We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It’s easy to say ‘It’s not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.’ Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.
— Fred Rogers
In this time when an anti-Christ style darkness seems to rule the United States, and when heartless terrorists and politicians victimize our most innocent of beings, both human and animal, it can be difficult to feel the miracle of life that is constantly with us. Yet, to not have a loving spirit guided experience, is to live a life devoid of much of the greater meaning available to us as human beings. Without a collectively shared intention to honor each other’s dignity, and the dignity of ALL LIFE on our planet, oppression of our spirits and the continued destruction of our planet will remain the guiding forces dominating mankind until our final end.
I remain deeply disturbed by the present developments within our shared world, including my individual and our collective human consciousness, and the points of connection between the self and other, through our language, religion, and economic philosophies. As I personally witness, read, and hear about the early death syndrome of the white American male, which may yet still capture me, I now know that our spiritual, political, and economic systems are flirting with catastrophic collapse.
After the death of my father in 2017, I had the privilege and challenge of reading and sorting through a lifetime worth of writings and papers from my parents, and from myself. After reading some of my mother’s personal writings, I was struck by the pain and suffering that she experienced remaining married to my father. He was not a person with the soft touch, when it came to communicating with those that he loved, especially during challenging/difficult periods of life. He was what those in the field of recovery refer to as a “dry drunk”. He was a poor listener, and he could be opinionated, judgemental, angry, obnoxious, overly competitive, and hurtful. He was a member of a huge class of human beings now known as toxic males, and his behavior was to become a major influence for my own choices for how I was to present myself to the world..
I have seen how a lifetime of oppression of myself and the unconscious repression of my feeling, loving nature had brought to me a series of near fatal illnesses, physiological as well as spiritual. I saw how a dark force, common to all of humanity continue to live, move, and have its being enshrined within my own heart and soul. I also saw how the medical, economic, religious, cultural, political, and spiritual traditions had failed to honor my dignity. My most basic, innermost needs of being valued for my basic essence was ignored, and I was not listened to, understood, and accepted by those who have that capacity of the Heart. I also saw that my own suffering was also shared by most of the other people that I knew. I saw that those who still suffer have little energy to provide emotional support for others who suffer, as well.
There is so much suffering in the world, and eventually all members of humanity share in its universally humbling, painful reality. Human suffering and evil are two spiritually destructive forces that humanity has dealt with each moment of its existence. Failure to address these issues directly and consciously only leads to more suffering, and enhances the collective perception of the presence and growth of evil in our world. Many causes of suffering are preventable, however, and they have their origins within broken, unhealed minds of men unwilling to embrace the possibility of change. It is the resistance to change and evolution that is the origin of many forms of suffering and the proliferation of evil.
Suffering may arise through an action of intentional hostility, or it may arise spontaneously as a reaction to the vicissitudes of life. Suffering may arise from an inability to do what is right. Suffering may arise through the trauma of witnessing horrific acts of violence. Suffering may arise from the inability to reconcile the belief in God with one’s own grief and loss. Suffering may arise from becoming addicted to substances that were designed to take our pain away. Suffering may arise from the perceived inability to speak one’s truth and to have one’s voice heard in the face of the oppressive powers of the day. Suffering may also arise from contemplating the continuation of our daily pains into a distant, unknown future.
The suffering from my past provided the foundational material for my exploration into human suffering. The intention behind the documentation of my life experience in this book is to provide an example for others, and to be a representative voice for those who either choose to, or who cannot speak up for themselves. What I have observed is quite subjective, and the population that I have witnessed is fairly small, compared to the whole of the population that has been impacted by our cultural disease. I offer my apologies in advance to any widow or family member who might be offended by what appears to be judgmental or incomplete representation of the facts, but whatever facts are presented are backed up by my real life experiences..
Speaking out against the injustices of the world, and attempting to be inclusive of all those who suffer is an act of compassion, empathy, and spiritual justice. But, finding one’s courage to speak out brings the risk that the speaker with be seen as yet another voice of oppression against those already burdened by their own unique version of suffering, and who have not yet claimed their own personal power and responsibility. Wisdom dictates that I avoid becoming the voice for a resentment, injustice, or grievance of others, unless I have already experienced the difficult truth behind their pain. Because I have lived a life inclusive of intense pain and suffering, I know this path intimately, having nearly sacrificed my life at thirty years of age to the cumulative effects of the disease of toxic masculinity.
There is a direct connection between what unfolded in my personal life while being a suicidal, masculine energy dominated unconscious man and alcoholic, and the patriarchal evil that is unfolding in our world today. Our world remains intoxicated by its masculine hubris, greed, insensitivity, and the continuing domination and subjugation of all feminine energy, including our Mother Earth. And, the world is in the midst of its own collective march towards suicide, should ignorance, greed, and Trump style politics and economics predominate into the future.
Because of the collective impact of toxic masculinity, there has been an epidemic of younger, white, middle class men who have been dying at earlier ages than would be statistically forecast, for the past 25 years. Because of this recent trend of increased rates of white mortality, there has been an equalizing of death rates among all racial groups,. Death rates broken down by race and ethnicity once were pointers to the imbalances of health care opportunities within our civilization, but that may be no longer the case.
News in recent years has been dominated by references to the opioid epidemic, painkiller addiction, and heroin addiction as causal agents in early deaths.. Alcoholism, murder, mental illness, poor diets and exercise, and suicide are also major contributors to the upswing in mortality rates, These factors are a small part of the real story, and I continue to address the disease of Spirit that has targeted American masculinity, and the people who I have known who have been struck down by it. I have seen, and I believe at the deepest level of my own being, that disease in the mind of mankind is directly related to disease within the body of mankind. A difficult but essential truth to contemplate and to perceive is that the ills of our society have created many of the conditions for our early demise, be it through poor dietary choices, heart attacks, cancer, alcoholism, addiction, suicide, murder, or by so-called “accidents”.
Many men have lost their careers, and could not recover from that loss. Some had no meaning in their lives, and could not recover from that. Some were addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, and could not recover from that. Some were sexually or physically abused in their youth, and could not recover from that. Some were addicted to the idea that their only function was to provide for their wives or family, and, having achieved success or failure, they could not recover from that. Some were traumatized war veterans who suffered immensely, and could not recover from that. Some were just waiting for a better day, and when it never appeared, they could not recover from that. Some were lonely and depressed, and they could not recover from that. Some had profound mental illness, and they could not recover from that. Some had a profound need to speak up around their own pain, and when they could not find a loving ear with the capacity to listen, they could not recover from that.
What happens to a culture dominated by the oppressive effects of toxic men? What happens to a society that remains out of balance within itself? What happens to a civilization when women are oppressed, and their holistic wisdom, is neglected in favor of self serving patriarchal ideology? One only needs to look around, and view the effects of toxic masculinity, and its ugly spawn, toxic religion, toxic politics, and toxic capitalism, to see that repression of the feminine, and the Divine, is built right into the very fabric of our cultural existence.
Our POTU$ is the perfect representation for all of the ills of our culture. To the extent that the men within our culture practice his unholy principles of engagement with the world and the women and men within it, they also share in his disease of mind, body, and spirit. What happens to a man defeated by the dark energy of unhealed masculinity? We don’t need to look too far to see the insanity expanding and exploding around us, with the mass murders, early deaths, suicides, drug addiction, alcoholism, abuses of woman and children, extinction of species, destruction of our ecology, and all of the damaged relationships that fail to find healing.
Poor self-esteem has been inculcated into boys from birth by our wayward fathers, religions, and cultures. We have been trained to ignore our own feelings, to not communicate honestly with others, to be excessively competitive with others while “keeping up with the Jones’ “. We are forced to prove self-worth in environments where self, and others’, worth is disrespected. We try to fit in where we really don’t belong. We engage in people pleasing behavior at the expense of our personal truth. We do not speak up for ourselves or for others that are oppressed, for fear that we will be judged and marginalized by those in position of power. We immerse ourselves in entertainment, we overeat, we drink too much alcohol, we use recreational drugs to the point of habituation. We continue to smoke and chew tobacco, all the while knowing that behavior is killing us, too. We are selfish with our sexuality, and tend to use our sexual desires as a way to control and manipulate others. And, because of our lack of prosperity, employers abuse our work ethic to encourage us to become workaholics, which ends up keeping us out of the connecting, healing currents of friendships and family relationships. In our efforts to meet the needs for economic security, continue our family line, and meet our sexual needs, we often make sacrifices that diminish our health, our sense of well-being, our community connections, and our personal integrity.
The primary contributor to cultural disease and dysfunction is men’s unwillingness to make fundamental changes in attitudes and behavior. White male privilege, patriarchy, and toxic masculinity are three useful terms denoting the entrenched, institutionalized nature of our dysfunction, which is a major disease of the human spirit. This disease has its deadly flames fanned by our cultural denial of a deadly truth, which is the foundation for the conspiracy of silence. Our unskilled male behavior collectively remains a national disgrace, as we continue to dishonor each other, our animal brothers and sisters, the environment, and our planet Earth.
Men are still predominantly in control, and continue to skew the narrative away from the truth that MEN’S ATTITUDES ARE THE PROBLEM. Our ideas for addressing the problems of gun violence, addiction, greed, and sexism tend to avoid obvious, rational solutions, because we don’t want to face ourselves. And, failure to face ourselves will lead to the same self-destructive end that eventually happens to all humans and their attempts at maintaining civilization.
A prime example is the NRA and the corrupted politicians who do not act to reduce the proliferation of automatic weapons. These allied forces are sponsors of national terrorism. Just how many automatic weapons does it take to make America’s gun owners feel safe? It is just that many weapons that it takes to make America unhealthy, insane, fearful, and outside of the picture of potential national healing. Gun violence directly stems from a national mental illness, and guns are never the proper medication to alleviate the symptoms. One automatic weapon is too many, and 300,000,000 is never enough, so goes the divided, self-destructive collective mind of America.
There Is Something Fundamental Here
I had an amazing, cathartic experience around the origins of my own toxic masculinity. The following story recounts an experience that I had in 2017. If it weren’t for the incredible spiritual strength, and wisdom, of my life partner, Sharon White, I would not have been able to have, what some people call, the following “cathartic event”.
It was on a Thursday morning in February, and I was preparing to go to the Pilates class that Sharon and I attended each Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday at our athletic club. Typically, I wanted to get there a little early, so that we could warm up on an exercise bicycle, with a little aerobic activity that I still enjoyed participating in, since I no longer ran, having retired late last year after a lifetime of enjoyment, and pain.
It was 9:15, and I was fully prepared to leave, while Sharon remained on the telephone, talking with a friend. As it turned 9:19, I spoke to her, in my most innocent of voice,
“can we go now?”
Sharon had a series of responses that I won’t repeat here, but three things that she said coincided with me entering a “spell”. I felt the presence of something so basic, so fundamental, so raw, so real, so hurt, that I raged for a couple of minutes, declaring several times:
“There is something fundamental here!”
The trapped energy of a lifetime was released. I became aware of a pain so deep, and so all-encompassing, resulting in an anger from a source that I had never touched before, at least as a verbally conscious human being.
Sharon and I went our separate ways for a few hours, while we both tried to understand what the heck had just transpired. Leading up to this experience, I had been intensely exploring the entirety of my life experience, having written 70 pages about my early childhood, maturation process, addictive and self-destructive cycles, and glimpses into higher possibilities for living. Without me realizing it, all of the personal story writing had placed me into the psychic world of all of my past pain and suffering.
After a meditation, I had a realization. My wounded essence had actually cried out for the first time and I actually listened to it, without my ego repressing it as it had for 61 years. And I also saw, for the first time, the wounding process that I shared with my father. I felt an incredible compassion, love, and acceptance for my father, who had also suffered immensely under the spiritually destructive parenting of his own diseased parents.
I finally had experienced the most basic nameless suffering of an ignored child, or baby, and I have now given it verbal description:
MY VOICE IS WORTHLESS, I HAVE NO VALUE. I MUST BE ALONE IN THIS WORLD.
Sharon paid the price for a couple of hours, while I re-birthed the wounded baby within me. But, I had an insight that still informs me daily.
I saw how we, as humans, keep layering ourselves and our ideas upon what somebody else is saying, rather than meeting the being where they are, and responding according to the dictates of our “heart center”, which in most people, ESPECIALLY MEN, has been scabbed over by our own early spiritual wounding. Men typically inflict their own wounding on everybody else, in subtle, or not so subtle ways. Usually, this manifests in dominating, or being dominated, by others. Philosophies of oppression, and of the monetization of reality, arise out of this wounding. Women are usually victimized, or those with sensitive natures.
When our personalities have been formed by the layering of our egos upon the “unnamed, unrecognized dark energy”, we end up with an energy exchange dynamic where we “project” our dysfunction onto others, and make them wrong for it, not recognizing that we were the source of our misplaced judgement. The spiritual thorn in my side will forever be that my voice will not be heard before I die, which is the adult version of my infantile suffering and separation from love.
We just can’t quiet our minds long enough to listen with our hearts to what is being said, and respond accordingly with our heart. We are much too eager to respond with ego programmed responses, which, typically, are based on incomplete perceptions or someone else’s ‘knowledge’, and it remains our attempt to control the other’s experience through linking our own unhealed energy with their own.
In our attempt to be heard, we instead try to program people, unconsciously, to behave and react more in accordance with our expectations. When they don’t (they rarely do, unless they are our impressionable young children), we are very disappointed, and feel rejected, and, in the absolute, we feel betrayed by the sum total of exchanges between the parties.
I do not want a life that has been lived in vain. I also see a world where the majority of us still suffer from the same, basic issues that I have tried to describe here. Even among some people closest to me, denial reigns supreme, and I have only a small measure of hope that the “personal truth” that I am trying to convey here will actually be heard, and applied by others that I care about (which now includes the entirety of our planet Earth).
“There is something fundamental here.”
As a baby, my parents placed a blanket around my baby body, and deposited me in a car in their garage so that my father could get at least 5 hours of sleep a night. My father was “chasing the American Dream”, and worked two jobs at the time.
I don’t need to remind any of my loved ones of the profoundly damaging effects of denying love and interactive time to a developing human being. What I might need to remind myself at times is that others, no matter what their age, or how much that I think that I know them, continue to be developing human beings, and they deserve my undivided attention, while they attempt to reveal who they are in this moment.
When I shared some of my creative work, which began in early March of 2017, I got the very strong impression that some of the important people in my life just didn’t have the time to listen. I am NOT asking that anybody agree with what I have to say. I am asking that people listen with the heart, and allow my deepest meaning to sink in, and finally reveal itself to the listener.
If I do not want to grow anymore, I will stop listening to what others are really trying to say. If i don’t want to be of service to my fellow-man/woman, I can just stop listening to what they are trying to express, and just layer my own ignorance and judgement, over somebody else, and not let them reveal to me who they Really Are in this special moment.
Another clue about our own, or the others’ listening intention, is when we try to share a profound life event, and then are immediately “run over” by another with more knowledge on the subject. Sometimes we, or the other, either have “too much book knowledge”, we have the “certificate”, we already have read about it on the internet, we have memorized something from a class that we already took, or we have a friend who has already “been there, done that!” What about that “friend” or “family member” who checks their phone, and Googles information, perhaps to confirm their own biases or (mis)understandings, instead of accepting the validity of the energy that we are attempting to share in this new, unique moment?
Our President, and many of our politicians, are masters at this. Please don’t inflict this same treatment on the ones you love. It is like putting a blanket around our heart and soul, and putting us into the car, so that those with a dehumanizing or monetizing philosophy can continue to oppress others, while keeping themselves spiritually asleep.
Whether any of us can accept it, or even want to try to believe that it is possible, the Divine is revealing Itself moment to moment. In my ignorance, disguised as “knowledge”, I throw a ‘blanket” around IT, and throw IT in a car, so that I can continue to sleep.
We all have a secret that needs to be told
We all have secrets from others that need to be told.
We all need to be more willing to listen for the deeper meanings of each other.
There is something fundamental here.
I choose Compassion today.
We are all developing human beings, no matter what our age. And, we are all God’s children, and God speaks through us, whether we can hear the “truth”, or not. Sometimes the “truth” is so difficult to hear, that we shut down emotionally, and we either ignore what is said, or substitute our own story for what the “other” is trying to communicate.
Please, listen to your self. Please, listen to the other.
Far too many men engage in our cultural conspiracy of silence daily, which is a most deadly component of the CKG. These include the following admonitions:
don’t talk
don’t tell
don’t touch
don’t feel
don’t engage
don’t listen
don’t change
don’t heal
My male heritage and my experiences as both a son to a often times toxic father, and working with many damaged men in the electrical trades and in general employment, provided the background for most of my writing . Patriarchy, as expressed through men as a collective consciousness, is responsible for creating the present day conditions of our diseased world. Men in power would rather have our neighbors, wives and children assaulted, raped, overdosed through drug use, or murdered through gun violence, than to promote and enforce healing changes. We need more women in positions of power and influence, and men need to get in touch with their potential for toxic behavior and attitudes, and begin to make necessary course changes in their hearts and souls.
The abhorrent behavior of Donald Trump, the poster boy and face for toxic male stupidity and darkness, as well as his supporting cast of damaged characters, has become the de-facto leader of the energy of toxic masculinity.. If we as a culture, and me as an individual, don’t speak out, and affirm to ourselves, and to others, what the truth really is to us, then eventually the hypnosis and propaganda of others may become our own collective reality, and continue to overtly influence our personal integrity, community relationships and overall spirituality.
The historical legacy of the American white man’s ignorance and evil, and his support network of unconscious, disempowered, fearful and/or cowardly family and community members, continues even up till today. Subservient women, often times religiously inculcated to be that way, continue to follow their husband’s lead, and as a group remain one of the leading populations of unconscious support for continued unhealthy male dominance.
Yet, women remain the number one oppressed group of humanity, though the blacks/African Americans, native American Indians, and other racial and ethnic groups have not escaped the grasp of white male privilege, masquerading as American Christianity inspired capitalism and politics.
Here are some principles of toxic masculinity that I found live in our collective consciousness, and which also lived in unconscious domains of my own mind and heart. I have exaggerated them, and linked them with common monetary, sexual, and personal power dynamics. And yes, these principles, or variations of these themes, are part of the Common Knowledge Game fundamentals for erroneous understanding of self and other. If they appear to mimic some of the values and principle’s underlying Donald Trump’s abhorrent behavior, then you are already paying close attention to our collective consciousness, and its dangerous and sometimes catastrophic influence on the affairs of humanity throughout our history.
#1:
I am the center of the Universe. The rest of humanity is here either for my pleasure, for my profit, or for my disdain. I may attend a church occasionally, so that I can create the impression that I worship a higher power than myself. But, I already know that there is no higher power but me. HUMILITY IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME, and is only for the poor and weak among us.
#2
Truly loving another human being is a sign of weakness, and thus I must continue to suppress all such impulses so that I can achieve my selfish goals. I will carry on a campaign of hatred, judgement, and condemnation of all people unlike myself, all the while claiming to represent their interests at the highest level of my being (with subtlety, if one is of the passive/aggressive nature) . The ignorant people populating my world will hopefully associate my hateful behavior with their understanding of what love is, thus damaging the hearts and souls of all who may fear, respect, and/or follow me. My schizophrenia will be confusing to others, but may still be normalized, as others that I have influenced model and support my behavior.
#3:
People, and Mother Nature itself, are most valuable if they can be monetized. If I can’t make money from my relationship with people or our natural surroundings, then I don’t necessarily need them. They will have to prove that they belong in my life in some other selfish, self-serving ways. I choose to neglect the long term effects of my short sighted thinking, because now is the only moment to profit from others, and from the Earth.
#4:
Never admit that I am wrong. Always blame somebody else for my problems. The admission of guilt is a sign of weakness, and only for those who do not have sufficient monetary and legal power. I don’t need your forgiveness for my mistakes, because, as far as you should be concerned, I do not ever make mistakes.
#5:
I have a right to choose how much drugs and alcohol that I consume. I do not need feedback from others telling me that I am abusing my medicine and/or alcohol. I have earned the right to drink as much as I feel like, because I have so much stress in my life, and I make so many sacrifices that I deserve an extra break and release through excessive alcohol and;/or drug consumption. I do not have a problem, and if you think that I have a problem with my chemicals, then it is your misunderstanding, and not my own.
#6:
Never spend any time in self-reflection or meditation. Developing insight is difficult and time-consuming, and I have more important things to do I am already perfect, I always have been perfect, and everybody else needs to change to accommodate my needs. If I am not “perfect” today, I always have someone, or something, else to blame.
#7
I have a right to use my strong emotions to intimidate and threaten anybody that I need to in order to get my way. My anger is a weapon, to be wielded whenever necessary, and its expression is my first selection from my arsenal of control tools in manipulating and controlling my world.
#8
If I can’t get my way with another human being, then I will cajole or bully them into submission, or attack their name and character, and/or impugn their dignity, until they either submit, or are discredited by my allies.
#9:
Everybody unlike me should be distrusted. Relationships built through mutual trust and collaboration can be threatening to my short-term goals, and should not be cultivated, as only alliances of hate and distrust are capable of bringing me to my goals.
# 10
The women in our lives are more suited to be our personal possessions than self-sufficient, independent people, and are not to be treated as equals, and are better suited for exploitation for family support, sexual purposes and/or economic gain.
#11
If I can’t get my way through truth-telling, then the telling of lies becomes my most potent weapon. If I am caught in a lie, then it is only your misunderstanding of my point, and not what I said, that is wrong. If I tell the same lie often enough, then people will start to accept the lie as the truth.
#12
If there is no conflict currently in progress, then I must start creating the conditions for the next one, and socially position myself so that I can maximize emotional profits and visibility for myself.
#13
I never will obtain enough money, power, sex, or attention to keep me happy. I must continue to pursue these needs to extremes in order to keep me from becoming depressed and losing my sense of personal value in this world. If I achieve my goals, and I am still unhappy, I must set new goals to attempt to fill that big hole in my heart and soul.
#14
The powers of my penis reigns supreme. When it is erect, it always points me in the right direction, regardless of the people who may be hurt by my wayward sexual desires. My self-esteem is dependent on how many women that I can convince to make love to me, and nobody is immune from my advances. One is too many, and a thousand is not enough, when it comes to sexual conquests.
#15
I am the king of my home. I have created my kingdom to serve my selfish needs. If my rules are not honored, and my intentions for the family do not hold up, and family members start to stray, I will coerce, cajole, or threaten all wayward members with violence, if necessary. The family must stay together under my control, no matter what the cost to others might be.
#16
Perfectionism and full control of others should not be mutually exclusive propositions. I will judge, criticize, and condemn others, and myself, as needed, to bring all of my world into alignment with how I think that it should be. I will compare and contrast my wealth and success with others to establish the best baseline for my expectations and behavior. My wife and my children are first and foremost my possessions. I will direct and control as necessary, and nobody else has any right to criticize my choices in how I provide and care for them. My whole sense of self-esteem is derived by how deeply they honor and obey me, without argument or back talk. I do not want or need alternate points of view, as my view is the only view that is relevant.
#17
If those closest to me engage in betrayal, and destroy my sacred relationship with my family, I must avenge myself, and destroy all who have threatened my life and values. My wife is my property, and my property alone. If she should ever have an affair with another man, I reserve the right to punish her and my family, up to, and including, murdering them. If I must die in the process, it is a good death for me.
#18
Self sabotage is my unconscious need, as I fail to achieve my goals. It is my right to destroy my creations even as I destroy myself, so murder-suicide is an acceptable option in the extreme, when my needs have been dishonored, and I feel that I have no more options to achieve my goals, and improve my life situation.
#19
I have been a failure since I never measured up to my father’s, my church’s, or my society’s standards. I will continue to self-sabotage my success at ever bend in life’s road, and I will see life as a self-fulfilling prophesy of incompleteness and loss. I will not even question that my life has other possibilities for it, and I will resign myself to my depressing fate.
#20
I reserve the right to murder anybody, when it suits my needs to protect myself. I will justify my possession and use of firearms through quoting the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, as well as pointing to the fear and threats in our world, and our country as my own justification for stockpiling weapons. I will not listen to reason, as my mind is made up, and you can have my weapons after “prying them from my cold, dead hands” (thanks NRA, and the late mega-asshole Charlton Heston).
This list is the abbreviated list, as aspects of our collective selfishness covers the entire range of human darkness. Men burdened by toxicity tend towards sexism, racism, isolation, poor judgement against all others unlike themselves, and low self-esteem, while men moving towards spiritual healing tend to unite with others in peace and mutual acceptance, and a willingness to share an improving sense of their self with the world.
While living a toxic male life, I created some of my own writings on “pain”, which originated while I was hidden in the Care Unit for Alcoholic Rehabilitation, in 1984. These poems are from the hand, and heart, of a toxic man who was in the initial stages of awakening. The following are two different iterations for Pain that I penned in 1984
PAIN
Though the dark cloud looms on the horizon, it is also hidden within myself.
It appears to hover in the distance, just beyond my reach, and it patiently waits my most vulnerable moment.
I then feel the initial mist from its clouds, suspecting that I am its intentional target.
A piercing wind picks up, hugging me with its frozen arms, and I vainly look for protection
As the torrential downpour begins, I feel my tenuous sense of peace and safety eroding beneath my feet.
As it strips back, layer, upon layer, upon layer, upon layer, of my consciousness, exposing a bedrock bereft of sanity.
Exposing long forgotten mental relics, threatening old, unhealed memories, and dangerous old habits,
Stinging, piercing, hurting me at my core, obscuring visions of glorious, yet impossibly distant futures,
Washing away all tenuously held possessions of sanity, and hope.
Uprooting the feeble foundation of a life desperately, but futilely, attempting to, yet again, reconstruct itself,
Carrying a powerless, helpless, desperate soul back into toxic chemical valleys, amid a dark, swirling depression,
Ravaging, drowning, then decaying.
Part II
Yes, growing without roots, with a will that won’t bend,
Weathering life’s storms, which never seem to end.
No longer waiting for the sun that was once promised to arise,
How could truth’s light possibly shine in dimmed eyes?
Having reached with futility for all the high goals of life,
With no spiritual growth, while consumed by inner strife.
Devoid of healing affection, and a stranger to real love,
Unrealistic hope was what my failed dreams were all made of.
Despair meets each day, summer has now changed into fall,
Looking at life, I am totally disgusted by it all.
Dying of loneliness, and holding life by only a thread,
With me rotting inside, hopefully, I soon will be dead.
Pain,
Why?
There is no mystery to me as to why some people choose suicide, continued ignorance, or continued addictions over recovery. The potential for recovery is only that, a potential, unless one develops a conscious intention to break free from the tight grip of grief, loss, and heartbreak. Pain, and suffering, without any hope for healing, brings anger, despair, depression, loneliness, and suicidal ideation.
Toxic Masculinity Values and Principles underpin much of the Common Knowledge Game, which is the modern name for the phenomenon of socialized understanding of self and the other. As the wise ones advise: To change my world, I first change myself.
There is terrorist, a Nazi, that lives deep down within all of us. Once we have addressed our darkness, and healed it through bringing our light to it (insight), it loses its power to unconsciously control us. Then, when we go out into the world to subdue the evil that sometimes erupts in dank, dark places, we can fight the actual enemies, and not waste energy fighting projections of our unhealed self.The fundamental oppressive force in the human universe is not our wayward political or social agendas, it is the human mind itself.
Be careful in there!
‘Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice
—–Vin Diesel
The following information, though not quite up to date, carries some painful truths about toxic masculinity, entrenched power, the #metoo movement, and gun violence.
Nov 4, 2017 – The rate of gun deaths in the United States rose in 2016 to about 12 per 100,000 people, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said in a report released on Friday. That was up from a rate of about 11 for every 100,000 people in 2015, and it reflected the second consecutive year that the mortality rate increased.
The age-adjusted rate of drug overdose deaths in the United States in 2015 (16.3 per 100,000) was more than 2.5 times the rate in 1999 (6.1).
Sexual violence is a problem that is deeply rooted in our culture. Presently, the CDC does not have any statistics about sexual abuse against women in general, but i have read that one in four women have experienced sexual abuse at the hands of the diseased American male. The following statistics should be of interest (from RAINN):
17,700,000
The estimated number of women who have been the victims of rape since 1998.
99
The percentage of perpetrators of sexual violence that will walk free.
13
The percentage of female rape survivors who will attempt suicide.
64
The percentage of trans people who will experience sexual assault in their lifetimes.
127,000,000,000
The total amount of money rape costs victims every year in the U.S., excluding child sexual abuse.
16-19
The age range that women are four times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault. Female college students ages 18-24 are three times more likely than women in the general population to experience sexual violence.
1 in 6
The fraction of American women who have survived an attempted or completed rape in their lifetimes.
1.8
The amount of times trans people of color are more likely to experience sexual violence than the general population.
3
The percentage of men who will be raped in their lifetime.
90
The percentage of adult rape victims that are female.
321,500
The average number of victims of rape and sexual assault per year in the U.S.
80,600
The estimated number of inmates who experience sexual violence in prison or jail every year.
60
The percentage of instances of sexual violence experienced by inmates that are perpetrated by jail or prison staff.
2
The number of times a person with a disability is more likely to be a victim of sexual assault or rape than a person without a disability.
A rational human being would posit that ALL VIOLENCE is unacceptable, and that the American culture needs to treat ALL conditions seriously and equally. Why are we so self-destructive and irrational as a culture that we allow gun violence, sexual violence, and drug additive violence to continue against our fellow citizens? You already know the answer, and it continues to propagate in the genitals, and the damaged minds, of far too many men in power.
If enough people do rise up and rebel against the prevailing order (disorder) of the day, dramatic and positive change can be made. This is, in fact, how all evolutionary change is to be successfully made in a diseased, structured society like our own. When a living system becomes infected with toxins, it must rid itself of the offenders, lest the disease spread, and destroy the entire system. The compromised system must fight back with love’s most powerful antibodies
Domestic violence, sexual abuse, and patriarchal attitudes are a set of learned behaviors with the emphasis on exerting unhealthy power and control over others, and can be unlearned — but it takes consistent work on the part of the person who caused harm well beyond the immediate crisis. Complex ideas about gender roles and expectations are often at the root of abusive behavior, many times having been instilled from childhood.
Gentle confrontation with the offending person is a first step towards healing. The person may be unaware of his negative influence over others, or may feel powerless to do anything about it. Counseling can be the next step towards healing, though it would take the mutual accountability through the controls exerted by the common knowledge game for the rest of our population to move towards change. It takes ongoing attention and progress checks from the community, family members, and friends to ensure a true change of behavior. And, people who harm others should allow justice to be determined by the survivor. The perpetrators should publicly own up to their behavior, apologize, and describe how they’re trying to change. This is how we change norms around the conspiracy of silence that permeates domestic violence — by showing others using harm that accountability is necessary and healing is possible.
Creating the basic conditions that support emotional and spiritual growth might be beneficial to the entirety of our human race. Men, and women have basic needs regarding personal safety, security, and placement within the society. Here are some simple, and not so simple, human needs coupled with spiritual intention:
To belong, to feel safe while belonging, including the desire to help and protect others while helping oneself,
To speak up, and feel like we really were heard, and not have our spirit layered over with others’ errors in reasoning and judgement,
To be able to listen to another at the deepest level possible, and be present in the spirit of understanding, cooperation, and collaboration.
To feel whole, and to be able to recognize that wholeness, not only within ourselves, but within all others, even those living in alternative realities.
To love all others, as well as to be accepted, and loved, with as few conditions attached as possible. Unconditional love was never meant to be reserved just for a mothers’ love for her child, so it is a great evolutionary objective to attempt to be a channel for it.
To evolve, for if we do not, we become subject to the forces of friction and chaos inherent within a closed mind, and system, resulting in higher physical and mental disease and disfunction.
FAILURE TO HONOR THESE NEEDS WILL RESULT IN THE CONTINUATION OF OUR PRESENT DAY CULTURAL CHAOS AND DYSFUNCTION, WITH LITTLE POTENTIAL FOR HEALING.
Make America Great Again? Normalize that which should never have been acceptable? Get real, and start healing, American male. Greatness only comes after we, as a society, face our collective darkness and see how we have institutionalized ignorance, acknowledge its damaging impacts on others, makes amends to ALL we have harmed, and find integrity, and stay on a more humane path in the future.
The Buddha had his own ideas about what constitutes mental health, and by his definition anyone who isn’t well on the way to Enlightenment is insane. Quite how literally he meant it when he said “All humans are mad” is hard to say, but when he looked at ordinary people like us going about their daily business he saw a world out of balance — and a world that by necessity is out of balance, because it is composed of those same off-kilter individuals. He viewed this imbalance as a form of perversion, inversion, and/or derangement He understood that we, collectively, misunderstand the world that we live in, misunderstand ourselves, thus we all end up living in a virtual reality of delusion, confusion, and distortion. What’s more, we largely share the same delusions, which mean that we don’t even realize that our minds are disturbed
As Krishnamurti suggests, it’s possible to think that we’re spiritually and mentally healthy because we share our mistaken values and understandings with those around us. Collectively, our ill minds create social circles, or society that is itself ill, and we consider ourselves healthy because we see our values reflected in our spiritually sick fellow travelers.
Jesus of Nazareth stated quite clearly that “My kingdom is not of this world”. Also he stated “Be in this world, yet do not be of it”. And, “Do not attempt to remove the sliver from each other’s eye, before first removing the log from your own eye”. Finally, he also stated “Straight is the way, and narrow is the gate, and very few there are who will enter in”. “Truly I tell you,” Jesus also said, “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
The Buddha, Jesus Christ, Krishnamurti, and even Fred Rogers are dead, yet we all can still become a hero for healing and transcendence.
This is a pretty clear message, for those who have “ears to hear”.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Anais Nin
We all must find a way to release our “imprisoned splendor”. Emotionally dishonest, hiding, shame based behavior, hateful, misogynistic, racist, irrational, anti-earth and anti-animal, and immoral agendas promoted by the existing POTUS, and tragically practiced by millions of our fellow Americans, will not lead to recovery and healing, period. We are all negatively impacted by the continued resistance of others to the unfoldment of healing, and love.
There are those purporting to be “spiritual teachers” and advisors, who are admonishing their followers to abhor using human emotions with their dealings with the public. Specifically, I am frequently hearing that a “requirement for maintaining spiritual integrity” is to NOT EXPRESS ANGER, in any form, and instead to substitute “loving thoughts” and “forgiving actions”.
Really?
First things first!
Anger is a natural, normal response, in any particular new moment, to any assault on our being, on those that we love, or on our inner sensibilities. Anger, among all other emotions, and in balance with those aspects of our self, help us to manage our response to the outer world, which is, at times, quite the aggressive, distressed, ugly, oppressive environment. Anger is not positive or negative energy, it is HUMAN ENERGY ITSELF, and like all aspects of our humanity, it needs to be understood in the context from which it arises, and when and how it expresses itself.
Anger can bring fear to the unaware among us, because of an incomplete or unhealed response to its expression in their past. We have all been persecuted, at one time or another (or many times), by the angry parent, boss, co-worker, or stranger driving next to us in a car. Or, how about the rapist, or child molester, who tries to attack us, or our children?
According to classic psychology, humans engage in “fight or flight” behavior, when they experience fear and/or perceive that they are being attacked. Whether we choose one or the other depends on any number of circumstances, and ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL. When we are backed into a corner, and there is no way out, where is our energy to come from, when the attacker makes his final lunge at us?
Anecdotally, we hear of those rare few who have successfully mitigated these circumstances, through some fortunate “intervention” through prayer, or luck, where those who are attacking us somehow are diverted, and move their aggression elsewhere. We only need watch the news, or read the paper, to see that these anecdotal stories do not embrace the reality of most of the final acts, and resulting actions, of the aggressive ones. Murder, rape, child molesting, intimidation, oppression, misogyny, road rage, terrorism, paternal violence in ALL OF ITS FORMS, keeps manifesting itself, and has throughout all of history.
We all feel a need to “be in control”, and to conform to social norms, especially those “norms” expressed in the common knowledge game that dominates the unaware human consciousness. Philosophies and theologies that stress the need to repress aspects of our human nature need to be examined in their fullness, and not accepted at face value. By their very nature, any umbrella philosophy and theology devalues the “intelligence of the moment”, and intentionally and/or unwittingly contribute to the suppression, and repression, of sacred human values and emotions. This unrepressed and unoppressed human energy, when balanced, keeps us as complete beings, capable of accessing and expressing the wholeness of our being, with emotionally intelligent actions appropriate to the activity of the moment.
There is a Wisdom deep inside us all, waiting to inform all of our thoughts and actions in this world. And, this world requires Ultimate intelligence to navigate through it successfully, without bringing harm to ourselves and others needlessly. Anger and fear are not to be repressed by any healthy human being, but instead are to be witnessed, and studied, and utilized intelligently for wise action in this troubled world.
An appropriate response to the needless suffering of others IS ANGER, especially when we are witnessing the same ignorant oppressors repeating the same antagonistic actions over and over again. Speaking out in loud voices is a powerful way to let the oppressors know that we are NOT SHEEP WILLING TO BE LED TO OUR SLAUGHTER, but instead warriors willing to stand up and defend our self, our families, our neighbors, and our world.
The Liars and Thieves that currently portray themselves as politicians and national leaders need to be able to hear our voices. The feeble, baying voices of the multitudes of oppressed sheep of this world will continue to be persecuted, oppressed, and their human values will continue to be systematically trod upon. The AWAKENED AMERICAN has never been a member of that disempowered flock.
Stand up, stand up, stand up for your rights!
But, make sure that the anger is appropriate to the moment, and not some formulaic response that the “non-healed, unbalanced” nature within your own self offers up under many questionable circumstances. An “institutionalized expression of anger” becomes hatred in disguise, and that characterizes the oppressive nature of far too many male originated, and dominated, philosophies. When anger becomes an automatic response to all situations where threat is perceived, then the intelligence of the moment is denied, and we are susceptible to bringing needless harm to our bodies, and to our minds, as well as to the “other”.
To respond successfully in anger, we need to measure how mindfully we can engage these threats, and successfully group our own thoughts and actions, with others also engaged in the situation, to either fight the oppressors, or to speak our truth, and be heard. We do not engage in mass protests because we want to go for a walk with a bunch of strangers, we engage in protests because we want our voices heard. Channeled anger is an effective, time-tested method for standing up to those who would keep us silent.
One only needs to review history to see how well the silent sheep held back the Nazi oppressors. If you want to conform to the “spiritual philosophies” of those who did grow up in our country, and did not share in our American Experience, good luck to you.
I cannot and I will not be led unconsciously to my own spiritual slaughter, and to the slaughter of my Values, Morality, and Ethics that World Patriarchy continues to threaten on a daily basis. The Demon must be recognized by all, and challenged by all, or prepare for the darkened ending of all that is important to us as an American culture, and a world civilization
I choose to wisely tend to my own “flock”, and not to become just another follower in someone else’s “herd”. I am now a shepherd of my own thoughts and feelings, and not just someone else’s lamb.
Please, tend to your own “flock”.
Pockets of conscious, self-aware, healthy people have been sprouting up among the weeds of American misunderstanding since the beginning of our time together as a people and nation. Perhaps these pockets will someday be woven into a national garment of spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical well-being, to be worn by all. This is not happening while I am still alive, however, and may not ever be realized in our time, or any time for that matter. Changes must happen within consciousness itself, and the “common knowledge game” that we all unconsciously play must be examined, and re-examined again and again, until we are no longer subjugated to its darker sides of oppression and repression of human spirit.
While some believe that our collective emotional and spiritual IQ appears to be declining, there are those who continue to grow, evolve, transform, and become aware. which brings me a measure of optimism for the future. Women, who tend to think more holistically, are the hope for the future, as men’s fragmented thinking and selfish reasoning will only continue to lead us all down the path of chaos and brokenness. Men will never lead anybody into the “promised land”, because the “promised land” does not exist for persons living a life devoid of spiritual discernment, no matter how much they claim to read the bible, or attend church. Unhealed men are not capable of seeing everything as extending from an unbroken whole, of which everything emanates from and which we are eternally united with. Men do not automatically assign the highest value to life, instead opting for philosophical agendas that minimize other life’s value, so that they can achieve their selfish desires with less guilt.
There just are not enough recovering men in this country right now who have undertaken the practice of self-awareness and healing, and applied spirituality, devoid of the trappings of religious dogma and misplaced judgement. Men will not evolve, unless backed into a corner, and threatened with the loss of everything, and even then they will try to hold a discussion with you about why they don’t need to heal, just everybody else needs to. There are far too many men who pretend to be Christian, playing that music in the background while going about their typically anti-Christ unconscious, unhealed male behaviors, negatively impacting all those who make contact with that irrational, yet all too common, wounded American male soul. Most men will not change, unless faced with the certainty of death itself. And, the road that our country is now set upon, is defined by death’s very boundaries. There will be healing for the American male in our future, but by what impetus, and at what cost to the rest of our world?
Enlightenment does not come to the “fat and happy” people of our world. Enlightenment is NOT a gentle process, merely attained through reading books, practicing a few affirmations, talking with friendly therapists under our emotional control, and attending a few workshops and conferences. To find true enlightenment, a path through personal, and our collective, insanity is REQUIRED. Watch how the so-called ‘professionals’ of our culture continue to try to oppress this movement, and repress those impulses within themselves, and others under their ‘spell’ or control.
I can quote from the Bible, Koran, Talmud, Bhagavad Gita, or the sayings of the “enlightened masters” such as the Buddha, Jesus Christ, Mohammed, or more recently Krishnamurti, the Dalai Lama, OR ALL OTHERS, for the rest of eternity, but until I face myself directly and honestly, NO TRANSFORMATIVE CHANGE WILL OCCUR. The same is true for our country, and for our world.
The greatest life lesson that life has given me revolves around my relationship with my father. My grandfather’s alcoholism seemed to have had an Impact on the way dad drank as a young man. He enjoyed drinking, and was quite the social person, as well. But, his memory of his father’s behavior probably served as a good deterrent to abusive drinking. But dad still wrestled with his own self-esteem . The legacy that my grandfather tried to leave with his kids tragically revolved around diminishing the value of his children’s lives in his, and in their own, developing minds. My dad was, at times, troubled by his upbringing, though he rarely spoke of it until very late in life. Unconsciously, dad had impressed his own lack of a healthy mental self concept upon his children. To this day, depending on how conscious I can or can’t be, I can be dramatically impacted by the wounds, or I can soar high above it all through maintaining the principles of an open heart and a quiet(er) mind, which neutralizes the unhealthy illusions of self that can be so troubling.
My lack of a healthy self-esteem took me into hell very early in life. I was not to “recover” from this until I was 31 years of age. And, for me, my only hope was to find the Truth that underlies the whole of life, and attempt to derive a new sense of self through re-connection with this “lost essence”. A new openness to life and all of the possibilities that shared love can create, and a resurgence in the respect that I now give my body through enhanced physical activity, diet, and “placement” in healthier outdoor settings and social situations, helped to guide me in ways my father could not have embraced, nor given me any mentoring with, as he was too unconscious.
Awe, wonder, love, connection, healing, wholeness, collaboration, good mental health, all lie within the realm of possibilities for all men, and for humanity. With the acceptance of personal responsibility one human being at a time, for all of our negative perceptions, we can transmute their dark energy into a lighter, healthier energy through insight, mindfulness, and meditation. We will then find the perfect peace and goodness that some claim that we have always been looking for, since Mankind first arrived on this planet.
It is certain, in any case, that ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have.
—– James Baldwin
