Anxiety, Marijuana, and the Path Towards Healing
This chapter is directed towards the developing minds, and hearts, of all ages, who as yet have not achieved the fulfillment of their physical and emotional growth processes. It has been established that the use of marijuana by human beings under the age of twenty-five stunts their emotional growth and development, as well as impacting the physical development of the brain and neural pathways. There can be a positive side to this, but there is also a downside, as well. It has also been shown that discontinuing use does enable the repressed nervous/emotional systems to unfold in more natural ways that promote continued growth, into a delayed maturation, but it is a maturation nonetheless.
I have hit a part of the story where I get to indulge in a little bit of editorializing. It is not my intention to offend or judge anyone who presently uses marijuana. One of my perceptions around marijuana use is that using pot to avoid feelings of anger, distress, anxiety, or as an intoxicant is one of our society’s newest ways to normalize oppression, limit our spiritual unfoldment, and support the repression of our emotional natures. Adult family and friends have the maturity to make their own decisions on how to best spend their time and spiritual resources, however, though the decision to use marijuana should be an informed one.
I arrived at 15 years of age with social anxiety and awkwardness, low self-esteem, and a physical immaturity for my year in high school. I had no idea who “my people” were, though I had still had 3 or 4 quite socially compromised fellow travelers who had been my friends since 5th grade. I was truly a “stranger in a strange land” at high school, and the anxiety around this social adjustment was uncomfortably high. Looking back, it is easy to see that I was in a vulnerable state of mind.
I began my sophomore year at Rex Putnam High School, still not fitting in too well with the whole process of being educated in a high school setting. I remember a high school science class where the teacher was so disturbed by my “aloof and judgmental” behavior that he called me out in class, and called me a “pseudo-intellectual”, and then laughed when he then announced that I would not know what that means. Well, I recited the definition from my memory of what that offensive word meant, smirked at him, and then sat down and became quiet. Yes, not only did I not fit in, but others perceived that I did not fit in, as well.
I had no desire to use drugs at the time, as I still was repulsed by the behavior of my sister, who, through her own drug use had become an outsider within our own home family structure. She still hung around, when she was not running with her other friends, or hanging onto her latest boyfriend. But her resistance to and fighting with my parents disrupted my own distorted sense of what a healthy family setting should look, and feel, like.
One late fall Friday night in 1970, my friends Tony M and Randy O found me at a football game, and said that I needed to try something with them. I went with them, and when we drove off of the campus, Randy brought out a couple of “joints” and told me what they were. Well, I wanted nothing to do with it at the time, but the peer pressure was high, so I went along with it. I did not get “high”, though they did, and they seemed to be enjoying themselves, though I could not understand how.
I tried the stuff three more times, because I became curious how a substance could change somebody so profoundly that they appeared to be uninhibited and enjoying themselves in public, which was an unknown concept to me. Then, the damage began. I actually became “high”, and nothing was ever to be the same again. For the first time in my life, it did not matter that I did not “fit in”, and my sense of social dis-ease left, and my own poor sense of self-esteem evaporated in a cloud of intoxicating smoke. I began to gather a support group of fellow users around me, and thus established myself in a new community where I belonged, and finally “fit in”. Thus, the oppression of my human heart and soul became normalized in my own life, through the continued usage of the drug and association with others who also used drugs..
One profound experience around group energy temporarily “enlightened me” in 1972, when I attended my first rock concert. There were three groups, The Grease Band, Rod Steward and the Faces, and Savoy Brown. A group of us smoked some weed, and we all attended the $3.00 event. It was Tony Mecklem, Sonny Graham, and myself, with Sonny supplying the Panama Red pot. I did not know what to expect, but I knew that I liked the artists, so I was pretty excited about attending. But, when we got to the Memorial Coliseum, I was amazed at the number of people who were there. This was by far and away the biggest event that I had ever attended in my life. We walked through the ticket line, and proceeded to try to find our seats. But when I opened the door into the arena, it was like an explosion went off in my mind. I went from carrying just my normal sense of self, with a marijuana “high” component attached to it, to a Cosmic/Group mind experience. I Was The Crowd, and it was like I was spread all over the Coliseum, and I was carried by the music, and I was the music. A form of Cosmic Consciousness had hit me for the first time in my life, and I Was Blown Away.
Looking at my history, I have rocked with the Mystery
The drug continuously brought to me a temporary sense of peace of mind, and kept me from being so hyperactive mentally (I was quite the precocious person, with an almost photographic memory). However, over the course of the many years of use, I lost many of my basic abilities to feel my emotional heritage, and to draw from my internal intellectual resources. Through the process of normalizing the oppressive qualities of this drug, I became almost immune to the distress going on around me, and I was not as consciously aware of the distress building up within my mind, and body.
I started smoking pot before attending mathematics classes, and before doing my most difficult homework. I was in the most advanced science and math classes already, and Rex Putnam High had even introduced a college level calculus class for our senior year because there were several people who had the same advanced capabilities as with me. Even calculus was too easy for me, so pot made boring homework more of a challenge to finish. I enjoyed creating the extra level of difficulty for my work, and for my life, apparently.
Of course, the fun of using pot while trying to succeed in school ultimately backfired, when I hit college. It was disheartening to lose my nearly photographic memory to the damaging effects of pot, a memory capacity which had enabled me to slide through most of school without doing much homework. By the time I hit my junior year at the University Of Portland, I can remember many, many hours of just staring at my homework, unable to comprehend what I was looking at, near the end of my academic road in 1976.
Marijuana and I had a fairly steady, though uneasy, relationship until 1986, when I decided that it no longer met my needs. But during that period of time from 1971-1986, when I did use marijuana liberally, it served an important function. Without it, I could not have been able to maintain my self-oppression, avoid my anger and learning how to express it in healthier ways, and continue the repression of my Spirit and wisdom. Without the marijuana addiction, I would have grown up into a different adult, and I would have had a different experience of the interior dimensions of my own being.
It took until I wandered alone in the dark underbelly of Portland’s criminal drug subculture in the year 1986, to finally realize that pot was not for me. Even in my most desperate time, I came to realize that the use of pot was preventing me from accessing resources necessary for my survival in among the other “dark warriors” of our local criminal underground. Engaging with undercover federal agents and hit men from biker gangs made me quite aware of the limitations imposed upon my nervous system and mind by the use of pot. I had to have a much more sensitive awareness to remain nimble, in the face of the threats faced there. I had to develop enhanced, nuanced social interactive skills, lest the dullness of response that pot induced within me would create indefensible vulnerabilities. Yes, light comes to those who have lived in life’s darkest recesses, and sometimes the light burns the brightest there, as well.
In my “older age”, I have considered the use of marijuana for the treatment of anxiety, which has become a fairly frequent companion to me since the election of Donald Trump as president, and the deaths of both my father, and my friend Marty Crouch in September of 2017. I have some symptoms of PTSD, which I have been treating with meditation and prayer, exercise, immersion in nature, medication such as Ativan when I am overwhelmed, herbal supplements, and open, honest, enhanced communication with loved ones and friends. My doctor casually recommended the use of marijuana, in addition to suggesting utilizing a therapist to facilitate healing. I have occasionally used the CBD oil from hemp plants to treat anxiety, in addition to ashwagandha tincture, which I now use regularly I do not treat myself with marijuana, feeling that dealing with these difficult emotions and feelings without hiding from them is the surest and the fastest way to recovery.
Once again, this message is not for adult family members and friends, who are mature enough to make intelligent decisions for their own lives. Marijuana offers a form of community connection, emotional release, and enhanced sensory connections and pleasures, but it can also serve `as another form of oppression for the susceptible soul: Oppression comes in many forms, my fellow travelers. Some of these forces we do have control over. My message to my grandchildren, and to all young people, is to be aware of ALL FORCES THAT ATTEMPT TO REPRESS OUR BEAUTIFUL SPIRITS, EVEN IF WE DO NOT PRESENTLY RECOGNIZE THEIR INNATE VALUE.
Marijuana is now legalized, and normalized, within our West Coast culture. It is being taxed by the government, and private citizens are profiting greatly from its production and distribution. What kind of world are we creating, where oppression of the human spirit is being celebrated, and profited from? Yes, this is the American Way, which is presently not the healing way of my Spirit
I have intimate knowledge of addiction, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, and I now consider myself a personal expert in these matters, albeit a reluctant one. It is inappropriate and unhealthy for me to keep these issues “secret”, as I tend to be as sick as the secrets that I attempt to keep. Remaining unconscious and victimized by these conditions is not a helpful option for me now, or anytime.
The following have been found to be helpful for me, when any of the previously stated conditions threaten to hit too close to home:
1). Seeking “professional help” from therapists or physicians/surgeons as required,
2). exercise (such as yoga, Pilates, and cardio work, with emphasis on proper breathing techniques),
3). immersion in Nature (walks through forests, deserts, or local parks),
4). meditation (listening to relaxing music is useful, if the mind is overly restless),
5). getting plenty of rest/sleep (not automatic or easy when in anxious states. Use of melatonin, ashwagandha tincture, CBD oil and non-caffeinated relaxation tea prior to bed is helpful),
6). honest and open communication with friends and family (hanging around people with positive, loving attitudes and behaviors is important),
7). insight (and taking my inventory, to use the parlance of 12 step groups) and prayer (focused intention/thought energy for personal and collective change, for those so inclined),
8). service to others who are less fortunate, and
9). medication (if necessary) can be helpful.
10). avoiding obvious anxiety producing behaviors, like excess coffee consumption, eating sugar or processed foods, or overbooking my day to day life,
11). continue to allow feelings to naturally arise, with no judgement.
12). continue without shame and guilt any unfinished emotional business, such as grieving for the loss of loved ones.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a name given to one powerful variation of related symptoms, and therapy and techniques developed for its healing may be appropriate, as well (a form of acupressure called the “tapping” technique is quite helpful).
Writing into a personal journal or blog can be helpful. Posting to Facebook, with the hope or expectation that somebody who cares might read a posting and give meaningful feedback, is unrealistic, and can potentially be dangerous, depending on the state of mind of the writer at the time of posting. It is best to have friends and connections who respond directly, preferably in person, where our humanity shines the brightest and has the most healing potential. Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, or whatever other media vehicle that one may employ for communication in isolation just cannot get the job done, PERIOD. Just passing time without helping myself would never have allowed for sufficient healing either.
As I move toward healing, compassion towards myself and others is one of the intended outcomes. The absence of this only perpetuates the anxiety cycle.
And, to those whose hearts are hurt by the Trump phenomenon, crucifixion feels almost real, even today. Toxic Masculinity, Religion, and Capitalism, as epitomized by Donald Trump and Paul Ryan, white supremacy and the evil attached to it, and now its linkage back to American Christianity through its illusory link with Trump, has sown the seeds of its own destruction. But I am afraid that it may take a generation or more for that to happen.
Writing is an interesting proposition. I usually feel like a lone voice in the wilderness calling out to the people who are not even in my life to listen to me in the first place.. The point is for me to keep speaking out against the oppressive forces of the day. The chances of changing anybody’s mind on the Trump’s American Alternative Reality team is almost zero, so it is about reigning them in, publicly repudiating them, and making sure that the rest of humanity understands the dark, ignorant, greedy, evil intentions of this mindset, and of this administration.
In the words of the Course In Miracles, my writing, or all of our writing for that matter, may be just another “call for Love”. Writing is a perfect mirror for me to see myself, and, in the seeing, I am changed. We have only words and thoughts to share here, I can’t give you a wink, smile or a hug through this medium.. You will never feel the warmth of my heart, or the peace of my soul, by reading my words. But, that won’t stop me from trying!
Real live people experienced directly with all of my senses, and my open heart and balanced mind, are the only requirements for more successful human connections, NOT TECHNOLOGY. Five years of care-giving and support for my handicapped father has contributed to my sense of isolation, and now I am moving away from that posture, now that more support has been coming available to help. I have begun to be reintroduced to the real world, of which i have missed greatly (my time-based mind tells me that I was not missed, but I am going to ignore those “dead” aspects of myself, and reinterpret myself in terms of the present moment of experience, where all real value is created and apperceived)..
I do visit Robert Beatty’s Buddhist meditation center, and The Center For Spiritual Living in Lake Oswego, from time to time, but I have not made a commitment to either community at this point. I have found that my continuing involvement with a book club has kept my spirits up, though. I remain open to new possibilities for engagement with my world, either through service work or social engagement, or through involvement with spiritual healing communities. I may even pursue new knowledge and a way to express it through shamanism and energy work, specifically through Dr. Alberto Villoldo’s approach, but we shall see what the future brings.
I do feel the inner nudges from my Spirit, and, from time to time, I get to re-experience the “presence of the Transcendence”. These times are much fewer and farther between in recent years, though I am hopeful that I will once again experience a greater measure of Spirit, and it’s almost intoxicating influence, once again, as I tune up my “vehicle of consciousness” or body for its final drive down the roadway of life for the inevitable end to this oft-times, miraculous “road trip”. I do find that times spent hiking in the wilderness, with Mother Nature and Her Creations, and listening to live music with communities of like-minded people, still tend to really bring out my Spirit. My group meditations can still be quite powerful, yet private, individual meditations do not carry the same connective power now as they did 20-30 years ago, and this continues to remain an area of focus for improvement. Perhaps I will find the way back to six hours of prayer and meditation a day, but I do not know which direction my Spirit will redirect me at this point of my life.
I now work on the recovery from sugar addiction, and a lifetime of questionable dietary choices. I understand that the fundamental addiction that I have carried for most of my life may be to sugar itself, and the damage that it is reported to cause over the years may have finally caught up with me. I recently attended a workshop with Dr. Alberto Villoldo over the April 4th weekend of 2018. He is the famous cultural anthropologist, author, and, now, shaman, where he redirected my spiritual intentions towards cleansing my body, including my liver and brain, of all toxins. He helped bring to my attention that poor dietary choices predispose me to making poor choices in other aspects of my life, and can negate the greatest of desires for continued spiritual growth and prosperity.
On Friday night of the workshop, Alberto asked for us to ask for a dream. Well, I had a dream, and its essence was relevant. In it, Alberto was a non-vocal observer, watching groups of people assembling a large foundation for some sort of huge, new building. Sharon and I struggled a bit with our contribution, but it all was coming together at the end of the dream, and I could see that we were about to get our part assembled successfully. We then came together as a full assembly of participants, where a male voice gave an extended monologue about the nature of the “magnetic self”. In the dream, I countered his monologue with an extended message of my own, articulately and with precision. But then, I looked to Sharon in the dream, and asked her “Sharon, do I sound like an idiot?” I then woke up.Yes, there I go again. Even in the dream, I doubt myself, my ability to communicate, and my “understanding”. It is my life’s challenge to make peace with that wayward voice within me that brings self-doubt, and keeps me silent, and not wanting to extend myself to others who might misinterpret me and my intentions. Thanks, father, for that! The gift that keeps on giving.
As of April 1 of this year, I have followed Dr. Villoldo’s dietary regimen to the tee, and I note the change in my energy, and I am beginning to really have hope that I will again freely access the inner well of infinite meaning, love, healing, and prosperity that came so easily and naturally to me in the past. It probably does not hurt my cause that I have also lost close to twenty pounds in the five months that I have been involved with these dietary lifestyle changes.
I characterize the present phase of my life, the life that I am now leading as a retired person and no longer care-giving to dying friends and family members, as the “purification before ordination” stage of life. That terminology I am borrowing from Joel Goldsmith, and his Infinite Way teachings. The new self that I developed over the years from 1987-2017 will also have to die, of course, to make way for the final upgrade to Bruce 3.0. The “fires of the Spirit” as yet have not burned all that is unlike Spirit away from my field of consciousness, so until that happens, the purification process that is dependent on the letting go of my “ego” and its dependence on suffering and attachment to illusions will continue in earnest. I will be heading into the phase of my life called “spiritual manhood in Christ Consciousness”, or in secular terms, self-actualization, should I live long enough, and remain dedicated to the cause of bringing forth the best of myself that my Spirit can support.
Goose sense: Get your wings on!
I can think of no greater intention to have for my life, for the time that I have left to spend here on planet Earth’s plane of existence. Everybody, if you have not already, please find your wings soon, for I am not flying Home alone on this one! I do understand that Enlightenment, as it is now understood within my own being, requires full integration into the field of human energy and its infinite possibilities. Nobody who wants to remain spiritually healthy stays isolated in a monastery, practices a form of religious fundamentalism, or remains secluded from the rest of humanity, for the entirety of their lives. It is healthy to admit, and acknowledge, that there is no walk into the “promised land” without companionship with ALL of life, and not just a few select special relationships. My life has become a dance of sorts between two internal poles, the one representing isolation and solitude, and the other being full immersion into and unification with the All of life, including our sacred Mother Earth with her natural beauty.
True connection with our self and with the other, takes much time, insight, and commitment. Our culture, its values, its continuing deterioration into poorer spiritual, mental and physical health with its excess dependencies upon the medical profession, drugs and alcohol, media saturation and escapist entertainment, and pseudo “political, economic, religious, and spiritual teachers” and all of its supposed “saviors”, reflects the historical progression of the destruction of the integrity, or the DIVINE, within all of us.
Understanding how we form the walls of the prison that we each may live in individually leads to the insight that removes these walls, once and for all. Next time we look at our self, or someone else, and we do not have a loving perception, we will know that we need to dig deeper, to find the gold that is buried, hidden under the debris left by the entire history of the Common Knowledge Game of human perception.
Awe, wonder, love, connection, healing, wholeness, collaboration, good mental health, all lie within the realm of possibilities for humanity. One person at a time, by accepting personal responsibility for all of our perceptions, and the transmutation of their dark energy into lighter energy through insight, mindfulness, and meditation will bring to us what we have been looking for since Mankind first arrived on this planet.
Anxiety can be overcome, if I can continue to accept personal responsibility for my healing, and make healthier choices for living. I have little control over the political process, but I will continue to write about it, and I vote.
Be wise, oh mankind, the secrets that we keep,
For by our choices, we may awaken, or just die asleep.
Anti-Anxiety Medications and Their Risks
Alprazolam, which you’re probably more familiar with under the brand name Xanax, was involved in more than 6,000 drug overdose deaths in 2016, according to a new report from the CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS). The data, published this week, tallied the drugs most frequently involved in such deaths from 2011 to 2016 as reported on death certificates.
Over that time period, drug overdose deaths increased 54%, from 41,340 in 2011 to 63,632 in 2016, according to the report. Other CDC data shows that drug overdose deaths have only continued to increase; more than 70,000 Americans died of a drug overdose in 2017, and overdose deaths are thought to be contributing to our decreasing lifespans.
Most of the 18,335 overdose deaths in 2016 were linked to fentanyl, the synthetic opioid that’s 50 times stronger than heroin and 100 times stronger than morphine. From 2012 to 2015, heroin had been the deadliest drug, and it was tied to 15,961 overdose deaths in 2016.
Cocaine (11,316) and methamphetamine (6,792) were the next deadliest drugs in 2016, followed by the totally legal (although not without risks) prescription anti-anxiety medication alprazolam. It’s used to treat anxiety disorders and panic disorder by decreasing arousal in the brain, but it was involved in 6,209 overdoses in 2016. It was also involved in 468 overdose deaths that were deemed to be suicides, making it the fourth deadliest drug used for suicide in the report.
