The process of writing a book has been a great challenge for me. First, I am new to writing, having written very little in my life until the fall of 2016. So I am learning a bit about writing, while also learning a lot about myself and my world through this process.
What I have learned about my life is that much of my early life can be characterized by the mesmerization of me by the traumatic influences that I experienced. Trauma’s most damaging impact upon a human being is its capacity to attenuate, or even block, normal emotional expression and interchange with others, Literally, unexpressed energy is stored within the body and mind, creating black holes of negative influence on healthy bodily function, and happy human interchange.
My “Spirit of Wholeness” gave to me a most amazing, profound dream in 1964, when I was eight years old. Up to that point in my life, I experienced nightmares almost continuously during sleep time, resulting in bed wetting and poor sleep patterns. There were several adult truths expressed through the dream, but the final message was that the darkness that I witnessed in my life had personal and collaborative causes, much of which was embedded within myself. The rest of my life, even up to the present moment, can be characterized by my wrestling match with that most important individual, and collective, truth.
Writing about trauma as a baby and pre-verbal human being eventually opened up Pandora’s box to my unexpressed anger, abandonment, betrayal, and loneliness issues. The unblocking of that energy caused a major movement of energy, and brought fear and concern for my emotional health from my life partner, Sharon, during the two plus hours I had tapped into that suffering. Recently, I also rewrote the section of my life of the period 1986-1987, when I attempted suicide, and began my search for Truth. Pandora’s box opened up again, causing me to re-experience the traumatic emotions of that age including despair pain, loneliness and grief. I truly entered the “dark night of the soul”.
The investigation of personal trauma, my response to it, and my search for truth is an exercise in compassion, understanding, and healing, and not maudlin in nature., My intention for this writing was not to bring harm to myself, but to bring a message to the world about the suffering that the world so casually creates, and then denies its own culpability. I wanted to give voice to the millions who already died, went insane, or have been imprisoned because of our shared disease of the spirit, and the collective conspiracy of silence around society’s and religion’s responsibility for it. My hope is to give a voice to the suffering of our world, while pointing in the direction towards where our healing might be found.
In July of 2021, after I finished the underworld chapter of 1986-1987, I took a long drive in my sports car. Typically, I find great joy and happiness through such a drive, but this time there was no such release. As I slowed down and began to end the drive about an hour from home, a dove changed direction, and flew to my car, and led me for about 20 seconds, until I stopped the car. I wondered what this experience meant, so I did an internet search. In spiritual circles, the dove leading me meant that my guiding spirit was still with me, forever leading me back onto the paths of peace and healing.
I cried for two minutes. And, with the tears, I found forgiveness and compassion for myself.
What greater gift to self can there be?
This book may not be for the healthy, wealthy, and wise among us. It is designed, however, for those seeking to create their own unique bridge to our healing potential.
The search for truth continues.
May you find what you are looking for.
