Healing Into A More Balanced Life-Living Life On The Widest Frequencies

Understanding the Human Archetypes of Divine Feminine, Masculine, and Androgynous for Greater Self-Awareness

Human archetypes are time-honored molds forming the substratum of our collective psyche, shared across cultural and temporal spectrums. They are innate prototypes for ideas and may manifest in recurring themes or figures in mythology, literature, and within our social paradigms. What these archetypes offer beyond mere labels is a framework through which we can decipher the apparent chaotic patterns of human behavior and personal identity.  When properly understood, archetypes illuminate patterns of human thought and behavior. Akin to a literary scholar who deconstructs patterns in narratives, recognizing archetypes allows us to deconstruct our personal stories. From the nurturing ‘mother’ to the stalwart ‘hero’, and the chaotic ‘trickster’, archetypes constitute the cast of characters that play out in diverse forms across multiple stages of society.

Carl Jung, the progenitor of the concept’s modern understanding, postulated that these archetypal figures and themes reside in what he termed the “collective unconscious”. When we become aware of these underlying patterns, we are offered a unique mirror – one that reflects not only our personal traits but also those echoing throughout humanity. This mirror offers us the first point on the map to self-awareness and personal development. The value of archetypes lies in their implementation as tools for self-reflection and growth. For instance, by understanding the ‘shadow’ archetype, we confront the darker aspects of ourselves that we often relegate to the unconscious. Reflecting on this can help us reconcile internal conflicts and grow towards a more integrated self.

Through myths and stories, these archetypes have imparted wisdom and guidance to countless generations. They serve as valuable symbols, providing lessons and insights into the human condition which are just as relevant today as they were in ancient times. Identifying with certain archetypal characters can spur individuals towards embodying the positive aspects of these archetypes in their own lives.  However, there exists the danger of succumbing to the seductive simplicity of archetypes. When we pigeonhole ourselves or others into rigid archetypal roles, we may inadvertently overlook the nuances and complexities that make up a truly individuated person. Over-identification with a specific archetype could shadow the multifaceted nature of human personality, leading to stereotyping and an undue fixation on certain behaviors or paths. The trick, therefore, lies in maintaining balance – recognizing archetypal patterns for the insights they provide while upholding the unique variations and growth potentials within each individual. It is within the interplay between these universal patterns and the singular human experiences that we uncover personal wisdom.

We can start by exploring various character archetypes in literature and myth that resonate with them. Delve into stories that feature them prominently and reflect on how these narratives may parallel aspects of your own life. Another practical step is journaling, a venerable method of self-discovery, where you can explore and track recurring themes and behaviors in your own life.  It’s about asking oneself thought-provoking questions such as “In what ways do I embody the attributes of the archetypes I am drawn to?” This can unearth surprising insights and foster a greater understanding of one’s motivations and desires.

Understanding human archetypes isn’t about confining ourselves into pre-existing boxes, but rather about recognizing the shared human narrative and locating our unique threads within it. In an age where self-awareness is pivotal to individual progress, archetypal knowledge stands as a potent tool, bridging the personal and the collective, and guiding those who seek to chart the waters of their inner worlds. Archetypes, in their boundless shapes and forms, whisper ancient truths, if only we are willing to listen and learn.

The Archetypes of Divine Masculine, Divine Feminine, and Divine Androgynous; Manifesting Sacred Spirit In Our Human Experience-Living Life On The Widest Frequency

In the realm of mythology and spirituality, the concepts of the divine masculine, divine feminine, and divine androgynous hold profound significance. These archetypal energies represent the fundamental forces that exist within and around us, shaping our understanding of the world and ourselves. It is important to delve into the essence of these concepts, drawing from various cultural contexts and modern interpretations. Students of mythology, spiritual seekers, or the curious can gain much insight into life by understanding the interplay of masculine and feminine energies on our evolutionary journey through space and time.

The divine masculine represents qualities typically associated with masculinity, such as strength, assertiveness, and action. In Greek mythology, there are examples like Zeus, the king of gods, and Hercules, known for his physical prowess. In Hindu philosophy, Lord Shiva embodies the divine masculine’s transformative power and the ability to dissolve and rebuild. Native American spirituality recognizes the warrior spirit and protection as key aspects of the divine masculine.

The divine feminine embodies qualities associated with femininity, such as nurturing, intuition, and creativity. Greek mythology has narratives with goddesses like Demeter, the nurturer, and Athena, the wise strategist. In Hindu philosophy, the goddess Lakshmi symbolizes abundance and prosperity, while Saraswati represents wisdom and artistic expression. Native American traditions acknowledge the sacredness of the Earth as Mother,  a nurturing and life-giving force.

The divine androgynous represents the harmonious integration of both masculine and feminine energies within an individual or deity. It transcends traditional gender binaries and embraces the wholeness of the human experience. In Greek mythology, the god Hermes embodies this unity of masculine and feminine energies. In Hindu philosophy, Ardhanarishvara is the divine form that combines Lord Shiva’s masculine energy with Goddess Parvati’s feminine energy.

Understanding and embracing these archetypal energies can have profound practical implications in our lives. By integrating the divine masculine and divine feminine within ourselves, we can achieve a sense of balance and wholeness. This balance allows for greater self-awareness, empathy, and the ability to navigate life’s challenges with grace and strength. Cultivating both assertiveness and compassion, logic and intuition, we tap into our full potential.

In contemporary times, the understanding of gender and spirituality has evolved, offering new interpretations of the divine masculine, divine feminine, and divine androgynous. As society embraces inclusivity and diverse gender identities, these archetypes offer a broader understanding of the human experience beyond traditional norms. Modern interpretations encourage individuals to explore and embrace the unique balance of energies within themselves, irrespective of their gender identity.

The divine masculine, divine feminine, and divine androgynous are not merely abstract concepts; they represent the intricate tapestry of energies that shape our existence. As we explore these archetypes from various cultural traditions and modern perspectives, we open ourselves to a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. By recognizing and integrating these energies within ourselves, we step into a state of wholeness and oneness, transcending the limitations of gender and embracing our full potential.

As healing human beings on the path of Spirit, we must take the time to explore these concepts further, reflecting on how they manifest in our lives and how we can cultivate a balance of energies.  We can embrace the divine masculine and divine feminine within us, honoring their unique qualities and integrating them into our journey of personal growth and spiritual evolution. Remembering that we are a reflection of the divine, encompassing the expansive spectrum of energies that make up the cosmos, we can embrace the divine within and awaken to the limitless possibilities that lie before us.

Awakening Divine Feminine Characteristics

Patriarchal culture has long dominated societies around the world, perpetuating a system that represses the divine feminine. This imbalance not only affects women but impacts society as a whole. It’s time to challenge the status quo and embrace the transformative power of emphasizing divine feminine characteristics.

When feminine traits such as nurturing, compassion, intuition, and collaboration are suppressed, we witness the emergence of a society driven by aggression, competition, and a disregard for the well-being of others. The consequences of this imbalance are evident in various aspects of our lives, from the excesses of Capitalism, uncollaborative workplaces to unfulfilling interpersonal relationships.

By emphasizing and honoring divine feminine characteristics, we can bring about a seismic shift in how we relate to one another and to the world around us. Attributes like empathy, emotional intelligence, and interconnectedness hold the potential to foster harmony, compassion, and collective well-being.

Throughout history and across cultures, there have been societies that celebrate and embrace the divine feminine. These communities exhibit a greater sense of balance and harmony. Indigenous cultures often possess a deep respect for nature, recognizing its interconnectedness with all living beings. The ancient Egyptian civilization revered goddesses, acknowledging the power and wisdom they brought to society.

To effect change on an individual and societal level, we must actively incorporate and promote feminine qualities. Here are some practical steps we can take:

• Cultivate self-awareness and embrace our own feminine traits.
• Encourage open dialogue and create safe spaces for diverse perspectives.
• Advocate for equal opportunities and inclusivity in all spheres of life.
• Support initiatives that prioritize collaboration, compassion, and care.

I have personally encountered patriarchal norms that limit the expression of feminine characteristics. However, when I have embraced and amplified these traits, I have witnessed positive changes in my own life and the lives of those around me. By emulating the characteristics of the unconditional love expressed by the divine mother through non-judgmental witnessing, small acts of kindness, active listening, and valuing emotional well-being, ripples of transformation have been created in my community.

As we strive for a more equitable and harmonious world, it is imperative to recognize the immense value of emphasizing divine feminine characteristics. By embracing qualities such as empathy, intuition, and collaboration, we can challenge the patriarchal norms that have shaped our society. Let us collectively nurture these characteristics within ourselves and in our communities, creating a more balanced, compassionate, and transformative world for all.

Leonardo DaVinci’s Motivation Behind the Mona Lisa: A Feminine Expression

Leonardo DaVinci, a genius of the Renaissance era, left an indelible mark on the world of art with his iconic masterpiece, the Mona Lisa. While countless scholars have debated the reasons behind DaVinci’s choice to paint this enigmatic portrait, I propose a unique perspective: DaVinci painted the Mona Lisa as a way to express his feminine nature.

Throughout his life, DaVinci demonstrated a keen interest in androgyny, blurring the lines between traditional gender roles. This fascination is evident in many of his artworks, where he portrayed figures with ambiguous features that transcended conventional notions of masculinity and femininity. By exploring the concept of androgyny, DaVinci challenged societal norms and opened up new avenues for self-expression.

When we examine the facial features of the Mona Lisa, we encounter a softness and delicacy that deviates from the conventional female portraits of that era. Her mysterious smile and captivating gaze seem to embody a sense of inner tranquility, introspection, and playfulness. These qualities, in my view, are reflective of DaVinci’s own contemplative nature and his desire to explore the feminine aspects of his being.

To understand DaVinci’s motivation fully, we must consider the historical context in which he lived. The Renaissance period was characterized by a renewed interest in ancient Greek and Roman philosophy, which embraced androgyny as a symbol of beauty and wisdom. By incorporating these ideals into his art, DaVinci challenged the prevailing societal norms of his time and pushed the boundaries of artistic expression.

Supporting this viewpoint, numerous art history books, documentaries, academic papers, and interviews with art historians delve into DaVinci’s fascination with androgyny. These sources shed light on his artistic exploration of gender identity and provide valuable insights into his mindset during the creation of the Mona Lisa.

It is important to note that this perspective is not intended to diminish or overshadow other interpretations of the Mona Lisa. Art, by its very nature, invites multiple viewpoints and encourages individual interpretation. However, by examining DaVinci’s personal history, artistic choices, and societal context, we gain a deeper appreciation for the subtext and underlying motivations behind this iconic masterpiece.

Leonardo DaVinci’s motivation behind the Mona Lisa goes beyond mere portraiture. It serves as a testament to his multifaceted nature and his desire to express his feminine essence. As I continue to marvel at the Mona Lisa’s enigmatic charm, I celebrate the enduring legacy of this masterpiece and the profound impact it has had on the art world.  And, I celebrate the impact that his creativity has had upon my soul.

The story of DaVinci’s Mona Lisa does not end hundreds of years ago. I had a spiritual experience in1987 where, for the first time in my life, I experienced the full measure of love that this Universe has to offer to us all.  I began to experience myself as a completely new being, which I came to call Bruce 2.0.  I felt the presence of the Divine Mother, and its love taught me about aspects of life, and consciousness, that I had no way to learn or know about otherwise.  This was not the love of a Christian God, or a Jewish God, or the Buddha Mind, or Christ Consciousness,  but those names certainly pointed to the new reality that I had somehow accessed, and had been dramatically changed by.

On May 24, 1987, as I was driving toward Beaverton to visit Randy, a lifetime friend, a wonderful vision came to me. It was the vision of a the Mona Lisa holding a baby, displayed upon the inner screen of my mind!  I felt the love of this wonderful UNIVERSE for the first time in my lifetime. There is the love we have for each other, for our friends, our pets, our children, our families, but this love that I felt flow into me, and though me, transported me into a heightened awareness, and awe. The beauty was too great to talk about, the feeling so overwhelming, so healing, so resurrecting. I had to stop my car on Canyon Blvd, and I got down on my knees and prayed my thankfulness to a CREATIVE FORCE that finally had found me receptive, and open, to its presence.

I made it to Randy’s house, and I met with him for the first time since March of 1986, when I was still intoxicated and spiritually disabled by toxic masculinity. Randy could not believe his eyes, and exclaimed

“Bruce, what has happened to you? You look different, you look happy. You look at peace. You have changed!!!”

Yes, I had changed. I started talking to Randy about my experience, and Randy started to get tingling sensations up and down his spine. The hairs on his arms starting sticking up straight off of his arms! Randy exclaimed

“Bruce, what is going on. When you talk, I start to tingle all over. What has happened?”

“Well, I think that I am having an experience with God, Randy.” I said.

“Bruce, that kind of an experience is not for me right now, but I am sure happy that you are having it, because you needed something different in life really bad, and really quick. I feared for your life!”

How right he was! I only wished that Randy could find the will to want something better for himself, but, alas, he never did. Randy died in 2013, still smoking cigarettes and drinking excessively. Randy died in his car, which he had just parked in his driveway after returning from Subway sandwiches. He was 57 years old at the time of his death, at the exact same age as his father died. I still feel his loss eleven years later.

Randy with my parents and me, during Thanksgiving of 1993

The vision of a loving mother, the Mona Lisa, holding a baby, came with a feeling of the love of this wonderful UNIVERSE for me for the first time in my lifetime. Later, I was taught to understand that this energy is the Divine Feminine, of which our patriarchal world continues to suppress daily, and has successfully done so, more or less, for at least the last 1000 generations.  The wonderful feelings and teachings that accompanied that vision became known to me as manifestations of this Divine Feminine love.

The image of the Mona Lisa holding a baby remains a fascinating, enlightening image and vision.  As I have previously indicated, Leonardo DaVinci may have painted the Mona Lisa as a self-portrait of himself, in feminine form.  His message is subject to interpretation, but in today’s terms, he appeared to be honoring his feminine side, or nature.  He saw that the source of all creativity came from this mysterious, non-verbal center within himself.  His mission was to symbolically represent the divine within himself, through the most effective medium of the day, which was painting.  My own consciousness chose this as a healing image for myself, and I also saw how this feminine side carried all of the healing love and deep feelings of goodness that I had ever wanted for myself. 

I was deprived of much motherly love in my early years, due to mother having a career, foisting my baby body onto often indifferent babysitters, and being placed on baby formula right after birth, as she was not able to nurse me.  I was literally re-birthing myself, and this image of the mother holding the baby, a image that my mind and heart conspired to paint on the inner screen of my mind to pictorially represent that perfect new birth and healing relationship..

I was given a new blank slate to write my new self upon, a new possibility for living, and being, in this world.  The world that I once wanted to depart from so badly, was now  paradise on Earth, and I knew that Heaven was not a concept for the future, but a living reality only for the present moment.  But, I could not carry the old me into that world, I had to leave ALL of my verbal and non-verbal memory possessions behind, so to speak, to stay in tune with the new Spiritual music.

I did not have the language to communicate with others what I was experiencing, for many years after 1987.  I would refer to my rebirth, and talk of the old me with those who were interested, especially in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. The people who met me after my rebirth could not believe that I was ever addicted or dysfunctional in self-destructive or other-destructive ways, and I learned to not wave that recovery flag at every new person I met, so that they could have an honest chance of knowing me for who I now was, rather than who I might have been long ago. It was my movement through all of these new relationships which helped to define for me the new me, who I was now, how I now related to and appreciated others, and how I now loved unconditionally most everyone that I met. 

All of humanity became my brother or sister in this new reality, and my lifelong sense of dreadful separation from others had been lifted. I then set out to find my people and find out where I might fit into the new world order that was revealing itself within my mind and heart.  In my naiveté, I assumed that most others naturally came by this understanding, and that I was finally catching up, spiritually, with the normal folks, the folks that never were so unhappy as to consider alcoholism, drug addiction, and/or suicide for themselves.  

Of course, my family still saw me in terms of the past, for the most part, as my history created great scars on the psyche of fellow family members, as well as the friends and acquaintances of my years prior to recovery.  But, they could appreciate that the new me no longer required their extra concern or care, as I was now an independent, upright, fairly conscious human being.  I made healthy choices in my relationships, and I chose a new, fulfilling career to replace all of the career wreckage from my past.  I was but a boy again, though, while still learning the ropes, meeting new friends, discovering new possibilities for myself and others, and, occasionally, still sipping from the inner healing springs of the Miracle that can quench the spiritual thirst of all who seek it out.

In a world dominated by patriarchal norms, the journey of embracing divine feminine energy can be both transformative and liberating. It is a process that challenges traditional beliefs, dismantles conditioning, and allows for personal growth and harmony. As a man who has embarked on this path, I have come to realize the profound importance of embracing feminine energy and breaking free from the constraints of patriarchal oppression. This patriarchal control was oppressive for me, especially since my divine feminine could not balance that energy, having never been nurtured and thus remaining so undeveloped until later in life..

The realization of patriarchal influences often comes gradually, as we become aware of the deeply ingrained beliefs and behaviors that shape our worldview. From childhood, society molds us with expectations of how men should behave, restricting our access to the nurturing and empathetic qualities associated with feminine energy. Unconscious of its impact, we perpetuate these patterns, unaware of the harm they cause both personally and culturally.

One misconception that must be addressed is the belief that embracing feminine energy is a sign of weakness. In reality, it takes great strength to acknowledge and integrate these qualities into our lives. By embracing empathy, vulnerability, and nurturing tendencies, we become more compassionate partners, fathers, sons, and friends.  Stereotypes that men cannot be nurturing or empathetic limit our ability to form deep connections and understand the experiences of others. However, by embracing feminine energy, we expand our capacity for empathy and foster more meaningful relationships.

Embarking on the journey of embracing divine feminine energy is not always easy. It requires introspection, self-reflection, and a willingness to challenge deeply ingrained beliefs. Along the way, I have taken steps to explore and embrace traditionally feminine qualities, only to stumble and learn from my missteps.  Navigating this path has had a profound impact on my personal and professional relationships. By embracing feminine energy, I have developed a greater sense of emotional intelligence, empathy, and intuition. These qualities have allowed me to connect with others on a deeper level and foster more harmonious connections.

Embracing divine feminine energy goes beyond personal growth—it has broader implications for society as a whole. By balancing patriarchal tendencies with feminine energy, we contribute to the dismantling of oppressive systems and create space for equality and understanding.  As men, we play a crucial role in challenging and dismantling patriarchal systems. Through our own transformation, we can model a new way of being—a way that embraces the strength, nurturing qualities, and wisdom associated with divine feminine energy. To my fellow men, I encourage you to embark on your own journey of embracing divine feminine energy. Break free from the limitations of patriarchal conditioning and discover the transformative power of balance. Embrace empathy, nurture our relationships, and challenge the stereotypes that confine us.

By embracing the divine feminine energy within us, we not only liberate ourselves but also contribute to the creation of a more equitable and compassionate world. Enlightened men and women have had a profound impact upon my heart for the past 37 years, and I have much more to say on this matter in later chapters.  We need each other operating at the deepest and most balanced levels to effect the change that we want to see.  Let us embark on this journey together, supporting one another and embracing the transformative power of embracing divine feminine energy.

Patriarchy and Toxic Masculinity And Their Dark Principles

Men are living through a turbulent, troubling period of time.  Their own masculinity has been called into question.  There are Fox News hosts who claim that the awakening elements of our culture are emasculating innocent men.  The truth is that men are struggling.

• Some have lost their careers, and could not recover from that loss.
• Some had no meaning in their lives, and could not recover from that.
• Some were addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, and could not recover from that.
• Some were sexually or physically abused in their youth, and could not recover from that.
• Some were addicted to the idea that their only function was to provide for their wives or family, and, having achieved success or failure, they could not recover from that.
• Some were traumatized war veterans who suffered immensely, and could not recover from that.
• Some were just waiting for a better day, and when it never appeared, they could not recover from that.
• Some were lonely and depressed, and they could not recover from that.
• Some had profound mental illness, and they could not recover from that.
• Some had a profound need to speak up around their own pain, and when they could not find a loving ear with the capacity to listen, they could not recover from that.

The effects of patriarchy and toxic masculinity, and their ugly spawn, toxic religion, toxic politics, and toxic capitalism, are the continued repression of human emotion, the feminine, and the sublime possibilities for existence. Over many centuries, men have built mutual oppression right into the very fabric of our cultural existence. Toxic masculinity values and principles underpin much of the Common Knowledge Game (CKG), which is the modern name for the phenomenon of socialized understanding of self and the other.  The following are guiding energies that tend to shape men’s thoughts and actions created through the CKG of understanding in today’s America.

1. Unconscious, harsh and inaccurate self and other judgement, with resultant poor self-esteem inculcated into boys from birth by our wayward fathers, religions, and cultures.
2. Remaining ignorant or fearful of our own feelings, including anger and grief, or expressing them unskillfully, We have been trained to ignore or to hide from our own feelings
3. Letting stress go on unabated in our lives, without challenging its points of origin
4. Loss of emotional and physical safety in home, school or work environments
5. Not communicating honestly with others, while carrying the painful feeling of not being heard or appreciated,
6. Eschewing deep and meaningful relationships with others,
7. Excessive competitiveness with others while engaging with greed, trying to “keep up with the Jones’ “,
8. Attempting to prove self-worth in environments where self, and others’, worth is disrespected, thus trying to fit in where we really don’t belong,
9. People pleasing, at the expense of our personal integrity and truth.
10. Not speaking up for ourselves or for others that are oppressed for fear of being marginalized,or further victimized
11. Over immersion in entertainment, binge watching of television, obsessive video game playing, and excess reliance upon Snapchat, Facebook, or other social media platforms for social awareness and connection
12. Excessive eating and/or eating excessive sugar, salt, or processed foods
13. Not exercising, not hiking in Nature and thus staying away from its healing balm
14. Excessive drinking of alcohol, use of recreational drugs to the point of habituation (including marijuana),
15. Smoking and chewing tobacco, all the while knowing that behavior is killing us
16. Using sex as a way to emotionally hide or escape, or to control or manipulate others, We are selfish with our sexuality.
17. Workaholic behavior, and forgetting how to laugh and play well with others. Because of our lack of prosperity, employers abuse our work ethic to encourage us to become workaholics, which ends up keeping us out of the connecting, healing currents of friendships and family relationships.

In our efforts to meet the needs for economic security, continue our family line, and meet our sexual needs, we often make sacrifices that diminish our health, our sense of well-being, our community connections, and our personal integrity.  And, as most wives know, men are usually quite unwilling to make any meaningful changes in their behavior, unless they are about to die.

TOXIC men’s attitudes are spawned through an unwillingness to embrace real change.  Spiritual freedom exists independently of guns, money, or religion,

The primary contributor to the continuing cultural disease and dysfunction is men’s unwillingness to make fundamental changes in attitudes and behavior. White male privilege, patriarchy, and toxic masculinity are three useful terms denoting the entrenched, institutionalized nature of our dysfunction, which is a major disease of the human spirit. This disease has its deadly flames fanned by our cultural denial of a deadly truth, which is the foundation for the conspiracy of silence. Our unskilled male behavior collectively remains a national disgrace, as we continue to dishonor each other, our animal brothers and sisters, the environment, and our planet Earth.

Men who are not happy with themselves directly influence others to be unhappy, too.

Men are still predominantly in control and create most of our cultural narratives, while steering the conversation away from the truth that MEN’S ATTITUDES ARE A PRIMARY CAUSE of cultural dysfunction. Our ideas for addressing the problems of gun violence, addiction, greed, racism, and sexism tend to avoid obvious, rational solutions, because we don’t want to face ourselves, and we feel inept at collaborating with others with healing intentions. And, failure to face ourselves while remaining in healthy communication with others will lead to the same self-destructive end that eventually happens to all humans and their attempts at maintaining civilization.

A prime example is the NRA and the corrupted politicians who do not act to reduce the proliferation of automatic weapons. These allied forces are sponsors of national terrorism. Just how many automatic weapons does it take to make America’s gun owners feel safe? It is just that many weapons that it takes to make America unhealthy, insane, fearful, and outside of the picture of potential national healing. Gun violence directly stems from a national mental illness, and guns are never the proper medication to alleviate the symptoms. One automatic weapon is too many, and 300,000,000 is never enough, so goes the divided, self-destructive collective mind of America.

There Is Something Fundamental Here

I had an amazing, cathartic experience around the origins of my own toxic masculinity. The following story recounts an experience that I had in 2017. If it weren’t for the incredible spiritual strength, and wisdom, of my life partner, Sharon White, I would not have been able to have, what some people call, the following life-changing insight into myself.

It was on a Thursday morning in February, and I was preparing to go to the Pilates class that Sharon and I attended each Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday at our athletic club. Typically, I wanted to get there a little early, so that we could warm up on an exercise bicycle, with a little aerobic activity that I still enjoyed participating in, since I no longer ran, having retired late last year after a lifetime of enjoyment, and pain.

It was 9:15, and I was fully prepared to leave, while Sharon remained on the telephone, talking with a friend. As it turned 9:19, I spoke to her, in my most innocent of voice,

“Can we go now?”

Sharon had a series of responses that I won’t repeat here, but three things that she said coincided with me entering into an altered state of consciousness.  I felt the presence of something so basic, so fundamental, so raw, so real, so hurt, that I raged for a couple of minutes, declaring several times:

“There is something fundamental here!”

The trapped energy of a lifetime was released. I became aware of a pain so deep, and so all-encompassing, resulting in an anger from a source that I had never touched before, at least as a verbally conscious human being.

Sharon and I went our separate ways for a few hours, while we both tried to understand what had just transpired. Leading up to this experience, I had been intensely exploring the entirety of my life experience, having written 70 pages about my early childhood, maturation process, addictive and self-destructive cycles, and glimpses into higher possibilities for living. Without me realizing it, all of the personal story writing had placed me into the psychological space of all of my past wounding, pain and suffering.

After a meditation, I had a realization. My wounded innocence or foundational essence had cried out, and I listened to it, without my ego repressing it as it had for 61 years. I also saw, for the first time, the wounding process that I shared with my father. I felt an incredible compassion, love, and acceptance for my father, who had also suffered immensely under the spiritually destructive parenting of his own diseased parents.  I also understood the foundation behind my father’s, and my own, need to overachieve just to feel like we had any value.

I finally had experienced the most basic nameless suffering of an ignored child, or baby, and I have now given it verbal description:

• MY VOICE IS WORTHLESS.
• I HAVE NO VALUE.
• I MUST BE ALONE IN THIS WORLD.
• I WILL CRY ALONE UNTIL I DIE.

Sharon paid the price for a couple of hours, while I listened to and experienced the wounded baby within me.

I had an insight that still informs me today.

I saw the foundation that was laid for my poor self-esteem, and my need to outperform or overachieve just to mine what little love was available in the world.  I also saw how we, as humans, keep layering ourselves and our ideas upon what somebody else is saying, rather than meeting the being where they are, and responding according to the dictates of our heart center, which in most people, ESPECIALLY MEN, has been scabbed over by our own early spiritual wounding. Men inflict their own wounding on everybody else, in subtle, or not so subtle ways. Usually, this manifests in overly competitive behavior and dominating or intimidating others if one has a strong physical presence, or, in subservience and passive aggressive behavior, if self-confidence is compromised. Collaboration and cooperation become nasty words for all such practitioners. Philosophies of the scarcity of love,  oppression/repression of self and others, and of the monetization of relationships and most of reality arise out of this wounding.

All oppressed groups remain victimized and marginalized, and are only stick figures in the oppressor’s dreams of those seeking world domination.

When our personalities have been formed by the integration of our perceptions into an unconscious, unnamed, unrecognized dark energy, we create self-defeating tricksters within our minds, which become our internal advisors for life. We end up creating an energy exchange dynamic where we project our dysfunction onto others, and make them wrong for it, not recognizing that we were the source of our misplaced judgement. I have acknowledged their very presence within my own mind, and that their continued distorting presence can determine how I view reality. The spiritual thorn in my side has been that my voice has not be heard, which is the adult version of my infantile suffering and separation from love.

When I am not fully conscious, the unfocused, chaotic energy within my mind makes me a poor listener. If I can quiet my mind long enough to listen with my heart to what is being said, I can respond accordingly with the intelligence of my heart. As a race and a culture, we are often too eager to respond with ego programmed responses, which, typically, are based on early trauma and other wounding and our failure to fully heal from it,  incomplete perceptions or someone else’s knowledge, so being mindful is a huge help.

In our attempt to be heard, we instead try to program people, unconsciously, to behave and react more in accordance with our expectations. When they don’t, which they rarely do unless they are our impressionable young children, we are very disappointed and feel rejected, and, in the absolute, we feel betrayed by the sum total of exchanges between the parties. It is deadly to attempt to control the other’s experience through linking our own unhealed energy with their own, yet that characterizes much of our perceptual universe.

I do not want a life that has been lived in vain. I also see a world where the majority of us still suffer from the same, basic issues that I have tried to describe here. Even among some people closest to me, denial reigns supreme, and I have only a small measure of hope that the personal truth that I am trying to convey here will actually be heard, and applied by others that I care about, which now includes the entirety of our planet Earth.

“There is something fundamental here.”

As a baby, my parents placed a blanket around my baby body, and deposited me in a car in their garage so that my father could get at least 5 hours of sleep a night. My father was chasing the American Dream, and worked two jobs at the time.  My father was a minion of the Capitalist philosophy, while unconsciously controlled by his own wounded nature and practicing his unique version of an overachieving and frequent toxic man.

I don’t need to remind any of my loved ones of the profoundly damaging effects of denying love and interactive time to a developing human being. What I might need to remind myself at times is that others, no matter what their age, or how much that I think that I know them, continue to be developing human beings, and they deserve my undivided attention, while they attempt to reveal who they are in this moment.

If I do not want to grow anymore, I will stop listening to what others are really trying to say. If i don’t want to be of service to my fellow-man/woman, I can just stop listening to what they are trying to express, and just layer my own ignorance and judgement, over somebody else, and not let them reveal to me who they Really Are in this special moment.

Another clue about our own, or the others’ listening intention, is when we try to share a profound life event, and then are immediately run over by another with more knowledge on the subject. Sometimes we, or the other, either have too much book knowledge, we have the certificate, we already have read about it on the internet, we have memorized something from a class that we already took, or we have a friend who has already been there and done that!  What about that friend or family member who checks their phone, and Googles information, perhaps to confirm their own biases or (mis)understandings, instead of accepting the validity of the energy that we are attempting to share in this new, unique moment?

Our President, and many of our politicians, are masters at this. Please don’t inflict this same treatment on the ones you love. It is like putting a blanket around our heart and soul, and putting us into the car, so that those with a dehumanizing or monetizing philosophy can continue to oppress others, while keeping themselves spiritually asleep.

Whether any of us can accept it, or even want to try to believe that it is possible, there is a unique truth, which some call divine inspiration, which reveals Itself moment to moment. In my ignorance, disguised as “knowledge”, I throw a ‘blanket” around IT, and throw IT in a car, so that I can continue to sleep.

We all have a secret that needs to be told

We all have secrets from others that need to be told to us.

We all need to be more willing to listen for the deeper meanings of each other.

There is something fundamental here.

I choose Compassion today, with its loving, compassionate listening ear..

We are all developing human beings, no matter what our age. And, we are all God’s children, and God speaks through us, whether we can hear the “truth”, or not. Sometimes the “truth” is so difficult to hear, that we shut down emotionally, and we either ignore what is said, or substitute our own story for what the “other” is trying to communicate.

Please, listen to your self. Please, listen to the other.

Far too many men engage in our cultural conspiracy of silence daily, which is a most deadly component of the CKG.  These include the following admonitions:

• don’t talk
• don’t tell
• don’t touch
• don’t feel
• don’t engage
• don’t listen
• don’t change
• don’t heal

Caricature of men working things out between themselves. The conspiracy of silence is inculcated into many males, and females, too.

The abhorrent behavior of the 45th POTUS, Donald Trump, who is the poster boy and face for toxic male stupidity and darkness has become the de-facto leader of the energy of toxic masculinity.. If we as a culture, and me as an individual, don’t speak out, and affirm to ourselves, and to others, what the truth really is to us, then eventually the hypnosis and propaganda of others may become our own collective reality, and continue to overtly influence our personal integrity, community relationships, emotional health, and positive spirituality.

The historical legacy of the American white man’s ignorance and evil, and his support network of unconscious, disempowered, fearful and/or cowardly family and community members, continues even up till today.  Subservient women, often times religiously inculcated to be that way, continue to follow their husband’s lead, and as a group remain one of the leading populations of unconscious support for continued unhealthy male dominance. There always comes the day when the family of the woman under the husband’s domination needed for her to speak up the most, and the whole family is further damaged because of her own silence and continued powerlessness.

Women remain the number one oppressed group of humanity, though the blacks/African Americans, native American Indians, and other racial and ethnic groups have not escaped the grasp of white male privilege, masquerading as American Christianity inspired capitalism and politics.

Here are some principles of toxic masculinity that I found live in our collective consciousness, and which also lived in unconscious domains of my own mind and heart. I have exaggerated them, and linked them with common monetary, sexual, and personal power dynamics. And yes, these principles, or variations of these themes, are part of the Common Knowledge Game (CKG) fundamentals for erroneous understanding of self and other. If they appear to mimic some of the values and principle’s underlying Donald Trump’s abhorrent behavior, then you are already paying close attention to our collective consciousness, and its dangerous and sometimes catastrophic influence on the affairs of humanity throughout our history.

1. I am the center of the Universe. The rest of humanity is here either for my pleasure, for my profit, or for my disdain. I may attend a church occasionally, so that I can create the impression that I worship a higher power than myself. But, I already know that there is no higher power but me. HUMILITY IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME, and is only for the poor and weak among us.
2. Truly loving another human being is a sign of weakness, and thus I must continue to suppress all such impulses so that I can achieve my selfish goals. I will carry on a campaign of hatred, judgement, and condemnation of all people unlike myself, all the while claiming to represent their interests at the highest level of my being (with subtlety, if one is of the passive/aggressive nature) . The ignorant people populating my world will hopefully associate my hateful behavior with their understanding of what love is, thus damaging the hearts and souls of all who may fear, respect, and/or follow me. My schizophrenia will be confusing to others, but may still be normalized, as others that I have influenced model and support my behavior.::
3. People, and Mother Nature itself, are most valuable if they can be monetized. If I can’t make money from my relationship with people or our natural surroundings, then I don’t necessarily need them. They will have to prove that they belong in my life in some other selfish, self-serving ways. I choose to neglect the long term effects of my short sighted thinking, because now is the only moment to profit from others, and from the Earth.
4. Never admit that I am wrong. Always blame somebody else for my problems. The admission of guilt is a sign of weakness, and only for those who do not have sufficient monetary and legal power. I don’t need your forgiveness for my mistakes, because, as far as you should be concerned, I do not ever make mistakes.
5. I have a right to choose how much drugs and alcohol that I consume.  I do not need feedback from others telling me that I am abusing my medicine and/or alcohol.  I have earned the right to drink as much as I feel like, because I have so much stress in my life, and  I make so many sacrifices that I deserve an extra break and release through excessive alcohol and;/or drug consumption.  I do not have a problem, and if you think that I have a problem with my chemicals, then it is your misunderstanding, and not my own.
6. Never spend any time in self-reflection or meditation. Developing insight is difficult and time-consuming, and I have more important things to do  I am already perfect, I always have been perfect, and everybody else needs to change to accommodate my needs. If I am not “perfect” today, I always have someone, or something, else to blame.
7. I have a right to use my strong emotions to intimidate and threaten anybody that I need to in order to get my way.  My anger is a weapon, to be wielded whenever necessary, and its expression is my first selection from my arsenal of control tools in manipulating and controlling my world.
8. If I can’t get my way with another human being, then I will cajole or bully them into submission, or attack their name and character, and/or impugn their dignity, until they either submit, or are discredited by my allies.
9. Everybody unlike me  should be distrusted. Relationships built through mutual trust and collaboration can be threatening to my short-term goals, and should not be cultivated, as only alliances of hate and distrust are capable of bringing me to my goals.
10. The women in our lives are more suited to be our personal possessions than self-sufficient, independent people, and are not to be treated as equals, and are better suited for exploitation for family support, sexual purposes and/or economic gain.
11. If I can’t get my way through truth-telling, then the telling of lies becomes my most potent weapon. If I am caught in a lie, then it is only your misunderstanding of my point, and not what I said, that is wrong. If I tell the same lie often enough, then people will start to accept the lie as the truth.
12. If there is no conflict currently in progress, then I must start creating the conditions for the next one, and socially position myself so that I can maximize emotional profits and visibility for myself.
13. I never will obtain enough money, power, sex, or attention to keep me happy. I must continue to pursue these needs to extremes in order to keep me from becoming depressed and losing my sense of personal value in this world. If I achieve my goals, and I am still unhappy, I must set new goals to attempt to fill that big hole in my heart and soul.
14. The powers of my penis reigns supreme. When it is erect, it always points me in the right direction, regardless of the people who may be hurt by my wayward sexual desires. My self-esteem is dependent on how many women that I can convince to make love to me, and nobody is immune from my advances. One is too many, and a thousand is not enough, when it comes to sexual conquests.
15. I am the king of my home. I have created my kingdom to serve my selfish needs. If my rules are not honored, and my intentions for the family do not hold up, and family members start to stray, I will coerce, cajole, or threaten all wayward members with violence, if necessary. The family must stay together under my control, no matter what the cost to others might be.
16. Perfectionism and full control of others should not be mutually exclusive propositions. I will judge, criticize, and condemn others, and myself, as needed, to bring all of my world into alignment with how I think that it should be. I will compare and contrast my wealth and success with others to establish the best baseline for my expectations and behavior. My wife and my children are first and foremost my possessions. I will direct and control as necessary, and nobody else has any right to criticize my choices in how I provide and care for them.  My whole sense of self-esteem is derived by how deeply they honor and obey me, without argument or back talk. I do not want or need alternate points of view, as my view is the only view that is relevant.
17. If those closest to me engage in betrayal, and destroy my sacred relationship with my family, I must avenge myself, and destroy all who have threatened my life and values. My wife is my property, and my property alone.  If she should ever have an affair with another man, I reserve the right to punish her and my family, up to, and including, murdering them. If I must die in the process, it is a good death for me.
18. Self sabotage is my unconscious need, as I fail to achieve my goals.  It is my right to destroy my creations even as I destroy myself, so murder-suicide is an acceptable option in the extreme, when my needs have been dishonored, and I feel that I have no more options to achieve my goals, and improve my life situation.
19. I have been a failure since I never measured up to my father’s, my church’s, or my society’s standards. I will continue to self-sabotage my success at ever bend in life’s road, and I will see life as a self-fulfilling prophesy of incompleteness and loss. I will not even question that my life has other possibilities for it, and I will resign myself to my depressing fate.
20. I reserve the right to murder anybody, when it suits my needs to protect myself. I will justify my possession and use of firearms through quoting the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, as well as pointing to the fear and threats in our world, and our country as my own justification for stockpiling weapons. I will not listen to reason, as my mind is made up, and you can have my weapons after “prying them from my cold, dead hands” (thanks NRA, and the late mega-asshole Charlton Heston).

This list is the abbreviated list, as aspects of our collective selfishness covers the entire range of human darkness.  Men burdened by toxicity tend towards sexism, racism, isolation, poor judgement against all others unlike themselves, and low self-esteem, while men moving towards spiritual healing tend to unite with others in peace and mutual acceptance, and a willingness to share an improving sense of their self with the world.

 While living a toxic male life, I created some of my own writings on “pain”, which originated while I was hidden in the  Care Unit for Alcoholic Rehabilitation, in 1984.  These poems are from the hand, and heart, of a toxic man who was in the initial stages of awakening. The following are two different iterations for Pain that I penned in 1984

PAIN

Though the dark cloud looms on the horizon, it is also hidden within myself.

It appears to hover in the distance, just beyond my reach, and it patiently waits my most vulnerable moment.

I then feel the initial mist from its clouds, suspecting that I am its intentional target.

A piercing wind picks up, hugging me with its frozen arms, and I vainly look for protection

As the torrential downpour begins, I feel my tenuous sense of peace and safety eroding beneath my feet.

As it strips back, layer, upon layer, upon layer, upon layer, of my consciousness, exposing a bedrock bereft of sanity.

Exposing long forgotten mental relics, threatening old, unhealed memories, and dangerous old habits,

Stinging, piercing, hurting me at my core, obscuring visions of glorious, yet impossibly distant futures,

Washing away all tenuously held possessions of sanity, and hope.

Uprooting the feeble foundation of a life desperately, but futilely, attempting to, yet again, reconstruct itself,

Carrying a powerless, helpless, desperate soul back into toxic chemical valleys, amid a dark, swirling depression,

Ravaging, drowning, then decaying.

Part II

Yes, growing without roots, with a will that won’t bend,

Weathering life’s storms, which never seem to end.

No longer waiting for the sun that was once promised to arise,

How could truth’s light possibly shine in dimmed eyes?

Having reached with futility for all the high goals of life,

With no spiritual growth, while consumed by inner strife.

Devoid of healing affection, and a stranger to real love,

Unrealistic hope was what my failed dreams were all made of.

Despair meets each day, summer has now changed into fall,

Looking at life, I am totally disgusted by it all.

Dying of loneliness, and holding life by only a thread,

With me rotting inside, hopefully, I soon will be dead.

Pain,

Why?

There is no mystery to me as to why some people choose suicide, continued ignorance, or continued addictions over becoming more consciously aware, and fully embracing recovery from cultural and individual ignorance. In 1986, my choice was for continued addictions and, ultimately, suicide, until I awoke to the potential for healing in my life in 1987. The potential for recovery is only that, a potential, unless one develops a conscious intention to break free from the tight grip of grief, loss, and heartbreak. Pain, and suffering, without any hope for healing, brings anger, despair, depression, loneliness, and suicidal ideation.

As the wise ones advise:  To change my world, I first change myself. There is terrorist, a Nazi, that lives deep down within all of us.  Once we have addressed our darkness, and healed it through bringing our light to it (insight), it loses its power to unconsciously control us.  Then, when we go out into the world to subdue the evil that sometimes erupts in dank, dark places, we can fight the actual enemies, and not waste energy fighting projections of our unhealed self.The fundamental oppressive force in the human universe is not our wayward political or social agendas, it is the human mind itself.

Be careful in there!

Punch A Nazi Sign at June 2018 Portland, Oregon Rally for Immigrants and their families

‘Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice

—–Vin Diesel

Reclaiming the Grandfather Great Spirit’s Wisdom: The Sacred Masculine

In the vast tapestry of Native American traditions, there exists a figure often overlooked in the shadow of the earth mother and her nurturing ways— the Grandfather Great Spirit. As we stride into the heart of modernity, this timeless beacon provides not only a connection to the past but also a pivotal guide for the future, particularly in the exploration of the sacred masculine. It is about reclaiming a balance, a wisdom buried under the debris of industrial ambition, and rediscovering the strength and serenity that comes from within— not just for men, but for all.

The Native American viewpoint does not subscribe to a dichotomous view of gender. Instead, it recognizes certain energies and principles that are ascribed to the Sacred Masculine; the Grandfather Great Spirit embodies a plethora of profound qualities. There is the stillness and stoic wisdom found in the patriarch that speaks to the ability to listen deeply, to both the earth and the people. It’s the nurturing vision that knows no color or boundary, seeing the interconnectedness of all things. The Warrior archetype does not clamor for war but stands in defense of Mother Earth, her children, and the future— a protector with skill born from restraint and reverence.

The surge of the industrial age brought with it a shadow, wherein the values of competition and conquest overshadowed those of kinship and reverence. The male psyche, ignited by the fire of industry, has often forgotten to acknowledge the gentler flames that have always been tended by the Grandfather Great Spirit. Society, with its constructs and expectations, has begun to blur the vision of true masculinity— turning our gaze away from the earth and clouding it with material pursuits.

My perspective on the topic is not only derived from a philosophical understanding but is deeply intertwined with personal experiences. I’ve seen the subtle grace of my grandfather, a man who raised two beautiful children with my grandmother under trying economic and poor personal health conditions.  He was an unassuming man who was laconic and spoke softly but carried a profound understanding of the world. His teachings, though unfashionable in the tumult of progress, still resonate within me, pushing me to seek a quieter strength amid the cacophony of the modern age. I recognize the echoes of the Grandfather Great Spirit in him. 

Therein lies the challenge and the opportunity— to find the way back to the heart of this sacred wisdom. It requires a conscious effort to peel back the layers of societal conditioning that have veiled the perception of true masculinity. It is not an easy journey to undertake, for it beckons men to explore and women to respect these sacred tenets that, in their essence, are not exclusive to gender but are a call to a more balanced existence.

I urge each of us to reflect, to start the conversation on reclaiming the Grandfather Great Spirit’s place in our lives. We must become the storytellers that carry forward the legacy of unobstructed vision and unwavering loyalty to the earth and its beings. It does not require a complete overhaul of our lives but a reorientation of our spirit. There is no prouder legacy to leave the next generation than the understanding that strength and wisdom can work hand in hand with compassion and humility.

The sacred masculine stands not in opposition to the nurturer but as her companion, equally valuable and deeply intertwined. In honoring the Grandfather Great Spirit, we do not look back with vacant longing, but we glean from him the strength to forge ahead with purpose and unity. It is in this unity, under the all-encompassing sky of fraternity, that the true potential of mankind lies. It is a potential we would be remiss to ignore, for we are not so advanced that we have outgrown the need for wisdom, nor are we so enlightened that we can turn a blind eye to the darkness of our own making.

It’s time to step back, to listen to the elders, and to reclaim the Grandfather Great Spirit’s wisdom— for the earth’s sake, and for our own.

To feel pain is to be alive, to feel another’s pain is to be human—-Leo Tolstoy

Like Anais Nin, I am a writer, and an explorer of the deepest, darkest recesses of human experience, in addition to being a mystic, and spiritual adventurer.  I constantly surf the seemingly chaotic waves of the human experience that spiritual evolution is a remedy for, while bringing healing and balance to my life and riding the waves of my consciousness onto Spirit’s final peaceful shores.  And, as a human biological organism, I have both been given a male gendered human body, and lived under the rules of a diseased culture sickened by the rampages of toxic masculinity.  I have sought, and found, the divine masculine archetype within myself, and I now embrace it as a most important aspect of myself.

Resonating with the Divine Masculine: The Highest Qualities of Manhood

In our rapidly evolving global society, the definition and expectations of manhood are in a state of flux. While we as a culture break free from the rigid stereotypes of the past, there arises an opportunity to redefine masculinity in alignment with higher virtues—virtues that draw inspiration from the divine masculine archetype. This noble construct represents an evolved version of manhood, where integrity, honor, and respect reign supreme.

Traditionally, the divine masculine archetype has been associated with strength, assertiveness, and rationality. However, invoking the divine masculine in the modern context calls for a broader, more nuanced understanding—one that harmonizes power with compassion and courage with vulnerability.

The bedrock of the divine masculine is integrity. As men, our word is our bond, and our actions are congruent with these values. Honor is not merely about personal pride but about living up to a set of ethical standards that ensures our actions contribute positively to the well-being of others. Respect, particularly in its deepest form, acknowledges the intrinsic worth of every being and the natural world, guiding interactions with wisdom and empathy.

These traits are not outmoded relics of chivalry but timeless virtues that are actively cultivated by all evolving men. These righteous ideals hold the key to personal fulfillment and societal harmony.

A Blueprint for Elevating Men to Their Highest Potential

The divine masculine archetype serves as a spiritual blueprint for personal growth. It does not seek to fit men into a one-size-fits-all mold but rather invites each individual to aspire to their highest potential in all spheres of life—emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.

Strength is reimagined not only as physical might but also as the strength of character—the courage to do what’s right even when it’s difficult. True courage involves facing not only external challenges but also confronting internal shadows and insecurities.  Another remarkable quality of the divine masculine is the coexistence of compassion and strength. True manhood understands that vulnerability is not antithetical to bravery. Rather, acknowledging one’s emotions and extending empathy are acts of profound courage that nurture both the self and the community.

These qualities are not merely for personal edification; they have a ripple effect on the wider social fabric. Men who embody these virtues lead by example, fostering a culture of equity, justice, and mutual support.

None can deny the importance of mentorship and role models in shaping the character of young men. Positive examples provide tangible pathways for emulating the divine masculine qualities. Whether it be a father figure, teacher, or community leader, mentors play a pivotal role in guiding men towards responsibility, kindness, and honor.

Finally, it is imperative to recognize that upholding the divine masculine requires jettisoning toxic and exclusionary notions of masculinity. Severing the ties with behaviors rooted in dominance and aggression, the divine masculine archetype understands that true strength lies in service, protection, and fostering growth in oneself and others.

By promoting a masculinity that is inclusive, we acknowledge that the highest qualities of manhood are not reserved for a privileged few but are attainable for all men, and indeed benefit everyone, irrespective of gender.

The quest for divine masculinity is one of becoming and evolving—a constant striving for the ideal. It requires thoughtful introspection, steadfast purpose, and heartfelt compassion. In a world beleaguered by conflict and division, cultivating the highest qualities of manhood could not be more important. For within the heart of every man lies the potential to resonate with the divine and inspire a more conscious, loving, and just world.

May we all, men and women alike, heed the call to elevate ourselves and each other in the collective embodiment of these ancient, yet incredibly relevant, virtues.

Dreams Can Become the Vehicles That Carry Us Into Higher Measures of Healing.

On October 25, 2022 I awoke at midnight, with an extreme anxiety reaction.

I was dreaming of being in a car with my beloved grandpa Henry, my mother’s father, who died in 1990. There were two dark, threatening characters in the car with us. I knew that I must confront the two dangerous men, to protect my grandpa. I exited the car, and, in my mind, knew that I must subdue these men, even if it cost me my life, otherwise my grandpa would perish.

The conclusion says it all–I was totally willing to sacrifice myself to save the presence of my grandfather.   Yet, what does the word, and the experience, of “grandfather” really mean to me on the psychological/spiritual plane?

In 1992 , while living in the Rock Creek area with Sharon, I had a most amazing dream. In this dream, I was in my grandfather’s home, sleeping in the bedroom that i always slept in as a child.  A “fierce, fiery cluster, or orb, of pure light and love” hovered over me, and though it did not have human form, I knew it to be “my grandfather”.  In shamanic terms, it was an actual experience of my eighth chakra, though, in my dream state, I recognized it as my deceased grandfather.  I was being drawn into his love light, and I knew that, for me to continue, this energy would destroy my body because my body was too weak to support this “fire of love” that came to me.  I did not care, for I had finally found what I was looking for, and I began to rise up, and attempt to join with it, knowing my body would be destroyed in the process.

Now, in real-time, in the physical world, my body was shaking and almost convulsing, and, to Sharon, my crying and distress showed that I was having a nightmare.  In her concern, she woke me up, and I had never felt so disappointed to have to wake up, as it ripped me away from this most remarkable inner experience.  But the dream carried many fruits with it into the world that our bodies inhabit.  I knew that if I wanted to entertain, or to even host, the higher vibrations of love, my body (both physical body and the body of thought constituting myself) I needed to be dramatically strengthened or my body would literally be destroyed, and this was part of the underlying motivation that culminated in my becoming nearly an elite athlete, by the time I was 46 years old.

This whole scenario, minus the 8th chakra understanding (or grandfather’s dream light) played out in my real world.  In my intense desire to finally bring forth my story of hope and healing to the world, the energy unleashed caused me incredible suffering, both physical and psychological, and I knew that I was going to die, if this energy did not get transmitted in such a way that my body could survive. I am hesitant to talk of it, even now, as there is no guarantee that this body of mine is still going to hang around.  Yes, I gained access to an incredible energy field, yet, for over one year, I remained quite fatigued.. But, I know that I am supposed to be writing this account of my 1992 dream, as the “God Chills”, or horripilations, accompany my words.

I come full circle to my grandfather. In 1992, I was willing to disappear into the ball of light my grandfather was. Yet, upon awakening, I knew that I was not strong enough to carry that vast, seeming infinite energy of love.

By the confrontation with, insight into, and the subduing of these two dark forces within me, the liberation of “Grandfather, Great Spirit” becomes inevitable.  A prayer of gratitude-Grandfather, Great Spirit, Thank You, appeared in my mind and heart back then, as well.  I honor that intention and energy daily, and have for over thirty years.

I was the beneficiary of a transcendent meditation in 1987,  My Holy Spirit, appearing as the Sacred Silence, gave to me, for a brief moment, a view of my life energy field.  In it were embedded two tricksters.  The Silence just witnessed these forces with me-for we were One for that miraculous moment, but We/I took no immediate action upon them.  I was troubled for 29 years as to what these tricksters represented, but I knew that they were not there for my good, and yet I had no narrative for them.   I eventually forgot about them, and continued the process of rebuilding my new, more spiritualized identity, without directly addressing these confusing, ineffable forces, until late 2016.  With the encouragement of my wife Sharon, and best friend Marty Crouch(deceased), and the inspiration of Sheila Hamilton, writer of the book All The Things We Never Knew, I finally began weaving into a coherent narrative the story of the collective and individual effects of traumatic wounding

Dark forces common to all humanity plague all of us, either directly through our life experience, or through our relationships with other members of our family and of society.

Intergenerational trauma (the effects of war, terrorism, murder, religious wounding, alcoholic predispositions, patriarchal-societal dominance and oppression, with resultant misogyny and child neglect, racism, income inequality, etc.) plagues all of us, whether we are conscious of these facts, or not.  We all make accommodations to these dark forces,  and yet those adaptations that we make often define us, rather than encourage us to fearlessly confront the issues, and press onward for transformative change within ourselves and our world.

Personal wounding and subsequent dysfunction and repressive responses through individual life experience (moral injury, abandonment/neglect as baby, ptsd) are dark forces that torment most of us and must be faced, if we are to be clearer channels for healing and love’s intentions.

I am those tricksters, while remaining unconscious, and unmotivated to do anything about them.

I am Grandfather, Great Spirit when I confront these issues, see them for what they are, and refuse to be led down the dark pathways that they inevitably point to.

I get very sick when I stop looking at these issues, and also stop writing about them. 

I continue to evolve, and as I also write and talk about my insights, the process of spiritual healing will bring greater health benefits to me, and to those inspired to action by all such efforts.

The Divine Masculine?

My “search for Truth” would take a long detour through my relationship with my father.  I never had much desire to write about the “search for truth” that I had undertaken in the 1980’s, let alone the rest of my oft-times irrelevant,  isolated life. Why on earth would I want to write about important elements of my family, or of my personal life? The answer to that question is that I never did, up until around five years ago. When I had to retire early from my career as an electrician to provide extra care for my father, I finally had the time to consider where I was, where I had been, and where I might want to be, for the limited time that I had left on this planet. I saw how my life’s foundation was that which was provided for by the works and processes established through our family’s history, and through the history of all fathers who had ever lived.

There are some who thought that my father was a horse’s ass, but that is the view one sometimes gets when in second place, having been passed by his race horse of a mind. A man like my father, who lived a full life, could have his own book written about him, and not scratch the surface of all the people that he impacted, positively or negatively, and all of the experiences that he had, all of the humor that he shared, and all of the wisdom that he developed.  My sister, my wife, and I wrote several pages of “Beryl-isms”, which are quotes directly from my father about life in general.  I have presented twenty of his “top fifty” statements, which he repeated many times over the last few years of his life.  In parenthesis, I have included a few of my replies to his common statements that I used to give back to dad as part of our “conversation”..

1). Don’t wait too long to retire. People think they need to work those extra years, they work that extra one or two years, thinking they need the money, and death takes over, and they never make it to retirement (well, Dad, I retired early, but we will have to wait and see if that has any beneficial effect on my longevity.  Right now, my main goal is to try to outlive you, oh immortal one!).

2). Oh those rich people, all of that money, and they still have to die anyway! (and the rest of us, we have to die too, darn it!)

3). Why do you need to know, are you writing a book? (well, as a matter of fact I am!)

4). I really took the system, didn’t I? (after being retired and on pension for 35 years, contributing $22,742 to your pension, and getting over one million dollars back, I would say that you did!)

5). Come back again when you can’t stay so long (well, I am working on that one!)

6). Don’t you have something better to be doing? (yes, but you are the priority of the moment, so try to enjoy it while I try not to suffer too much)

7). Sure am glad that I am retired, or is it retarded? (um, I won’t touch that one)

8). I might be here, but I am not all here (then where is the rest of you?)

9). You know, having a dog like Rocky adds 7 years to my life (yes, but your dog took 7 years off of mine!)

10). (to any waitress) Say, you sure are looking good this evening. Would you like to come home with me and serve me my favorite meal? (argh! So embarrassing!)

11). I am not trying to be pretty, and I never will win any beauty contests (I can’t argue with you on that one)

12). The doctor needed a urine, stool, and semen sample, so I just left him my underwear (oh, boy, what a bad joke!)

13). You couldn’t hit a beach ball with a banjo! You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn! (comments made to me both as a youth when pitching or batting on little league baseball teams, and while playing golf with him as a child and as an adult)

14). When I get to Heaven, I am going to have a talk with the “Old Man” about my wife dying before me.  Wives are supposed to outlive the husbands.  Either I should have died first or we should have died at the same time (Maybe mom finished her work before you did.  In what form would you have wanted a simultaneous death, like in a murder/suicide, or in a car wreck?)

15). Son will we all meet again in heaven? (are you sure that you really want to hang out with the same crowd for eternity?)

16). Heaven is not ready for me yet, and Hell is afraid that I will take it over, so that is why I am still here (maybe you are still here to provide a few more lessons for the living.  I know that I sure am getting a crash course!).

17).  I am in no hurry to die.  Nobody I know has ever come back from the dead and told me what a great time that they are having after death. (yes, and wayward religions continue to capitalize on that mortal fear, ignore the fact that heaven is here and now, and do not effectively teach us how to die to ourselves and our fears and suffering to experience heaven in advance of bodily death)

18). I provided care for you all of those years when you were young, now its your turn to take care of this old man (I should have read the contract more carefully before my birth!)

19).  You should always be best friends with your sister.  Never let anything get in the way of that friendship, because she will find a way to love you to your death, as you should love her as well (Well, Dad, you sure have shown commitment to both your brother and your sister, especially over the last twenty years.  Somehow you all endeared yourselves to each other.  Thank you for being a success in that aspect of family love, and overcoming the chaos created by your parent’s relationship.  I think that Pam and I are on a good course right now)

And on and on it could go. My dad was a great story teller, and fountainhead of wisdom, one-liners, humor, self and other deprecation, and sarcasm.  My personality was so much less colorful than my father’s, yet, it is easy to see that I truly am my father’s son.  I have many of his same attitudes, and I replicated many of some of the same deficiencies in my own life that my father also experienced.

It was tough watching my father deteriorate, which began in earnest after his radiation treatment for prostate cancer in 2005. After mom died in 2009, Sharon and I had him over for dinner every evening. He was anxious, and suffered horribly from grief, and deteriorating cognitive health. I took him to the doctor’s office for treatment for depression in late 2009, and the doctor ending up prescribing anti-depressants for me instead. He continued to threaten to kill himself, and I had to locate all of his guns, and empty them. In the process of emptying his rifle, I almost shot myself in the foot, sending a bullet through his bedroom floor.

Within three more years, late in 2012, Sharon insisted that Dad have his driving competency evaluated, as he appeared to no longer be capable of driving safely. When the doctor confirmed that Dad should no longer drive, my life as I knew it came to an end. The loss of his independence also became my own loss, as well. I became responsible for 100 percent of Dad’s life, health, nutrition, meals, baths, finances, home and lawn care, and spiritual support. Dad no longer managed his life, other than dressing himself, going to the bathroom (mostly), smoking his cigars, and eating the food placed in front of him

I found a way to love that man on deeper and more profound levels, as I continued to release my own expectations of how he should be, and how he should live. His sole concerns became his love for his dog, Rocky, and maintaining residence in his own home until his own death. He had lost all short term memory, and was basically unteachable the last 5 years of his life, though he maintained his dignity, his sense of self, his recognition of his family, and his love for his children, including my wife Sharon. At the beginning of 2016, I finally hired a support person to help me with Dad’s care, a loving young woman by the name of Madison. She helped for about 15 hours per week, which went a long way to take some of the burden off of Sharon and me.

When Rocky died in June of 2016, ten days after our own dog Ginger’s death, Dad’s final thread of love and companionship with his past was snapped. He asked me over 5000 times where Rocky had disappeared to, after his dog’s death. I watch my father call out 30 times or more, Every Day, to his deceased dog, Rocky. We made up a sign for him, so that he can see, in writing, that his dog is dead, that it died of old age, and that he is ‘in heaven’. But, he never truly got it, because his short term memory was gone. At times, I felt compelled to set him straight, and tell him he is neglecting this moment, where Sharon White and i lived, and instead he was worshiping the dead,, where all of his grief and losses reside, but of course he quickly lost that. My heart broke for him, and for all of us

Our presences were just not quite enough to make all OK with Dad. But, we made him as comfortable as we could until his last days. He never took one medication, nor was I about to force one onto him. Dad’s final four years were a real labor of love for me, forcing me into early retirement from work, and the experience almost tanked me. But I learned how to love another human being unconditionally and completely, though the lesson plan exacted a price from me. I am only just now coming out from under the spells of anxiety and stress around the experience of care giving for my Dad, as well as being fully present for my friend Marty for the several months prior to his own death, which occurred five days prior to Dad’s death.

The last conversation that I had with my father was 6 hours before his death.

This is what we exchanged with each other:

Dad, you are still in bed, and its 2:30 in the afternoon, what’s up, it’s such a beautiful day outside.

You know son, I am always tired now, but I am about to get up.

Well, Dad, this might be the last sunny day in a long time, so why don’t you get up, and go out on the porch and have a cigar? I’ll put a chocolate bar on your table, and a drink for you.

I’ll get right up son. By the way, who is caring for me this evening?

Well, Dad, Madison is caring for you this evening.

Oh, poor Madison!

Dad, Madison benefits by being with you, as you do with her.

I will be with you beginning this Sunday morning, and I will be with you for the next three weeks as usual. You know we are planning one final trip to Hawaii with you, right?

Oh son, I am happy just staying at home. I have everything that I need here.

Well, OK dad. I am going to leave now, as I need to prepare for Marty’s funeral tomorrow.

When will I see you again, son?

Dad, it will be Sunday morning, OK?

OK, son, you know that I am dependent on you. Please take care of yourself.

Oh, dad, you know that I am dependent on you, too. You be careful too!

I love you, son.

I love you too, Dad.

I leave his room, not knowing this is to be our last exchange.

The next day, at 10:58am, as I stand in back of the hearse, as a pall bearer in Marty Crouch’s funeral, I prepare to receive Marty’s body to place into the hearse. I receive a call from Madison, which I cannot take, so I hand the phone to Sharon. Sharon is informed that my father is deceased. Sharon has to leave the service for our friend, and tend to my fathers’ body.

Oh, father, you really knew how to place your unique stamp on my life, didn’t you?

Through my relationship with my parents, I witnessed very early in life how women are oppressed, and how ignorant men try to dominate and control anyone or anything, including those that appear “unlike themselves and their own expectations”. It took many years before my mother was able to stand up to my sometimes loud- mouthed, judgmental, aggressive, harsh, and insensitive father. It took me 61 years to face down completely my own internalized image of what a man is, as well. To finally see how completely that negative ‘male’ internal structure permeates human consciousness in general, and in my own unconscious mind, in all of its diverse, obvious and subtle forms, finally transformed me. My own repressed nature found the ability to communicate its message to me, and rather remarkably it has revealed itself in the form of the “divine feminine” and I refer to that activity as my “second birth” as a human being.

My father died on September 15, 2017. Dad died in his own bedroom on a Friday evening, and had the look of awe and wonder in his eyes and face. He had found his promised land, where loneliness, depression, and dementia disappears, and where ‘bums’ are converted back into the saints and angels that they always were, but were rarely recognized by others as being so. It took nearly my entire life to release my own misunderstanding and judgement towards my father, and allow for him to express himself in the only way that he knew how to, while still providing a loving protection for him in his time of greatest need.

I know all too well the effects of getting the “bum’s rush”, which is the cultural response to my own social insecurities. I now try to celebrate the saint and angel that lives within me, and within all of humanity’s children, which continues to be released from within me as I release my past, looking for its own unique new expression in this strange new world. I thought that my life’s work was over when I became sober and had a series of spiritual healing experiences beginning in 1987, and continuing for six years afterward. Now I know that my real life’s work has only just begun.