To My Mentally Ill Stepdaughter-An Exercise in Futility?

One evening, a Cherokee elder was teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. This battle that goes on between the two wolves is inside us all.

 

One wolf is Evil. He is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is Good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

Wisely, the grandfather simply smiled and replied, “The one you feed.”

Hayley,

Most people love a good story, and this medium for communication has been proven to be an extremely effective method for the transmission of our wisdom and human values to others.. Even the belief in God, whether or not “God” actually exists, has its own origins in the need for mankind to create a story around its own origins, and to give its existence some sort of context and meaning. Stories that are interesting tend to keep one’s attention, and the best story tellers sometimes don’t let the truth get in the way of telling their best version of the story.  What is the truth, anyway, when there might be 7.5 billion versions of it?  And, one person’s truth can be another person’s lie, so the wise listener weighs and measures the narrative being shared by others with their own understanding of reality.

Your “story” is also your own attempt at understanding yourself, and conveying that understanding to others. You have experienced a lot of deep feelings, and your work is your own unique attempt to bring words to previously undefined and/or difficult emotional and experiential phenomenon that may have defied your attempts at communicating to others before. You attack yourself by giving Sharon the permission to “burn” your book, that statement reflects that you have already judged yourself as unworthy of important people’s understanding of you and your presentation of your own unique, creative journey.

.I write this letter/book as a representation of my own understanding of my own life, and, later on, your written “creative” representation of your life.  Your mother had no role in its writing.  I realize that what I have to say to you may not be received with kindness, compassion, and understanding.  Our minds can be like a one way valve when we are stuck in our self righteous anger and hatred.  I have no idea in which position your valve is, though.  Sharon, myself, and your world do not make your choices for you for how to see—YOU DO.  And you either reap the rewards, or the punishments, for your point of view.

Let me give you a piece of my story, so that I can give you some context for the rest of this long reply to your compelling version of reality.. In some of the early times of my life, prior to my addictive cycles beginning in 1971, I carried a sense of isolation, depression, and a strong feeling of anxiety around life and the unknown. From 1971 through 1987, as a practicing alcoholic and drug addict, and mentally ill human being, I lost most of my remaining freedom of choice. I belonged to the “death wish core group” of Americans, who lived lives of desperation, addiction, suicidal ideation, and mental illness. I sought an early death, either by my own hands, through my addictions, or by the poor health and relationship decisions that I continued to make. I could see the insanity of those still claiming for themselves good mental health, while the choices of those supposedly “healthy people of the world” continued to bring the promise of the destruction to our planet Earth. While I contemplated my own end, I witnessed a world in the midst of its own collective march towards suicide.

“It is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”–Jiddhu Krishnamurti

As a culture, we need to remember that our mentally ill population, which includes the addicts and the alcoholics, are society’s “canaries in the gold mine”. We are all susceptible to the damages incurred by spiritual asphyxiation, should we neglect to listen to the stories being told by our most vulnerable family members. The sensitive and the oppressed of our culture define the leading edge of the journey of our own shared human experience and are indicators of our collective spiritual condition.

There is a cultural conspiracy of silence. Those who have been traumatized by their own, or their family member’s, mental illness often do not communicate their distress, and thus suffer in silence. There are many secrets that are kept, that are held close to the heart, for the victimized, the broken, and the ill do not have the language, nor the receptive audience to share their trauma and pain, with. Some traumas are so painful and distressing that the victim is fearful that the revelation of their disease will bring harm to others, or further harm to themselves. And major sectors our culture remains judgmental, uncaring and indifferent to the plight of the suffering, and close their minds, hearts, and ears to those in need, so that they can continue relatively unbothered in their own selfish, self serving worlds.

The conspiracy of silence is built right into the framework of our collective consciousness. Dead men tell no tales, but the nearly dead MUST continue to tell their stories, with respect for themselves and others, until our civilization finally wakes up. To not express ourselves honestly and openly results in our own early demise, Spiritually as well as physically. We each must penetrate the conspiracy of silence, and bring the light of a loving heart and healing words to the hidden darkness.

I have been personally impacted at the deepest, most profound levels, and my own mental illness and addictions were a cause of greatest concern for myself, my family, and my community, as well. I  have been victimized by mental illness, addiction, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, and my path through life has made me a reluctant expert in these matters. Not only is remaining unconscious and victimized not a helpful option now, It is inappropriate and unhealthy for me to keep a silence around these issues, as I tend to be as sick as my secrets.

In my unhealthy past, my conditioned response would be to keep silent, as I had nothing of value to share with the world, and/or the world could give a shit about what I had to say anyway. Extrapolate that response to all of life, and we can perceive the isolating framework that imprisons much of the American psyche..

“If you really, really knew me, you wouldn’t love me”

—This is often heard in many recovery meetings, and one of the foundational beliefs behind our collective conspiracy of silence, which supports poor self-esteem, and distrust of others.

We are only as sick as our secrets”

–This is another aphorism frequently heard in recovery meetings. My present understanding is that we will remain as sick as our secrets, while being victimized by society’s secrets, as well.

There are many in our culture who have calloused hearts, which reflects in both toxic and criminal behaviors, and crazy making communication styles. Those who have witnessed the way that many men abuse their physical privilege, and take advantage of their positions of power and influence to oppress, victimize and control others spiritually, and sexually, can become disheartened and demoralized. Members of my own sex have also suffered under toxic influences from other men, as well as from our own wayward intentions. There are no positive mental health outcomes for those who suffer under such abuse. My heart goes out to all women and men, past and present, who have been abused by unconscious male power dynamics and abhorrent sexual behavior. These darkened and traumatizing actions victimized my first wife, and had lasting effects upon her and upon me through my relationship with her and her lifelong mental illness.

It is extremely difficult in finding a way to reach an individual, or a society, that has unconsciously made a decision to slowly and painfully commit suicide through toxicity, self-destructive, and addictive cycles, while all remain in rigorous denial of that fact, and that included me. Each toxic human being, be they any unconscious power hungry person, alcoholic, drug addict, or mentally ill person must find their own unique “bottom”, where the pain of the disease causes a desire for change, or turning point, in their lives. Insanity, loss of job, loss of family, admission to a mental health or addiction recovery facility, jail, DUI, threat of death, or near death experiences, and deaths of close friends or family members also suffering have been known to bring the desire for healing to many of us. A confrontation from those we may have harmed can have rather dramatic effects on our desire to change, as well. It took all of the negative life cycle outcomes to convince me to change behavior. Living in hell for an extended period of time brought me to death’s doorstep, yet I did survive, and the process helped me to seek for a deeper light.  I began the investigation of myself, and my family, to see what clues I could uncover.  It was a collaborative effort, and it was important not to be judgemental of those I questioned, and certainly not of myself, lest I prematurely end the path of self-discovery.

Wow!  I am surprised that you made it down this far! 

I was to find out that when I was a baby. I would be cast out of our home to the garage at night, because I cried almost non-stop, and my crying kept my father from sleeping. I was wrapped in a warm blanket, and kept in the car in the garage. This destructive isolation of a developing baby was more common in the baby boomer generation than the reader might be aware of. When the cries for love and survival go unheeded, fear becomes the primary creative companion to the developing brain of a baby. While I was still a boy, up to nearly nine years of age, it was I who nightly had horrible nightmares so terrifying that I could not get out of bed to go to the bathroom for fear of what was going to get me from inside of the closet, or under my bed.  When a baby’s mode of existence becomes informed by feedback that its cries won’t be heard, coupled with a sense of abandonment, a troubled life experience of self-doubt inevitably follows.  Probably as a result of my early training, I never completely trusted the world outside of our family, while also maintaining a troubled relationship with my father. 

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Most of my writings to family are quickly relegated to the morgues of disinterest and disaffection.  With you and your brother’s history of treatment of me, I am tempted to feel like the hood ornament on a car, to be seen, but not to be heard unless you inadvertently catch your loose shirt sleave on me.  Yet, my life has prepared me well for this.  I learned at the earliest of ages, actually as a baby, that the world (which was, initially, just my parents) was not terribly interested in my cries, and, like my parents, the world would, figuratively speaking,  rather place a warm blanket around me while storing me in a car in the garage than listen to me.

What happens when our cries go unheard?  We finally learn that either we have no value, and try to prove that sad, inaccurate falsehood in our lives through our poor choices, or we spend the rest of our lives overachieving, like my father did, proving to the world that we do have value, regardless of what our parents may have inadvertently, or intentionally, inculcated us with.  Yet, we develop a sense of self-esteem, regardless of the path that life set us upon.  And we may react, and sometimes overreact, when the world seems to toss us insults that threatens that sense of self, rather than acknowledgement of the inner goodness that we intuitively know resides within us, awaiting recognition.

The previous material should serve as a good introduction to the following personal story about one of the most challenging relationships that I was to experience in my life.  This relationship was with Donelle Mae Flick (Paullin),my childhood sweetheart, eventual wife, and mentally ill human being.  My experience with Donelle through twenty four years of a tragic relationship contains enough information to be a book in and of itself. Her life does not neatly fit into a linear time frame, and her story, just like her life was painfully disjointed, a quality that characterized both of our lives through at least 1987. Mental illness ultimately left her in a permanently broken state, regardless of the multitudes and diversity of medications administered by ‘professionals’, the follow-up care received, OR LACK OF IT, or the rest of the outer circumstances of her life.

What is it within us that causes the rest of us to have such a disproportionate reaction to other human beings?  It may be that we felt that our cries were never heard, at our most vulnerable of times, and now it is time to be loud, and ANGRY!. Gosh, whatever it is, it has driven you to write a 200 page book.  I have written seven large books, but mine are of a much different nature than yours. You tend to look more at the personal level of experience, whereas I have incorporated the collective human experience, as we both express our own version of what the “truth” might be.  My books point to sometimes unexplored areas of human awareness that appear mysterious to the uninitiated, yet they are not grimoires.  They remain unpublished, and a recent editor stated that even though they are compelling works with important information,  they need to be condensed, which will make the works much more appealing to the reader.

One fact that I know for sure:  when it comes to andragogy, the prospective teacher better be prepared for the greatest of resistance.  Almost without exception, adults would rather be teachers, than students.  We come to our understanding, or misunderstanding, in our own unique, creative ways, and our assumptions and “truths” are not readily influenced by the teachings of others, no matter how much we want to respect them and honor their “truths”.  Of course, the negative is even more true:  if the person delivering their “truth” is somebody we despise and don’t respect, we are especially prone to callously disregard them, and their message, no matter how true their message might be, or how important it might be to them, or even more tragically, to us.  One sure way to lose a potential student, and reader, is by insulting them, their intelligence, or telling known falsehoods.  We all want to be seen and heard, and seek for validation..  Rejection and exile are rarely conscious choices, yet can manifest themselves within a wounded understanding of oneself, which makes us unwise teachers for others.

One cannot heal, at the expense , and by the sacrifice, of another human being.  In the words of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:

“We are one, after all, you and I.  Together we suffer, together exist, together, forever, we recreate each other,”

Our culture loves to set heroes up, and some even take a perverse pleasure when they suffer a tragic, or humiliating, fall.  Many of us tend to excessively elevate treasured teachers and friends with cherished points of view, creating idols and worshiping them.  I know that I did that to my parents when I was young.  Yet we are greatly disappointed when we perceive that they are not who we had dreamed that they were, and that they have “clay feet”, and unworthy of our worship. The loved ones in our life, and the ones that we also may now summarily reject, never did have clay feet.  It is our emotional neediness, coupled with ignorant and incomplete perceptions that do, however.

A house divided against itself must fall.  Scapegoating others only delays one’s own entry onto the path of healing and truth.  The victims of scapegoating are never defined by the wayward and incomplete creations of their accusers but those wayward creations threaten to define the accuser’s mind. People crippled by their own pain and suffering are like the great Spanish story of Don Quixote, where he fights with the windmills, mistaking them for giants. And, fighting against all of our illusions of thought only affirms their existence, no matter how unreal that they are, while keeping us away from peace of mind and our sense of healing and wholeness.

Life, or our consciousness itself, is like climbing a step ladder.  On the lower levels of being, or consciousness, we are stuck on the ground, and our view of life rarely changes, because we defend and maintain our same perspectives.  We remain tethered to our past, which keeps us stuck within our own personal pillory. The ground level is where our traumas, hurts, resentments and hatreds define many of  our responses to the world, and weight our spirits down to the ground.  We tend to seek the victim’s role, and accepting personal responsibility for our perceptions and life experiences is too threatening to us, and remains an unattainable and misunderstood possibility.  Our vulnerability brings greatest fear and anxiety to us, and we lash out at the world, believing that by attacking the figures in our self conscious dreams, we can somehow protect our self from our own limited awareness.

Why would anybody ever want to become more consciously aware as a human being? Why would anybody ever want to explore the unknown and unknowable within one’s self, and leave the safety and security of all of one’s accumulated life experience? Why would anybody ever want to begin to question, and, potentially, then abandon, all of one’s personal knowledge, especially the memories that lead to one’s suffering? Why would anybody ever want to commit several thousand hours of their valuable time in reading about religion and spirituality, enhancing introspection, developing intuition and insight, making amends to ALL people and institutions that we have harmed through our ignorance, improving the mysterious practices of both meditation and prayer, and exploring new meetings and workshops with strangers?

Why would anybody ever want to develop the intention of transforming one’s life so as to be happier, healthier, and better connected with the greater meaning and purpose available? Why would anybody ever want to undertake the epic journey of transforming oneself, and being reborn into a new reality where the will to live and prosper is an innate part of being? Why would anybody want to take up the spiritual mantle of all consciously realized human beings who have ever lived, and attempt to carry that energy forward into a new, unique life experience, while blessing other people’s lives, as well as one’s own?  Why would anyone ever want to rocket themselves into another, infinitely more expansive vision and dimension of existence?

At some point in our evolution, our minds and hearts will grow weary enough of our sufferings, and our inner wisdom starts to reveal itself through the humility gained by our suffering, and newfound openness to have it lessened.  We begin to accept that there is a necessity for personal growth and changes, lest we remain tied to our damaged understanding of our life and our history.,  We see the ladder and become willing to climb that ladder to see our life from a higher ground, or perspective,  As we climb that ladder, step by step we see that each step up the ladder we took was important yet to continue to climb, we must let go of the last step, or we will remain stuck on that rung, with its holdings that weight us down, with that limited perspective. We realize that we must travel more lightly, or we will be resistant to ascending the ladder because of the fatigue of our extra mental weight, and we will remain stuck where we are until we let it go.  The higher we climb the more that we are able to see.  We can see those who are still on the ground, and feel compassion for them, and forgive them, for we understand that they have not yet decided to climb their own ladder of healing, and sanity.  We have empathy and compassion for those who still suffer, even if they attempt to kick our legs, or our ladder rungs, out from under us.  We understand their frustration, having experienced it ourselves at earlier times in our own lives.

.Traumatic experiences keep us pilloried to our troubled pasts, and chained to the sources of suffering. Healing is not so certain for those whose psychological damage is so profound. I have both witnessed and experienced great benefit from many people who have meditated upon their own unique illness and suffering, and we have had, literally, our trauma points reveal themselves to us, sometimes taking the form of actual ‘beings” who have taken residence within the body/mind of the sufferer. We created those beings, yet reject them through a process of disassociation. They thus float through our consciousness as though they are independent all the while directly influencing all aspects of our lives.

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.Abuse in any form is unacceptable behavior, and the source of much trauma in our youth.  The issues behind it must continue to be addressed by our awakening culture. I have left several male friendships because of spousal abuse or significant other abuse, and abandoning these friendships were some of the most excruciating, difficult actions that I have undertaken in my life. I have literally felt my heart tear from its moorings as I severed loving relationships with two men from my men’s group experience who either were active abusers or enablers.

Most mentally ill people would benefit greatly from trauma therapy. I remain hopeful that all mentally ill people will find a measure of healing for themselves, once the conditions for the application of that miracle are better supported within our society, or are mastered by individual healers within consciousness, and integrated within our collective experience.

Creating the basic conditions that support emotional and spiritual growth might be beneficial to the entirety of our human race. Men, and women have basic needs regarding personal safety, security, and placement within the society. Here are some simple, and not so simple, human needs coupled with spiritual intention:

• To belong, to feel safe while belonging, including the desire to help and protect others while helping oneself,
• To speak up, and feel like we really were heard, and not have our spirit layered over with others’ errors in reasoning and judgement,
• To be able to listen to another at the deepest level possible, and be present in the spirit of understanding, cooperation, and collaboration.
• To feel whole, and to be able to recognize that wholeness, not only within ourselves, but within all others, even those living in alternative realities.
• To love all others, as well as to be accepted, and loved, with as few conditions attached as possible. Unconditional love was never meant to be reserved just for a mothers’ love for her child, so it is a great evolutionary objective to attempt to be a channel for it.
• To evolve, for if we do not, we become subject to the forces of friction and chaos inherent within a closed mind, and system, resulting in higher physical and mental disease and dysfunction.

FAILURE TO HONOR THESE NEEDS WILL RESULT IN THE CONTINUATION OF OUR PRESENT DAY CULTURAL CHAOS AND DYSFUNCTION, WITH LITTLE POTENTIAL FOR OUR NATIONAL HEALING.

Life is 10 percent facts, and 90 percent our interpretations of those facts.  Snopes found that your book contained less than 5 percent personal  facts, and 5 percent borrowed and misstated facts from others.  Your interpretations  tend towards revisionist history, supporting your own conclusions formed in the echo chambers within your own mind tuned by your emotional and spiritual isolation from the bigger picture of LIFE and LOVE,  I could write another book pointing out the mistakes of your perceptions, and the numerous errors of your quotation of facts, but that would be another form of malpractice, much like what you tried to do in your own book.  We are all guilty of mistakes of thought, perception, and action, and we all are burdened by FAKE NEWS propagated by our family, our memories, and our society.  It is much more important to address the bigger potential of our shared human experience, than nitpick about the errors committed within our private little hell.  I will limit myself and my nitpicking, but it will be unavoidable not to address a couple egregious errors later in this writing.

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Thanks for sending to your mother your creative endeavor.  In the words of Annie Lamott, it is quite a “shitty first draft”, yet somehow you found it fit for publishing.  It read like a 4th step of Alcoholic Anonymous, except you took everybody else’s inventory, and never your own.  You have an amazing capacity to take other people’s words, misconstrue them, and use them as weapons against their own innocence.   Hatred sent out unconsciously is like a boomerang, however, and gets the sender, eventually, every time, especially when least expected.

We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It’s easy to
say ‘It’s not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.’
Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those
people my heroes.
— Fred Rogers

You WILL eventually be taking the first step towards your path to healing. Accept responsibility for yourself and your reactions, and then you can really begin, in earnest the real Hero’s Journey.  Here is a little secret for you: all that you see, and will ever see, unto eternity, is yourself. How you see yourself determines the quality of your relationships and your life experience.  If you are having a shitty experience of life, guess what?  You control your fate, destiny, and perceptions. You, and you, alone are in control.

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It is best that you continue your journey far far away from your mother. One day, healing, and humility, may dawn upon you, and you will be able to take the next step on the path of the infinite way of healing. Until then, I hope that you can find a spiritual flashlight, to keep you from falling the rest if the way into the dark chasms that you find yourself walking far too near to.  Hatred destroys bodies, while love and forgiveness heals minds and hearts.  Your mother has been present for your own long extended dying experience, having watched the death of your own innocence, beginning when you were around 11 years old.  She never abandoned you, though.  But you did not have the capacity to appreciate what she was trying to bring back to you.

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“You have to live spherically, in many directions at once.  Never lose your childish enthusiasm, and all good things will come your way.“— Federico Fellini.

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In the words of Gary Spanovich (creator of the World Peace Institute), and Louse Hay, you have to learn how to love yourself.  Loving yourself NEVER comes at the expense of others, however.  Self-righteousness with its isolation and self-pity,  and love, with its healing, forgiveness, and collaboration, do not share the same neighborhood.

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Here are some principles of toxicity that I found live in our collective consciousness, and which also once lived and thrived within the unconscious domains of my own mind and heart. I have exaggerated them, and linked them with common monetary, sexual, and personal power dynamics. These principles, or variations of these themes, are part of the Common Knowledge Game fundamentals for erroneous understanding of self and other. If they appear to mimic some of the values and principle’s underlying Donald Trump’s abhorrent behavior, then you are already paying close attention to our collective consciousness, and its dangerous and sometimes catastrophic influence on the affairs of humanity throughout our history.

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1. I am the center of the Universe. The rest of humanity is here either
   for my pleasure, for my profit, or for my disdain. I may attend a church occasionally, so that I can create the impression that I worship a higher power than myself. But, I already know that there is no higher power but me. HUMILITY IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME, and is only for the poor and weak among us.
2. Truly loving another human being is a sign of weakness, and thus I
   must continue to suppress all such impulses so that I can achieve my
   selfish goals. I will carry on a campaign of hatred, judgement, and
   condemnation of all people unlike myself, all the while claiming to
   represent their interests at the highest level of my being (with
   subtlety, if one is of the passive/aggressive nature) . The ignorant
   people populating my world will hopefully associate my hateful behavior with their understanding of what love is, thus damaging the hearts and souls of all who may fear, respect, and/or follow me. My schizophrenia will be confusing to others, but may still be normalized, as others that I have influenced model and support my behavior.
3. People are most valuable if they can be monetized. If I can’t make
   money from my relationship with people, then I don’t necessarily need them. They will have to prove that they belong in my life in some other selfish self-serving ways.
4. Never admit that I am wrong. Always blame somebody else for my
   problems. The admission of guilt is a sign of weakness, and only for
   those who do not have sufficient monetary and legal power. I don’t need your forgiveness for my mistakes, because, as far as you should be concerned, I do not ever make mistakes.
5. I have a right to choose how much drugs and alcohol that I consume. I
   do not need feedback from others telling me that I am abusing my
   medicine and/or alcohol. I have earned the right to drink as much as I feel like, because I have so much stress in my life, and I make so many sacrifices that I deserve an extra break and release through excessive
   alcohol and;/or drug consumption. I do not have a problem, and if you think that I have a problem with my chemicals, then it is your
   misunderstanding, and not my own.
6. Never spend any time in self-reflection or meditation. Developing
   insight is difficult and time-consuming, and I have more important
   things to do I am already perfect, I always have been perfect, and
   everybody else needs to change to accommodate my needs. If I am not
   “perfect” today, I always have someone, or something, else to blame.
7. I have a right to use my strong emotions to intimidate and threaten
   anybody that I need to in order to get my way. My anger is a weapon, to be wielded whenever necessary, and its expression is my first selection from my arsenal of control tools in manipulating and controlling my world.
8. If I can’t get my way with another human being, then I will cajole or
   bully them into submission, or attack their name and character, and/or impugn their dignity, until they either submit, or are discredited by my allies.
9. Everybody unlike me should be distrusted. Relationships built
   through mutual trust and collaboration can be threatening to my
   short-term goals, and should not be cultivated, as only alliances of
   hate and distrust are capable of bringing me to my goals.
10. The people in our lives tend to be more suited to be our personal possessions than self-sufficient, independent people, and are not to be treated as equals.  They are better suited for exploitation for family support, sexual purposes and/or economic gain
11. If I can’t get my way through truth-telling, then the telling of lies
    becomes my most potent weapon. If I am caught in a lie, then it is only
    your misunderstanding of my point, and not what I said, that is wrong.
    If I tell the same lie often enough, then people will start to accept
    the lie as the truth.
12. If there is no conflict currently in progress, then I must start
    creating the conditions for the next one, and socially position myself
    so that I can maximize emotional profits and visibility for myself. I never will obtain enough money, power, sex, or attention to keep me
    happy. I must continue to pursue these needs to extremes in order to
    keep me from becoming depressed and losing my sense of personal value in this world. If I achieve my goals, and I am still unhappy, I must set new goals to attempt to fill that big hole in my heart and soul.
13. The powers of my sexuality reigns supreme. My sexual desires always points me in the right direction, regardless of the people who may be hurt by my wayward sexual desires. My self-esteem is dependent on how many people that I can convince to make love to me, and nobody is immune from my advances. One is too many, and a thousand is not enough, when it comes to sexual conquests.
14. I am the king of my home. I have created my kingdom to serve my
    selfish needs. If my rules are not honored, and my intentions for the
    family do not hold up, and family members start to stray, I will coerce,
    cajole, or threaten all wayward members with violence, if necessary.
    The family must stay together under my control, no matter what the cost to others might be.
15. Perfectionism and full control of others should not be mutually
    exclusive propositions. I will judge, criticize, and condemn others, and
    myself, as needed, to bring all of my world into alignment with how I
    think that it should be. I will compare and contrast my wealth and
    success with others to establish the best baseline for my expectations
    and behavior. My wife and my children are first and foremost my
    possessions. I will direct and control as necessary, and nobody else has
    any right to criticize my choices in how I provide and care for them
    My whole sense of self-esteem is derived by how deeply they honor and obey me, without argument or back talk. I do not want or need alternate points of view, as my view is the only view that is relevant.
16. If those closest to me engage in betrayal, and destroy my sacred
    relationship with my family, I must avenge myself, and destroy all who have threatened my life and values. My partner is my property, and my property alone. If they should ever have an affair with another person, I reserve the right to punish them and my family, up to, and including, murdering them. If I must die in the process, it is a good death for me.
17. Self sabotage is my unconscious need. It is my right to destroy my
    creations even as I destroy myself, so murder-suicide is an acceptable
    option in the extreme, when my needs have been dishonored, and I feel that I have no more options to improve my life situation.
18. I have been a failure since I never measured up to my father’s, my mother’s, my church’s, or my society’s standards. I will continue to self-sabotage my
    success at ever bend in life’s road, and I will see life as a
    self-fulfilling prophesy of incompleteness and loss. I will not even
    question that my life has other possibilities for it, and I will resign
    myself to my depressing fate.
19. I reserve the right to murder anybody, when it suits my needs to
    protect myself. I will justify my possession and use of firearms through quoting the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, as well as pointing to the fear and threats in our world, and our country as my own justification for stockpiling weapons. I will not listen to reason, as
    my mind is made up, and you can have my weapons after “prying them from my cold, dead hands” (thanks NRA, and the late mega-asshole Charlton Heston).
20. Hey, just fill in the blank here with your own favorite.

This list is the abbreviated list, as aspects of our collective selfishness
covers the entire range of human darkness. Human beings burdened by toxicity tend towards sexism, racism, isolation, poor judgement against all
others unlike themselves, and low self-esteem, while people moving towards
spiritual healing tend to unite with others in peace and mutual
acceptance, and a willingness to share an improving sense of their self
with the world.

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These Toxic Humanity Values and Principles underpin much of the
Common Knowledge Game, which is the modern name for the phenomenon of socialized understanding of self and the other. As the wise ones
advise: To change my world, I first change myself. There is terrorist, a Nazi, that lives deep down within all of us. Once we have addressed our darkness, and healed it through bringing our light to it (insight), it loses its power to unconsciously control us. Then, when we go out into the world to subdue the evil that sometimes erupts in dank, dark places, we can fight the actual enemies, and not waste energy fighting projections of our unhealed self. The fundamental oppressive force in the human universe is not our wayward political or social agendas, it is the human mind itself.

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Be careful in there!

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Punch A Nazi Sign at June 2018 Portland, Oregon Rally for Immigrants and their families

By far and away, the majority of the violence against other human beings, and planet Earth, erupts from within the unhealed, unconscious minds and lives of toxic human beings, and, unfortunately, most of them are men..

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Please, heal yourself, and save the world.

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Recovery is not just for heavy drinkers and/or abusers of drugs, it is for people who want to make positive, life affirming and healing changes in their lives…It is for people desiring to shed toxic attitudes and behavior, and experience a more loving, collaborative effort with life.

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It is a long, happy life, for those who find the personal Truth that leads to enhanced connection, forgiveness, empathy, and compassion for others.  It is something much less pleasant and desirable for those who don’t.

12 Steps Revised To Reflect My Spiritual Experience

1. Through our own extended suffering, we finally found the desire to want it to end. We admitted that when we become self-destructively habituated to any substance, situation, or relationship, we lose our freedom of choice, bring unnecessary trauma into our lives, and into the lives of others, and, thus, fail to achieve any lasting sense of inner peace and joy. We finally realize that our lives have been lived unconsciously, and have become unmanageable as a result of that neglect.

2. With our new found hope and openness for change, came the desire to begin to awaken to higher possibilities for our lives. We realized that, in our essence, we have an interior, though neglected, power that will heal us and restore us to balance, if we pursue it in earnest. We now realize that we have not been living up to our full potential as human beings.

3. We made a decision to turn our will, and our lives, over to the care of our higher interior power. We become open to the possibility of embracing a new Truth for our lives. We want to access the power to continuously evolve, and we want to cultivate our heart to be more loving to ourselves and to others. We decide to let go of ANYTHING that impedes our progress towards happiness, healing and wholeness. We realize that without the deepest of desires, and intentions, to change our behavior, we will not be transformed.

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We have lived a life without a high sense of self-esteem, and we have made unfortunate choices because of the scarcity consciousness that has resulted from it. We realize that when we find the blocks to our evolution, and become willing to remove them, our new found insight will guide our paths with precision to the Truth of our existence. We do not blame others for our misfortune or mistakes, accepting full personal responsibility for all of our perceptions and behaviors.  This is our entrance onto the path of mindfulness and higher consciousness.

5. We admitted that we were not being truthful with ourselves and with others, and by talking with another who we may trust, yet not be beholden to, about our errors in judgement and in actions towards our self and others, we can better deal with the shame and self-judgement that so often arises from the deadly secrets that we once felt that we must keep. Just by honestly talking with someone else, our burdens can be lifted. Our secrets need no longer keep us imprisoned, and mentally ill. When two or more people come together in the spirit of truth and honesty, mutual compassion and empathy also become part of the gathering.

6.We became entirely willing to let go of our attachments to unhealthy attitudes, behavior, and hurtful perceptions of other people. We wish to see clearly, without the limitations of our past, of our family history, and of our cultural conditioning, with all of their embedded trauma.

7. We open our hearts through humility and the willingness to change to embrace a new possibility for our life. Our new found sense of connection with our higher interior power inspires us to become more grateful for the gifts that we now have, and we are now spiritually preparing to finally give back to the world in a meaningful, positive way. We want to finally let go of all of the emotional charged memories which keep us trapped in a dead past. Rejoice, for the old demons are being transformed into the new angels!

8. While we were unconscious to our higher potential as human beings, we brought emotional, spiritual and perhaps even physical harm to other innocent beings, and we want to try bring healing and peace to those who have suffered from the effects of our ignorance. We realize that through the mirror of all of our relationships, dysfunctional or otherwise, we are granted a view into how we truly see ourselves. We want to see through the eyes of Truth, and not through the pain and suffering that unfulfilled relationships may have brought to us.

9. We made direct amends wherever possible to all people we may have brought harm to, except when to do so would bring further injury to them or to others. Our guilt will not be assuaged at the expense of others. We make full application of our new found wisdom, and our renewed desire to bring no harm to any sentient being. We want our world, and our own personal sense of self, to feel safe from further attacks from us, and our honest disclosure of our mistakes to those impacted by our errors in judgement will continue to support that intention.

10. We continued to take personal inventory, and, when wrong, promptly admit it. We have become honest with ourselves. We practice mindfulness, and continue to develop our capacity for insight into ourselves. We now know ourselves, and we now know many of the potential impediments to experiencing and expressing the Truth of our being. We no longer solely abide in old modes of thought, and now we are more focused on the beauty of the present moment.

11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the Truth of our being, praying only for knowledge of Truth, and the willingness to live within its infinite domain. We now understand that this whole process of recovery is a meditation on life, and that the evolving, healing life that we are now experiencing is our living prayer. Each time we drink from the deep interior waters revealed to us by meditation, more of our painful dreams are dissolved. We finally realize that the capacity to change, to evolve, to grow in our infinite spirit is the whole point of our human existence. We are now traveling upon new paths of consciousness.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we attempted to carry our message of recovery to our world, while continuing to practice these principles in all our affairs. We have finally become whole, and are now conscious, caring human beings. We have accepted full personal responsibility for our lives, including healing our past, and keeping our present balanced and harmonious, and we no longer blame others for who we are now. We are now experiencing prosperity on many levels, and have witnessed the healing of ourselves. We have saved the world—from ourselves. Our life is now our truest teacher. The world  has been saved FROM US.  We realize that we have no power to bring salvation to others, yet, it is our responsibility to point to the way of healing for others who may still be suffering, and who may finally become interested in overcoming their own limitations.

A human being may have had a safe, loving upbringing, yet that fact does not have ultimate significance in the evolution towards good mental health and well-being as an adult. Avoiding a childhood characterized by physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse is certainly a desirable and necessary foundation for strong, healthy children, and parents have an immense responsibility for all relevant support.. . Yet normal, strong, healthy children will not necessarily avoid the adversity of broken adult-hoods, and all will eventually bear witness to the devastating effects of suffering on self and/or on others. The cultivation of a few friendships within Alcoholics Anonymous meetings or in homeless shelters, warehoused disabled senior citizens in long term care facilities, communication with military veterans suffering from injuries from battle and/or post-traumatic stress disorder, volunteering at sites of climate change inspired catastrophes like hurricanes, flooding, and tornadoes, working at a domestic violence shelter or as a medical professional, or manning a suicide hotline, will bring home some painful truths for those who have not yet personally experienced misery and hardship.

Broken adults can become the very foundation upon which insight into the nature of destructive aspects of human nature and consciousness can arise from. Those who have survived the journey through the depths of hell can develop the capacity to show others how to avoid or escape misery’s grasp. And, perhaps, they can save a future child from the need to write a several hundred page book about escaping our culture’s conspiracy of silence that few people have the time, understanding, willingness or the capacity to be interested in. If I were requested to read somebody else’s account of the collective disease within human consciousness, while I was still in denial of its damaging impacts, I would have little interest, as well, save if it was required reading for a book club.

SOME MEN, AND WOMEN, JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN. WHEN YOU BURN THAT ILL-ADVISED BOOK OF YOURS, YOU CAN REBUILD A REAL,LOVING WORLD WITH THE REST OF US.

(from the eulogy that I wrote for my father’s funeral)

It was tough watching my father deteriorate the last several years of his life, yet, I found a way to love that man on deeper and more profound levels, as I continued to release my own expectations of how he should be, and how he should live.  His sole concerns became his love for his dog, Rocky, and maintaining residence in his own home until his own death.  He had lost all short-term memory, and was basically unteachable the last 5 years of his life, though he maintained his dignity, his sense of self, and his love for his children, including my wife Sharon.

The last conversation that I had with my father was 6 hours before his death.  This is what we exchanged with each other:

Dad, you are still in bed, and its 2:30 in the afternoon, what’s up, it’s such a beautiful day outside.

You know son, I am always tired now, but I am about to get up.

Well, Dad, this might be the last sunny day in a long time, so why don’t you get up, and go out on the porch and have a cigar?  I’ll put a chocolate bar on your table, and a drink for you.

I’ll get right up son.  By the way, who is caring for me this evening?

Well, Dad, Madison is caring for you this evening.

Oh, poor Madison!

Dad, Madison benefits by being with you, as you do with her.

I will be with you beginning this Sunday morning, and I will be with you for the next three weeks as usual.  You know we are planning one final trip to Hawaii with you, right?

Oh son, I am happy just staying at home.  I have everything that I need here.

Well, OK dad.  I am going to leave now, as I need to prepare for Marty’s funeral tomorrow.

When will I see you again, son?

Dad, it will be Sunday morning, OK?

OK, son, you know that I am dependent on you.  Please take care of yourself.

Oh, dad, you know that I am dependent on you, too.  You be careful too!

I love you, son.

I love you too, Dad.

I leave his room, not knowing this is to be our last exchange.

The next day, at 10:58am, as I stand in back of the hearse, as a pall bearer in Marty Crouch’s funeral, I prepare to receive Marty’s body to place into the hearse.  I receive a call from Madison (a caregiver whom I had hired to help during the Monday through Friday work week), which I cannot take, so I hand the phone to Sharon.  Sharon is informed that my father is deceased.  Sharon has to leave the service for our body.

My father really knew how to place his unique stamp on my life!

In retrospect, My father only appeared to cast a shadow over my life.  It was up to me to find my own unique voice, in my search for my own truth, so that I could arise from my own self-imposed shadows, and be with him as a partner on love’s endless journey.  Those who did not learn to love my father, missed out on one of my life’s most precious gifts, yet there are many other opportunities to bring light into our own lives. 

The healing journey that I had with my father could be considered miraculous by some, yet it is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Yes, that healing will die with me, as I have no heirs.  Yet, the love that we shared, as a family, will live forever in the mind and heart, of God.  And, the love that my father was to experience through the final years of my care for him was the voice that he was finally able to listen to, that he was finally able to acknowledge and feel blessed by.

Gosh, your mother must have really hated you.  Gosh, you must have really hated your mother.  And, you must have really hated your son. And, your son must have really hated you.  Of course, none of the previous four statements are true.  Yet, you appear to have missed Life’s golden opportunity to learn compassion and empathy for your mother, through your own confused experience with your own son. What a bunch of confused control dramas!  Like in all lasting relationships, we must become willing to collaborate, rather than trying to control, and taking each other hostage.

I witness a dramatic call for love on your part, and you express a profound need for spiritual healing.  Love and healing go together.  Hatred, judgement, alliances of lies and half-truths, disease, and isolation go together too.

It is not too late to heal, but you will have to reduce your own oppressive need to manipulate and control your world to conform to your expectations, and let the world, and your family, define for you what their needs are.  We are all quite aware of what you need, regardless of the 200 pages you have written.  When you stop impaling the divine feminine within your mother you can more completely  embrace the divine feminine within yourself.

The real heroes journey is not cataloging the mistakes and sins of others, and clinging to our dysfunction as if were divinely ordained, it is taking responsibility for your own life, for you are the creator, and the experience, of your own reality.  When you save the world from YOU, then you can join with the other true heroes of the human spirit.

Good luck,

And, don’t be in a hurry to write your second book.  There is already too much hatred and divisiveness in our world.  Your anti-hero Donald Trump would be proud of the walls that you build, and the bridges that you burn.  It is sad, and too bad, that you won’t be with your own mother in her time of living, and dying.  She remains with you, even as you attempt to claim life and health for yourself, while self destructively affirming your own spiritual death.

You will continue to be loved by us, and, perhaps, one day you will even learn how to love yourself, and love your world back. You were never expelled from our world, you rejected your own healing potential, and needed to travel your own path as far away from forgiveness as you could.  Yet that does not have any impact upon our forgiveness for you, which remains constant.

You only harm yourself in isolation.  You only heal yourself with forgiveness for others, and collaboration with all…

What is it within you that causes you to have such a disproportionate reaction to those who have earned, and deserve, your love?

There remains a hopeful inner child within you, still wrapped in the warm, loving blankets of innocence,  Your mother never placed you in the garage at night to hide Bill and her from your cries.  You had taken on that roll for yourself, yet maybe you are awakening to another possible response?

Someday your spirit will prepare you to travel new, healing paths of awareness.  Someday, you will let go of the outdated controls that you continue to be dominated from your dead past, and its mistaken understanding of the present moment.  Someday you will understand that there is no therapist, friend, teacher, or book that can grant you the freedom that your heart yearns for, as healing is your own unique responsibility, as you learn to forgive, and let go of, your control dramas.

Who do you want to emulate, Donald Trump, who burns bridges, and builds walls, or Joe Biden, who unifies people, and collaborates with all?   Bill Graves, or Sharon White?  It is quite the mishmash of all possibilities that the world now witnesses in you. It is YOUR CHOICE how to express your self, and no one else’s..

The universe laughs with us, when we can humbly accept the inadequacies of our incomplete, unhealed perceptions.  The universe cries with us, when we accept as truth  our falsehoods.

You are free to choose again.

Your “stairway to heaven” awaits you.  Take that first step up onto that only ladder to true success that is available to all human beings. Make the beauty of the truth of Now the focus of your life, rather than the ugliness of the misunderstood

“I chose to forgive.  I chose to stay vigilant to any signs of anger or hate in my heart.  They took thirty years of my life.  If I couldn’t forgive, if I couldn’t feel joy, that would be like giving them the rest of my life.  The rest of my life is MINE!“—Anthony Ray Hinton (wrongly imprisoned for thirty years on death row in a small cubicle)

The sun shines, and the artist interprets its light upon the beautiful landscape, and paints a classic piece of art. The wolf howls in the lonely, cold, snow-covered wilderness, and, miraculously, another wolf a great distance away howls back at him, reassuring both that each other is still there. The bird sings alone in the forest, yet, a hiker stops for a moment, listens, and her heart begins to sing and soar with the bird. The divorced and lonely man sings in the shower, and the salesman at the door hears him, and is so impressed by the man’s voice that he encourages him to try out for a local band. An isolated man stumbles upon the miracle of silence within his being, and a resultant bridge of words subsequently connects this sacred silence to his latest writings, creating beloved poetry and healing balms for all.

And, no, one who chooses not listen, in whatever form you may appear in my life, now, or in the far distant future, it no longer matters if you hear me, appreciate me, or acknowledge me for who I am.

My true voice is love, and it is up to the listener to resonate with me, or not to.

In the end, it is your choice, and only your choice:

:White wolf or Black Wolf?

Bruce (“Buck”)

There is a story:

Once upon a time an old man ran through the streets shouting:

“HATRED, UNFORGIVENESS, DISEASE, DESPAIR—–LOVE HEALS!!!
HATRED, UNFORGIVENESS, DISEASE, DESPAIR——LOVE HEALS!!!”

For a while, people stopped to hear, to think, and to discuss the problem. As time went by and nothing happened, they finally went back about their business. Finally, one day, a child stepped in front of the man to say, as he ran by,

“Old man, no one is listening to you”
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So, the man stopped to say

“Oh, I know that.”

The boy was puzzled.

“Then if you know that you have failed, then why do you go on shouting?”

and the old man answered

“Oh, child, you do not understand. I do not shout in order to change them. I shout so that they cannot change me”

LOVE’S REUNION (poem by Bruce Paullin)

I stumbled over the frozen wilderness for oh, so long!

With a hole in my heart that life could just not fill

Until I stopped to rest, and heard a gentle voice singing a long forgotten song

That promised of my release from this winter world of painful chill

Her lyrics spoke of the return of Life to freedom

And the release of shivering minds from darkness’ frozen, fearful hands

She drew me closer without any further verbal tethers

And prepared me for the walk back to Love’s now awakening lands

Her warming presence melted the icy hardness that I used to know

Inspiring within me the courage, to myself and my world, to say

That, to all of my past memories’ barren trees of lifeless knowledge, I now refuse to go

I will now accept only the lessons learned along Love’s Infinite Way

Yes, she met me while I was with the dark companion

But it was to her pleasure to take me home to share her loving lights

And give me the shelter of Love’s never setting summer sun

She changed my cold mourning into happier, heavenly nights!

By freely offering of herself and all of her sacred charms

She moves me through life’s clamorous valleys unto its silent peaks

I can now retire from a life of fruitless wanderings

To live in the Source of Peace of which mankind forever seeks

Her life is resplendent with Wisdom, Strength, and Beauty

For these are the robes with which she clothes her being

The gift of Love now unwraps before my inviting eyes

To reveal her ecstatic vision, which is now all-seeing

My search for Truth and Love Sublime has finally ended

For, I now fill my empty cup from her joyous running streams

I have reunited with my eternally fulfilling lover

And, her healing waters dissolve all of my painful dreams

I only seek to remain within her all-embracing arms

While through all life she extends her ever unfolding surprise

My first waking breath each morning brings the certainty

That, from my bed, joined as one, we again shall arise

My broken heart and shattered life is finally mending

And, wedded to her life, I now call her my faithful bride

Life no longer has a fearful road ahead to travel

For, One with Healing on Love’s lighted path, I now gratefully stride

It’s been nearly 9 months since the advent of the pandemic in the US….and winter is looming. Mental health issues related to our lock down and the pandemic are especially hard for people with depression and other mental health disorders. NAMI, The National Alliance on Mental Health has a 24-hour helpline: 800-950-6264. The relapse and overdose rate has increased by 30% since March 2020.  There is help, and a kind, listening ear available, should you find the need for an extra set of ears.