The slowly shifting desert sands of time,
Created ever taller dunes for this lost soul to climb.
Yet, tired of dying in my selfish, hateful world of so little reason and rhyme,
I finally sought the way to Truth, and a new Love Sublime.
Thirty three years ago June 22nd (yes, half a lifetime ago) I had a transformative experience that healed me of mental illness, with the healing re-energizing and transforming my broken life. I was to experience new levels of awareness and insight that, at times, took me to places where few people have gone before, and returned to tell others about it. The journey of healing continues.The following blog post is a statement of absolute importance to me, but in this world of “relativity”, my story may have very little value to most people. I understand, all too well, my own story’s relative unimportance,
It was June 22, 1987, and I was hiking up to Larch Mountain, a beautiful peak that overlooks the Columbia River valley. From its elevated vantage point it oversees all of the major mountain peaks of the area. In the ancient times, I was to learn several years later, this area was considered sacred ground by the indigenous people, who came to this area from miles around to honor their Great Spirit, and to hold their sacred ceremonies and prayer rituals.
Oh seeker of Truth, God’s high mount you would climb,
Though you keep stumbling through the valley’s shifting sands of time.
Stop confusing your mind with worn out rhyme and reason,
For they are eternally charged by Truth with treason!
I arrived at the top, and allowed myself to become as quiet as my mind would allow for. I slowly did a 360 degree rotation, observing for the many miles around me, in all directions, the incredible beauty of the area, including the mountain peaks of Rainier, Adams, St. Helens, Hood, Jefferson, and the great winding river called the Columbia River. It felt as if I were on the top of a great observatory, and, today, I was the only person with this special view, and I was quite grateful just to be alive, and to have this privilege.
Oh mental marathoner, only on a treadmill you stand,
Second hand words and thoughts keep you as life’s also ran.
Your mind forever chases in vain Love’s all-knowing voice,
Be still, for with it’s end, you will find the true cause to rejoice!
I bypassed a guard rail, and I then climbed around the rocky peak so as to be hidden from the view from anyone who might follow me up to the observation area. With the additional privacy that I had created for myself, I then felt comfortable enough to begin to pray and meditate for just a little while. I was quite poor at this activity, as my body still had mild tremors, and my mind refused to quiet itself. But, at least I made myself available to Spirit, in the way that felt appropriate to me.
Oh marionette’s image dancing upon the screen of the world’s mind,
With it’s illusory beliefs in control, what freedom is there to find?
Release your mind from those tangled mesmerizing strings,
To prepare for a new vision that only My Intelligence can bring!
My nervous system was still quite compromised from all of the poisoning caused by the chemistry experiments masquerading as methamphetamine/crank that I had ingested over the past 18 months, in addition to my continued abuse of alcohol during that period. At this point, on June 22nd, I had been clean and sober for 3 months, and I had been practicing the 12 Steps of drug and alcohol recovery, but a total healing or recovery seemed out of the question at this point. I had been a drug addict and alcoholic, more or less, since I was 15 years old, but the last 18 months had really taken a toll.
Oh shadow boxer of evil, when will you ever tire?
Tis champion of a lonely dream world to which you would aspire!
Stop resuscitating those dark illusions with your mental pugilist blows,
Open your heart to the Peace of the only One Who All Knows!
My health was improving a little, but I still was having physical tremors, almost identical to Parkinson’s disease, and I was also experiencing the psychological discomfort of “hearing voices”,an activity within my mind which consisted, at this point, of mentally generated internal thought based feedback about whatever I was observing, or doing at the time. I also could “hear” people’s thoughts about me, though at this point I was able to “rationally overrule” those voices, by stating to myself that unless I actually heard the words from the person’s mouth, they were not real, and I just ignored their suggestions. I knew that my symptoms were quite similar in nature to what sufferers of schizophrenia experience.
The “voices” were nothing more than my own thoughts, yet, in my mind, they appeared to be coming from a center not quite of my self, but of something, or some nature, not quite me. I was literally “out of phase” with myself. It was also like having a play by-play announcer operating in my mind, who mentally verbalized everything that was happening, as it happened, with no color commentary added to it (it was a “third person” perspective, with a running monologue documenting anything that my consciousness was focusing on at any particular moment).
I had an uncomfortable relationship with this mental feedback, and I did not report this to medical professionals, fearing that I would be hospitalized, or placed on the same destructive medications that I had seen administered to my mentally ill ex-wife. She had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, though she also had multiple personality disorder symptoms, as well. I had resigned myself to a life of marginal mental health, at best.
A light, warm breeze carried the fragrance of the nearby pine trees to me, drawing me away from the problems of my body, and of my mind. I continued to be absorbed by the beauty of the area, and the majesty of the unobstructed views. The mountain peaks began to feel closer to me, for some as yet unknown reason. I felt as though I could reach out and touch each of them. The river far below me felt close, very close, and the whole panorama seemed to be drawing nearer to me, and I began experiencing everything in a different way than I ever had before. And, for the 2nd time in a month, I started feeling “beautifully unusual”.
A month ago I had experienced a “vision”, and, with its presence, all of my loneliness and depression had temporarily lifted. The image of a beautiful woman (the Mona Lisa) holding a baby appeared, and stayed, in my field of vision for nearly eight hours. I attributed that temporary healing to the presence of the vision, and an unknown form of love had flowed into me during its presence.
The “vision” had disappeared, but it had left its memory of a beautiful, unconditional love, and with it, traces of hope, and the expectations that something was to follow, of some as yet unknown nature. Well, something was following now, and it was “closer than breathing, nearer than hands and feet”. (It is now no mystery to me as to why the “vision” of a mother holding a baby came to me on May 24, 1987 to represent the potential for a healing love, and presence, in my life. It is only those who are willing to bring forth new life, and awareness, into this world that may establish and maintain a connection with our Greatest Spirit).
A voice inside of my head then stated, with its typical matter of fact nature,
“HE IS HAVING AN EXPERIENCE WITH GOD”.
My mind found peace and quiet, an almost totally unknown phenomenon to me up to this point in my life. It was if Spirit’s gentle breezes were carrying away all of the mental debris accumulated over my lifetime. I was no longer separate from that which I was viewing. Everything revealed itself as an extension of my own self, of my own true nature. For the first time in my existence, I could see that, as far as I can see, all that I will ever see, unto eternity, is my own self. Then, with a sense of all of my thoughts now being my own, I asked myself
“How will I see myself today?”
I saw that all of humanity, and, all of nature itself, was my true family. I saw that everybody was either my brother, or my sister, in this new, true nature that was revealed within me. I looked within myself, and for the first time in my life, I only saw myself, as well. The third person monologue had stopped!! I held my hands out before me, and my hands, which usually shook so bad that I could not even write my signature clearly, or use a spoon to eat from a bowl without making a mess, were steady!
Peace had finally found me on a mountain peak, and I had finally found my true self. And, I had finally found that life, that TRUTH, I had been seeking since I know not when. And, a man who felt isolated for most of his life felt compelled to search for “my people”, which began a brand new journey of hope, connection, and healing with all others.
I had finally found what real recovery is. It is not just stopping drinking alcohol and using drugs. It is the decrease, and, ultimately, the elimination of all patterns of thought that keep me from caring for this world, and for all of the life upon it. I can’t be alive, and live life fully and holistically, without loving my fellow-man, and all life upon our planet. And this means that I must somehow find the way to release myself from the pillories of indifference, hatred, self-loathing, suffering, and the desire for self-annihilation.
When I think of the love that I might have for a newborn baby, or my favorite pet, I feel that love completely, with no self-consciousness, and with no reservations at all. I spare none of my heart or soul. But when I think of that family member or acquaintance who can cause so much distress, so much anger, can I give the same love that I would give for my baby to that person who I am distressed with? If I can’t let go of those negative emotions, then that is an example of my separation from God, or the truth of that present moment relationship. Today I choose to let go of all the emotional controls that keep me out of touch with others, and with myself.
I don’t have to travel to the underworld again to find that truth. “WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE?” became not only the question of that day, but now, also the question for my life, whenever I start to feel “disconnected”. I found my new capacity for spiritual vision, a vision which catapulted me into a totally new life experience. This should have been enough for almost any human being, but Spirit was not finished with me yet. More experiences were to come, with some actually challenging the truth of our civilization’s philosophical understandings and religions.
I had to continue to “lose my mind” to find my true self. Sometimes, this happens from moment to moment. Sometimes this happens in one cataclysmic, apocalyptic healing experience. And sometimes, both types of transformation are required for the realization of the potential of our healing spirit.
I still had memories of my former life, yet they no longer informed my day-to-day thoughts, my decisions, or my overall outlook on life and love. I did not know who the “new me” was. I had no language to describe it to myself, or to others. I had a series of spiritual upheavals which defied my rational mind, and I did not have the words to describe or contain the experience for many years to follow. It was as if a new person had landed in my consciousness, the “old me” had died, and now I was informed, moment to moment, by a powerful force of peace or silence, or Love itself.
Before 1987, there were “many people with their disfiguring concepts” roaming around in my mind, but now the “committee of many” had permanently adjourned, and there was only one peaceful presence, a new ordering principle for my consciousness. A friend from a men’s group who I met in 1992 claimed that I was a “walk-in”, a term used to describe when the old ego departs a body, to be replaced by a new being. The truth is that I was finally able to release my own imprisoned creative, peaceful, loving interior.
I have read about and heard from a few parents that their young children were so close to God, that when they first learned to talk, they would tell their parents about talking directly with God, or hearing God talk to them (or Jesus, or whatever their cultural background would predispose them to refer to). When I heard those stories, my bullshit detector would sound off loud and long. I did not have that experience as a youth, and, in fact, I was so far from that experience that I could not fathom the possibility of such a miracle. I was the boy who had horrible nightmares nightly from the very earliest of ages. I was cast out of our home at night when I was a baby, because I cried almost non-stop, the crying keeping my father from sleeping. I was wrapped in a warm blanket, and kept in the car in the garage, so there is the beginning of my sad, “Godless” life experience. There was nothing heavenly about my birth or early childhood, and, in fact, I was on the opposite end of the peace spectrum from those other lucky, divinely blessed children. Attachment theory advocates would have a field day with this aspect of my story, for sure!
This new being, this upgraded Bruce 2.0, which appeared in the summer of 1987, was like those miracle babies and children that I had always envied, and doubted. During most of the time after June 22nd of 1987, I spent over six hours a day in prayer and meditation, and probably as a result experienced blessed states on an almost continuous basis. I “heard and felt” God, and I was taught on the inner spiritual plane about aspects of life, and consciousness, that I had no way to learn or know about otherwise. This was not a “Christian” God, or a “Jewish” God, or the Buddha Mind, or “Christ Consciousness”, but those names certainly pointed to the new reality that I had somehow accessed, and been dramatically changed by.
Oh please wake up to Love’s voice, sweet somnambulater,
And realize the eternal truth that I within you is greater,
Than any self-made or historical image you may have created or learned,
Then your world will reflect the One for which you have long yearned
I experienced the real truth that was behind “the word of God”. It is the verbal bridge created between the sacred silence within each of us, to our conscious mind, and it sometimes extends through one human mind to another. It always offers a way to bring back to balance the chaos or uncertainty created in our minds, both collective and individually, through our journey through the world of perceptions. Perceptions, at their best, are only incomplete and inadequate measurements of the Infinite. Yet, perceptions based on the first person perspective, the “I AM” brings an immediacy to our experience coupled with a personal responsibility and accountability to all that is witnessed, and leaves the observer immensely empowered and imbued with freedom. All the other perceptions based on “YOU ARE”, or “HE/SHE IS” places the observer in a much more relative framework of understanding, being part of the divine dance with the unknown, and will require much communication with others to establish and maintain integrity of perceptions, and keeping life more in the present moment. Yet, if this verbal bridge from self to other can be established with love and integrity, and continuously updated as the situation dictates, both parties are immensely empowered, as well. So meditation is not only connecting with the sacred source within myself, it also includes connecting with the sacred source within all others, be they human, animal, or all other manifestations of Mother Earth.
My journey through the mystery of the Unknown continues in earnest!
And all of the mental measurements, and subsequent corrections by Spirit, will continue until the end of my journey.
I am at the forefront of my healing experience, directed by the healing potential, or sacred silence, within my own being, and within All Being.
To be in realization of truth, is to find God’s high mount is yet another illusion to climb,
Created by hateful, fearful, desirous minds stuck on the merry-go-round of time.
The unillumined, restless mind remains forever bereft of Love’s Rhyme and Truth’s reason,
And it only chases after mirages, until it sees that all of its movements are guilty of treason!
In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams. – Acts 2:17 (NIV) |
| When we are dreaming alone it is only a dream; when we are dreaming with others it is the beginning of a new reality. – Dom Helder Camara |
