This is what I do while on my “creative cloud”. I am a writer, after all. Someday, I may even find interested readers (my take on insight, self awareness, “mindfulness and meditation”, and spiritual evolution are not riveting subjects for the vast majority of Americans)!
I have included several links to other blog posts, and even a book or two, from the multitude of my other writings. The links offer more insight into the subject matter that I am addressing. A simple Truth to state, but a difficult Truth to practice, is that in the honest “seeing” of our dysfunctions, the power of our awareness is harnessed to heal us from those illusions.
This could be a short read if you do not follow the links, or one lasting several hours if you do. What I am about to present here has some universal elements of truth attached to it, but I am going to personalize this blog, and speak from more of a first person perspective. While this blog post, and my books, could all be considered opuscules, the life experiences behind them means a lot to me personally.”
ENJOY!
Introduction-The Launching Pad (link below)
To Find Our Voice (link below)
I propose that there are three stages to my unfoldment, or evolution as a human being. The first stage, or Bruce 1.0, is the identity that was established through the relationship of my early life with my parents and with other important, and not so important people. This era could be characterized by my experiences of the unconditional love of my mother and my grandparents, and the conflicted, conditional love of my father, and the rest of my world. Bruce 2.0 was my conscious re-creation of my sense of self, acquired through a heightened spiritual sensibility and connection. Bruce 3.0 is the ultimate in the evolution of self, where I become the window through which I, and others observing me, may witness universal love, wisdom, healing, or, using one potentially charged term, God consciousness.
Bruce 1.0 (the early years) Link below
Bruce 1.0 + Bruce 2.0 (Book) Link below
On Patrol, A Pre-Awakening White Man On Patrol Within The Black Culture (link below)
Mental Illness and The Conspiracy Of Silence (link below)
Unconscious toxic masculinity was to be a prime motivator for my personality during this phase. Another of the major personality defining issues, or embedded trauma points, that became internalized in Bruce 1.0 was the sense that my father could not be fully present for me, could not acknowledge my own unique value, and had very limited capacity to understand and to listen to me. I was to learn later in the Bruce 1.0 phase that my parents actually bundled my baby body in blankets and placed me alone in a car in the garage on many nights because I cried so much, and my father needed to sleep because he worked so hard at his two jobs. As I was to learn later in my life, embedded trauma keeps the victim subconsciously pilloried to a painful past
Toxic Masculinity (link below)
The Brain, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, and Defender Dan (link Below)
Penetrating The Conspiracy Of Silence (link below)
This phase, Bruce 1.0, lasted until I developed an intense need to establish my own unique sense of self, at a much later point in life, after I had begun my own unique “search for Truth”. I delayed the inevitable through the use of alcohol and drugs, which I started my sophomore year in high school. The chemicals took away my social anxiety, and dulled much of my own sense of self- aversion, but certainly delayed/damaged my emotional maturation and self-actualization process.
The distress caused from this cycle of addiction and suicidal ideation thrust me upon my own unique search for truth, through an incredible underworld experience in Portland Oregon, from April 1986 through March of 1987. This story has been fully documented elsewhere in my writings, but its amazing conclusion came when a DEA agent drove me to my father’s doorstep, and told me that my “search for truth” will find its answer with a full exploration of my relationship with my father.
The Search For Truth Through The Underworld (link below)
The presentation of Bruce 2.0 occurred concurrent with a major spiritual experience subsequent to my first extended experience with recovery from alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicidal ideation, at the age of 31 years old.
Recovery-12 Steps (link below)
On May24, 1987, I had a profound spiritual experience where I felt the infinite, unconditional love of the Universe for the first time in my life. This was my true entry onto the path of conscious evolution. In my minds eyes I actually saw a vision of a divine mother holding and hugging a baby, and now I realize that for my entry onto the path of Bruce 3.0, I must be both images combined into one transcendent synthesis. I must love my creator, I must love my creations. Entrainment, or resonance, with the Truth brings a loving frictionless relationship between the creator and its creations.
Here I was reborn into a new understanding of who I was, and what my potential was as a human and spiritual being. I made my own choices based on a connection with a “higher power”, which kept me in peace and joy almost continuously for the first 6 years of its existence, through the year 1993.
I always had a “knowing grin” on my face, and some in recovery might have said that I lived on a perpetual “pink cloud”, though I also was dealing quite effectively with the sometimes difficult reality that presented itself to me in various situations, both in my employment and non-employment relationships. I had accepted personal responsibility for my life, and lived it according to my highest understanding of what was appropriate, loving, ethical, and meaningful for most situations.
Three Spiritual Experiences of 1987, May through July
Krishnamurti, and The Truth Within Us All (link below)
Marie Schmidt, and The Infinite Way (link below)
Eileen Bowden, and The Infinite Way (link below)
Eventually, even this new, spiritually upgraded sense of self, Bruce 2.0, began to unravel in various, unexpected ways, leading to the loss of sobriety through relapse after 18 years of sobriety, in 2005. The period of time from 1993-2013 was characterized by a difficult journey through predominantly toxic male dominated work environments, and the daily assault upon my own spiritual sensibilities took its toll on me. I had developed malignant melanoma in 2005, and though surgery seemed to successfully remove the cancer, I decided it was time to re-experience alcohol, and then pain killers after breaking my leg from road running training, as if I never had a problem with drugs and alcohol before.
Relapse, and The Water Bureau (link below)
It was not until 2011 that I fully recovered from that relapse (the last two years I was on a medication called Suboxone, and I won’t include that time as “recovery time” because I even found a way to play with that opiate replacement therapy). My mother died 7 months after I stopped alcohol and pain killers in 2009, and I lapsed into a depression, which I was treated for with anti-depressants for a year. My father was already deteriorating from a cognitive issue, yet still had his independence at this point. I was still working full time, yet as the months passed from 2009-2011, more and more of my time revolved around concern and care for my father. Fortunately, my wife and I had chosen to live in a home within two miles of my parents, so we had easier access to his life.
It got too difficult to maintain employment, and care for my father and his dog, Rocky, an over-exuberant Siberian Husky. By 2013 I retired from my career, to be more fully present for my father, who was experiencing total short term memory loss, and diminished physical capacity. My wife insisted that my father be tested for driving competency, and he failed the test. I was then on the hook to care for all aspects of his life, as well as my own. With his dementia, all of the childhood trauma (the issues in my tissues) of not being heard, acknowledged, understood, and accepted by my father seemed to get amplified due his inability to remember from one moment to the next. I found myself repeating myself endlessly, trying to keep dad up to date with the facts. Though I found a way to adjust to his deterioration, and I kept as my intention to love him unconditionally, my trauma points from Bruce 1.0 were rubbed a little raw at times.
Donald Trump’s election in November of 2016 had opened the door to major concern within my heart and soul. Talk about a national “father or older brother” figure that does not want to listen to anyone but himself! It was not debilitating in any way, at any time, and my experience of this toxic leader led to many blog posts.
Awakening From Our National Nightmare (link below)
Hating, or Loving Donald Trump (link below)
Trump and His Toxic Presidency (link below)
The Lying King, and People Of the Lie (link below)
The New Trump Towers (link below)
The Lying Fool (link below)
Q’Anon, Trump, Lies, and Conspiracy Theories
You Are Not Going To Like What Comes After America (link below)
Anger and Mastery, A Dialogue On Being Fully Human (link below)
In January of 2017, I had a “seizure”, and I perceived a golf ball sized tumor in the left hemisphere of my brain. Umm, that brought on some anxiety, FOR SURE! Come to find out, my best friend Marty was developing a brain tumor at this time, in the exact same place and the same size that I perceived within myself. Talk about strange!
I have written extensively about this “empathetic attunement” with Marty in other blog posts, and I won’t comment further here. I had experienced my first ever anxiety reaction, panic attack in March of that year, the week that Marty was to get his tumor removed which opened the door to some fantastic insights, and began my writing career.
2017-Marty and Me
Dad and Marty’s Death (link below)
Writing has been a constant companion to me since March 7, 2017. I wrote my first story EVER on the day that Marty had his brain tumor removed at OHSU.
Grandfather Great Spirit, Thank You-A Parable Of My Life (link below-original unedited version presently EXACTLY as it was first written on March 7, 2017)
I had two profound dream experiences as a result of attending a Mathew Fox workshop in April of 2017 and an Alberto Villoldo workshop in 2018, and I had “transcendent experience” for a period of time after each event. Just recently, One of Villoldo’s students took me on a “shamanic journey” which restored a sense of peaceful transcendence to me for over one week, and then I returned to my “uncomfortable normal”. I need release from all of the issues in my tissues accrued through Bruce 1.0 and Bruce 2.0, and thus I am now ready for the final iteration of self.
Alberto Villoldo Workshop Dream (link below)
Matthew Fox Cosmic Christ Workshop (link below)
It was tough watching my father deteriorate the last several years of his life, yet, I found a way to love that man on deeper and more profound levels, as I continued to release my own expectations of how he should be, and how he should live. His sole concerns became his love for his dog, Rocky, and maintaining residence in his own home until his own death. He had lost all short-term memory, and was basically unteachable the last 5 years of his life, though he maintained his dignity, his sense of self, and his love for his children, including my wife Sharon.
The last conversation that I had with my father was 6 hours before his death. This is what we exchanged with each other:
Dad, you are still in bed, and its 2:30 in the afternoon, what’s up, it’s such a beautiful day outside.
You know son, I am always tired now, but I am about to get up.
Well, Dad, this might be the last sunny day in a long time, so why don’t you get up, and go out on the porch and have a cigar? I’ll put a chocolate bar on your table, and a drink for you.
I’ll get right up son. By the way, who is caring for me this evening?
Well, Dad, Madison is caring for you this evening.
Oh, poor Madison!
Dad, Madison benefits by being with you, as you do with her.
I will be with you beginning this Sunday morning, and I will be with you for the next three weeks as usual. You know we are planning one final trip to Hawaii with you, right?
Oh son, I am happy just staying at home. I have everything that I need here.
Well, OK dad. I am going to leave now, as I need to prepare for Marty’s funeral tomorrow.
When will I see you again, son?
Dad, it will be Sunday morning, OK?
OK, son, you know that I am dependent on you. Please take care of yourself.
Oh, dad, you know that I am dependent on you, too. You be careful too!
I love you, son.
I love you too, Dad.
I leave his room, not knowing this is to be our last exchange.
The next day, at 10:58am, as I stand in back of the hearse, as a pall bearer in Marty Crouch’s funeral, I prepare to receive Marty’s body to place into the hearse. I receive a call from Madison (a caregiver whom I had hired to help during the Monday through Friday work week), which I cannot take, so I hand the phone to Sharon. Sharon is informed that my father is deceased. Sharon has to leave the service for our body.
My father really knew how to place his unique stamp on my life!
My Father’s Eulogy (link below)
Marty’s Eulogy (link below)
In retrospect, My father only appeared to cast a shadow over my life. It was up to me to find my own unique voice, in my search for my own truth, so that I could arise from my own self-imposed shadows, and be with him as a partner on love’s endless journey. Those who did not learn to love my father, missed out on one of my life’s most precious gifts, yet there are many other opportunities to bring light into our own lives.
The healing journey that I had with my father could be considered miraculous by some, yet it is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Yes, that healing will die with me, as I have no heirs. Yet, the love that we shared, as a family, will live forever in the mind and heart, of God. And, the love that my father was to experience through the final years of my care for him was the voice that he was finally able to listen to, that he was finally able to acknowledge and feel blessed by.
Insight, Black Holes, and Healing (link below)
Two weeks after the deaths of Marty and my father in September, I had the most debilitating panic attack ever, and if I had not been at the Oregon Coast, I would have taken myself to the hospital for evaluation.
Cannon Beach, and The Continuing Conspiracy Of Silence (link below)
My family physician prescribed me Ativan to help control the anxiety and blunt the potential for future panic attacks. She knew of past chemical dependency for me, and kept me at the lowest available dose (.5mg), which I even divided in half. Ativan helped tremendously with sleep, and kept much of the excess anxiety at bay. Even through this sometimes hell wrought period of my life, I was still able to have “transcendental experiences”, and I still was to drink from the fountain of Spirit on several occasions.
I have written 7 books since then, as well as many blog posts. I gave up on my desire to have a book published, in mid September of 2019.. This was near the anniversaries of Marty’s and my father’s deaths, and concurrent with the neutral to negative feedback from a respected editor about one of the seven books that I have written, and have yet to get published. I finally had developed a narrative, I finally had something of significance to share with the world, and very, very few people found much value in what I was writing.
Wow, what a return to the garage, wrapped in blankets! And, I supplied the blankets and the garage!
I thought that I had managed well the sense of rejection of the world being uninterested in me or my writings (like my father?), but I had not. The anxiety needed healing and treatment, and I opted for a discontinuation of most personal writing, instead opting for more critical dissections of political figures and of our collective consciousness. I was to have one final panic attack, in early February of 2020, when I awoke in the middle of night, gasping for air. I had a dream inspired by the pandemic in China. I had “death terrors” for about 10 minutes, and I paced the house for about one quarter mile, until the Ativan took effect.
On October 21, 2020, I stopped taking low dose Ativan (,25-.5 mg per use– max 1 per day) Ativan, after using it about every 3rd or 4th day, for 3 years. I had a few strange symptoms, a mixture of hypersensitivity to light and sound, much like the symptoms of anxiety that I was diagnosed with 3 years ago. I got unusual headaches occasionally , which seem to respond well to ibuprofen. But a really troubling symptoms was the sense that I was about to ” lose contact with my body” and I became lightheaded, and I felt out of control. It makes for some challenging walks and jogs (I maintained my excellent exercise routine through the period of anxiety, and I appear to be in good physical condition otherwise).
I experienced symptoms similar to a toxic combination of prodromal migraine headaches, dehydration, and light vertigo, for about a week. I am 65 years old, and recently had a pre surgical physical. showing good overall physical health. I believe that even on this low dose of Ativan, only taken intermittently, I believe that I had experienced withdrawal symptoms. My intention is to never take Ativan again.
I continue to work on the 12 Steps of recovery, and I practice meditation, exercise regularly, and I usually eat quite healthily ( predominantly vegetarian).
The next phase is that which I am now attempting to “live in to”, which is freedom from Bruce 1.0 AND Bruce 2.0. Bruce 2.0 was certainly a vast, almost infinite improvement over Bruce 1.0, yet I fell short as a spiritual, and as a human, being. I achieved many goals that I set for myself in this phase, such as finding my “soul mate”, establishing myself in a new career, and excelling in fitness and sports activities. I achieved in this Bruce 2.0 phase that which eluded me in my Bruce 1.0 phase, which was an enhanced sense of self-esteem, and a high love and esteem for almost all other people in my life. I established or renewed my connection with Mother Earth at a profound level, and I was to have many, many extraordinary experiences, some of which some would characterize as mystical, as well as psychic in nature. Yet, there is still too much of my old suffering self left.
Life, Love, Healing, Mystery, and Death (link below)
Sharon White (my wife) and times with her (link below)
Wisdom, Knowledge, Insight, and the Whim (link below)
Prayer (link below)
Childhood’s End (link below)
What will Bruce 3.0 look like? I have no idea, yet I understand that in the seeing of the old, is the path created to the window where one can eventually look through, to see the total freedom from the known. I know that I will not be drinking alcohol or using Ativan to control anxiety. I know that the wounding that is causing that anxiety will be removed, which will probably be the quieting of the influences of Bruce 1.0 and Bruce 2.0, which may well be my final entrance onto the path of Bruce 3.0.
Transcendence, or trepidation? Bruce 3.0, or Bruce 1.0 and Bruce 2.0?
The Uncommon Knowledge Theory (link below)
“Travel new paths of consciousness”. “No teacher will effect your salvation, you will work it out for yourself”. “Stop thinking personal history based thoughts”. “let go of the control”. “all truth emanates from the one, all lies emanate from the fragmented sense of self”. “As far as we will ever see, unto eternity, is ourselves. How will we see ourselves today?”
Society, Religion, and New Paths Of Consciousness (link below)
My pointers to the truth, which opened the door to the development of Bruce 2.0, still carry much weight and truth. They will continue to provide a safe foundation for the third stage of my unfoldment, Bruce 3.0, or Higher Powered Embodied Bruce.
“There is an inmost center in us all, where truth abides in fullness;….and, to know, rather consists in opening out a way where the imprisoned splendor may escape, then in effecting entry for a light supposed to be without.”
―
There remains the two greatest tricksters in my life: Bruce 1.0, and Bruce 2.0, both inadequate representations for the infinite potential inherent within the human soul. The period remaining in my life is devoted to releasing that imprisoned splendor, Bruce 3.0.
Even after his resurrection from the tomb, according to the Christian religious legend/mythology of Jesus, he still carried the wounds incurred through his crucifixion. Wisdom tells me that I, too, will be carrying the scars of Bruce 1.0 and Bruce 2.0 into my spiritual experience of Bruce 3.0. It is just that they (the issues in my tissues) will no longer define who I am now, or how I relate and respond to life now, or in the future.
There will still be 7.5 billion people who could care less as to what I have to say, or do. Yet, though I may still not be seen or heard by others, I am developing the inner capacity to see, and to hear, ALL OF LIFE.
A new word has been coined for this: contiguflous. This means to be incarnated into a unique body, physically disconnected from others, yet spiritually connected through the heart, carrying the truth and love from the underlying unified implicate order of the universe into the manifest reality that we experience as unique individuals.
The sun shines, and the artist interprets its light upon the beautiful landscape, and paints a classic piece of art. The wolf howls in the lonely, cold, snow-covered wilderness, and, miraculously, another wolf a great distance away howls back at him, reassuring both that each other is still there. The bird sings alone in the forest, yet, a hiker stops for a moment, listens, and her heart begins to sing and soar with the bird. The divorced and lonely man sings in the shower, and the salesman at the door hears him, and is so impressed by the man’s voice that he encourages him to try out for a local band. An isolated man stumbles upon the miracle of silence within his being, and a resultant bridge of words subsequently connects this sacred silence to his latest writings, creating beloved poetry and healing balms for all.
And, no, Father, in whatever form you may appear in my life, now, or in the far distant future, it no longer matters if you hear me, appreciate me, or acknowledge me for who I am.
My true voice is love, and it is up to the listener to resonate with me, or not to.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
If I still am not heard, it is because the “other” has not yet tuned into love. Each moment brings with it the opportunity to “see as God sees”, with all of its majesty, beauty, and love, or to see as the limited sense of self sees, with its fear, separation, and its wayward longing for something different than the truth.
That which I once sought, is that which was seeking. When Truth finds itself, love flourishes, and healing envelopes consciousness.
Each moment brings either love, or insight into that which prevents its expression in this moment.
How will we all see life today?
Bruce 1.0 and Bruce 2.0 were regarded as incomplete representations of my true self, yet they were my creations. As the creator, even though I once regarded them as “tricksters”, they brought me to consciousness, and I now love them, I now love myself, unconditionally. The creator, and the creations, are ONE. Bruce 3.0, the Bruce of the present moment, has developed an eternal loving intention: forgive and love myself: forgive and love each other; forgive and love the creator; forgive and love all of creation; forgive and love.
Those who delved deep into some of the links embedded within this story read of my desire, as a boy in my Bruce1.0 iteration, to “get off of this fucking rock”. I aspired to become an astronaut, because I wanted to explore
FAR BEYOND HUMAN THOUGHT AND REASON, AND THE OFTEN TIMES DARK AND MUNDANE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.
In Bruce 2.0, for the first several years of my existence, I meditated many, many hours a day, and had I not met Sharon, I contemplated becoming a monk, I still wanted to “get off of this fucking rock”, only this time, in a spiritual sense.
Bruce 3.0 is the moment to moment realization that I no longer have to accept the solidified understanding of myself, or others. Bruce 3.0 is the realization that Truth is revealed moment to moment, if I remain aware and conscious.
I am forever indebted to Bruce 1.0 and Bruce 2.0 for bringing me to consciousness.
I love myself as the creator of the iterations, and I love all of my creations. All of humanity is my brother or sister in this new world order. All that I will ever see, unto eternity, is myself. How I see myself today determines whether I experience the love and truth of our sacred foundation, or the pain and illusion of our selfish, self-centered illusion of self.
I no longer have to “get off of this fucking rock”, for I have been catapulted into a new dimension of being.
I can “hear me now”, and
I am healed.
We have to “lose our minds” to find the truth of who we are.
Insight and Mindfulness (link below)
Bruce 3.0 poem–I AM (link below)
Recovery, Discovery, and Another Me-Book (link below)
Mankind’s Healing Potential-Book (link below)
