I completed this phase of my week of tears and mourning, and smiles, joy, and celebration, around my upbringing and my entire school experience, The 50-year class reunion brought many hours of contemplation, meditation, and healing intentions and actions, and supported my lifelong journey towards letting go of all that is unlike Spirit. I give my prayers of gratitude to all of those who shared in this magical, mysterious, joyful, fun, happy, humorous, hopeful, collaborative, lonely, depressive, betraying, painful, suicidal, selfish, loving, judgmental, serious, irreverent, boring, hateful, ignorant, imprisoning, educational, evolutionary, enlightening, grieving, traumatic, liberating, and ultimately, sacred, healing journey of discovery of self, each other, and our ever expanding understanding of our relationship to the world, and to the Infinite, and our roles as personally responsible spiritual adults.
I wrote an epic Facebook post to help me catalogue, make peace with, and then finally let go of my past. I then shut the post down, and gave it back to Great Spirit, for healing and reintegration back into Self (I have returned it back to active status as of 8/21). Our writings are like mandalas, and are temporary photographs, or placeholders, for our present state of mind, whether we consider ourselves “creative” or not. And like the Tibetan Buddhists, upon completion of their colored sand mandalas, we must be willing to wipe the slate clean, to prepare for our new creative endeavor. If we are repetitive, dull, boring, and/or stuck in a loop, by becoming conscious of that fact, we can remove ourselves from those fixed verbal and written testimonials to ourselves that keep us pilloried to a dead past.
Saturday morning my wife Sharon White and I had a fire ritual inspired by our shamanic backgrounds to assist in the healing of my energy field, I am well versed in Jungiam psychology and healing work, 12 Step spiritual healing work, mystical Christianity and healing work, ancient mythology and story as avenues towards understanding and healing, shamanic understanding and healing, Buddhist understanding, with an emphasis on Zen practice, metaphysics and its marriage with quantum theory, and pagan and Mother Earth based worship and healing
All that I see, and will ever see, until I remain one with Infinity, is myself, as I move from immaturity, selfishness and unnecessary suffering towards true selflessness and compassion and empathy for all life, which now includes my own. How I see my world, and my past and present relationship with The All determines the quality of my life, and the development of consciousness that can support, envelop, and nurture my entire life experience.
I choose all movements of thought and action guided by love and healing intentions today.
Thank you, past, present, and future, for supporting me on this incredible journey.
Thank you to all dear departed friends, for bringing love and enhanced meaning to my life.
Thank you to the friends of the present who share in healing intent as we happily move upon our infinite evolutionary path with Spirit.
Those who have made their own hero’s journey away from personal, family, and cultural toxicity are much more open to self-healing, rather than self-destruction. Those on the healing path reset their bodies and minds to a healthier baseline, or to a state of peaceful homeostasis. Most will learn to practice healthier eating and sleep patterns, stress reduction techniques, such as enlightened prayer, meditation and mindfulness, conscious breathing, perform exercises such as Tai Chi, Yoga, Pilates, etc., practice the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and/or mindfulness techniques, use indigenous plant or Western technology inspired medicine where indicated, enlist the help of a therapist, and/or meet another person who has transcended their own suffering and self-destructive tendencies. They will have plowed the fertile healing grounds, and may anticipate the healthiest present state of existence, with the most productive spiritual harvest.
Those who remain silent about their own responsibility for and participation in their own projections of hatred, ignorance, pain, suffering, intolerance onto others, remain a fixture of our culture’s conspiracy of silence. It happens on the cultural level, and on the personal level. We are all victims of destruction of our planetary ecosystem, the ongoing 6th extinction of the animal kingdom, deviant billionaires attempting to control our minds, our political understanding, and our pocketbooks, social and economic inequity, intolerance, bullying, racism, sexism, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, and all other malicious, malevolent attitudes and behaviors, trickling down from our politicians, religions that are resistant to equality for all beings, corporate boards, employers, family members who raised or still oppress us, and co-workers, acquaintances, fellow drivers on the road, and the impatient person in the cashier’s line with us at the grocery store who have no time or heart for us..
Our country and its citizens owe an apology and reparations to all of the minorities it has persecuted and punished, such as the Indians, the Blacks, Browns, Reds, the Hispanics, the Immigrants, the Gays, Lesbians, and Transgenders, the Infirm, the Old, and the Poor. Elements within our Christian religion, especially Southern Baptists and unaware, backward minded Catholicism, owes an apology to women, the Muslims, homosexuals, to the infidels, to the secular, to the “Jewish faith who crucified Jesus”, and to all who have been persecuted because they were perceived as inferior beings, and/or non-believers or non-conformers.
The temptation to follow the herd, or to swim with the lemming, is built right into the foundational nature of our socialized existence. Life is always a self-fulfilling prophecy, yet whose self are we fulfilling? What if your life is fulfilling the prophecies of your religion and culture, rather than that of your true self? As we awaken, we discover that there is often a vast difference. While unenlightened forces dominate human consciousness, oppression and repression are born, and nurtured. This creates more damaged human beings, who continue to remain unconscious, and damage more of our sacred planet, and this unconsciousness is overpopulating our planet. The fate of these damaged people is to continue to damage themselves, each other, and the very planet that supports and sustains them, until they live out their common fate, or find their self, its truth, and their ultimate destiny.
Find the self, and the life that has a great future, and discard the one that will die with our rotting civilization. Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I see a great future for our planet, if enough of us break free from the effects of the collective oppression by others and, ultimately, the repression of our Spirit. If enough of us find the only self that can be free, collective liberation becomes more of a possibility. What on Earth is humanity waiting for? This moment, we can all be free. Our normal individual life experience is replete with examples of our relationships to Mother Nature, to our family, to our neighborhood, to our nation, to the principles behind our economy, to our natural or adopted life philosophy and spirituality, to our religion and any associated prophets and/or deities (if any), and to all of our wounding and suffering. These intended and unintended connections give us ample opportunities for understanding what influences take us away from, or towards our personal truth and to a better place to live spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Heaven need not be an arcane and “stupor-stitious” concept for the hope for some sort of after death paradise, but attainable as an actual living reality for the present moment. .
Let us praise and honor the light that has shown through our lives at every juncture, from birth until now, and whether we recognized it or not, for that is the only Christ that may be experienced, in our narratives, and in the now. If we are still looking to Jesus for our salvation, it is time to consider looking for the unique threads of timelessness within our self, and our own infancy, childhood, and life experiences. That is where we crucified and buried the Christ. It us up to us to roll away the massive stone covering our tomb. Are the threads of love wound stronger around our heart than the unraveling intentions of an often hateful, indifferent world that can mercilessly tug at them? We have the power to resurrect the dead within us, so what is our choice for today? Healing of trauma precedes full awareness of our noble nature, once the labyrinth created by our wounding is finally made conscious and exited. The liberated life no longer sees the threatening, creativity eating Minotaur at every turn, and the release from the labyrinthine mind reveals infinite new paths of consciousness to travel upon, and results in lifelong effects on our potential for and experience of joy, creative expression, and spiritual evolution.
The 12 Steps of AA Revised To Reflect My Present Spiritual Understanding
1). Through our own extended suffering, we finally found the desire to want it to end. We admitted that when we become self-destructively habituated to any substance, situation, perception, or judgement and/or lack of forgiveness in our relationships with others, we lose our freedom of choice, bring unnecessary trauma into our lives, and into the lives of others, and, thus, fail to achieve any lasting sense of inner peace and joy. We finally realize that our lives have been lived unconsciously and have become unmanageable as a result of that neglect.
02). With our newfound hope and openness for change, came the desire to begin to awaken to higher possibilities for our lives. We realized that, in our essence, we have an interior, though neglected, power that will heal us and restore us to balance, if we pursue it in earnest. We now realize that we have not been living up to our full potential as human beings.
03). We made a decision to turn our will, and our lives, over to the care of our higher interior power. We become open to the possibility of embracing a new Truth for our lives. We want to access the power to continuously evolve, and we want to cultivate our heart to be more loving to ourselves and to others. We decide to let go of ANYTHING that impedes our progress towards happiness, healing and wholeness. We realize that without the deepest of desires, and intentions, to change our behavior, we will not be transformed.
04). We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We have lived a life without a high sense of self-esteem, and we have made unfortunate choices because of the scarcity consciousness that has resulted from it. We realize that when we find the blocks to our evolution, and become willing to remove them, our newfound insight will guide our paths with precision to the Truth of our existence. This is our entrance onto the path of mindfulness and higher consciousness.
05). We admitted that we were not being truthful with ourselves and with others, and by talking with another who we may trust, yet not be beholden to, about our errors in judgement and in actions towards our self and others, we can better deal with the shame and self-judgement that so often arises from the deadly secrets that we once felt that we must keep. Just by honestly talking with someone else, our burdens can be lifted. Our secrets need no longer keep us imprisoned, and mentally ill. When two or more people come together in the spirit of truth and honesty, mutual compassion and empathy also become part of the gathering.
06). We became entirely willing to let go of our attachments to unhealthy attitudes, behavior, and people. We wish to see clearly, without the limitations of our past, of our family history, and of our cultural conditioning, with all of their embedded trauma.
07). We open our hearts through humility and the willingness to change to embrace a new possibility for our life. Our newfound sense of connection with our higher interior power inspires us to become more grateful for the gifts that we now have, and we are now spiritually preparing to finally give back to the world in a meaningful, positive way. We want to finally let go of all of the emotional charged memories which keep us trapped in a dead past. Rejoice, for the old demons are being transformed into the new angels!
08). While we were unconscious to our higher potential as human beings, we brought emotional, spiritual and perhaps even physical harm to other innocent beings, and we want to try bringing healing and peace to those who have suffered from the effects of our ignorance. We realize that through the mirror of all of our relationships, dysfunctional or otherwise, we are granted a view into how we truly see ourselves. We want to see through the eyes of Truth, and not through the pain and suffering that unfulfilled relationships may have brought to us.
09). We made direct amends wherever possible to all people we may have brought harm to, except when to do so would bring further injury to them or to others. Our guilt will not be assuaged at the expense of others. We make full application of our newfound wisdom, and our renewed desire to bring no harm to any sentient being. We want our world, and our own personal sense of self, to feel safe from further attacks from us, and our honest disclosure of our mistakes to those impacted by our errors in judgement will continue to support that intention.
10), We continued to take personal inventory, and, when wrong, promptly admit it. We have become honest with ourselves. We practice mindfulness and continue to develop our capacity for insight into ourselves. We now know ourselves, and we now know many of the potential impediments to experiencing and expressing the Truth of our being. We no longer solely abide in old modes of thought, and now we are more focused on the beauty of the present moment.
11). We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the Truth of our being, praying only for knowledge of Truth, and the willingness to live within its infinite domain. We now understand that this whole process of recovery is a meditation on life, and that the evolving, healing life that we are now experiencing is our living prayer. Each time we drink from the deep interior waters revealed to us by meditation, more of our painful dreams are dissolved. We finally realize that the capacity to change, to evolve, to grow in our infinite spirit is the whole point of our human existence. We are now traveling upon new paths of consciousness.
12). Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we attempted to carry our message of recovery to our world, while continuing to practice these principles in all our affairs. We have finally become whole, and are now conscious, caring human beings. We have accepted full personal responsibility for our lives, including healing our past, and keeping our present balanced and harmonious, and we no longer blame others for who we are now. We are now experiencing prosperity on many levels and have witnessed the healing of ourselves. We have saved the world—from ourselves. Our life is now our truest teacher. We realize that we have no power to bring salvation to others, yet it is our responsibility to point to the way of healing for others who may still be suffering, and who may finally become interested in overcoming their own limitations.
Without the light of love, and connections with each other and our world with our full heart and soul, whatever threads we are holding onto will break, and the Minotaur roaming in our labyrinthine minds will have won.
I now live the life of a retired person, and I have for 10 years. I am married to Sharon White, a retired hospice nurse, and writer of the heartfelt and insightful book—-Whose Death Is It Anyway-A Hospice Nurse Remembers. Sharon is a wonderful friend and life partner of nearly 35 years. We have three grandsons through two of Sharon’s children. I am not a published writer or poet. My writings are part of my new life in retirement. I have recently created a blog in 2016, and I began filling it up with my writings on matters of recovery and spirituality. I saw that my blog contained enough material for a book, so that is now my new intention, to publish a book, if only so that my grandsons can get to know who their grandfather really was, once I am gone. There are few others who would presently care to know more. The title for my first published book will be—No More Turning Away—Breaking The Conspiracy Of Silence, or, How I Lived Beyond My Expiration Date. My editor Melinda Copp reduced 1130 full pages down to 231, though I will add a few prior to final publishing. I wanted to wait until after the 50-year reunion before I brought the book to the world, and I am glad I did. I have written 9 other non-fiction books, I have plans to publish one more– the Electrician’s Guide To Our Galaxy.
I have taken a deep look at life and written extensively about it from a unique and rarely communicated perspective. Some of my writing is from 2016 on to the present moment. Other writing covers the time prior to 1987 when I was a boy, then an addict and alcoholic, with my subsequent recovery experience, and search for “Truth”. Others are about my more recent experiences around the subjects of death, dying, and transformation, and friends and family having the most challenging of life’s experiences. There are also writings derived from my personal involvement with and insight into toxic masculinity, toxic religion, toxic capitalism, and all of their intersections with our leaders. These topics will not be a draw for all people, as such personal and/or cultural toxicities tends to get ignored, overlooked, or “normalized” by those with little time for insight, introspection, or interest in other people’s points of view on these troubling issues. There are a couple of writings/musings about “GOD”, but I try to limit that kind of verbal gymnastics, because it is like chasing a sunbeam with a flashlight. Yes, my books are non-fiction, and are not good reading for anybody seeking to escape and be entertained. Some of the writings are spiritual, philosophical and intellectual in nature, and some descend the depths into the darkest recesses of the human mind. I have included a full cross section of all of my thoughts and feelings. It is a classic “over-share”, and I have no shame in doing so.
A Master Teacher once spoke to me, and said “no teacher shall effect your salvation, you must work it out for yourself”. “Follow new paths of consciousness by letting go of all of the mental concepts and controls of your past”. “All of your concepts about “you” cannot be real, so find your nonconceptual ground of being itself, and you will find the Truth”. “You think about time to distract yourself. There is a form of awareness that is timeless, requiring no thought to support It. All movements of thought that are disguised with the wardrobe of time are illusory. When you no longer desire to achieve, to transcend, or to even become, you are home . That is where love, and your true nature abides”. “You are either a living, dynamic divine expression of the Truth of this Universe, or just another speculative, static, limited, dying conceptualization within your individual mind, and the collective mind of mankind”.
All of my writing represents my personal work towards that ultimate end of letting go of all of the controls of the past, and even of time itself. I choose to drink from the timeless fountains where the eternally young swim, rather than the time tethered swamps where aging, suffering humanity goes to die.
I am now living the life of my dreams.
I am also now living the life of my Truth.
