Di Di Dream 1988: Overcoming Toxic Masculinity Through Self-Reflection

Di Di Dream 1988

In the tapestry of human existence, toxic masculinity has woven itself deeply into the fabric of our cultural norms, shaping not only individual behaviors but also societal structures. Its influence extends far beyond the overt displays of aggression and dominance—it permeates religion, politics, capitalism, and the very essence of how we perceive ourselves and others. This pervasive force contributes to the repression of human emotion, the feminine, and the sublime possibilities for existence. But what are the roots and ramifications of this phenomenon, and how can we begin to challenge and dismantle it?

Toxic masculinity refers to the cultural norms and expectations that define “manliness” in narrow and harmful ways. It emphasizes traits like dominance, emotional suppression, and aggression while devaluing attributes like empathy, vulnerability, and cooperation. These values underpin much of what I call the Common Knowledge Game (CKG)—the shared social understanding of self and others.

The CKG perpetuates unconscious, harsh, and inaccurate self-judgments, leading to poor self-esteem in boys from an early age. This is inculcated by fathers, religious institutions, and cultural norms that remain ignorant or fearful of emotions, including anger and grief. The consequences are manifold:

• Suppression of Feelings: Men are trained to ignore or hide their feelings, leading to unaddressed stress and emotional turmoil.
• Loss of Safety: Emotional and physical safety is compromised in homes, schools, and workplaces.
• Lack of Honest Communication: The inability to communicate honestly breeds feelings of not being heard or appreciated.
• Shallow Relationships: Eschewing deep relationships leads to isolation.
• Excessive Competitiveness: An obsession with “keeping up with the Joneses” fosters greed and a relentless pursuit of self-worth in disrespectful environments.
• People-Pleasing: Sacrificing personal integrity to please others results in inauthentic lives.
• Over Dependence on Entertainment: Immersion in superficial entertainment forms a barrier to meaningful social connections.
• Unhealthy Lifestyle Choices: Excessive eating, substance abuse, and lack of physical activity contribute to deteriorating health.
• Sex as Control: Using sex to manipulate or escape emotional reality forms another layer of dysfunction.
• Workaholism: Work becomes an escape, further disconnecting men from family and community.

Toxic masculinity breeds further toxicity in religion, politics, and capitalism. Each domain has incorporated these harmful values, resulting in:

Religious doctrines often reinforce patriarchal structures, emphasizing male authority and control. These frameworks discourage emotional expression and vulnerability, creating spiritual environments that can be more oppressive than liberating.

Political systems, driven by power and control, often reflect the competitive and aggressive traits of toxic masculinity. The result is an environment where empathy and cooperation are sidelined in favor of dominance and personal gain.

Capitalism, with its emphasis on profit and competition, thrives on the principles of toxic masculinity. The devaluation of emotional intelligence and communal well-being in favor of individual success creates a society where exploitation and inequality are rampant.

1. I am the center of the Universe. The rest of humanity is here either for my pleasure, for my profit, or for my disdain. I may attend a church occasionally, so that I can create the impression that I worship a higher power than myself. But, I already know that there is no higher power but me. HUMILITY IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME, and is only for the poor and weak among us.
2. Truly loving another human being is a sign of weakness, and thus I must continue to suppress all such impulses so that I can achieve my selfish goals. I will carry on a campaign of hatred, judgement, and condemnation of all people unlike myself, all the while claiming to represent their interests at the highest level of my being (with subtlety, if one is of the passive/aggressive nature) . The ignorant people populating my world will hopefully associate my hateful behavior with their understanding of what love is, thus damaging the hearts and souls of all who may fear, respect, and/or follow me. My schizophrenia will be confusing to others, but may still be normalized, as others that I have influenced model and support my behavior.::
3. People, and Mother Nature itself, are most valuable if they can be monetized. If I can’t make money from my relationship with people or our natural surroundings, then I don’t necessarily need them. They will have to prove that they belong in my life in some other selfish, self-serving ways. I choose to neglect the long term effects of my short sighted thinking, because now is the only moment to profit from others, and from the Earth.
4. Never admit that I am wrong. Always blame somebody else for my problems. The admission of guilt is a sign of weakness, and only for those who do not have sufficient monetary and legal power. I don’t need your forgiveness for my mistakes, because, as far as you should be concerned, I do not ever make mistakes.
5. I have a right to choose how much drugs and alcohol that I consume.  I do not need feedback from others telling me that I am abusing my medicine and/or alcohol.  I have earned the right to drink as much as I feel like, because I have so much stress in my life, and  I make so many sacrifices that I deserve an extra break and release through excessive alcohol and;/or drug consumption.  I do not have a problem, and if you think that I have a problem with my chemicals, then it is your misunderstanding, and not my own.
6. Never spend any time in self-reflection or meditation. Developing insight is difficult and time-consuming, and I have more important things to do  I am already perfect, I always have been perfect, and everybody else needs to change to accommodate my needs. If I am not “perfect” today, I always have someone, or something, else to blame.
7. I have a right to use my strong emotions to intimidate and threaten anybody that I need to in order to get my way.  My anger is a weapon, to be wielded whenever necessary, and its expression is my first selection from my arsenal of control tools in manipulating and controlling my world.
8. If I can’t get my way with another human being, then I will cajole or bully them into submission, or attack their name and character, and/or impugn their dignity, until they either submit, or are discredited by my allies.
9. Everybody unlike me  should be distrusted. Relationships built through mutual trust and collaboration can be threatening to my short-term goals, and should not be cultivated, as only alliances of hate and distrust are capable of bringing me to my goals.
10. The women in our lives are more suited to be our personal possessions than self-sufficient, independent people, and are not to be treated as equals, and are better suited for exploitation for family support, sexual purposes and/or economic gain.
11. If I can’t get my way through truth-telling, then the telling of lies becomes my most potent weapon. If I am caught in a lie, then it is only your misunderstanding of my point, and not what I said, that is wrong. If I tell the same lie often enough, then people will start to accept the lie as the truth.
12. If there is no conflict currently in progress, then I must start creating the conditions for the next one, and socially position myself so that I can maximize emotional profits and visibility for myself.
13. I never will obtain enough money, power, sex, or attention to keep me happy. I must continue to pursue these needs to extremes in order to keep me from becoming depressed and losing my sense of personal value in this world. If I achieve my goals, and I am still unhappy, I must set new goals to attempt to fill that big hole in my heart and soul.
14. The powers of my penis reigns supreme. When it is erect, it always points me in the right direction, regardless of the people who may be hurt by my wayward sexual desires. My self-esteem is dependent on how many women that I can convince to make love to me, and nobody is immune from my advances. One is too many, and a thousand is not enough, when it comes to sexual conquests.
15. I am the king of my home. I have created my kingdom to serve my selfish needs. If my rules are not honored, and my intentions for the family do not hold up, and family members start to stray, I will coerce, cajole, or threaten all wayward members with violence, if necessary. The family must stay together under my control, no matter what the cost to others might be.
16. Perfectionism and full control of others should not be mutually exclusive propositions. I will judge, criticize, and condemn others, and myself, as needed, to bring all of my world into alignment with how I think that it should be. I will compare and contrast my wealth and success with others to establish the best baseline for my expectations and behavior. My wife and my children are first and foremost my possessions. I will direct and control as necessary, and nobody else has any right to criticize my choices in how I provide and care for them.  My whole sense of self-esteem is derived by how deeply they honor and obey me, without argument or back talk. I do not want or need alternate points of view, as my view is the only view that is relevant.
17. If those closest to me engage in betrayal, and destroy my sacred relationship with my family, I must avenge myself, and destroy all who have threatened my life and values. My wife is my property, and my property alone.  If she should ever have an affair with another man, I reserve the right to punish her and my family, up to, and including, murdering them. If I must die in the process, it is a good death for me.
18. Self sabotage is my unconscious need, as I fail to achieve my goals.  It is my right to destroy my creations even as I destroy myself, so murder-suicide is an acceptable option in the extreme, when my needs have been dishonored, and I feel that I have no more options to achieve my goals, and improve my life situation.
19. I have been a failure since I never measured up to my father’s, my church’s, or my society’s standards. I will continue to self-sabotage my success at ever bend in life’s road, and I will see life as a self-fulfilling prophesy of incompleteness and loss. I will not even question that my life has other possibilities for it, and I will resign myself to my depressing fate.
20. I reserve the right to murder anybody, when it suits my needs to protect myself. I will justify my possession and use of firearms through quoting the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, as well as pointing to the fear and threats in our world, and our country as my own justification for stockpiling weapons. I will not listen to reason, as my mind is made up, and you can have my weapons after “prying them from my cold, dead hands” (thanks NRA, and the late mega-asshole Charlton Heston).

To challenge toxic masculinity, we must recognize and address its principles and values, both individually and collectively. Here are some steps to begin this transformation:

1. Acknowledge and Understand:

• Recognize how toxic masculinity manifests in your own life and the lives of those around you.
• Educate yourself on its impact and origins.

2. Promote Emotional Intelligence:

• Encourage the expression of emotions in healthy ways.
• Create safe spaces for vulnerability and honesty.

3. Foster Deep Relationships:

• Invest time in building meaningful connections.
• Prioritize empathy and understanding over competition and dominance.

4. Challenge Societal Norms:

• Question and resist cultural practices that reinforce toxic masculinity.
• Advocate for inclusive and equitable policies in religion, politics, and business.

5. Model Positive Behavior:

• Demonstrate healthy masculinity through actions and words.
• Support others in their journey towards emotional and spiritual growth.

The insidious nature of toxic masculinity has far-reaching impacts on both individual well-being and societal health. By understanding its roots and manifestations, we can begin to dismantle its hold on our lives and create a culture that values emotional intelligence, inclusivity, and the full spectrum of human experience.

The path to this transformation is not easy, but it is necessary. It requires introspection, courage, and a collective effort to redefine what it means to be a man in today’s world. By challenging toxic masculinity, we open the door to a more compassionate, equitable, and fulfilling existence for all.

If you are ready to take the first step towards this change, join us in the ongoing dialogue and action. Together, we can build a society that honors the true essence of humanity.