The Tricksters, and Spiritual Realization (to be combined with book #3: here is edited excerpt from Book #8)_

There are two tricksters in all of our lives.  The number one trickster arises from a benevolent, though misunderstood, aspect of our shared human nature.  It begins its life as our experience of unconditional love, as characterized by our initial relationship with our mother.  initially, this is a non-verbal state of awareness, and it is in the same positive valence as the level of being as described by mystics and saints that experience divine love.  As a being experiencing unconditional love, we trust our loving source, and intuitively know that our own sacred voice is being heard, that our calls for love and acceptance are always answered.  We have an intuitive certainty that this presence is here for our greatest good.  This life affirming reality becomes a deceptive trickster, however, once we are ejected from our “Garden of Eden” and begin to search for our lost heritage in the world of words and forms.

The number two trickster is our cumulative experience of conditional love, as characterized by our initial relationship with our father.  Our subsequent relationships to all others, including brothers and sisters and the rest of the family, as well as all others, contribute to this category as well.  There is no shortage of words used to describe these relationships, which span the whole spectrum of simple connections through complex interrelationships.  The number two trickster is our first awareness that others exist that are not of the nature of our “divine mother”, and do not immediately, or many times appropriately, respond to our calls for love.   We have an ever present insecurity and uncertainty that this presence is always here for our greatest good.  Trust between parties is not automatic, being earned through time, depending upon the level of emotional safety and physical security offered between the parties that their mutual needs will be honored.

Most of our relationships will be characterized by the uncertainty that our calls for love and acceptance will be universally accepted.   all others who also engage in all manners and degrees of the fragmentation incurred through all such less than unconditionally loving and transactional relationships.  We never have the certainty that our voices are ever being heard when in conditional relationships.  This is the area where (1) the control, domination and oppression of others, (2) the  submission to others with the repression of our self, or  (3) unique environmentally stimulated cycling between (1) and (2), become operative.  .The subsequent fragmentation and disfigurement of all of our relationships continues with our limited understanding of love as we age and attempt to seek that which may appear to be unattainable through relationships to others.

.(insert story about garage)

These two loci of understanding and experience morph through the years of our evolution, or degradation, depending upon our intention to heal and bring freedom to ourselves and to others, or our intention to hold our world hostage, and only accept people to the point that they adhered to our expectations.  In the negative, these tricksters become the “black holes” that suck all of the light and love out of our life.

In the positive, after healing, these tricksters are transformed into “white lights” where the potential for all of the healing potential of life and love resides.  Some even believe that the search for God may even be a journey created through a longing for the lost sense of the unconditional love that we experienced prior to our conscious state of being.  In fact, many who finally experience “God” relate to it as an ineffable experience, though replete with the experience of intense love and connection with the entirety of life.  Jesus of Nazareth was to characterize the divine power within himself by the following statement:

“of myself I am nothing.  The father within me, he doeth the works”.

It was not until Christian Science was revealed that men were awakened to the right of claiming for themselves the same Father Jesus acknowledged; and it is through this same revelation that they are learning that to possess the understanding of our relationship with God must result in spiritual empowerment. Christians for nearly two thousand years have been taught to pray, “Our Father which art in heaven;” yet this heaven is our reconciliation with trickster number two.  When our “father” hears our love, we are once again reunited in the oneness of a healed, “divine” relationship with not only the objects of our verbal understanding, the images that we have created out of our own ignorance, but also with trickster number one, our images, or idols, built to bridge the chasm between our non-verbal divine mother state, and our present moment awareness of our self.

Healing happened in two major installments for me.  First, my relationship with my mother, and, ultimately, the divine feminine that unconditional love represents to us as human beings  Second, my relationship with my father, and, ultimately, the divine masculine that a healed understanding of the wholeness and unity of life provides.

My search for Truth had led me back on the path to my parents, and was about to give me wings, and enable me to fly far beyond my previous limitations of understanding.

On May 24, 1987, as I was driving toward Beaverton to visit Randy, a wonderful vision came to me. It was the vision of a loving mother, holding a baby, and I felt the love of this wonderful UNIVERSE for the first time in my lifetime.  Conspicuous by its absence during this loving, apparently divinely inspired event was any reference to the “father” energy. At this initial point in my healing, my own Spirit sought a new balance that only could be found by the integration of a feminine, nurturing energy into my personal biosphere.

There is the love we have for each other, for our friends, our pets, our children, our families, but this love that I felt flow into me, and though me, transported me into a heightened awareness, and an awe. The beauty was too great to talk about, the feeling so overwhelming, so healing, so resurrecting. I had to stop my car on Canyon Blvd, and I got down on my knees and prayed my thankfulness to a CREATIVE FORCE that finally had found me receptive, and open, to its presence.

.I drove  to Randy’s house, the friend who had housed me when I began my search for truth, and I met with him for the first time since a blackout drunk experience that I had with him two months before.. Randy could not believe his eyes, he said

“Bruce, what has happened to you? You look different, you look happy. You look at peace. You have changed!!!”

Yes, I had changed. I started talking to Randy about my experience, and Randy started to get tingling sensations up and down his spine. The hairs on his arms starting sticking up straight off of his arms! Randy exclaimed

“Bruce, what is going on. When you talk, I start to tingle all over. What has happened?”

“Well, I think that I am having an experience with God, Randy.”, I said.

Randy then said that such an experience was not for him right now, but he sure was happy that I was having it, because I needed something different in my life really bad, and really quick. How right he was!

So, Randy was there at the beginning of so much of the important/ significant events in my life. And, he was there at their end, as well. I could not take Randy into my new-found world of love and happiness, I could only share, ever so briefly, my personal experience of it.

The second major component of my healing experience was to begin in earnest 29 days later, on June 22, 1987.

On this day, I was hiking up to Larch Mountain, a beautiful peak that overlooks the Columbia River valley.  From its vantage point it also oversees all of the major mountain peaks of the area. In the ancient times, I was to learn several years later by a tribal member this area was imbued with the energy of the Great Spirit, and considered sacred ground by the indigenous people, who came to this area from miles around to honor their spiritual heritage, and to hold their sacred ceremonies and prayer rituals.

I arrived at the top, and allowed myself to become as quiet as my mind would allow for. I slowly did a 360 degree rotation, observing for the many miles around me, in all directions, the incredible beauty of the area, including the mountain peaks of Rainier, Adams, St. Helens, Hood, Jefferson, and the great winding river called the Columbia River. It felt as if I were on the top of a great observatory, and, today, I was the only person with this special view, and I was quite grateful just to be alive, and to have this privilege.

I bypassed a guard rail, and I then climbed around the rocky peak so as to be hidden from the view from anyone who might follow me up to the observation area. With the additional privacy that I had created for myself, I then felt comfortable enough to begin to pray and meditate for just a little while. I was quite poor at this activity, as my body still had mild tremors, and my mind refused to quiet itself. But, at least I made myself available to Spirit, in the way that felt appropriate to me.

My nervous system was still quite compromised from all of the poisoning caused by the chemistry experiments masquerading as methamphetamine/crank that I had ingested over the 18 months prior to March 22nd of this year, in addition to my continued abuse of alcohol during that period. At this point, on June 22nd, I had been clean and sober for 3 months, but a total healing or recovery seemed out of the question at this point. I had been a drug addict and alcoholic, more or less, since I was 15 years old, but the last 18 months of my disease and insanity had really taken a toll. My health was improving a little, but I still was having physical tremors, almost identical to those of Parkinson’s disease, and I was also experiencing the psychological discomfort of “hearing voices”, an activity within my mind which consisted, at this point, of mentally generated internal thought based feedback about whatever I was observing, or doing at the time.

The “voices” were nothing more than my own thoughts, yet, in my mind, they appeared to be coming from a center not quite of my self, but of something, or some nature, not quite me. I was literally “out of phase” with myself. It was also like having a play by-play announcer operating in my mind, who mentally verbalized everything that was happening, as it happened, with no color commentary added to it.  The insanity expressed through a “third person” perspective, with a running monologue documenting anything that my consciousness was focusing on at any particular moment. I had an uncomfortable relationship with this mental feedback, and I dare not report this to medical professionals.. I feared that I would be hospitalized, or placed on the same destructive medications that I had seen administered to my mentally ill ex-wife. I had resigned myself to a life of marginal mental health, at best.

A light, warm breeze carried the fragrance of the nearby pine trees to me, drawing me away from the problems of my body, and of my mind. I continued to be absorbed by the beauty of the area, and the majesty of the unobstructed views. The mountain peaks began to feel closer to me, for some as yet unknown reason. I felt as though I could reach out and touch each of them. The river far below me felt close, very close, and the whole panorama seemed to be drawing nearer to me, and I began experiencing everything in a different way than I ever had before. And, for the 2nd time in a month, I started feeling a little “different”.

A month ago I had experienced a “vision” of a loving, divine mother holding her baby, and, with its presence, all of my loneliness and depression had lifted. I attributed that temporary healing to the presence of the vision, and there had been a love that had flowed into me during its presence. The “vision” had disappeared, but it had left its memory of a beautiful, unconditional love, and with it, traces of hope, and the expectations that something was to follow, of some as yet unknown nature. Well, something was following now, and it was “closer than breathing, nearer than hands and feet”.

A voice inside of my head then stated, with its typical matter of fact nature, “HE IS HAVING AN EXPERIENCE WITH GOD”. I was no longer separate from that which I was viewing. Everything revealed itself as an extension of my own self, of my own true nature. For the first time in my existence, I could see that, as far as I can see, all that I will ever see, unto eternity, is my own self. Then, with a sense of all of my thoughts now being my own, I asked myself “how will I see myself today?”

I saw that all of humanity, and, all of nature itself, was my true family. I saw that everybody was either my brother, or my sister, in this new, true nature that was revealed within me. I looked within myself, and for the first time in my life, I only saw myself, as well. The third person monologue had stopped!! I held my hands out before me, and my hands, which usually shook so bad that I could not even write my signature clearly, or use a spoon to eat from a bowl without making a mess, were steady! Peace had finally found me on a mountain peak, and I had finally found my true self. And, I had finally found that life, that TRUTH, I had been seeking since I know not when. And, a man who felt isolated for most of his life felt compelled to search for “my people”, which began a brand new journey of hope, connection, and healing with all others.

I also had finally found what real recovery is. It is not just stopping drinking alcohol and the cessation of drug use. It is the decrease, and, ultimately, the elimination of all patterns of thought that keep me from caring for this world, and for all of the life upon it. I can’t be alive, and live life fully and holistically, without loving my fellow-man, and all of the beautiful, divine life upon our planet.

When I think of the love that I might have for a newborn baby, or my favorite pet, I feel that love completely, with no self-consciousness, and with no reservations at all. I spare none of my heart or soul. But when I think of that family member or acquaintance who can cause so much distress, so much anger, can I give the same love that I would give for my baby to that person who I am distressed with? If I can’t let go of those negative emotions, then that is an example of my separation from God, or the truth of that present moment relationship. Today I choose to let go of all the emotional controls that keep me out of touch with others, and with myself.

I don’t have to travel to the underworld again to find that truth.

“WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE?”

became not only the question of that day, but now, also the question for my life, whenever I start to feel “disconnected”.

“My people” are now only a smile away.

I was guided to drive to NE 73rd and Glisan, where the US Postal Service’s EAP program was based.  I walked into the door, and I was greeted by both Larry and Mike (Mike visited me in the Care Unit 3 years before, and Larry was the director of the EAP since I could remember).  I called out to them by name, yet neither man immediately recognized me.   When I mentioned my name, they were both blown away.  I was happy, or, more precisely, ebullient, and Mike said that I was simply “radiant”.   They wanted to know what was going on with me, and I stated, with a matter of fact attitude, that I was having a “spiritual experience”, and they both gave me a huge hug and acknowledgement.  Inspired by this reception, I returned to the Main Post Office, and checked in with the Personnel Department, where Eleanor Workman was the head of the department.  She immediately recognized me, and then offered me an application to reapply for my “lost” position.

“No thank you, Eleanor, I just wanted to express my apologies for working for this company in such an unhappy manner for so many years”.

She stated that I could get the job back with little problem, since the Post Office knew that they fired me even though I was still a practicing alcoholic.  I then stated that what would make me the happiest is if she could schedule a meeting between me and the head of Plant Maintenance, John Zimpleman.  Well, he was “in”, so I went right up, and I had a direct opportunity to make amends to him for my poor performance from 1980-1985.  He greeted me warmly, listened to my story, was quite impressed, and then stated that he wished his son could discover what I just found, because John Jr.  was rapidly descending to my former level.  Wow, this day of amends went so well, I remained ecstatic about all future interpersonal possibilities.

One day that next week, while visiting our world famous Powell’s Book Store on Burnside in Portland, I saw my old psychiatrist, Dr. Dan Beavers.  He was standing in the metaphysical section of the book store.  I walked up to him, and he did not immediately recognize me.  I stuck my hand out to him, and re-introduced myself to him.

“Bruce, this can’t be you, can it?  Last time I saw you, I was wondering how much longer you could survive if the medication did not turn your life around.”

“Dan, the medication worked just fine.  I never used it, at least not in the way that you would have intended for me to use it.  I finally found a new way to live life without medication, drugs, or alcohol.  I now accept full personal responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and activities”.

“Bruce, that is the desired outcome for all of my patients.  Congratulations on your success!”

I gave Dr. Dan a hug, and apologized for using him like a tool in my effort to manipulate my former employer, the US Postal Service.  He said that I did not need to make amends to him, and that he was there for me to serve all of my needs, whether I considered them dysfunctional or otherwise.  But it still felt good to see Dr. Dan and show him my healthier sense of self.  I was to never see Dr. Dan again.  When I recently saw his obituary for his premature death in 2015,  I felt great sorrow, and cried.

The prison guard with one of the primary keys to release me from my own spiritual imprisonment remained my own unhealed relationship with my father. Overcoming a lifetime of oppression and control by others is no easy task. It also must be done clean and sober, for the true depth and healing of the experience to permanently take hold. I began a new relationship with my father, starting with my new-found sobriety. The real fruits of healing from that relationship was not to become apparent until many, many years later. when I began care for my father during his dementia and his dying times, from 2011-2017.