The following material is for those readers with intense philosophical and spiritual curiosity. In “truth” it may not be for anybody. This post is inspired by my relationship with the teacher, and the teachings of Jiddhu Krishnamurti, and a universal truth forever available to any sincere seeker.

The thoughts, beliefs, and experiences that tell us that all that we, and each other, are is our past and our memories, is the tomb that we as individuals, and as a part of cultural collective consciousness, imprison ourselves within.—Bruce Paullin

How might one liberate their self, and experience the Mystery, the Unknown, and the Unknowable?

While both attending college in the early 1980’s, and in my early stages of “awakening” in 1987, I had read several books by important authors on atheism, philosophy and a few of the important religions of the world, including Christianity, Buddhism (emphasis on Tibetan variations), Taoism, Islam, and Hinduism. My intention was not to become better educated in the way others saw God, or themselves, however. I had a purely selfish need in the years following the 1987 revolution within my own heart and soul. I wanted confirmation that I was either insane, or that I had actually “found and experienced truth”, in whatever form that I had received and accepted it at that time and in the years that were to follow.

Jiddu Krishnamurti lived from 1894 through 1986, and was considered a world teacher by many. He saw the need for, and pointed the way to a new collective and individual intelligence as well as anybody who has ever lived. My first exposure to his work was a reading of a paperback book by Krishnamurti, called The Only Revolution, early in 1988.. I had known little of Krishnamurti prior to this time, but after reading this book, I saw, for the first time, a teacher and a teaching that almost identically represented what I had experienced “on the inner plane” of awareness during the apocalyptic meditations and revelations of the summer of 1987. Keep in mind that the word apocalypse literally means the ending of time, which I experienced in meditation. Psychological time ends with the ending of human thought, which never happens for the vast majority of humanity.

Krishnamurti spoke almost poetically, and at length about the potential for experiencing truth, the truth that comes with the ending of knowledge, memory, and psychological time, or, the actual ending of the ego, or self. He described how the mind fragments into various perspectives, creates a main integrator to keep that fragmented consciousness fairly structured, yet fails to perceive that everything that he sees is his own broken self, One of his favorite expressions was
“the observer IS the observed”.

He states unequivocally that “you” as both an individual self, and as an image created by “you” of somebody else, is unreal, without truth or substance, and does not exist other than some illusory conceptual creation of thought.

He talked about the need for liberation, liberation from the culture, the religion, and the teachers that have been created to continue the individual’s imprisonment within society, and which unconscious and semi-conscious individuals within society keep promoting to their own self, and to others. No teacher can effect salvation, it must be worked out within ones own mind, and heart.

To quote Krishnamurti:

“Our whole social and intellectual structure is based on the idea of gain, of achievement; and when mind and heart are held by the idea of gain, there cannot be true living, there cannot be the free flow of life. Isn’t that so? If you are constantly looking to the future, to an achievement, to a gain, to a hope, how can you live completely in the present? How can you act intelligently as a human being? How can you think or feel in the fullness of the present when you are always keeping your eye on the distant future? Through our religion, through our education, we are made as nothing, and being conscious of that nothingness, we want to gain, to succeed. So we constantly pursue teachers, gurus, systems. “

Krishnamurti’s books literally grabbed me, and would not let go, until I read them and re-read them several times. After reading the book “The Ending Of Time”, I knew that the same teaching that informed Krishnamurti, or that was Krishnamurti, was the same teaching that informed me. God, as Krishnamurti experienced God, seemed to be the same God that I was having collisions with. The main difference being that Krishnamurti was able to maintain that state of being constantly, and had for his entire adult life and I, only on special occasions, it seemed.

Krishnamurti died in 1986, yet, somehow, his teachings had mysteriously reached me in 1987, prior to me having ever read about him or what he represented. Saul of Tarsus talked of hearing Jesus Christ’s voice, two years after Jesus’s death on the cross, on the road to Damascus, and this experience caused his conversion to Christianity, and he changed his name to Paul, as a result of this experience. I can’t help but postulate the possibility that either

1). important spiritual teachers, and their primary teachings, remain active in the infinite field of human consciousness, or humanity’s morpho-genetic field after their own deaths, or

2). this information about spiritual transcendence is eternally available within consciousness itself, independent of teachers and teachings, just awaiting someone’s dedication and commitment to its truth so as to bring it forth in their own unique life experience.

What the actual mechanism for delivery of truth’s real message remains unclear, though I have heard the words “prayer” or “telepathy” used by some. Krishnamurti had psychic experiences facilitated by members of the Theosophical Society, such as Charles Ledbetter, where he helped to bring the “Ascended Master Kuthumi” into “communion” with Krishnamurti when he was a teenager. Either way, I had found confirmation that I was not insane, at least not by these new standards, and that one of the greatest teachers of the twentieth century had presented a teaching to the world that not only paralleled my own, but may well have been the source for it, as well.

About Krishnamurti’s teachings, three other points can be made:
First, the current direction of human development makes inevitable serious conflict on various levels.

One is increasing conflict among religious communities, as those societies compete for material and political advantage, and within those communities, particularly the suppression of religious views differing from those dominant in a particular society.

Another is the increasing dissonance between religious traditions and the discoveries by science, a dissonance that is totally absent in what K proposes as a new sort of religion.

Third, although it is possible that most of humanity will continue to choose the illusory comfort that comes with the bondage of traditional religions, one can also point out the attractiveness of K’s vision of absolute freedom.

On one hand, the continuation of organized religions would perpetuate all their psychological and social negative effects. On the other, the arising of a religious mind, in K’s sense, on a global scale, with its widespread shift to living in and by intelligence, would seem to be the only valid basis for the solution of the serious problems, such as warfare, environmental degradation, oppression, etc., that emerge from the usual way of trying to satisfy the basic need for food, shelter, clothing, and physical security. That is, K’s proposal is a profound remedy for the ego-centered perspective that currently infects almost all individuals and all social structures. It also points to the liberation of the mind to its full potential for creative living.

Receptive, inquisitive readers may feel motivated to jump on in, as our true, loving nature is revealed through immersion in this new understanding.

“One is never afraid of the unknown, rather, one is afraid of the known coming to an end.”—–J. Krishnamurti

What if I were to tell you that everything that you think you know about yourself is only a theory, and potentially an unproven one, at that? What if I were to tell you that everything that you think you know about your significant other, your children, your parents, and even your best friends are only theories, and potentially unproven ones at that? What if I were to tell you that everything that you think you know about your planet, including the plants, animals, insects, oceans, rivers, and the rocks and dirt, are only theories, and potentially unproven ones, at that? What if I were to tell you that everything that you think you know, or believe, about God, the Bible, Christianity, or other religions are only theories, and potentially unproven ones at that?

Truth is the antidote for all inaccurate, second-hand, toxic and limiting theories. Truth is not just for the saints and sages. Yet, very few people have any interest in it, because of the belief that they are already covered by their “religion”, or that only their “savior” has the truth, or is the truth. There are others who believe that they already understand it, or, for others, that there is no such thing as “truth. Sadly there is also a category of human beings who are so absorbed with their material world existence that the search for “truth” never even begins, because it does not sound very interesting or entertaining.

One cannot possibly find the sacred, using only the searchlights provided for by the profane.—Bruce Paullin

So, just what is “Truth”, anyway? A fact might be that there is only one mind, to be experienced in the unknown, yet to the uninitiated, that statement would sound vague and esoteric. Another fact might be that it is up to us to determine what is real, and what is not, yet that might sound threatening to those who cling the strongest to their culturally and religiously inculcated theories and dogmas.

Truth is extremely difficult to conceptualize, because truth is elusive, and exists above and beyond all of the words used to chase it with descriptions. Truth is often times best described through our inspired art, poetry and music, where more of the brain becomes engaged to the energy attempting to be shared. But our words still serve a valuable function, yet forever remaining only pointers, or place-holders, for the energy that must be personally experienced, or it will never become psychologically real to the witness.

So, again, what is Truth? There is only a “God” when there is no longer a “me” questioning “what is” while still trying to justify one’s own opinions or ignorance. In that silence, Infinity finds its expression, and the observer is the observed. And there is no longer a need, or a desire, to find “God”, for “God” has found “us”. Yet, there is no longer the “us”, only the witnessing of infinity, by one no longer limited by a verbally intoxicated mind. It is in this silence that love flourishes, and moral and ethical action becomes spontaneous and natural.

The Awakening Voice (by Bruce Paullin)

Though the slowly shifting desert sands of time,
Keep creating ever taller dunes for America’s lost, thirsty souls to climb.
It is through transcending our hateful world of so little reason and rhyme,
That we will reaffirm the way of Truth, with its quenching waters of the Sublime.

As seekers for Peace, on Truth’s high mount’ we must continue to climb,
Or we will stumble through the swirling sands of chaotic, corrupted minds.
That tempts and confuses minds with the lies of false rhyme and reason,
So all our inner Lawyers must object to deceit, and charge those thoughts with treason!

Are we but marionette’s dancing images trapped upon the ATM screen of a monetized mind?
With Corporate America’s dollar driven beliefs in full control, what freedom can we find?
We must release ourselves from the spiritual imprisonment of these choking, binding strings,
And unleash our hearts’ truest wisdom that our liberated Intelligence can then bring.

As shadow boxers of Trumped Up Evil, to what ends do we hope to aspire?
Becoming co-champions with false leaders in their nightmares creates situations that are perpetually dire!
When we first heal our own illusions that promote self-destructive mental pugilist blows,
Our hearts can support the real fight against the Dark Ones who are now on public show.

As a pro-Trump marathoner, only on Life’s treadmills will we perpetually stand,
To follow in a liar’s missteps dooms us all to fail and become life’s also-rans,
Who forever just chase in vain Sanity’s unifying, healing voice.
So step off of his divisive, circular belt, and share first place in the Life all may rejoice!

To finally realize the Truth, is to see ignorance’s agendas are only illusions that limit and bind,
Spun together with the same golden threads of the Emperor’s New Clothes, his evil tailors did wind,
To corrupt the minds and hearts of all innocents, and all of the vulnerable that they can find.
So we must continue to seek our own truth, and then our struggle becomes Sublime!

The non-illuminated, restless mind is devoid of all of Love’s rhyme and Truth’s reason,
And only chases after desert mirages, until it sees the internal corruption that is guilty of treason.                                                                                                Shame on you, Donald Trump, your minions, and the pseudo-Christians who continue to support you.
Blessings to all of America’s holy warriors, who seek for, and hold onto, all that is just, equitable, and true

If we remain attached to our minds, with our limiting words and thoughts, we are perpetually stuck outside of the “Garden of Eden”. The Tree Of Knowledge of “good and evil” will continue to tempt us with its fruit, as we judge our way out of heaven from moment to moment. The flaming swords of our limiting judgements keep us forever on the outside of heaven, trying to look back in. Our shame that has been created by our broken relationship with our society, our family, and our reality will encourage us to cover ourselves with the tattered rags of the lies and misunderstandings of others.  Our hubris keeps us promoting our own broken vision and knowledge, forever blocking us from witnessing the unknown and the mysterious, thus keeping the sacred foundation of our existence unknowable to all of us.

Put that one in your philosophical pipe, and smoke it.

“Why struggle to open the door between us, when the whole wall is an illusion”—-Rumi

Jesus, The Buddha, Mohamed, and all of the other “heroes” or idols of religion and spirituality become potential hindrances to the truth, if we only follow and/or worship them and their words, and don’t see beyond them to the truth that is fundamental to all of us.

Don’t follow the path. Go where there is no path and begin the trail. When you start a new trail equipped with courage, strength, and conviction, the only thing that can stop you is you!—– Ruby Bridges

And the real observer, the sacred, can only laugh at the vast matrix of verbal consciousness created out of the disfigured mind of man. None of our understandings of God, Truth, or Love is real in any lasting, eternal sense, no matter how “sacred” the mind of man have imbued those words with, and historically worshiped them as such.

In the deeper realms of truth, in the deep silence of the sacred within, some difficult, but transformative truths are revealed. There is no such thing as a “you” or a “them” in any ultimate sense of truth, though as we travel through this strange, wonderful world, we must continue to entertain those illusions because of our race’s consensus agreements that such entities must exist, and that their stories must be honored.

Yes, we all must treat and respond to each other as if we are each real in an ultimate sense while we are alive. The truth is that the “self-concept” and the “other concept” are illusions, yet the underlying essence is that which is real, and eternal, and, in truth, the only part capable of loving, and being loved. Yet, those of us who have been wounded deeply, tend to cling the most tightly to our mistaken understanding of ourselves, and the other. When will the vain Emperor within us finally stop hiring the deceptive weavers of invisible golden threads to clothe our purity and nakedness in yet another illusion of self?

“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.” —-William Blake

With the cessation of all movement of thought that has a time base, the revelation of another way of seeing is experienced. Seeing without the limitation of the word is the domain of infinity. The word is the measure of our time based reality, and serves a relative purpose only. Yet, as far as we will ever see, unto eternity, is our self. Will we see the continuation of a limited sense of self, the self fragmented by the word with its concepts of time and space, or will we finally apperceive the all-inclusive self, unlimited by the word and all of its historical relationships with concepts developed within human consciousness?

See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.— Isaiah 65:17 (NIV)

Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety.—- James Baldwin

Mayan ruins at Cerros, Belize

I AM
I am the brightest of mornings, I am the cloudiest of days,
I am the silent night altar upon which mankind prays and preys.
I am the Olmec and Mayan of times old, recent, and new,
I am all civilization’s ruins, and I am the ever-evolving life that regrew.
I am the bird’s call, I am its flight, and the wind beneath its wings,
I am the music and its spirit that joyously lifts all hearts up to sing.
I am the water, I am the lagoon and the bay,
I am the infinite ocean where my children are birthed, live, love and play.
I am the blue sky, I am the weather changes, and the gathering of clouds,
I am the lightning storms that are now appearing so dangerous and loud.
I am the wind and the sun, I am the warm soothing breeze,
I am even our cold’s most raucous cleansing sneeze.
I am the dolphin and manatee, I am the mangrove lined shores,
I am waves crashing against rocks, that photographers adore.
I am the mind, and I am the end to its lonely thoughts,
I am the heart’s loving web in which we are miraculously caught.
I am the boisterous protests, and I am the crowd made quiet,
I can be even be found witnessing the white supremacists’ riot.
I am the wealthy, and I am the hurt, oppressed and poor,
I am your heritage, history, and future until we all are no more.
I am the Sanders and Pelosis, I am the Putins and Trumps,
I am love’s warriors, and I am also hate’s chumps.
I am the Christian, and the Hindu, I am the Muslim and the Jew
I am the Atheist and Buddhist who you never thought that you knew.
I am the cancer and its treatment, I am the movement towards health,
I am the healing balm that works mysteriously in stealth.
I am the grief, and I am the pain and the sorrow,
I am the deepest well of hope from which we eternally borrow.
I am your lifetime, I am your body and its breath,
I am the blessed last moment before each of our deaths.
I am the death of the false self that leads to the only true heaven,
Our denial of this truth brings the hellish news on channel two at eleven.
I am the sacred, and I am even the profane,
I am the source of all that we treasure, resisting me only adds to life’s pain.
I am not the movement of our thoughts, while we cling to concepts of time,
I am the emergence from all shadows, we all must reach for the sublime
What is my name, and where is my place?
Being ONE is seeing Me on every smiling and suffering sentient beings’ face.

“Be still, and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth.” – Psalm 46:10

Set out, pilgrim. Set out into the freedom and the wandering. Find your people. God is much bigger, wilder, more generous, and more wonderful than you imagined. – Sarah Bessey

The question remains: How will we see our self today? Are we the eyes and ears of an important part of an unbroken whole, or are we only a fragmented part seeing through the kaleidoscope of a broken mind?

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are”  —Anaia Nin

Religious reasoning and oxymorons

Religious reasoning still is an oxymoron, being subject to fantasy and tribal control dramas throughout human history. This illusory thinking style will never bring anyone close to the Kingdom Of Heaven, but it may bring the adherent closer to the hypnotic spell of religious tribalism and delusion. To find Truth, we must let go of the controls of the past, be they religious, philosophical, familial, emotional, and/or physical in nature. All of our knowledge is an accumulation of incomplete perceptions, no matter how hallowed or sacred the concepts derived from which have become over our history. Our personal and collective knowledge accretions may even become a prison cell for our spirit, until we find a way to release ourselves from the pillories of our ignorance.

So, again, what is “truth”?

When Pontius Pilate asked Jesus “what is truth?”, Jesus stood silent before him, and said nothing. The greatest leader of the age saw no wrong in Jesus. If Pontius Pilate understood the silence, he would have set him free, but instead asked the mob what to do with Jesus. Of course, the mob mind will choose the criminal Barnabas any day over what the truth is, because truth cannot be seen by the profane mind of unconscious man. The same is true for today, with the mob mind of white evangelical Christianity, and other politically corrupted groups, clamoring for untruth, immorality and greed in the personage of Donald Trump over truth and justice.

LOVE’S REUNION (poem by Bruce Paullin)
I stumbled over the frozen wilderness for oh, so long!
With a hole in my heart that life could just not fill
Until I stopped to rest, and heard a gentle voice singing a long forgotten song
That promised of my release from this winter world of painful chill
Her lyrics spoke of the return of Life to freedom
And the release of shivering minds from darkness’ frozen, fearful hands
She drew me closer without any further verbal tethers
And prepared me for the walk back to Love’s now awakening lands
Her warming presence melted the icy hardness that I used to know
Inspiring within me the courage, to myself and my world, to say
That, to all of my past memories’ barren trees of lifeless knowledge, I now refuse to go
I will now accept only the lessons learned along Love’s Infinite Way
Yes, she met me while I was with the dark companion
But it was to her pleasure to take me home to share her loving lights
And give me the shelter of Love’s never setting summer sun
She changed my cold mourning into happier, heavenly nights!
By freely offering of herself and all of her sacred charms
She moves me through life’s clamorous valleys unto its silent peaks
I can now retire from a life of fruitless wanderings
To live in the Source of Peace of which mankind forever seeks
Her life is resplendent with Wisdom, Strength, and Beauty
For these are the robes with which she clothes her being
The gift of Love now unwraps before my inviting eyes
To reveal her ecstatic vision, which is now all-seeing
My search for Truth and Love Sublime has finally ended
For, I now fill my empty cup from her joyous running streams
I have reunited with my eternally fulfilling lover
And, her healing waters dissolve all of my painful dreams
I only seek to remain within her all-embracing arms
While through all life she extends her ever unfolding surprise
My first waking breath each morning brings the certainty
That, from my bed, joined as one, we again shall arise
My broken heart and shattered life is finally mending
And, wedded to her life, I now call her my faithful bride
Life no longer has a fearful road ahead to travel
For, One with God, on Love’s lighted path, I now gratefully stride

So, finally, what is truth?

Sacred silence and its unbroken vision of one infinite self.

Perfection lies, behind all eyes,
We, who would look within ourselves, will find,
The Sublime Surprise, of which all Life does comprise,
The Divine Self of all Mankind.
We, who have made our choice, with one free voice,
Call to our Eternal Source Supreme,
We will no longer roam, we are coming Home,
We are awakening from the “human” dream!
With courage draught, from fear made naught,
We move from temporal shadow to Eternal Light,
The Kingdom sought becomes the Vision caught,
Whosoever overcomes, now sees with unhindered sight!
The Love All-Knowing, the Truth now showing,
With Divinity, We walk hand in hand.
In us its growing, through us its flowing,
Embracing all between space and land.
With Hearts entwined, One Soul Divine,
To this world, We are a blessing immense.
Though we pass this way for but a day,
With Divine experience, who would dare dispense?

If you don’t want to disown your own unique Spirit, watch out for truth’s damned distant relatives!  They will try to steal your spiritual inheritance!

Fundamentally, we are all magnificent, radiant beings of infinite potential, yet our sleeping minds create images of us and the other which are forever limited, and limiting. We surround ourselves with religions and other communities which help to support our erroneous concepts of ourselves, and the other, and our spiritual integrity and dignity remains compromised until we wake up and assume our rightful place in Love’s Universe.

Those who are not the “Truth”, forever are competitors with the “Truth”. We currently have a President and his White House staff, as well as some members of the Congress and the Senate, who prefer to lie to themselves and to the people of the United States. Those who are poor in spirit, and in Truth, will always be among us. There are also those who are awaiting their “heaven” after they die. All of these examples are of people who have missed the point of living their lives, and they remain the lost souls roaming our planet. They turn the sacred into a profane, tawdry marketplace, manipulating others poor in spirit and understanding so as to achieve their own selfish, self-destructive and Earth destructive ends. They are not even aware that they are creating the conditions for Hell on Earth.

There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don’t expect you to save the world I do think it’s not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect.-— Nikki Giovanni

Will Love ever win out?

Meditate on that one, if you dare!

So, finally what is Truth?

Truth is not part of the structure of thought, existing at a trancendental level of unknowing where our hearts and our intuition join together in the sacred silence of our infinite potential.

The only acceptable sacrifice to be made for the Truth is our past,  and our future, for Presence is only in the present.

Either we are the Truth, we continue seek the truth, or we disregard the truth.

This is how the concepts of heaven and hell are created.

Do your concepts burden you, or point you to freedom?

We are all free to choose again, if our present choices don’t bring happiness, joy, connection, love, sanity, and appreciation for our Mother Earth.

More perfect than you are, you will never be, for what could be added to infinity?—-Marie Schmidt

No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” —-Jesus said in Matthew 6:24,(NLT)

Heaven and Hell (Ronnie James Dio-Black Sabbath)

Sing me a song, you’re a singer
Do me a wrong, you’re a bringer of evil
The Devil is never a maker
The less that you give, you’re a taker

So, it’s on and on and on
It’s Heaven and Hell, oh well, yeah

The lover of life’s not a sinner
The ending is just a beginner
The closer you get to the meaning
The sooner you’ll know that you’re dreaming

So, it’s on and on and on
Oh, it’s on and on and on
It goes on and on and on
Heaven and Hell, I can tell

Fool, fool

Oh-oh, oh
Ooh-ooh, ooh
Yeah-yeah, yeah

Well, if it seems to be real, it’s illusion
For every moment of truth, there’s confusion in life
Love can be seen as the answer
But nobody bleeds for the dancer

And it’s on and on, on and on and on
And on and on and on and on and on

They say that life’s a carousel
Spinning fast, you gotta ride it well

The world is full of Kings and Queens
Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams

It’s Heaven and Hell, oh well
And they’ll tell you black is really white
The moon is just the sun at night

And when you walk in golden halls
You get to keep the gold that falls

It’s Heaven and Hell, oh no!
Fool, fool!
You’ve got to bleed for the dancer!
Fool, fool!
Look for the answer!
Fool, fool, fool!

Iris (Goo Goo Dolls)

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

I am that I am.  Once again, are you truth, or just another illusion. Who are you?

Categories: Musings

Bruce

Presently, I am 67 years old, and I am learning how to live the life of a retired person. I am married to Sharon White, a retired hospice nurse, and writer. Whose Death Is It Anyway-A Hospice Nurse Remembers Sharon is a wonderful friend and life partner of nearly 30 years. We have three grandsons through two of Sharon's children. I am not a published writer or poet. My writings are part of my new life in retirement. I have recently created a blog, and I began filling it up with my writings on matters of recovery and spirituality. I saw that my blog contained enough material for a book, so that is now my new intention, to publish a book, if only so that my grandsons can get to know who their grandfather really was, once I am gone. The title for my first book will be: Penetrating The Conspiracy Of Silence, or, How I Lived Beyond My Expiration Date I have since written 7 more books, all of which are now posted on this site. I have no plans to publish any of them, as their material is not of general interest, and would not generate enough income to justify costs. I have taken a deep look at life, and written extensively about it from a unique and rarely communicated perspective. Some of my writing is from 2016 on to the present moment. Other writing covers the time prior to 1987 when I was a boy, then an addict and alcoholic, with my subsequent recovery experience, and search for "Truth". Others are about my more recent experiences around the subjects of death, dying, and transformation, and friends and family having the most challenging of life's experiences. There are also writings derived from my personal involvement with and insight into toxic masculinity, toxic religion, toxic capitalism, and all of their intersections with our leadere. These topics will not be a draw for all people, as such personal and/or cultural toxicities tends to get ignored, overlooked, or "normalized" by those with little time for insight, introspection, or interest in other people's points of view on these troubling issues. There also will be a couple of writings/musings about "GOD", but I try to limit that kind of verbal gymnastics, because it is like chasing a sunbeam with a flashlight. Yes, my books are non-fiction, and are not good reading for anybody seeking to escape and be entertained. Some of the writings are spiritual, philosophical and intellectual in nature, and some descend the depths into the darkest recesses of the human mind. I have included a full cross section of all of my thoughts and feelings. It is a classic "over-share", and I have no shame in doing so. A Master Teacher once spoke to me, and said "no teacher shall effect your salvation, you must work it out for yourself". "Follow new paths of consciousness by letting go of all of the mental concepts and controls of your past". This writing represents my personal work towards that ultimate end.