After Dad had passed away, my sister Pam and I had to go through his house (last October) to prepare it for a remodel prior to a potential sale. While going through Dad’s desk, Pam found a birthday card that Dad had saved, which I had given to him well over 20 years ago.
Here are the contents of the card:
Dad,
I thought that I would share something with you, something from the past, from the year 1986. You already know many of the facts of my life, but here is an unknown one, which may surprise or interest you. In my journey towards what would appear to be self-destruction, I entered into a fearsome underworld experience in the summer and fall of 1986. I was on my own self-described “search for Truth”, while trying to decide if it was in my best interests to keep on living, or not, as I was still suicidal, and had been since January 28th of that year.
I ended up associating with the (seeming) dregs of society; the liars, cheats, thieves, armed robbers, murderers and hit men, motorcycle gang members, pimps, prostitutes, runaways, drug dealers, drug chemists and manufacturers, a wide variety of drug addicts, as well as undercover narcotics officers and federal agents. Hey, why not? I had failed miserably chasing our supposedly enlightened culture’s higher ideals, so it was time to take a walk down our society’s more darkened byways.
Many of my new associates had little regard for human life, their own or anyone else, so it was quite the challenge to move through this world without further erosion of the will to live, or of sanity itself. In fact, I did lose my sanity, while, ultimately, finding my own will to live in March of 1987, which was quite the paradox, indeed.
What protected me on my underworld experience, it seemed, was my own willingness to be open, honest, to share with others for the first time in my life, the highest sense of self, of who or what it was that I was in each moment, and standing firm in that new unfolding of “me”. I remember telling one of the undercover Federal agents that I told the truth to everybody that I now knew, to the absolute best of my ability, and that I was OK with letting the “chips fall where they may”. But, I acknowledged, there was one person that I had shorted, and that was YOU, Dad.
I always felt that I had failed you, Dad, by not parlaying my “high IQ” and great grades in school, and channeling your incredible work ethic, into a successful life, and career. I did not create a happy life, a life lived up to the standards and measures that I assumed that you had for me. It was difficult for me to “be myself” with you, because I felt threatened by what I thought would be your harsh judgement towards me for whatever I did that was not quite “up to snuff”, to use your terms.
So, my “coming into my own” has been facilitated by opening up to you, and fearlessly showing to you both my good, and my bad, sides, because for me to continue to live in hiding costs me dearly. To keep my hard-earned sanity and integrity, and a continued sense of well-being, I am here for you now, open, honest, and vulnerable.
Anyway, it is now a joy to share life and love with you, Dad! I have able to be more of myself around all people since I began recovery in March of 1987, and, you know what? It just plain feels great!
I appreciated your superhuman efforts as a workaholic father trying to raise two difficult children during difficult times. But what I appreciate the most, right now, is that we truly love each other, and express it more consciously. We have friendship with each, and a measure of improving communication that will extend all the way to the end of our times, I would hope and pray.
May we both “follow our bliss”.
Anyway, enough said.
Love,
Bruce
