infinite spirit is the whole point of our human existence. We are now traveling upon new paths of consciousness.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we attempted to carry our message of recovery to our world, while continuing to practice these principles in all our affairs. We have finally become whole, and are now conscious, caring human beings. We have accepted full personal responsibility for our lives, including healing our past, and keeping our present balanced and harmonious, and we no longer blame others for who we are now. We are now experiencing prosperity on many levels, and have witnessed the healing of ourselves. We have saved the world—from ourselves. Our life is now our truest teacher. We realize that we have no power to bring salvation to others, yet, it is our responsibility to point to the way of healing for others who may still be suffering, and who may finally become interested in overcoming their own limitations.
It is a longer, happier life for all who discover their unique value, and personal Truth.
The Voice For Awakening
The slowly shifting sands of time always create ever taller hills for lost souls to climb
Yet, in selfish, hateful worlds of so little reason and rhyme, the seeker must arise, to find Truth and Love Sublime.
Are we but marionette’s dancing images trapped upon the ATM screen of a monetized mind? With money seeking beliefs in control, what freedom is there to find?
Release our attachments to those dangerous soul entrapping strings, and prepare for a new wisdom that only a liberated Intelligence can then bring!
Mental marathoners on a treadmill just stand, with racing minds crowded with second-hand words and thoughts making us just life’s also-ran.
Chasing in vain Love’s all-knowing voice, when the Truth is that by our rest, comes a new revelation of the only reason to rejoice.
Shadow boxers of evil, when will those mental arms ever tire? It is only the champion of a lonely dream world to which all would aspire!
Stop resuscitating those illusions with those mental pugilist blows, then the peace filled mind will be revealed by the One who now knows!
While in realization of Truth, it is seen that “God’s High Mountain” is just another illusion to climb, created by fearful, desirous minds caught on the merry-go-round of time.
The unillumined, restless mind forever remains bereft of Love’s Rhyme and Truth’s Reason, and Only chases after mirages, until it sees all of the movements that are guilty of treason.
To finally realize the Truth, is to see ignorance’s agendas are only illusions that limit and bind, Spun together with the same golden threads of the Emperor’s New Clothes, his evil tailors did wind.
To corrupt the minds and hearts of all innocents, and all of the vulnerable that they can find. So we must continue to seek our own truth, and then our struggle becomes Sublime!
Wake up to Love’s Voice, sweet somnambulator, by realizing the eternal Truth, that “I” within “you” is greater.
Than any image “you” could ever form or learn, and then your world will reflect back to “you” the sacred I for which “you” eternally yearn.
Ignorance, stupidity, and spiritual death always pursues mankind with relentless intention, when we abandon the beauty, mystery, and sacredness of the present moment. Eternity lies within us all, just awaiting our recognition. When we die to all that once was, we awaken to what we were always meant to be.
This is the holy domain where true forgiveness has been made manifest.
What truly is “recovery”?
What truly is “God”?
Ahh, those revelations come after we are liberated from the imprisonment of all of our “knowns”.
Therein lies the true gateway to our liberation, and this passage through that door leads to our ultimate transcendence over all of our limitations from the past..
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Be still!
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Know our own, and each other’s, true value!
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Listen with our hearts to each other.
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Can you hear me now?
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Have you found what you are really looking for?
