July 24, 2017

 

I am feeling a little challenged this morning. The challenge comes from being fully present for a married couple we have known and loved for a generation. A “two months to live” diagnosis for the husband, coupled with the wife’s obsessive compulsive nature to prove her own worth, and to also protect and honor her partner, in the face of their collapsing lives, keeps me “engaged with the unknown”.

 

How can I help?

 

Being “fully present” as a life witness, while being a loving friend, in the face of his deterioration and potential death, and with his partner’s fear, anxiety, neurosis, and potentially, own emotionally self-destructive attitudes and behaviors, has placed me in a position for “accelerated understanding and spiritual growth”.

 

I used to say “growth is highly overrated” in a humorous manner when I feigned aversion to situations known to create opportunities for personal evolution. Now I am looking for real humor in the face of adversity, and this morning finds me coming up short.

 

I miss the healthy version of my friend, while I learn to embrace today’s version. I have experienced some shock in the face of his accelerated change and his wife’s emotional near collapse.

 

We were preparing to hike parts of the Pacific Crest Trail later this summer, and we did a 6 mile wilderness hike just 6 weeks ago to test equipment, and prove fitness. We all passed, with flying colors.

Two days later, he began losing all use of his left leg and arm, and he is now wheelchair bound. The mets to his brain are impinging on his sense of self, and his competent, highly intelligent, insightful, loving mind.

 

Now, I help with small tasks around their home, once or twice a week. I attend, and participate with him in, a men’s cancer survivor writing group at OHSU, as of last week (my survival from melanoma is going much better than his, as mine has not yet metastasized, and hopefully will not in the future).

 

I miss the only man who responded to my philosophically challenging Facebook posts, now knowing that he no longer has the energy to sort through all of the Facebook chaos, of which I inexplicably remain a small part of. Why I continue to post has to do with my own need to heal, and to express myself, even if there are no positive returns to be gained from the endeavor.

 

My heart aches for the married couple Sharon White and I have shared so many outdoor adventures and community memories with over the last 25 years.

Love goes before all of us “to make the crooked places straight”, but while chaos’ clouds obscure the view, it is hard to see the path. Being open to each moment as it unfolds in its own unique way, and being present with self through insight clears the fog, and keeps the door open to love’s unfolding mystery.

 

But, It remains a mystery to me, how to plan for and successfully navigate the rivers of life that carry us into death. Reading more books, and gathering more information, is not going to get the job done for me. I try to remain open to the mystery, though it still troubles my heart. I may never heal of that, but miracles are still possible.

 

Death really sucks for those with much life left to live, period. I am not fooled by the promises of a “reward in the afterlife” offered by some. That reward is only a painkiller to be ingested by the magical thinkers who struggle mightily with the concept of death itself. The thought of an after-life vacation in “heaven” is more addictive than opiates, and drives national and international irrationality and insanity.

 

It is our eternal struggle.

 

“And, in the end, even death shall be conquered”.

 

I am not “in the end”, obviously. “Fear of death” can be conquered without it being masked by even more illusions of thought. That is the path of today’s spiritual warrior. I guess that I somehow signed up for the course. The only study materials are supplied through a committed involvement with life, on Life’s terms, and not on my ego’s terms.

 

I am no longer allowed to just audit the course, now that I am in the final stretches of my own life. I just hope that my “final stretch” is an engaged, joy dominated experience. I do have some control over that!

 

I love you both, Mr. and Mrs. C.

 

“I will be with you always, even unto the end of the world”

 

Please, save yourself


Bruce

Presently, I am 67 years old, and I am learning how to live the life of a retired person. I am married to Sharon White, a retired hospice nurse, and writer. Whose Death Is It Anyway-A Hospice Nurse Remembers Sharon is a wonderful friend and life partner of nearly 30 years. We have three grandsons through two of Sharon's children. I am not a published writer or poet. My writings are part of my new life in retirement. I have recently created a blog, and I began filling it up with my writings on matters of recovery and spirituality. I saw that my blog contained enough material for a book, so that is now my new intention, to publish a book, if only so that my grandsons can get to know who their grandfather really was, once I am gone. The title for my first book will be: Penetrating The Conspiracy Of Silence, or, How I Lived Beyond My Expiration Date I have since written 7 more books, all of which are now posted on this site. I have no plans to publish any of them, as their material is not of general interest, and would not generate enough income to justify costs. I have taken a deep look at life, and written extensively about it from a unique and rarely communicated perspective. Some of my writing is from 2016 on to the present moment. Other writing covers the time prior to 1987 when I was a boy, then an addict and alcoholic, with my subsequent recovery experience, and search for "Truth". Others are about my more recent experiences around the subjects of death, dying, and transformation, and friends and family having the most challenging of life's experiences. There are also writings derived from my personal involvement with and insight into toxic masculinity, toxic religion, toxic capitalism, and all of their intersections with our leadere. These topics will not be a draw for all people, as such personal and/or cultural toxicities tends to get ignored, overlooked, or "normalized" by those with little time for insight, introspection, or interest in other people's points of view on these troubling issues. There also will be a couple of writings/musings about "GOD", but I try to limit that kind of verbal gymnastics, because it is like chasing a sunbeam with a flashlight. Yes, my books are non-fiction, and are not good reading for anybody seeking to escape and be entertained. Some of the writings are spiritual, philosophical and intellectual in nature, and some descend the depths into the darkest recesses of the human mind. I have included a full cross section of all of my thoughts and feelings. It is a classic "over-share", and I have no shame in doing so. A Master Teacher once spoke to me, and said "no teacher shall effect your salvation, you must work it out for yourself". "Follow new paths of consciousness by letting go of all of the mental concepts and controls of your past". This writing represents my personal work towards that ultimate end.