The Far Side Wait, Wait, We don’t have to be just sheep
It has been said by friends and family that, at times, I have created quite the unique life experience for myself, though it certainly was not newsworthy or extraordinary in any obvious ways. I would now like to write about this life that I have come to know, the life that I have lived since 1987. I will also do a little back tracking to highlight certain aspects of my pre-1987 life to fill out the picture that I am trying to present. This writing project takes on almost epic proportions for me, and will appear quite fragmented, and somewhat repetitive at times, which is parallel to my real life experience.
I will start by writing a bit about my early years, and also the period of time when I became addicted to drugs and alcohol. I will make a few references to the forces of oppression within our society, and repression of our inner nature (also known as Toxic Masculinity and Toxic Religion). These forces are major spiritually disfiguring forces both within our American culture, and within myself. I will make a commentary on my relationship with American Christianity, and why I am no longer directly associated with it. I will finish this blog with some of the greatest teachings that my life has revealed, up to this point. My writing tends to be a little dry, so please grab a glass of water before beginning to read the rest of this post.
I would like to provide some foundational information about my early childhood. I was an isolated boy prior to 1965, and I never clicked well with people outside of my family. I was small for my age, plus I had advanced placement early in school, which resulting in the insertion of a relatively immature boy into challenging peer situations. I had a limited number of friends, and I seemed to draw the “outcasts”, be they the eggheads, wimps, crazies, or quiet ones, to my circle of friends. One can see the kind of person that I was, by the people who were drawn to me. I would become intensely loyal to whoever would commit to friendship with me, no matter what their limitations or faults were. Usually, it was the girls of my age group that I more readily befriended, until the age of nine years old, when we moved from West Linn to Milwaukie. Boys were in limited supply in our first neighborhood, and many were prone to be antagonistic towards me.
Ever since I could remember I longed for a way “to get off of this rock”. My life prior to drug addiction was quite lonely at times, but, occasionally, it was also happy. Reading fictional books, especially science fiction, enabled me to take vacations from a world that never seemed to quite accept me. One of my favorite SF books was Stranger In A Strange Land, by Robert Heinlein, which I read as a twelve year old boy. In this book, the main character, Michael Valentine Smith, is adopted by Martians after the death of all Earthlings except for baby Michael on a Mars mission. Michael learns from the Martians, who end up raising Michael, that all, ultimately, is God. When Michael proclaimed to Earth’s inhabitants after returning to his parent’s planet that “Thou Art God” I had my first ever feeling of God being present in life, in MY LIFE. I read that book over and over again, as it gave me so much hope, but the hope, with its concurrent “God chills” or horripilations, were ephemeral, and did not last long after each reading of the appropriate passages in the book. It was with this book that the seed was planted for the idea that the search for God may well be my ticket out of my loneliness and misery, and that the search must somehow end within myself..
I never completely accepted the outer world, as it was populated by a lot of indifferent or unkind people, and many bullies of all ages, and I was not equipped to successfully deal with many of those interpersonal challenges. OK, as far as I could tell back then, we were all “Godless people”, including the church goers. . The thought of becoming an astronaut, and traveling through space far away from this planet, motivated me to excel in school, in both mathematics and science. I saw scholastic excellence as my ticket to get free from my “social dis-ease”, and my sense of disengagement from the resident aliens who also shared planet Earth with me. Everything was moving along perfectly towards my goal, even while remaining addicted to drugs and alcohol as a high school student, as I aced my SAT’s, got a full ride scholarship into the Air Force, and enrolled at the University of Portland in 1973, and joined the Air Force ROTC. Alas, I sacrificed my advanced academic standing and scholarship into the Air Force for a relationship with a woman who perfectly reflected my diseased inner state back to me, and as a result of my imprisonment in that relationship I abandoned my career with the Air Force, left the Air Force ROTC, and lost all hope of ever becoming an astronaut in 1974, with its potential for providing me an escape into my outer space fantasy.
In the era of my life from 1971 to 1987, roughly concurrent with the time that I was in relationship with my first wife, I led a highly dysfunctional life, becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs by age 15. I was hopelessly addicted from the start, and I knew that I would either die an alcoholic/addict, or I would kill myself by age 30, if I had not recovered from my affliction. I won’t continue to talk extensively about the times prior to my recovery from drugs and alcohol in this story. In other blogs, I have already written about it, as well as the several major spiritual events/upheavals that blessed me in 1987, and afterwards, after I found connection with “my higher power”.
I was not to find my “higher power” through American Christianity, though I certainly devoted many years of both superficial and in depth research into its philosophy and practice. I attended Sunday school for several years, which set the foundation for my inconsistent and unsatisfying relationship with that body of belief. I stopped going to church by the time I was 11 years old, and I would not return to active interest in that religion until 1980, when I had to take Theology at the University of Portland. I became interested in Christianity once again, as an adult, and as a student, as a result of my college education. But I was also quite interested in other religions, as well. My resurgence of interest was to be quashed, when I met the Deering brothers at the University of Portland. There were three of them, and one was an international drug dealer who just happened to be attending college. When I met Mike, my Christian interest waned, as my renewed interest in high powered drugs re-emerged.
I had two more immersions in Christianity, once in 1984, while attending the Lovejoy Hospital Care Unit, to recover from drug addiction and alcoholism, and once again in 1987, when I was baptized at the Hinson Baptist Church. One of my “friends’ at the Care Unit attended Hinson, and so I bought a new suit, and attended church with him on Sundays for awhile, until alcoholism became more interesting to me than healing my “sins”. When I first became sober in March of 1987, I started going back to church, not knowing that I had better options for spiritual understanding available. When I was introduced to Jack Boland, an internationally known and loved speaker on recovery issues, I found that I no longer needed to follow that awkward path anymore. It was shortly after hearing Jack speak that I had my first real “conversion” experience.
There are many people of a “religious nature” who speak about being “born again” in Christ, whatever that might mean to them, and to the community of people who support such a possibility. I cannot claim to have had that kind of experience, as I am a four-time dropout from the American Christian faith, and I will not be returning to that style of understanding again. I knew from the earliest of ages that there was something quite amiss with Christian theology, though I returned back to it several times over the course of my life. My own cultural conditioning, immature personal insight, plus not being courageous, resourceful or creative enough to look for “truth” with a different set of eyes, kept me going back to the murky spiritual well of American Christianity. Over countless generations many have experienced, and claimed for themselves, enhanced meaning and healing for their lives as a direct result of their Christian faith. Most derive some sort of comfort believing that there is an afterlife, and that they are somehow protected from death because of their belief system However, I was never satisfied with those ideas, so when I drank from Christianity’s well ,my spiritual thirst was never adequately quenched..
Any religion that starts with the premise that man is a sinner, and separated from God does not provide a good philosophical starting point for understanding our basic relationship to our planet Earth, to ourselves and each other, and to all of Creation, and also only provides conditional support for the real dignity and intrinsic value of each life form present upon our beautiful home. God did not ever create only one divinely inspired son, who “died for our sins”, and who requires our lifelong allegiance to him, period, The passage “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, and whosoever believes in him will not perish, but have everlasting life” needs to be spiritually discerned. There is only One creation, of which we are all an intimate part of. Collectively, the world that we live upon is God’s One Creation or “son/daughter”, in which we all share, including all of our animal friends and neighbors. A statement more representing the truth is that because of our misunderstanding about who we are, and what our true relationship is to each other, we kill each other either physically, or spiritually with our ignorance, greed, hatred, and false judgements, and monetize, plunder, and victimize all other life forms upon our entire planet..
The truth is that each one of us has a divine seed planted within ourselves, and our dedication to going beyond our own selfishness and self-deceit will sprout that seed, and eventually unveil the One True God. The only “sacrifice” required of us to reveal God’s presence in our lives is to let go of our own, and our cultures’, ignorance towards spiritual matters, find a way to release ourselves from our suffering, and eliminate fear of all others unlike ourselves, which means, in a nutshell, to let go of our ego controls/control dramas. If we want to just remain sheep looking for a shepherd, then be prepared to live a limited, ignorant, tribal life. No teacher, minister, saint, guru, or Jesus himself will save us, we must each work out our own “salvation”, whatever that might mean to us as individuals. For those who like to move in herds, the Christian religion, and affiliated churches, provides community support, and some context, for those who need institutionalized guidance Because the Church has become so politicized in recent years, and because of the power of the collective unconscious mind, coupled with divisive group energy dynamics, the development and expression of a “mob mind” mentality can result, and turn a potentially spiritually oriented community into the minions of power figures promoting white supremacy, homophobia, xenophobia, religious persecution, and organized hatred and encourage blatant tribalism, all in the guise of promoting supposed “Christian values”.
The search for God (or truth, higher power, change, healing, awe, wonder, beauty, creativity, etc.) through institutionalized religious teachings can be likened to searching for sunbeams with a flashlight. I have placed the dimmed flashlight of American Christianity permanently back into the drawer, as it tends to obscure the light of truth with its arcane philosophical and mythological filters, and present day spiritual malpractice and politically inspired malfeasance. I will not be using “Christian terms” to define or describe my experience, except where unavoidable. Yes, I now follow new paths of consciousness, having tired of reaching the same dead end to the bumpy, rutted road that organized religion kept taking me on.
With all that I have previously written on other blogs about the time beginning with recovery from addiction and alcoholism , it might appear that I was totally conscious about what was going on, and the direction that I was headed during that period of time . Nothing could be further from the truth! All that I knew was that after I made “conscious contact with the God of my (mis)understanding”, my old life just “disappeared”. This just did not appear out of nowhere, however, as the transformation was many, many years in the making. I was no longer tormented by my social insecurities, or my feeling of disconnection from God, my fellow-man, or from the plants and animals that grace this beautiful planet that we share. I had “let go of the controls” of my old ego state of mind, and a new order started revealing itself, from moment to moment. At times I felt like a “guided missile”, never knowing the destination for my life, but trusting whatever it was that had launched my new life into existence would get me to the right place at the right time..
I still had memories of my former life, yet they no longer informed my day-to-day thoughts, my decisions, or my overall outlook on life and love. I did not know who the “new me” was. I had no language to describe it to myself, or to others. I had a series of spiritual upheavals which defied my rational mind, and I did not have the words to describe or contain the experience for many years to follow. It was as if a new person had landed in my consciousness, the “old me” had died, and now I was informed, moment to moment, by a powerful force of peace or silence, or Love itself. Before 1987, there were “many people with their disfiguring concepts” roaming around in my mind, but now the “committee of many” had permanently adjourned, and there was only one peaceful presence, a new ordering principle for my consciousness. A friend from a men’s group who I met in 1992 claimed that I was a “walk-in”, a term used to describe when the old ego departs a body, to be replaced by a new being.
I have read about and heard from a few parents that their young children were so close to God, that when they first learned to talk, they would tell their parents about talking directly with God, or hearing God talk to them (or Jesus, or whatever their cultural background would predispose them to refer to). I did not have that experience as a youth, and, in fact, I was so far from that experience that I could not fathom the possibility of such a “miracle”. I was the boy who had horrible nightmares nightly from the very earliest of ages, and I would be cast out of our home to the garage at night when I was a baby, because I cried almost non-stop, and my crying kept my father from sleeping. Yes, I was wrapped in a warm blanket, and kept in the car in the garage, so there is the beginning of my sad, “Godless” life experience. There was nothing “heavenly” about my birth or early childhood, and, in fact, I was on the opposite end of the peace spectrum from those other lucky, divinely blessed children. Attachment theory advocates would have a field day with this aspect of my story, for sure!
This new being, this upgraded Bruce 2.0, which appeared late in the summer of 1987, was like those miracle babies and children that I had always envied, and doubted. During most of the time after June of 1987, I spent over six hours a day in prayer and meditation, and probably as a result experienced blessed states on an almost continuous basis. I now “heard and felt” God, and I was taught on the inner spiritual plane about aspects of life, and consciousness, that I had no way to learn or know about otherwise. This was not a “Christian” God, or a “Jewish” God, or the Buddha Mind, or “Christ Consciousness”, but those names certainly pointed to the new reality that I had somehow accessed, and been dramatically changed by. As hard as it is for me to write about this now, or, understandably, for the reader to believe this story, I was taught by the “Master Teacher”, whoever, or whatever, that might be. And, I was given a new blank slate to write my new self upon, a new possibility for living, and being, in this world. The world that I once wanted to depart from so badly, was now paradise on Earth, and I knew that Heaven was not a concept for the future, but a living reality only for the present moment. But, I could not carry the “old me” into that world, I had to leave ALL of my verbal and non-verbal memory possessions behind, so to speak, to stay in tune with the new Spiritual music.
I did not have the language to communicate with others what I was experiencing, for many years after 1987. I would refer to my “rebirth”, and talk of the “old me” with those who were interested, especially in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. The people who met me after my rebirth could not believe that I was ever addicted or dysfunctional in self-destructive or other-destructive ways, and I learned to not wave that recovery flag at every new person I met, so that they could have an honest chance of knowing me for who I now was, rather than who I might have been long ago. It was my movement through all of these new relationships which helped to define for me the “new me”, who I was now, how I now related to and appreciated others, and how I now loved unconditionally most everyone that I met. Yes, all of humanity became my brother or sister in this new reality, and my lifelong sense of dreadful separation from others had been lifted. I then set out to find “my people” and find out where I might fit into the new world order that was revealing itself within my mind and heart. In my naiveté, I assumed that most others naturally came by this understanding, and that I was finally catching up, spiritually, with the “normal folks”, the folks that never were so unhappy as to consider alcoholism, drug addiction, and/or suicide for themselves.
Of course, my family still saw me in terms of the past, for the most part, as my history created great scars on the psyche of fellow family members, as well as the friends and acquaintances of my years prior to recovery. But, they could appreciate that the “new me” no longer required their extra concern or care, as I was now an independent, upright, fairly conscious human being. I made healthy choices in my relationships, and I chose a new, fulfilling career to replace all of the career wreckage from my past. I was but a boy again, though, while still learning the ropes, meeting new friends, discovering new possibilities for myself and others, and, occasionally, still sipping from the inner healing springs of the Miracle that can quench the spiritual thirst of all who seek it out.
I had a normal human experience for many years to follow, as I established myself in a new career, and married Sharon White, the best woman I ever could know. I also joined with many communities of like-minded people, such as Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics, the Course In Miracles support groups, the Infinite Way, The Living Enrichment Center (LEC), with a very important men’s group experience that arose through my relationship with LEC, and The Empowerment Community with its many offshoot core groups. Sharon and I became part of a “couple’s group” with two other couples, which became a 20 year affair, lasting all the way until August of 2017 (ending with the death of a dear friend). Finally, I became active in the great outdoors again through hiking and backpacking, I resumed bicycle riding with an association with Cycle Oregon over several years, I learned tennis, and I also ended up excelling in road and trail racing as a runner, albeit an older runner (in the master’s division), competing individually and also appearing on several championship or near-championship level Masters’ teams in both the Hood To Coast and Rainier To Pacific races. I was able have a “redo” of my life, and experience success and failure based on my own decisions, and actually glean wisdom from my interactions with life, rather than hate myself and/or others for its sometimes difficult teachings. And, yes, the new life was quite fertile ground for learning.
This new life also provided me with some of the language that I needed to communicate better with others what I had experienced on the inner plane. I had many teachers on the “outer plane” who continued to point the way to a higher, more spiritually integrated life, while I measured their messages against what was bubbling up within my own mind and heart. Finally, words started forming within my mind that were the verbal bridges from my internal “non-verbal” state of being to attempt to reach the outside world with its matrix of verbal intelligence. Just sitting around smiling at people was not getting the job of connection and communication accomplished, but at that time, I carried a constant smile on my face, because I was always flooded with joy. I was no longer a sheep looking for a shepherd, I became a more conscious wanderer on life’s path, looking for fellow travelers and collaborators to give to and receive companionship from while we collectively reached for our greater good. I had no desire to fly solo, but instead to fly with a new flock, populated by those who were flying the same direction that I was guided to fly.
I was able to maintain over 20 years of sobriety, but as a result of becoming more sensitive to the needs of aging family members, I began to devote less time to established social connections, and I also began losing touch with several important friends due to death or mutual neglect during the period 1997-2017. Gradually, during this same period of time, the actual time that I spent in daily meditation and devotions reduced dramatically. Ultimately, a series of health related events redirected my attention away from total abstinence from drugs and alcohol, towards excessive use of pain killers, and drinking of beer, from 2007-2009.
I had begun to neglect my inner spiritual world for quite some time prior to this, due to the demands of my work, my family, and my training regimen for competitive athletics. As an interesting aside I noted at the time that the more competitive that I became as a runner, and the more races that I excelled in, the less that other male runners were interested in maintaining friendships, including my fellow running team members. It made me long for the early days of my running career, from 1993-1996, when I ran on friendly Hood To Coast teams with our friends from LEC. Competitive ability did not matter to any of us. What mattered most was that we loved and appreciated each other, and we maintained social connections throughout the year. On the competitive male running teams that I participated on from 1997-2002, no such mutual love or appreciation existed, beyond the commitment required so that team members could experience the fruits of the excellence of each other’s running capacities in any particular race. After the race, there was not much mutual friendship interest for the top male runners, even though I asked for it. Thus, my running ability became an impediment to my desire for social connection later in my running career. And I continued to pursue this self-destructive running excellence, even while my body complained, and revolted, through a series of painful, and, at times, disabling injuries. Yet, my race times continued to improve, even as I aged, until I relapsed into pain-killer abuse in early 2007.
It was quite the profound relapse, and it totally caught my wife, family, friends, and myself by surprise. My “relapse thinking” began when I experienced malignant melanoma in 2006, and culminated when I broke my leg later that same year, yet again, while training hard for another road race at the age of 51 years. Two different attending physicians/surgeons refused to operate on the slow healing fracture, and also refused to prescribe pain killers for that incredibly painful injury. I needed the relief to keep me upright and walking, which would keep me from getting fired during a six month probationary period for a new job with the City of Portland. My now deceased brother-in-law had mentioned in 2006 about getting Oxycontin off of the internet, so I utilized that knowledge, and in 2007 I secured the pain killers from online pharmacies. I was able to maintain my ability to go to work, and, thus, kept my job. But, I lost 20 years of sobriety, as well as a huge measure of self-respect.
It is said that relapse is part of recovery. My opinion aligns with that, but this is the most painful part of recovery, for it means the loss of personal pride as well as the respect and stature in the recovery community that goes with living the life of a successfully recovering individual. For over one month I lost the respect of my wife, which was devastating. It took far too long to get her trust back, and I was so disappointed in myself for letting both her, and myself, down. My self-image was once again in transition. Add to my pain-killer addiction woes the fact that I had to retire from road running and racing because of my brittle tibia bones, with racing having been one of the major parts of my self’s definition for many years, and I, once again, became a person searching for a new way of being, and seeing myself. I certainly could not find any lasting relief in my ego association with a career as an electrician, as I had long since started the process of psychologically separating myself from it. The period that I worked for the City Of Portland in the Water Bureau corresponded to the period when I became 100 percent responsible for caring for my father, and the duel burden of employment and care-giving was just too much for me, forcing me into early retirement from work. I was not to finish my work career strong and proudly, but instead, with a prolonged dying gasp.
Yes, the relapse meant redefining myself YET AGAIN, and, I have since learned, I am one of a fairly small percentage of people who actually have made it back from relapse after decades of sobriety, as well as from the opiate addiction. I am not proud of that fact, and, I no longer feel 100 percent secure in the knowledge that I am protected from my own worst intentions by my “higher power”. For many, many years, I was never tempted to drink or use, as the urge was lifted from me by Grace itself, and was never an issue up to the point of relapse. It was disheartening to have to start over, yet start over again I did. But this time, my experience was not to be accompanied by Conscious Grace, like I experienced during the period of time from 1987-1992, and I felt like I was living through the “dark night of the soul” several times, interspersed with moments, days, or sometimes weeks of “transcendent energy” sprinkled in, all the way through the year 2017. Yes, the ever-present smile and experience of continuous joy of living that characterized my life from 1987-1993 just did not reappear.
I have several years of sobriety accrued yet again. The years 2009 to the present have, at times, rivaled the most troubling of periods in my life, yet I have developed and utilized many effective tools to deal with these vicissitudes. I am at the age in life where many family members and long-term friends have already passed away, and I have not drawn many new people into my sphere of influence, at least partly due to my commitment to Dad’s care the last seven years, and partly because I did not have children, and I did not create the friendships within the greater community that naturally arise through raising children, and then grandchildren. Also, the last 10 years of my work career, ending in 2016, were characterized by high stress positions with low co-worker support, and I was not successful in creating friendships with those fellow travelers in the electrical industry for various reasons, including the main relationship toxicity factor, which is intense competition (if I was a drinker, I certainly would have had many more acquaintances). The electrical industry is populated by more than its share of men who celebrate their own versions of Toxic Masculinity, and finding friendship in that desert of spirituality was quite hard for me at this stage of my life. I have never felt comfortable around white supremacy and racism, misogyny, homophobia, or exchanges of mutual disrespect parading as workplace repartee. I have even been on jobs where co-workers were threatening to throw “blanket parties” where there is a group beating of a boss, to drive home their twisted point of view. Some people who I worked with, and for, actually are now in jail for murder, rape, torture, spousal abuse, and child molestation, so I have much more than an intellectual relationship with Toxic Masculinity, especially in the workplace.
All of this points to a possibility that I may have developed undesirable qualities when it comes to male friendship, or there may be an inadequately examined part of myself that prevents the radiation of the energy of attraction for new friendships. This may be just characteristic of the age of the people I now tend to or attempt to associate with, too. If a person does not play golf, hike, like to go out to dinner, play games, or like to take spontaneous trips, they won’t resonate too well with me. I don’t intend to me a kill joy around drinkers, but if there is drunkenness around me, I stick out like a sore thumb. It goes without too much further elucidation that males are typically poor social organizers or initiators, and often make themselves dependent on the female partner when in a committed relationship. Often, I depend on Sharon to organize outings with friends.
I do visit Robert Beatty’s Buddhist meditation center, and The Center For Spiritual Living in Lake Oswego, from time to time, but I have not made a commitment to either community at this point. I have found that my continuing involvement with a book club has kept my spirits up, though. I remain open to new possibilities for engagement with my world, either through service work or social engagement, or through involvement with spiritual healing communities. I may even pursue new knowledge and a way to express it through shamanism and energy work, specifically through Dr. Alberto Villoldo’s approach, but we shall see what the future brings.
I do feel the inner nudges from my Spirit, and, from time to time, I get to re-experience the “presence of the Transcendence”. These times are much fewer and farther between in recent years, though I am hopeful that I will once again experience a greater measure of Spirit, and it’s almost intoxicating influence, once again, as I tune up my “vehicle of consciousness” or body for its final drive down the roadway of life for the inevitable end to this oft-times, miraculous “road trip”. I do find that times spent hiking in the wilderness, with Mother Nature and Her Creations, and listening to live music with communities of like-minded people, still tend to really bring out my Spirit. My group meditations can still be quite powerful, yet private, individual meditations do not carry the same connective power now as they did 20-30 years ago, and this continues to remain an area of focus for improvement. Perhaps I will find the way back to six hours of prayer and meditation a day, but I do not know which direction my Spirit will redirect me at this point of my life.
I now work on the recovery from sugar addiction, and a lifetime of questionable dietary choices. I understand that the fundamental addiction that I have carried for most of my life may be to sugar itself, and the damage that it is reported to cause over the years may have finally caught up with me. I recently attended a workshop with Dr. Alberto Villoldo, the famous cultural anthropologist, and, now, shaman, where he redirected my spiritual intentions towards cleansing my body, including my liver and brain, of all toxins. He helped bring to my attention that poor dietary choices predisposed me to making poor choices in other aspects of my life, and can negate the greatest of desires for continued spiritual growth and prosperity. As of April 1 of this year, I have followed his dietary regimen to the tee, and I note the change in my energy, and I am beginning to really have hope that I will again freely access the inner well of infinite meaning, love, healing, and prosperity that came so easily and naturally to me in the past. It probably does not hurt my cause that I have also lost ten pounds in the five weeks that I have been involved with these dietary lifestyle changes.
I characterize the present phase of my life, the life that I am now leading as a retired person and no longer care-giving to dying friends and family members, as the “purification before ordination” stage of life. That terminology I am borrowing from Joel Goldsmith, and his Infinite Way teachings. The new self that I developed over the years from 1987-2017 will also have to die, of course, to make way for the final upgrade to Bruce 3.0. The “fires of the Spirit” as yet have not burned all that is unlike Spirit away from my field of consciousness, so until that happens, the purification process that is dependent on the letting go of my “ego” and its dependence on suffering and attachment to illusions will continue in earnest. I will be heading into the phase of my life called “spiritual manhood in Christ Consciousness”, or in secular terms, self-actualization, should I live long enough, and remain dedicated to the cause of bringing forth the best of myself that my Spirit can support.
I can think of no greater intention to have for my life, for the time that I have left to spend here on planet Earth’s plane of existence. Everybody, if you have not already, please find your wings soon, for I am not flying Home alone on this one! I do understand that Enlightenment, as it is now understood within my own being, requires full integration into the field of human energy and its infinite possibilities. Nobody who wants to remain spiritually healthy stays isolated in a monastery, practices a form of religious fundamentalism, or remains secluded from the rest of humanity, for the entirety of their lives. It is healthy to admit, and acknowledge, that there is no walk into the “promised land” without companionship with ALL of life, and not just a few select special relationships. My life has become a dance of sorts between two internal poles, the one representing isolation and solitude, and the other being full immersion into and unification with the All of life, including our sacred Mother nature.
I just want to note some very important lessons that I have gleaned from my travel down my dotted lined path of life.
If I want to make dramatic changes in my life, the desire has to come from a place deep within myself. I will not change because my wife and family, my friends, my minister at church, my employer, my political leaders, or my “people pleasing” attitudes cajole or advise me to change. If I become conscious that my behavior is causing irreparable harm to myself, to other human beings, to our animal brothers and sisters, and/or to the sustainability for life on this planet, then I must understand that my behavior is insane, and unless I have a death wish for myself, or against others, I will seek for a higher power or energy to overcome my present insanity. Insanity can be healed, if it is recognized that its source is habituated thoughts and feelings Insight changes attitudes, insight changes behaviors, and insight changes lives. To change my world, I first change myself, through insight, meditation, making amends to all people that I may have harmed through my insanity, and through carrying the message of recovery and healing to all who are interested in not only hearing my story, but bringing healing to their own lives, as well.
Always question prevailing attitudes and philosophies of the people in power, be they politicians, employers, or religious figures. Healthy skepticism is warranted whenever a person or organization tries to exert pressure on individuals to conform to certain beliefs or traditions. Never sit idly by while witnessing injustice or unfair and hurtful judgement meted out by the people in power against innocent people. By your silence, you are supporting the ignorant and the evil doers. They will use your silence to claim that you were in full support of their abhorrent behavior.
Never let someone speak for us, we are responsible for bringing our voice into the world, and having it heard. Never take for granted our right to freedom of speech and its expression, both at home and in the marketplace. Find the way to express yourself without sacrificing your integrity, and stand up tall and strong in the face of any ignorant, unfair or unwarranted criticism. You will “cast your pearls before swine”. Our hard-earned deepest truths have little value to those who are considered hypnotized, which are many of the “civilized” and “normalized” citizens within this diseased culture of ours. If they cannot see how your wisdom will increase the size of their bank accounts, increase their prestige and popularity, get them more or better sex, or just generally appeal to their ego, it will have little value, except “laughing value”. “A prophet is never respected in their own hometown”.
Healthy anger at people, situations, politicians, religious figures, and abusive family members is not only acceptable behavior, it is required for honoring the truth of the moment, and to retain spiritual integrity. Do not follow those well-meaning souls who claim that all anger is hatred, for that is simply not true. Anger becomes dangerous when it does not naturally arise from the moment, but instead from animal/tribal instinct, memory and religious and cultural conditioning. Oppression and repression are birthed through incomplete and prematurely aborted responses to environmental threats. Institutionalized anger, or hatred, arises from memory, inadequate education, and emotional immaturity, and can be stoked by politicians and religious leaders with ignorant and evil agendas, and it is dangerous, being the source or racism, war, hatred, alienation, and cultural insanity.
It is revealing to note how the experience of “enlightenment” allows for the love for all people, and respect for all philosophies, yet promotes no religion or philosophy, as such, for its own support. The prerequisites are a desire for change, self-honesty, insight, mindfulness, meditation, and the developed ability to see beyond the controlling mirages of cultural and religious conditioning. Yet, religions, and their followers, tend to strongly move in tight circles around their own adherents and practices, and often exclude others from their spiritual “inner circles”. And those who point to the benefits of non-religious, spiritual enlightenment are regarded suspiciously, and, in some cases, as manifestations of Satan, or Infidels, by those who claim to be “religious”.
It is healthy to acknowledge that we all need each other. I can’t do this life alone, nor would I ever want that for myself. We are here to help each other, and to love each other. Each moment can either be a new beginning, or just the continuation of a painful past where all of human suffering arises from. It is our choice as to how we will experience this moment. I must be willing to travel new paths of consciousness, and never to become too attached to any particular memory, or teacher and their teachings, as it is up to me to work out my own “salvation”. When I let go of the controls, including my own internalized forms of institutionalized thoughts, when I let go of time based thoughts and expectations, when I respect the truth that many times the presence and wisdom of the Great Unknown, rather than just more information and knowledge, is what I am best fed with, that is when I am truly trusting the life force which has always supported me, whether I have recognized its presence or not.
While incarnated into human form, with our poorly illuminated human minds, we can only witness the projections of our minds. All that we will ever see, unto whatever eternity that we can possibly conceive of, is our self, so the most important question for each day is “how will I see myself today?” The answer to that question determines whether I can see through the eyes of the truth of this moment, or just the limited eyes of the past. Each person that I meet either is one of the infinite manifestations of God, deserving ultimate respect and love, or they become just another dead illusion of my aging, conditioned mind. The insight gained through mindful self-examination can erase the blocks to Love’s awareness, and imbue life with a new meaning.
The ultimate truth is that “you can’t be real”. For in God’s eyes, there is only one self, one love, one existence, with an infinitude of manifestations. There is no room for “you and me” in ultimate truth, though we must continue to make room for that “illusion” in the relative truth of this world, through practicing forgiveness and letting go, until the final ascension into “enlightenment” or complete spiritual understanding. Finding the true connecting link is the journey into wholeness that our human race must undertake, if it is to survive. When we see our brother and sister as our own self, then we are home. This connecting link is not to be found through our digital devices, or through our “best thinking” or philosophies. It will unfold when we learn how to no longer think time based thoughts, but, instead, eternity based thoughts. That is the only place where Unity will ever be experienced.
To be in realization of Truth, is to find that God’s High Mount is just an illusion to climb
Created as a virus to infect and control the innocent, and all fearful, desirous minds.
The non-illuminated, restless mind remains forever devoid of Love’s Rhyme and Truth’s Reason
And it only chases after mirages, until it looks within, and sees the movements that are guilty of treason.
Finally, mysticism is at the core of all religions. Each of us is a mystic, should we shed the oppressive and repressive energies of familial, cultural and religious conditioning. Each one of us should become the leader of our own internal movement towards truth, beauty, love, intelligence, awe, wonder, grace, and miracles. What is the difference between the “mind of God” and the “mind of man”? Ah, the answer is there, for you to discover for yourself. You should never just accept my answers, without your own deepest inquiries into your own personal truth.
Never stop seeking that which seems unattainable.
To see eternity, is to first witness the self without fear and judgement, and then see through the illusions to the truth.
If we seek truth, beauty, and wonder with all of our heart, we will find what we are looking for.
Then, all that we will ever see, unto eternity, is our Self.
These are the greatest lessons that my life has offered to me.
Choose wisely, oh mankind, the secrets that we keep,
for by our choices, we all may awaken, or just stay asleep.
