A Tribute To Marty C., and The Enigma Of A Shared Consciousness

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The Intersection of the Individual Consciousness’s of Bruce Paullin and Marty Crouch, and Societal Healing and Development

The world we live in is a complex tapestry of interconnected forces that shape our consciousness, societal development, and spiritual health. Over the course of my lifetime, I have become deeply disturbed by the developments within our shared world, within my individual consciousness, and the points of connection between self and other through the shared languages, religions, and philosophies that bind us. These forces within our consciousness have created oppression, repression, and their resultant physical, emotional, and social disease within society. It is time to explore these interconnections, drawing from my personal experiences to illuminate the profound impact of these forces on our lives.  (Note: As I have already written several books on these issues, I will not duplicate those efforts by excessively expounding upon them in this post).

Starting within myself, I have seen how a lifetime of oppression and repression brought about a sequence of serious illnesses, both physiological and spiritual. I saw how a dark force, common to all of humanity, lived, moved, and had its being enshrined within my own heart and soul. I also saw how the medical, economic, religious, cultural, political, and spiritual traditions have not yet been completely successful in their understanding of humanity, while also attempting to serve our basic, innermost need of being loved, valued, and listened to.

Virtually all men and women have experienced oppression, repression, and the resultant diseases of the spirit at some point in their lives. We have been both the victims and the conscious and unconscious perpetrators of this behavior. Mental illnesses of many names arise from maladaptations to these socialized traumas.  We have all attempted to manage our symptoms in our own unique, yet all too often broken and dysfunctional ways. In the years since 1988, I had wanted to help myself, my father, and several of my male friends develop greater insight into these issues, but I did not find a consistent interest being expressed by others.

In November of 2016, I invited Sheila Hamilton over to our house for a book club meeting, where we discussed her book All The Things We Never Knew. Sheila Hamilton is a five-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, author, and mental health advocate. Her book is a deeply personal memoir that explores her late husband’s battle with bipolar disorder and his eventual suicide. As I listened to Sheila tell her compelling story to our book club, I had a realization that much of what her husband experienced I understood at a level far deeper than most.

After hearing of Sheila’s husband’s often traumatized upbringing and his eventual life response, the similarities to my own life were too obvious for me not to want to offer my perspective on these troubling issues. I made a commitment to bring my perspective to the world, yet I was not a writer, but I began to write anyway. I secured a blog site and also began posting my writing to Facebook. My writings were usually ignored or met with indifference by the few that read them.  A few people even unfriended me, or turned off notifications of my new posts.

My friend of twenty-one years, Marty Crouch, a member of the same book club, did begin to show great interest in my Facebook posts about toxic masculinity and its deadly spawn, toxic religion, and toxic capitalism. My new writings opened the door to a different level of sharing between the two of us. Together, Marty and I shared over twenty years in a couple’s group, many weekend trips, plays, shows, and comedy club visits, hiking and camping trips, nights out for dinner and entertainment, and then the book club that we also shared for the last several years of his life.

Marty and I were quite friendly with each other, yet rarely spoke at great length or depth, or showed extraordinary interest in developing a deeper friendship apart from our wives. I noted how his wife organized and often appeared to dominate his life over the years that I had known him, and how she would often speak for him, and even verbally run over him in some group meetings. It was common knowledge that when his wife was present, Marty would not consistently reveal himself and his own story, as he would instead defer to his wife through his silence.

In this respect, his wife Eddy was to Marty what society appeared to me as, a poor listener, less than collaborative and often incapable of offering a consistent forum for the mutual exchange of knowledge. My experience of his wife was that she was usually quite willing to listen to what I had to say initially, then she would often fill whatever empty space appeared during any pause I made with herself, rather than wait for me to finish my story and whatever message I might be trying to deliver. At this point, much like Marty, all further talk from me would end, and I would just listen to her, no matter what important items I felt I might have to share with her or the group that we might be attending together.

We all need to be heard, yet society, and many relationships we form within its boundaries, do not always offer us a sufficient opportunity to share who we are, and offer whatever unique talents or gifts that we have. The interconnectedness of individual consciousness, societal development, and spiritual health cannot be overstated. The profound impact of oppression and repression on physical, emotional, and social wellbeing must be acknowledged and addressed.

Traditional systems—whether medical, economic, religious, cultural, or political—have failed in their understanding of humanity’s fundamental needs. To move forward, we must realize that both victims and perpetrators of oppression must seek healing and understanding. This realization leads to a collective responsibility for change. We need a new approach that integrates mental, emotional, and spiritual care to address these deep-seated issues.

The Encounter with a Dark and Light Presence

Personal experiences often shape our understanding of life, death, and the unknown realms that lie in between. Today, I share a story that opened my eyes to the profound mysteries of human consciousness and the spiritual dimensions we may unknowingly traverse.

On January 11th, 2017, my life took an unexpected turn. At 2:45 in the morning, I experienced what I initially termed as a “seizure.” I awoke abruptly and found myself drawn to my office. Sitting down, I suddenly lost all physical control and the ability to think, it was as if I became frozen.. Yet, paradoxically, I remained fully aware, while drooling a little bit.. This surreal state lasted about a minute, but within that brief period, the universe unveiled a terrifying reality to me.

In the left portion of my brain’s inner field, a “black mass” the size of a golf ball made its presence known. It was the first time since July 1987—when I had my only other experience of detecting my “life energy field”—that I became acutely aware of the energy field within my body. Unlike a fleeting moment of epiphany, this new awareness was deeply unsettling. Each subsequent introspection revealed the persistent dark mass, an ominous sign that gave birth to a growing sense of dread.

Initially, I kept this harrowing experience to myself. Because of the extraordinary stress of caring for my disabled father, I had a fear of dying young or losing my sanity, and I was not conversational about it. But as time passed, I could no longer bear the weight of this solitary struggle and began discussing it with my wife and two close friends. They speculated that I might be having a spiritual crisis or experiencing psychic phenomenon. Despite their well-intentioned theories, I could only perceive it as a harbinger of death—a relentless force that defied negotiation or dismissal.

Prayers, meditations, affirmations, and discussions—all traditional spiritual healing methods—failed to diminish the dark mass. Its presence remained unyielding, reaffirming my conviction that some form of death was imminent. Although I refrained from seeking medical advice specific to this perceived mass, I did confide in my family doctor, expressing my fear that my own demise might precede my father’s, who was profoundly ill at the time.

On March 5, 2017, the narrative took an even more poignant turn when our dear friend Marty suffered a major seizure and was hospitalized at OHSU. Marty had been battling malignant melanoma since late 2012 and had undergone successful Interleuken II immunotherapy in 2013. Yet, despite his apparent recovery of four years, he was now diagnosed with a brain tumor, coincidentally a golf ball sized mass in the left hemisphere of his brain.

My wife Sharon and I visited Marty two days before his scheduled surgery. During our conversation, we discovered a startling similarity between his seizures and my own experiences, though mine seemed trivial by comparison. I was shocked at his tumor size and location, which mirrored my own. I confided in Marty about my perception of Death as a tangible entity within my energy field. Despite my reservations, I hinted at a possible connection between our afflictions, silently hoping that his brain mass was not a fatal omen.

This shared experience with Marty prompted a deeper exploration of the spiritual and psychic dimensions of our suffering. The presence of the dark mass in my energy field was not merely a medical anomaly; it was a profound existential encounter. It challenged my conventional understanding of life and death, pushing me towards a more introspective and philosophical perspective. And, I was to learn, the rigid boundaries between supposed distinct human beings can sometimes blur, under extraordinary circumstances.

Traditional healing methods proved ineffective against this perceived “death” energy, compelling me to seek alternative interpretations. Was this a test of my spiritual resilience? Motivation to get another MRI exam?  A reminder of life’s impermanence? Or perhaps a call to transcend my fears and accept the inevitability of death?

Encountering the dark presence in my energy field was a profound and life-altering experience. It challenged my understanding of life and death, pushing me towards a deeper exploration of spirituality. 

Radical Empathy and the Bridge to Shared Consciousness

In the final year of Marty’s life, I discovered a profound, and often bewildering, connection between us—an insight that transcends conventional understanding and touches on the deepest aspects of human interaction. This connection, which some have termed radical empathy, revealed itself through our shared experiences and my own deep, spiritual practice.

Radical empathy is a concept that extends beyond mere emotional understanding. It involves a deep, almost psychic attunement to another’s inner world. In my case, this connection manifested as a profound sense of Marty’s presence within my own consciousness.  Over the twenty-one years I knew him, I gradually increased my presence in his life caring for him and his wife in new ways.  In 2017 I even began to sense some of his thoughts, feelings, and even his physical ailments. This level of empathy occasionally blurred the lines between our individual selves, creating a shared experience that was both enlightening and unsettling.

The phenomenon I experienced raises intriguing questions about the nature of empathy and its potential overlap with telepathy. Traditionally, empathy is understood as the ability to emotionally resonate with another person’s feelings. Telepathy, on the other hand, implies a direct transmission of thoughts or sensations between individuals. My experience suggests that these two concepts might not be as distinct as we once thought. Through our deep emotional bond, Marty’s consciousness seemed to transmit aspects of his being directly into mine, creating a shared mental landscape.

Our consciousness plays a pivotal role in this process. It serves as the medium through which such profound connections can occur. Marty’s ego mind, his sense of self, somehow intertwined with my own consciousness, allowing me to access hidden truths about both him and me. This connection was not merely emotional; it was a temporary melding of our very beings, facilitated by love, compassion, concern, and the pursuit of spiritual, if not physiological, healing.

Compassion has the power to transcend conventional barriers of communication. Through my empathetic bond with Marty, I was able to articulate thoughts and feelings that had previously eluded me. This newfound capacity for expression was not just about understanding Marty’s experience but also about uncovering repressed aspects of my own consciousness. The compassion I felt for him acted as a bridge, enabling me to communicate around the metaphorical if not actual “black mass” in my psyche.

One of the most startling aspects of our connection was the way Marty’s illness seemed to manifest within my own consciousness. I sensed a dark, golf ball-sized mass in my brain—not as my own cancer, but as Marty’s. This experience challenges conventional views of illness as an isolated, individual affliction. It suggests that through deep empathetic connections, caregivers can share the burden of illness, potentially aiding in the healing process, or, in the negative, sharing directly in a deteriorating health outcome.

Empathy and shared consciousness have the power to reveal personal and shared repressions. Through my connection with Marty, I was finally able to confront and articulate the forces of oppression and repression within both of us. This process was not just about understanding Marty’s struggles but also about illuminating the dark corners of my own mind. The light of my awareness, filtered through Marty’s consciousness, cast shadows that formed words—words that bridged the gap between the unknown and the known parts of my being.

The transformative potential of such deep connections is profound. By sharing consciousness with another person, we can illuminate personal growth and understanding in ways that traditional methods cannot achieve. This process encourages self-discovery and spiritual growth, challenging us to redefine our understanding of empathy, consciousness, and human connection. It also is a potentially dangerous shared path to traverse, bouncing between the guardrails of spiritual attunement on one side, and the loss of life and/or sanity on the other.

The spiritual dimensions of empathy are vast and deeply impactful. My experience with Marty highlighted the role of empathy in achieving personal peace and spiritual enlightenment. By opening ourselves to such profound connections, we can transcend the limitations of individual consciousness and access a deeper, more unified understanding of existence.

My experience with Marty was a powerful testament to the potential of radical empathy and shared consciousness. It challenges conventional thinking about empathy, illness, and human connection, offering a novel perspective that can transform our approach to caregiving, self-awareness, and spiritual growth.

For those on a spiritual path, health professionals, and caregivers alike, the insights from this experience underscore the importance of deep, empathetic connections. They remind us that through love, compassion, and shared consciousness, we can uncover hidden truths, heal emotional wounds, and grow both personally and spiritually.

Navigating the Intersection of Physical and Mental Health Crises

In our fast-paced, medically advanced world, it is often difficult to envision health crises that cannot be easily categorized as purely physical or mental. Yet, there are experiences that defy conventional medical wisdom, compelling us to explore the profound connections between body, mind, and spirit. My personal ordeal is a testament to the complexity of these interconnected realms and the vital role of support networks in the healing process.

On an ordinary Wednesday, after returning home from the Tuesday evening at OHSU, having visited Marty, I was suddenly enveloped by an anxiety episode of such intensity and duration that I dared not rise from the couch. Only hours before, I had briefly stood up and lost consciousness, an experience that left me deeply shaken but still resolute in my decision to avoid medical intervention. When Sharon returned from her creative writing class and found me in this compromised state, she accepted my choice not to seek further medical attention. She perceived this crisis as a spiritual one and offered her love and care, monitoring my blood pressure and guiding me through shallow breaths with the help of a paper bag to prevent a panic attack.

Each attempt to get off the couch resulted in dizziness and a profound sense of being physically subdued, coupled with an anxiety reaction that seemed to grip both my body and mind. Words eluded me; it required all my strength to force them out. This inability to speak harkened back to a similar episode 31 years prior, when I had lost my voice for two days during a harrowing ordeal. The realization then, as now, struck me with overwhelming clarity—the consciousness feels like it’s on the cusp of escaping, requiring every ounce of willpower to hold it together.

Why did I resist seeking medical help, even in my most vulnerable moments? It’s a question that challenges conventional thinking and begs for a deeper exploration of holistic wellness. Modern medicine often compartmentalizes issues into physical or mental categories, yet there are times when crises transcend these boundaries. My reluctance stemmed from past experiences with neurological exams that left me traumatized, particularly during a period marked by excruciating headaches. The fear of revisiting those horrors was enough to make me trust in the holistic approach that Sharon and I had cultivated together.

The role of spirituality and personal support networks in coping with health challenges cannot be overstated. Sharon’s understanding and empathy were crucial in navigating this crisis. Her acceptance of my decision and her proactive care provided a sanctuary where I could confront my fears without the added anxiety of medical intervention. This spiritual crisis was as much about reclaiming autonomy over my health as it was about seeking solace in a higher understanding of my existence.

Our past health experiences invariably shape our future decisions. The echoes of my previous ordeal in 1986, where I lost my voice amidst dangerous associations, reverberated through this latest episode. The realization that past traumas can resurface in unexpected ways underlines the necessity for compassionate and patient-centered approaches to health. It also highlights the importance of personalized care that respects the individual’s history and current needs.

In reflecting on these intertwined experiences, it becomes clear that health crises are not always reducible to simple categories or solutions. They demand a more nuanced understanding that embraces the physical, mental, and spiritual facets of our being. By fostering supportive environments and prioritizing holistic approaches, we can better equip ourselves and others to face such complex challenges.

For those navigating similar paths, I urge you to consider the value of introspection, the wisdom of past experiences, and the irreplaceable support of loved ones. In the end, our journeys toward wellness are profoundly personal and deeply interconnected with the broader tapestry of our lives.

The Transformative Power of Finding Your Voice

It was the night before Marty’s brain surgery, and I found myself in an all-too-familiar place—restless, haunted by my thoughts, and unable to sleep. I arose from bed and moved to the family room, waiting for Sharon to join me. My life’s message was bubbling up inside me, demanding to be heard, yet I felt utterly incapable of sharing it. Despair washed over me as I lay on the couch, feeling like my emotional and spiritual death was imminent. I turned to Sharon, pleading for her to share my message. But she looked at me with love and compassion and told me it had to come from me, or not at all.

This pivotal moment, Sharon’s refusal to speak for me, became instrumental in my recovery from the personal repression and historic cultural oppression,of myself. For nearly thirty years, I had been silenced—by others and by my own fears. My father’s diseased influence on my early social development left me an incomplete and marginally expressive human being. Even in spiritually aware and conscious circles, my voice was often unheard, because it was not offered in its fulness..

In that moment of agony, I knew I could no longer live a healthy life without finding my voice. I asked my Spirit for guidance on how to deliver my message. A prayer from a dream I had in 1992 came to mind, beginning with “Grandfather, Great Spirit, Thank You.” Suddenly, I was compelled to write, and I didn’t stop until fifteen pages of a story poured through me. It took the form of a parable—a format that would resonate with those curious enough to listen, and those who hadn’t yet become indifferent to others. 

The experience of being silenced is not unique to me; it’s a pervasive issue that impacts personal growth and well-being. When we internalize the judgments and criticisms of others, we diminish our own voices and hinder our ability to express ourselves authentically. This internalized silencing can manifest as self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a reluctance to share our true thoughts and feelings.

The transformation began when I chose to listen to my inner voice rather than external authorities. This shift allowed me to reconnect with my true self and break free from the constraints that had been holding me back. By reclaiming my voice, I was able to experience a profound sense of liberation and empowerment.

Finding one’s voice is deeply intertwined with emotional and spiritual well-being. When we suppress our true selves, we create a disconnect between our inner and outer worlds. This disconnection can lead to feelings of emptiness, frustration, and a lack of fulfillment. However, when we express ourselves authentically, we align our emotional and spiritual energies, leading to a more harmonious and fulfilling life.

The act of writing my story not only healed the dark mass of energy within me but also allowed me to articulate the forces of oppression and repression that had plagued both Marty and me. This process of self-expression illuminated the shadows within my consciousness, enabling me to understand and communicate the complexities of our shared experiences.

Having a trusted individual who sees and values your voice can be pivotal in reclaiming self-expression. Sharon’s unwavering support and her insistence that my message had to come from me played a crucial role in my transformation. Her belief in my voice gave me the strength and courage to overcome my fears and share my story. And, remarkably, the black mass that I had sensed within my own brain had disappeared, about the same time as Marty’s tumor was removed.  There was something unique and happening on parallel paths between Marty and me.

Societal dynamics often contribute to the silencing of voices, particularly those that challenge the status quo or diverge from established norms. Power structures, cultural expectations, and social hierarchies can all play a role in stifling individual expression. These dynamics reinforce the belief that certain voices are more valuable or legitimate than others, leading to the marginalization of diverse perspectives.

When Darkness Fades: A Journey of Healing Through Story and Empathy

The dark mass in my body of energy disappeared upon completion of my story. To this day, I remain healed of that darkness, while continuing to write frequently. I have finally learned that I need to listen to myself, more than just listening to other “authorities”. This process has led to an insight that is extremely difficult to discuss, an insight about my relationship with Marty and his disease in the final year of his life. I realized that I had become attuned to Marty on a psychic level. Some call this connection radical empathy, some call it telepathy, and some dismiss it as mystical thinking. For me, this is a natural outcome of “prayer” as I defined it earlier in my life following a remarkable and mysterious experience with the late Gary Johnson of my electrical apprenticeship program.

Somehow, through my openness, Marty’s sense of self had been transmitted to me, or I resonated with him, and I felt his presence within my own sensitive, susceptible consciousness through my love, compassion, and concern for him. This is how I was able to sense the dark, golf ball-sized mass in my brain. It was not my cancer; it was Marty’s. I was also finally able to articulate the forces of oppression and repression within both of us for the first time. Through the mapping of Marty onto my peace of mind, a bridge of words was created to describe the vast matrix that had eluded me for years. The light of my awareness, shown through Marty’s matrix of consciousness, created the shadows, or words, that ached to connect the unknown to the known parts of myself.

Storytelling is a profound tool for personal healing. When we share our stories, we open a channel for deep introspection and transformation. By narrating our experiences, we not only make sense of our past but also unearth hidden truths about ourselves. My own narrative, a blend of personal struggle and spiritual awakening, serves as a testament to this power. Through storytelling, we venture into the depths of our psyche, unraveling the layers that constitute our being.

Empathy emerges as a potent force during this process. As we narrate our stories, we begin to see ourselves in others and others in ourselves. This interconnectedness fosters a sense of belonging and understanding, crucial for personal growth. We start to recognize that our individual journeys, though unique, are threads in the larger tapestry of human experience. Storytelling bridges the gap between isolation and connection, healing the fractures within our soul.

Through empathy and storytelling, I found a pathway to articulate my complex emotions and experiences. The act of sharing my story became a healing ritual, shedding light on the dark corners of my consciousness. In doing so, I discovered a profound connection between my story and Marty’s, unveiling insights that were both therapeutic and enlightening.

The art of listening to oneself is a vital aspect of personal growth and self-discovery. For years, I ignored my inner voice, drowning it in the noise of societal expectations and external authorities. It wasn’t until I began honoring that quiet whisper within that I experienced significant changes in my life. Listening to oneself means acknowledging and validating our own feelings, thoughts, and experiences.

Ignoring this inner voice often leads to internal conflict and unrest. We become strangers to our own selves, navigating life through a fog of confusion and discontent. On the other hand, tuning into our inner dialogue brings clarity and alignment. It’s a process of reacquainting ourselves with our true essence, fostering authenticity and self-respect.

My own awakening came when I started paying attention to my inner voice. The drive to write at odd hours was not a mere compulsion but a call from within, urging me to articulate my thoughts and emotions. This practice of self-listening transformed my life, bringing about profound insights and a deeper understanding of myself. Through this, I learned that our inner voice holds the key to our true potential and happiness.

Empathy is more than just understanding another’s feelings; it is a profound connection that transcends the physical realm. The concept of radical empathy or telepathy speaks to this deep level of human connection. When we empathize deeply, we tap into the shared energy that binds us all, creating a psychic bond that allows us to experience another’s emotional landscape.

This connection is not always easy to comprehend or articulate. It challenges our conventional understanding of individuality and separateness. Yet, it is through empathy that we achieve a deep understanding of others and, paradoxically, of ourselves. Empathy dissolves the barriers of ego, allowing us to perceive the interconnectedness of all beings.

My connection with Marty exemplifies this phenomenon. Through empathy, I internalized his suffering and emotions, experiencing them as if they were my own. This psychic attunement was both a revelation and a challenge, pushing the boundaries of my understanding and compassion. It demonstrated the power of empathy as a tool for deep connection and healing, transforming my perception of self and others.

Spiritual practices like prayer, meditation, and contemplation play a crucial role in self-discovery. These practices create a sacred space for introspection, allowing us to explore the depths of our consciousness and connect with our higher self. They serve as conduits for divine wisdom and inner peace, guiding us on our spiritual journey.

Prayer, in its essence, is a dialogue with the divine, a moment of surrender and trust. Meditation, on the other hand, is a practice of stillness and awareness, helping us to transcend the chaos of the mind. Both practices offer pathways to inner clarity and alignment, fostering a sense of unity with the universe.

My own spiritual practices have been instrumental in my self-discovery. Through prayer, I found solace and guidance, while meditation allowed me to quiet my mind and listen to my inner voice. These practices revealed the interconnectedness of all things, deepening my understanding of myself and my place in the world. They became the foundation of my spiritual awakening, illuminating the path to self-awareness and healing.

The insight gained through my experience with Marty was both profound and mysterious. It revealed a level of connection that transcended the physical, touching the realms of psychic empathy and shared consciousness. This realization was a turning point, allowing me to articulate the forces that had shaped our experiences and emotions.

Understanding this connection required a shift in perception, a willingness to explore the unknown aspects of our consciousness. It was through this exploration that I uncovered the intricate web of energies and emotions that linked Marty and me. This psychic mapping illuminated the shadows within our minds, offering a language to describe our shared experiences.

Articulating this insight was a healing process in itself. It allowed me to make sense of the abstract and intangible, bringing clarity to the complexities of our connection. This understanding transformed my perception of empathy and consciousness, highlighting the profound interconnectedness of all beings. It was a realization that reshaped my spiritual and emotional landscape, offering a deeper understanding of the human experience.

My journey of healing through storytelling, empathy, and spiritual practices has been a profound exploration of self and connection. It has revealed the transformative power of listening to oneself, understanding empathy, and engaging in spiritual practices. These elements have been instrumental in my personal growth and healing, offering insights that are both enlightening and therapeutic.

Transcendence in the Face of Mortality: A Journey with Marty

In our lives, we often encounter moments that challenge our understanding of existence, urging us to explore deeper realms of consciousness and connection. My encounter with Marty and his wife at Marco’s restaurant in April of 2017 rekindled such reflections. Marty, recovering from brain surgery to remove cancer, seemed to embody a higher vibration of being, a state that carried him through his ordeal with remarkable resilience. This encounter, set against the backdrop of our discussion about hiking the Pacific Crest Trail and the teachings from Matthew Fox’s Cosmic Christ workshop, which Sharon and I had just returned from, illuminated profound insights about life, death, and transcendence.

During our lunch, I felt as if a higher vibration was carrying me, enhancing my powers of insight and compassion. This elevated state allowed me to perceive Marty’s situation with greater clarity and empathy, opening my heart to his struggles and triumphs. Our conversation eventually turned to the Pacific Crest Trail, a long-delayed dream of Marty’s. Confronted with his mortality, Marty felt an urgent need to engage in activities he had postponed for years. This urgency to fulfill delayed life pursuits is a common response when individuals become acutely aware of their mortality. It underscores the importance of seizing the present moment and pursuing our passions, regardless of life’s uncertainties.

However, our discussion was not without its challenges. Marty’s wife, a dominating presence, frequently interrupted and overshadowed our conversation. Her insistence on Googling information, even as I shared insights, was both offensive and revealing. It highlighted the dynamic between personal growth and interpersonal relationships, particularly the impact of unsupportive or dominating presences on our ability to share and receive profound insights.

This dynamic became even more apparent during a couple’s group meeting at Marty’s home. With Marty’s wife absent, I was able to discuss my experience of “transcendent energy” with Marty and Jim. Marty, genuinely interested, listened intently as I shared insights about spiritual healing and the potential for divine experiences. His openness contrasted sharply with his wife’s dominating behavior, emphasizing the importance of supportive and empathetic relationships in fostering personal and spiritual growth.

Trusting the Process: Lessons from an Unlikely Dream

Sharon and I returned home after our evening meeting.  I remained somewhat hopeful that I could give spiritual assistance to Marty and slipped into a comfortable sleep.  At 2:45 am, I awoke to a profound sense of presence—a feeling I can only describe as a “blessing” that enveloped us all. While the logical mind might shy away from attributing meaning to such experiences, I felt compelled to explore this internal calling. This led me into a dream state, where a vivid and symbolic vision unfolded before me.

In my dream, we found ourselves in a noisy industrial plant, where an electrical system desperately needed reconditioning. The scene was chaotic, filled with the clatter of machinery and the hum of activity. I was tasked with working on an electrical panel, but there was a catch—a security lock needed to be removed, and Marty and Sharon were there to witness the process. I wore soundproof headsets to shield myself from the overwhelming industrial noise, which added another layer of isolation to my task. Nearby, I noticed others who had completed their work, leaving discarded materials in a dumpster. It was clear that our efforts needed to be synchronized, even if it meant occasionally stepping on each other’s toes.

As I reflected on this dream, its symbolic meaning became evident. The industrial plant represents our daily lives, filled with the noise of endless tasks and responsibilities. The electrical system in need of repair symbolizes our inner selves, requiring reconditioning and realignment. The security lock is the control we cling to, the fear that prevents us from trusting others or the process itself. The soundproof headsets are the barriers we create to avoid the noise, yet they also isolate us from the collective effort.

This dream underscores the importance of letting go of control and trusting in the process, whether it be a higher power, the universe, or the collective human spirit. Holding onto control is a natural reaction to the chaos and uncertainties of life, but it often leads to isolation and burnout. By removing the “security lock” and allowing others to participate in our “reconditioning,” we open ourselves to a broader range of possibilities and solutions.

One of the most striking aspects of the dream was the need to integrate my work with that of others. Despite the risk of getting in each other’s way, collaboration was essential for success. This mirrors the real-world need for teamwork and collective effort. It’s a reminder that individual success is often intertwined with the contributions of others. When we allow ourselves to trust in others’ work and integrate it with our own, we create a synergy that can lead to greater accomplishments.

The soundproof headsets in the dream serve as a metaphor for the mental barriers we erect to tune out the “noise of the mind.” While these barriers can provide temporary relief, they also prevent us from fully engaging with our surroundings and the people around us. To achieve mental clarity and spiritual connection, it’s crucial to find moments of silence and solitude. These moments allow us to tune out the external noise and focus on our inner selves, fostering a deeper understanding and connection with the world around us.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Trust, as told to Marty through the dream

To bring these insights into practical application, consider the following steps:

1. Acknowledge the Need for Control

• Recognize when you’re holding onto control out of fear or uncertainty. Awareness is the first step towards change.

2. Practice Trusting Others

• Start by delegating small tasks and gradually increase the level of responsibility you share with others. Trust-building is a gradual process.

3. Create a Supportive Environment

• Foster an environment where teamwork and collaboration are encouraged. Celebrate collective successes and learn from shared failures.

4. Find Moments of Silence

• Dedicate time each day for silence and solitude. This could be through meditation, nature walks, or simply sitting quietly. These moments help clear the mental noise and foster inner peace.

5. Reflect and Adapt

• Regularly reflect on your experiences and adapt your approach as needed. Trusting the process is an ongoing journey, not a one-time event.

Trusting in the process, whether it involves relinquishing control, integrating efforts with others, or finding moments of silence, is a powerful practice for personal and professional growth. It requires courage, faith, and a willingness to step into the unknown. By doing so, we open ourselves to a deeper connection with our inner selves and the world around us, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and harmonious life.

In this fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in the noise and lose sight of what truly matters. But remember, even in the midst of chaos, there is a higher power within us, waiting to guide us back to our heart and soul. Trust in that power, and you’ll find the strength and clarity to navigate life’s challenges with grace and wisdom.

The Transformative Power of Acceptance in Terminal Illness

In the face of terminal illness, the human spirit often grapples with an immense array of emotions—fear, despair, and a relentless clinging to the illusion of control. Yet, within this struggle lies an opportunity for profound personal and spiritual evolution. There is a transformative power of acceptance and the exploration of consciousness, drawing on the poignant story of Marty—a man whose final days were marked not by defeat, but by a courageous release into the unknown.

Marty was a man of the highest intellect, character, moral, and ethical integrity. Despite his many accomplishments, one aspect of life eluded him—the ability to release his ego and fully immerse himself in the divine nature of existence. When Marty was diagnosed with metastatic cancer, his world turned upside down. His body, once a vessel of strength and independence, began to deteriorate rapidly.

In an attempt to aid Marty in his spiritual quest, I provided him with a meditation I had created. My intention was to help him release his understanding of who he was and to experience his divine nature at the deepest, most healing levels. Unfortunately, the meditation had little positive impact on Marty at the time. However, it set the stage for a deeper exploration of his consciousness.

Three weeks later, Marty, Sharon, and I embarked on a hike to Dog Mountain in the Columbia River Gorge. Marty had just started a new targeted drug therapy, Keytruda, with the hopes of keeping the cancer at bay. Despite the physical challenges, Marty persevered through the hike with great spirits. It was a testament to his determination and courage, igniting hope for a future hike along the Pacific Crest Trail—a dream Marty held dear.

Yet, life had other plans. Just two days later, Marty lost all use of his left leg and arm, becoming wheelchair bound. It was postulated that he was experiencing a reaction to Keytruda, causing unexpected inflammation of his brain and damage to his nervous system. The potential metastases to his brain had already been a source of concern, threatening his sense of self and his competent, highly intelligent mind. Despite these challenges, Marty remained fully present, embodying a remarkable resilience.

As Marty’s condition worsened, the subjects of dying, death, and transformation took on a special urgency. The medicine’s complications robbed him of his treasured independence and shifted his focus inward. Gone were the days of scanning Facebook for insights into his friends’ lives or the concerns of the day. Now, all his energy was devoted to navigating each day with as much peace of mind and as little chaos as possible.

We abandoned the idea of further hikes, focusing instead on supporting Marty through his decline. Anti-inflammatory medicine was prescribed to reduce brain swelling, and anti-seizure medication was administered as a precaution. Throughout this period, Marty’s quest for deeper understanding and acceptance of his situation intensified.

Marty’s story is a powerful example of how terminal illness can become a catalyst for profound personal and spiritual growth. The process of releasing the ego—our constructed identity—and embracing the unknown can lead to a state of inner peace and acceptance, even in the face of life’s greatest challenges.

In Marty’s case, his illness forced him to confront the limits of his physical body and the impermanence of his existence. It was a painful yet transformative experience, allowing him to glimpse the boundless nature of his true self. The meditation, though initially ineffective, planted the seeds for this deeper exploration.

The narrative around terminal illness is often one of fear, loss, and despair. However, Marty’s story offers a different perspective—one of growth, acceptance, and spiritual evolution. By shifting our focus from the physical decline to the inner transformation, we can find meaning and purpose in the most challenging circumstances.

For spiritual seekers, caregivers, and the health and wellness community, Marty’s journey serves as a reminder that the end of life is not merely an end, but a transition. It is an opportunity to release our attachments, explore our consciousness, and experience the divine nature that lies within us all.

Marty’s story is a testament to the transformative power of acceptance and the exploration of consciousness in the face of terminal illness. By releasing the ego and embracing the unknown, we can find peace and growth, even in our darkest moments. This perspective challenges conventional thinking and encourages a more introspective and philosophical approach to life’s inevitable transitions.

In honoring Marty’s legacy, we are reminded that the true measure of a life well-lived is not found in the physical realm but in the depth of our inner experiences and the courage to face the unknown with an open heart.

May we all find the strength to release our great creations into the great Unknown, and in doing so, discover the boundless nature of our true selves.

The Language of Illness: Finding Voice Amidst Metastatic Melanomas

When Marty communicated his sense of being inarticulate, he was not merely struggling with words but grappling with the profound transition of his existence. Metastatic melanoma was more than a medical condition; it was a relentless adversary encroaching upon his brain centers, eroding his ability to articulate the rich tapestry of his life.  The intersection of language, cognition, and emotional experience in the context of chronic illness, drew upon Marty’s deeply personal narrative to underscore the need for new modes of expression and the power of storytelling.

Marty’s life was once a vibrant mosaic of engagement with culture, intellectual stimulation, and physical vitality. His days were filled with excitement, joy, and meaningful social interactions. However, as the metastatic melanoma advanced, it stripped away these layers, leaving him physically inactive, homebound, and burdened with the potential loss of intellectual competence. The transition from a life of vivacity to one of confinement and cognitive decline is not only a physical battle but an existential crisis.

The erosion of self-perception and the inability to articulate this transformation is a common experience among patients with chronic illnesses. The language we use to describe our lives often fails to capture the profound shifts in identity and emotional states brought about by such conditions. Marty’s struggle to find words is emblematic of a broader challenge faced by many—how to communicate the intangible, the deeply personal metamorphosis that illness forces upon them.

Chronic illness, especially one as aggressive as metastatic melanoma, reshapes the cognitive and emotional landscape of those it afflicts. For Marty, the encroachment upon critical brain centers was not just a medical symptom but a symbolic representation of his diminishing ability to connect with the world as he once did. The anxiety, humiliation, depression, and emotional pain that accompany such an illness are not merely byproducts but integral parts of the experience that defy easy description.

The medical community often focuses on the physical manifestations of disease, overlooking the intricate web of cognitive and emotional changes. However, understanding these aspects is crucial for providing holistic care. By recognizing and addressing the cognitive and emotional challenges that patients face, healthcare professionals can offer more empathetic and effective support.

In the face of such profound change, it becomes imperative to find new modes of expression—ways to bridge the gap between the changing self and the external world. For Marty, and others like him, this might mean exploring alternative forms of communication, whether through art, music, or other creative outlets. These mediums can often convey what words cannot, offering a means of expressing the inexpressible.

Storytelling, in particular, emerges as a powerful tool. It allows patients to construct narratives that make sense of their experiences, providing both personal catharsis and a means of connecting with others. By sharing their stories, patients can foster a sense of community and understanding, helping to break down the isolation that often accompanies chronic illness.

Marty’s narrative highlights the importance of approaching patients with empathy, recognizing the complexity of their experiences and the limitations of language in capturing them fully. By fostering an environment of understanding, we can help patients feel seen and heard, validating their experiences and providing much-needed emotional support.

I joined with Marty at the OHSU men’s cancer survivor’s writing group in April of 2017.  I also am a survivor of malignant melanoma, though with much better survival prospects than Marty had.  The writing group was a refuge for Marty, giving him an opportunity to be away from his wife, whose presence often added anxiety to Marty because of her special needs.  I would drive Marty weekly to the writing group, which had four other members.  A subject to write about would be offered, and then it was up to us to do our best job to write a story around whatever subject matter was offered.  This led to some very creative, compelling personal stories, as well as imaginative interludes into fantasy or spiritual potential.

Storytelling is not just a means of personal expression; it is a communal act that fosters connection and understanding. For patients like Marty, sharing their stories can be a way of reclaiming agency and making sense of their experiences. It can also serve as a bridge, connecting them with others who may be going through similar journeys.

For healthcare professionals and caregivers, engaging with these stories can provide valuable insights into the patient’s perspective, helping to inform more compassionate and effective care. By encouraging storytelling, we can help build a community that supports and uplifts those facing the challenges of chronic illness.

Marty’s struggle to articulate his experience of metastatic melanoma underscores the profound impact of chronic illness on language, cognition, and emotional well-being. By exploring new modes of expression and fostering empathy and understanding, we can help bridge the gap between the changing self and the world. Storytelling emerges as a powerful tool in this process, offering both personal catharsis and a means of building community.

The Dual Nature of Life’s Journey: A Meditation on Love, Loss, and Transformation

In the stillness of morning meditation, a story began to form in my mind—a story that I later shared with Marty, a dear companion on this contemplative path. It is one that speaks to the essence of our shared human experience, the dichotomy of beauty and suffering, and the constant evolution of self. Here, I share it with you as a reflection on life’s profound lessons.

Imagine life as a lifelong adventure hike, perhaps akin to the Pacific Crest Trail of everyday existence. On one side of this trail lies the unbroken beauty of nature, a symbol of our wholeness and connection to all that is pure and untouched. It’s here we experience the joy of innocent movement, the thrill of traversing the unknown, and the miracle of each new moment.

Yet, on the other side, a wicked forest fire rages. Its flames obscure our view, threaten our safety, and pull us away from the wonder of the present. These flames are relentless, burning away at our past, our clothes, our hiding places, and all the knowledge and memories we hold dear.

Marty’s struggle to name this process is profoundly understood. It is hard to call it “good” or “perfect” when the flames are painfully burning you. The loss of independence and the erosion of dignity are deeply challenging aspects of this hike.

• Losing Independence: The inability to get out of bed or go to the bathroom alone can be demoralizing.
• Losing Daily Control: The absence of planning autonomy makes one feel less empowered.
• Losing Intimacy: The shift of a partner to a primary caregiver role leaves one feeling that love has temporarily abandoned them.
• Losing Mobility: Dependence on another for all movement feels as if life is stripping away dignity.
• Losing Control of Bodily Functions: Wearing supplemental underwear and using pads to trap incontinence feels like adding insult to injury.
• Losing Respect for Loss: When others don’t respect one’s sense of loss, it feels like the world has become insensitive to suffering.
• Losing the Desire to Live: Accumulating losses can make the idea of Death With Dignity appear attractive.

Yet, despite this immense suffering, we remain part of humanity’s unbroken wholeness. The challenge is to trust that Love itself is always guiding us, manifesting in new and often challenging forms.

Love, in its many forms, becomes our new garment. Any resistance to this love only increases our pain. The path ahead continues, and the forest fire burns for all of us. Hope and expectancy encourage us to keep walking because the view ahead is forever changing. The past burns away, revealing our true nature, the essence of who we were “in the beginning, before the World was.”

This story is not just for Marty; it is for all caregivers, health professionals, and spiritual seekers. It invites us to find our own metaphor for the journey, to name the process in a way that resonates with our individual and collective experiences. By doing so, we can better understand the dual nature of existence and the transformative power of facing life’s challenges.

Life’s path is fraught with beauty and suffering, each side of the trail offering its lessons. The forest fire may burn away what we once held dear, but it also reveals our true essence. Love, in its many forms, guides us through this transformation.

I invite you to reflect on your own journey. Find your metaphor, name your process, and trust in the unfolding path. Remember, around every bend lies the unknown, bringing with it both challenges and revelations.

May we all walk this path with courage and an open heart, knowing that the view ahead is always changing and that love is our constant guide.

The Silent Agony of a Terminal Illness and a Broken Marriage

In the quiet corners of our lives, where we face the most profound struggles, we often find ourselves grappling with choices that defy simple resolutions. Marty’s story is one such narrative—a haunting tale of terminal illness and marital discord exacerbated through cognitive decline that serves as a stark reminder of the complexities of human existence.

Marty’s battle with malignant melanoma has left him physically and mentally debilitated. The man who once navigated life’s challenges with vigor now finds himself ensnared in a web of despair. Every week, during our drives to the Men’s Cancer Support Creative Writing Group at Oregon Health Sciences University, Marty opens up about his life, painting a picture of a marriage eroded by time and illness.

He confided in me that he and his wife had not been intimate for quite some time. The love and affection that once bound them seemed to have dissipated, leaving behind a void filled with resentment and sorrow. Marty’s desire for a divorce is overshadowed by his deteriorating health, rendering him powerless to take any decisive action.

The malignancy has not only ravaged Marty’s body but also taken a toll on his mental well-being. He experiences hallucinations, where the lines between his dream world and reality blur. These episodes leave him disoriented and fearful, adding another layer of complexity to his already tumultuous life.

His wife, whom he believes to be insane, exacerbates his distress. My own observations lend credence to his belief. Her behavior, marked by neurotic and psychotic tendencies, creates an environment of constant tension. Marty’s son and daughter-in-law share his concern and have discussed relocating him to a neutral care facility where he can receive the quality care he deserves, away from his wife’s erratic behavior.

However, his wife’s insistence on moving with him to any new facility complicates matters. She is adamant about staying by his side, even if it means sleeping on the ground next to him. This leaves Marty feeling trapped, unable to escape the suffocating grip of his marriage.

Adding to his despair is the belief that his current cancer treatment will yield no positive outcomes. The sense of hopelessness has driven him to contemplate assisted suicide through the Death with Dignity process—a decision that underscores the gravity of his situation.

Marty’s plight presents a profound ethical dilemma. On one hand, there is an urgent need to alleviate his suffering, both physical and emotional. On the other, the complexities of marital obligations and the moral considerations surrounding assisted suicide complicate the path forward.

Terminal illness often brings to the forefront the fragility of human relationships. The bonds that once provided strength can become sources of pain and conflict. In Marty’s case, the interplay between his failing health and his dysfunctional marriage creates an almost insurmountable challenge.

Marty’s story compels us to reflect on the support structures available for terminal patients and their families. It raises critical questions about the adequacy of care facilities, the role of mental health support, and the ethical dimensions of end-of-life decisions.

In contemplating Marty’s predicament, we must recognize the importance of respecting individuals’ choices. The right to a dignified death, free from undue suffering, is a fundamental human concern. Yet, the path to achieving this is fraught with moral and practical hurdles.

Marty’s silent agony is a testament to the complexities of life and the human condition. His story urges us to consider the profound impact of terminal illness on personal relationships and the ethical challenges it poses.

As we move forward, it is imperative to foster a compassionate approach that addresses the multifaceted needs of terminal patients. This includes providing adequate support for families, ensuring access to quality care, and respecting the deeply personal choices individuals make at the end of their lives.

In the end, Marty’s struggle is not just his own—it is a reflection of the broader human experience, a poignant reminder of the delicate balance between life, love, and the inevitability of death.

The True Measure of Worth at Life’s End

In late August, an interaction with Marty revealed a profound societal issue that often remains unspoken. Marty believed it would be better to die quickly, to spare his wife from financial burden, and I found myself grappling with the depth of his self-devaluation. This perspective not only shocked me but also compelled me to reflect on the erroneous association of financial worth with personal value, especially in the context of end-of-life care.

In our capitalist society, many individuals equate their self-worth with their financial contributions. Marty’s dilemma underscores how deeply this misconception can impact one’s sense of identity and purpose. He had accumulated substantial wealth through the sale of homes and properties, yet he struggled to see that his intrinsic value far surpassed any monetary measure.

Marty’s belief that his continued existence would be a financial burden on his wife is a poignant example of the ethical and emotional implications surrounding end-of-life decisions. He had already spent $840 on end-of-life drugs and feared that ongoing expenses would exacerbate his wife’s distress. This view not only devalues his life but also places an undue emotional burden on his spouse, who might feel guilty for the costs associated with his care.

The pressures Marty felt are not uncommon. Society often places a premium on productivity and financial independence, leading many to view themselves as burdens when they can no longer contribute economically. These pressures are amplified within families, where the fear of being a financial or emotional drain can drive individuals to drastic decisions.

To address these complex issues, it’s crucial to provide robust mental health support for both those considering end-of-life decisions and their loved ones. Mental health professionals can play a vital role in fostering understanding, alleviating fear and guilt, and helping individuals like Marty recognize their inherent worth.

Therapists and counselors can work to shift the narrative from financial contributions to the intrinsic value of human life. By helping individuals explore their identities beyond their economic roles, mental health professionals can cultivate a sense of self-worth that is independent of financial status.

End-of-life decisions are fraught with fear and guilt. Through compassionate dialogue and empathetic support, mental health providers can help individuals process these emotions, offering a space where their fears can be acknowledged and addressed without judgment.

Destigmatizing discussions around end-of-life care is essential for prioritizing the well-being and dignity of individuals facing these decisions. Open conversations can pave the way for more humane and compassionate approaches to end-of-life care, emphasizing the importance of mental and emotional support alongside physical care.

Advocates for end-of-life care must champion the importance of open, honest conversations about death and dying. By normalizing these discussions, we can create a culture where individuals feel empowered to express their fears, wishes, and needs without stigma or shame.

At the heart of these conversations should be a commitment to the well-being and dignity of the individual. This means recognizing and affirming their intrinsic worth, providing comprehensive support, and ensuring that their end-of-life experience is as peaceful and respectful as possible.

Marty’s story is a sobering reminder of the need to reframe our understanding of worth, especially as it pertains to end-of-life care. By challenging the association of financial worth with personal value, addressing societal and familial pressures, and advocating for open, destigmatized conversations, we can create a more compassionate and supportive environment for those facing the end of their lives.

For end-of-life support professionals, caregivers, and mental health advocates, the call to action is clear: prioritize the mental and emotional well-being of those in your care, and work tirelessly to affirm their inherent worth, irrespective of financial considerations.

A Celebration of Life and Death with Dignity

The air was filled with a sense of anticipation, joy, and celebration. Friends and family gathered at Marty’s home, ready to honor Marty and his wife, celebrating their successful life together. Yet, unbeknownst to us, this gathering held a deeper, more profound significance. It was the eve of Marty’s final day, a day he had chosen to exercise his right to the Death with Dignity process. This is a story of courage, choice, and the complex emotions surrounding end-of-life decisions.

Marty’s battle with cancer was nothing short of heroic. He faced the disease with a mix of determination and resilience, enduring countless treatments and surgeries. His spirit remained unbroken as he continued to participate in our book club, creative writing sessions, and hiking adventures. Despite his declining health, Marty never lost his passion for life or his ability to inspire those around him.

However, the reality of his condition weighed heavily upon him. The fear of losing control over his body and mind, of becoming a mere shadow of himself, was a haunting prospect. For Marty, the idea of preserving his dignity and autonomy was paramount. This led to his decision to explore the Death with Dignity process—a choice that would allow him to end his life on his own terms, free from the debilitating effects of metastatic brain lesions.

The news of Marty’s decision hit us like a whirlwind. We were blindsided, caught between the joy of celebrating his life and the heartbreak of realizing it was his final farewell. The conflicting emotions were overwhelming—shock, sadness, confusion, and even a sense of betrayal. How could our friend, who seemed to be regaining some physical strength, choose to leave so abruptly?

Yet, as we grappled with our feelings, a deeper understanding began to emerge. Marty’s decision was not a rejection of life but an affirmation of his values. It was a testament to his unwavering commitment to living life on his own terms, even in the face of death. This realization transformed our initial shock into a profound respect for Marty’s courage and clarity of purpose.

The Death with Dignity process is a legal option in several states, allowing terminally ill patients to voluntarily end their lives through prescribed medication. This choice is often surrounded by controversy, raising questions about ethics, morality, and the sanctity of life. However, for individuals like Marty, it represents a means of maintaining control and dignity in the face of a terminal illness.

For Marty, the decision was not taken lightly. It was the result of careful consideration, consultation with healthcare professionals, and deep introspection. His main fear was losing his sense of self, the very essence of who he was. By choosing Death with Dignity, Marty ensured that his final moments would be defined by autonomy and peace rather than suffering and helplessness.

My friend for 20 years, fellow book club member and creative writing partner with the men’s cancer survivors’ writing group, and our hiking partner was to leave our planet somewhere between 6 and 7 Sunday evening, if all went according to plan (it didn’t, it took 20 hours to die). His mission was to enter the Mystery, and the Unknown. Nobody was to know that Marty was dying the next day. We were all supposed to participate in some sort of celebration of their marriage, and their shared life. I was unsure whether to cry, vomit, or run away.   I saw that he had regained full use of his left arm and hand, and he was starting to regain feeling in his left leg.  Thus, I was stunned and surprised and even hurt by his decision to proceed with his Death with Dignity option.  His main fear, however, was that future metastatic lesions in his brain would take away his sense of self and rob him of control over his future dying process, so it was time to die now, while he still had freedom of choice in such matters.

I first sat next to Marty for a couple of minutes, then I gave him “my message”. He apparently did not know that I knew about his decision to abort his mission today. He was relaxed and quiet, and he listened well to me, and to those who talked with him. I was previously told that I was to be included in his final “death with dignity” process, but due to unknown reasons he shelved my support at the last minute.I still am a bit confused, and my heart is hurting. Crazy making communication around his “assisted suicide” is understandable, but that still does not protect me from its emotional and spiritual fallout. My stomach almost lost its contents, but not my heart.  I just KNEW that he was healing, yet my knowledge had no power or authority to sway Marty’s decision making around his own life and death process.

The night before Marty’s final day was a surreal experience. Sharon White, Anne LaBorde, and I had planned to attend a Michael Franti and Spearhead concert—a symbol of our shared love for music and celebration of life. Franti’s message of unity, dignity, and love resonated deeply with us, providing a source of comfort and inspiration.

Yet, the joyous anticipation was tinged with an undercurrent of sorrow. We were acutely aware that while we celebrated, Marty was preparing for his last goodbye. The juxtaposition of life and death, celebration and farewell, created a poignant atmosphere that was both uplifting and heartbreaking.

Marty’s passing left a profound void in our lives. The grief was palpable, yet it was accompanied by a sense of understanding and acceptance. We mourned the loss of our dear friend but also celebrated the life he had lived and the autonomy he had preserved until the end.

In the days and weeks that followed, we found solace in our shared memories and the lessons Marty had imparted. His choice to exercise Death with Dignity became a powerful reminder of the importance of living authentically and fearlessly, even in the face of life’s greatest challenges.

Marty’s decision to choose Death with Dignity was a testament to his strength, courage, and unwavering commitment to living life on his own terms. It was a choice that reflected his values and provided him with the peace and autonomy he so deeply cherished.

As we continue to reflect on Marty’s life and legacy, we are reminded of the importance of supporting and understanding the diverse choices individuals make at the end of their lives. Whether through cancer support groups, grief counseling, or end-of-life advocacy, there are numerous resources available to help individuals and their loved ones navigate these complex and deeply personal decisions.

For those who wish to explore further, we invite you to connect with organizations dedicated to cancer support, grief counseling, and end-of-life advocacy. Together, we can honor Marty’s legacy by fostering a compassionate and understanding community that respects and supports the diverse choices individuals make in their final days.

Navigating the Dual Challenges of Caregiving and Terminal Illness

In life, we are often faced with profound challenges that test our fortitude and shape our understanding of the human experience. For me, this test came in a two-fold challenge—one being fully present for a married couple I have known and loved for a generation, and the other providing continuous care for my disabled father. The husband, Marty, received a terminal diagnosis, while his wife struggled with death terrors and an obsessive-compulsive need to prove her worth and protect her partner. Their collapsing lives became a crucible of compassion and suffering, demanding my engagement with the unknown.

Caregiving is often seen through a lens of compassion, but it is intricately entwined with suffering. This coexistence of compassion and suffering is not just a dichotomy but a symbiotic relationship that can transform the caregiver’s experience. Watching Marty lose parts of his wonderful life and mind on his way to a Death with Dignity was a heart-wrenching ordeal. Yet, it was through this intimate witnessing of his deterioration and potential death that I found a deeper well of compassion within myself—a compassion that had to contend with my own anxiety and emotional turmoil.

The concept of being “fully present” in the face of terminal illness is often touted as a virtue. But what does it truly mean? For me, it meant being a life witness and a loving friend, even as Marty’s deterioration accelerated and his wife’s emotional state collapsed. This presence required an acceptance of the present moment, however painful or uncomfortable, and an openness to the lessons it brought. It was a transformative power that forced me to confront my own fears and anxieties, leading to an accelerated understanding and spiritual growth.

In the midst of such profound challenges, humor emerged as an unexpected coping mechanism. I used to quip, “growth is highly overrated,” feigning aversion to situations that created opportunities for personal evolution. But in the face of real adversity, finding humor became a lifeline. It was not always easy; I often came up short, missing the healthy version of my friend while learning to embrace his deteriorating self. Yet, those fleeting moments of genuine laughter provided much-needed relief and a semblance of normalcy.

The experience of caregiving for the terminally ill is a crucible for personal growth and spiritual development. It thrusts us into situations that demand more than just physical care; they require emotional resilience, spiritual openness, and an acceptance of our own vulnerabilities. Through my time with Marty and his wife, I found that personal growth often comes not through grand epiphanies but through small, meaningful interactions and reflections. It is said that “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” In my case, the teacher was Death Itself, embodied in my friendship with Marty and his wife.

Marty’s journey towards a Death with Dignity and his wife’s struggles invites us to reevaluate societal attitudes towards death and dignity. Death is often viewed as a taboo subject, shrouded in fear and denial. But my experience taught me that death can be a profound teacher, offering lessons in compassion, presence, and acceptance. It challenges us to honor the entire spectrum of the human experience—joy, suffering, vitality, and decline.

Lessons from the Teacher That Is Death

The lessons I learned from Marty and his wife were invaluable:

• Compassion and Suffering can coexist, creating a deeper, more nuanced understanding of caregiving.
• Being Fully Present in the face of terminal illness is a transformational practice, fostering spiritual growth.
• Humor can serve as a powerful coping mechanism, providing relief and perspective in challenging times.
• Personal Growth often comes from small, meaningful interactions rather than grand epiphanies.
• Societal Attitudes Toward Death need to be reevaluated to honor the full spectrum of the human experience.

The dual challenges of caregiving and facing terminal illness offer profound opportunities for personal and spiritual growth. By being fully present, finding humor, and embodying compassion, we can transform our understanding of life and death. These experiences challenge conventional thinking and encourage us to explore deeper, more meaningful connections with ourselves and others.

As we move forward, let us carry these lessons with us, honoring the wisdom of those who have faced death with dignity and the caregivers who walk alongside them. Together, we can cultivate a more compassionate, understanding, and spiritually enriched society.

Remembering Marty and the Journey of Grief

When I offered my heart in friendship to Marty, I never imagined the profound impact it would have on my life. Having kept so much of myself guarded over the years, 2017 became the year I experienced the deep connection two male human beings could share. This connection grew stronger as we ventured together through exploration and self-discovery, ultimately leading to Marty’s passing on Monday September 11, 2017.at 1:24 PM. Marty was an essential missing piece in my own journey of self-discovery. Through our friendship, I invited Marty to join me in navigating the Unknown and uncovering the Mystery of Life. Marty’s introduction to death has irrevocably changed me. Together, we walked while hope for a miracle still lingered. That miracle now resides in my heart and soul, forever altering my perception of life and death. Through his death, I have been both destroyed and renewed. This post has been a tribute to Marty, reflecting on his life, our friendship, and the lessons learned along the way.

Marty’s Journey

Marty’s battle towards his final days was filled with courage and resilience. Initially, he faced his diagnosis with a determination to find a miracle, hoping to defy the odds and overcome his illness. His strength was inspiring. He never gave up, and his unwavering hope was a testament to his willpower and desire to live. Marty’s journey was not just about his battle with illness but also about his exploration of the deeper meanings of life and death. As we spent time together, we discussed our fears, hopes, and dreams, forming a bond that transcended the physical world. Marty’s approach to his illness was an eye-opener for me, showing me the power of hope and the importance of cherishing every moment. His final days were marked by a sense of peace and acceptance, which taught me the value of letting go and finding solace in the inevitable.

Marty’s friendship taught me invaluable lessons about personal growth and the transformative power of grief. Through our bond, I learned the importance of vulnerability and the strength it brings to relationships. Allowing myself to be open and honest with Marty helped me grow as an individual and deepened our connection. The experience of losing Marty taught me that grief is not just a process of mourning but also an opportunity for self-discovery and growth. It is through the pain of loss that we find new meaning and purpose in our lives. Grief has the power to transform us, forcing us to confront our deepest fears and emerge stronger and more resilient. Marty’s death also taught me the importance of cherishing the moments we have with our loved ones. Our time together may be limited, but the memories we create and the impact we have on each other’s lives are eternal.

Losing a close friend like Marty has taken an emotional toll on my mental health. The grief and sadness that come with such a loss can be overwhelming, making it difficult to cope with everyday life. However, I have found solace in the support networks around me, including friends, family, and mental health advocates. These support networks have played a crucial role in helping me process my feelings and find ways to heal. Marty’s passing has also highlighted the importance of mental health awareness and the need for open conversations about grief and loss. By sharing our experiences and supporting one another, we can create a community that fosters understanding and compassion. The emotional toll of losing a close friend can be immense, but with the right support, it is possible to find strength and resilience in the face of adversity.

Coping with the loss of Marty has been a challenging journey, but I have found solace in remembering the moments we shared and the lessons he taught me. One way I have found comfort is through writing and reflecting on our time together. Writing down my thoughts and emotions has helped me process my grief and find a sense of closure. Another coping mechanism that has been helpful is engaging in activities that Marty enjoyed. By doing things that remind me of him, I keep his memory alive and honor his legacy. Additionally, I have found healing through connecting with others who have experienced similar losses. Sharing our stories and supporting one another has been a source of comfort and strength. Finding solace in the grieving process is not about forgetting the person we lost but about finding ways to carry their memory with us as we move forward.

Marty’s impact on my life and the lives of those who knew him is enduring. His courage, resilience, and unwavering hope continue to inspire me every day. Marty was not just a friend; he was a guiding light who showed me the importance of living life to the fullest and cherishing the moments we have with our loved ones. His legacy lives on through the memories we shared and the lessons he taught. As I reflect on our friendship, I am filled with gratitude for the time we had together and the ways in which Marty has shaped my life. Remembering Marty is not about dwelling on the sadness of his passing but celebrating the joy and love he brought into our lives.

Marty’s passing has taught me the importance of sharing our stories and supporting one another through grief and loss. By opening up about our experiences, we can create a community that fosters understanding and compassion. If you have experienced a similar loss, I encourage you to share your story and connect with others who can offer support. Together, we can find strength and resilience in the face of adversity and honor the memory of those we have lost. Marty’s legacy lives on through the connections we forge and the ways in which we support one another. Let’s continue this journey together, finding solace and healing through the power of community and shared experiences.

The lessons learned from Marty’s life and death have forever changed me. His courage, resilience, and unwavering hope have left an indelible mark on my heart and soul. Through his passing, I have been both destroyed and renewed, emerging stronger and more resilient. Marty’s legacy lives on through the memories we shared and the lessons he taught. As we continue to honor his memory, let’s remember the importance of cherishing the moments we have with our loved ones and supporting one another through the grieving process. Thank you, Marty, for being a guiding light and showing me the true meaning of friendship and love.

Rest in peace, my dear friend.

Day Of Marty’s Death, September 11, 2017

As I lie here on our driveway, and pet and caress our cat Patches, I marvel at the mystery of love and connection, and the diversity of life that expresses it, each in its own unique way.

I also reflect on the life, and the death, of my friend. As of 7:00pm this evening (death actually was 1:24 the next day), he will be pronounced dead as a result of a Death With Dignity process.

I still marvel at the mystery of love and connection, and the diversity of life and how life expresses itself.

I also grieve for the death of my longtime friend, fellow book club group member, hiking partner, weekend vacation partner, couples dinner group participant (for the last 18 years), men’s cancer survivor writer’s group member, and one of the very few men in this universe who cared about what I had to say.

The way it all ended still leaves me somewhat disoriented, as if I have been on a spinning chair for the day. This morning was excruciatingly painful for me, as I contemplated our friend’s final day of life, after sharing time with him and his friends yesterday.

I do not pretend to understand this process fully.

I still marvel at the mystery of love and our interconnections, the diversity of life, and the infinite possibilities for its expression.

Wasn’t there any other possibilities? Perhaps a miraculous exception to the rule of life and death? Maybe a redo?

After the negotiations have been completed, I once again marvel at the mystery of life and love, life’s diversity, and the courage that it takes to face our fate as human beings.

Please save yourself,

free yourself, from all of the unimportant obligations you have created.

Find your real self

Follow its loving guidance,

before its too late.

Eulogy for my friend, Marty (I wrote it, but it was not used by his wife) I never knew what I was getting involved with when I offered to you all of my heart in friendship this year, having withheld so much of myself over the years. 2017 was the year when I finally learned how closely two male human beings could connect, and ultimately become “one” on a journey of exploration and discovery on the way to your own death this past Monday, at 1:24PM. You are/were an important missing piece in my own journey of self-discovery. I tried to bring you along on the journey into the Unknown, deep into the Mystery of Life. You introduced me to Death in a way that has changed me forever. We walked together while we still could, while you still had hope for your Miracle. Another definition for Miracle now lives in my heart, and Soul. When our human knowledge parading as Truth is unveiled for the lie that it really is, insight, intuition, and Love are finally enshrined in our Heart. Through your death, I have been Destroyed, and I am now Renewed. Rest in Peace, Marty. Here is Marty’s final creative effort, a story of release from societal expectations, rigid attitudes,  structure, repression, and the lifelong oppression of the human spirit into the infinite freedom of Spirit:

We visited the Riverview Cemetery last week, Doyle and I. Truth be told, I dragged Doyle there with me. I’m a green burial plot owner, and I wanted to see my plot and its surroundings in the morning sun from the East.

Although the hour was early, a couple of parties were already at the site, evidently an early graveside service and a couple visiting a recently- interred loved one with their dog. I was also looking for a sign of completion – a sign that Eddy and I had completed the arrangements for a “final rest” in a good way.

I looked up the hillside and remarked to Doyle, “Look, a coyote loping through the midst of the people and their pets with such obvious self-confidence. You can always recognize a coyote – even if you don’t think you have ever seen one before. They are never frightened – just there, immune to danger and above the fray.”

Yes, I recognized my sign, the age-old sign of the trickster, the shape-shifting presence of the coyote. May he safely inhabit this place forever. (end of story)

Marty, though I miss you, you are now safe, healed, and whole.

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Share Your Story

If Marty’s story has resonated with you, I invite you to share your own experiences of loss and support. By opening up about our journeys, we can create a community that fosters understanding and compassion. Let’s honor the memory of those we have lost by supporting one another and finding strength in our shared experiences. Please feel free to leave a comment or reach out to connect with others who have been through similar experiences. Together, we can find solace and healing through the power of community and shared stories.

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