I never chose this uneven life path of recovery from trauma, life chose it for me. I choose how to deal with the sights along the way, however.
The amygdala in our brains under duress from trauma creates new paths, leading in unhealthy directions, when these issues that arise through trauma are not promptly dealt with honestly and openly. For me, my number one intention for facilitating healing of myself is to avoid situations or people where poor communication and suppression of human emotions has become ‘normalized’. There are guaranteed negative outcomes associated with those interactions which have resulted in secondary damage and the potential for profound anxiety attacks.
I began to experience the “BIG THREE” of depression, anxiety, and the occasional panic attack, in the latter part of 2017, beginning about two weeks after the death of my father, and three weeks after the death of my friend Marty.
I grapple with (and sometimes continue to contemplate):
1). the care for, and eventual death of my father, and the difficulties in the management of his estate,
2). the challenges in supporting the protracted dying process, and the eventual death of my good friend Marty in the week prior to my fathers’ death
3). dealing with the insanity of the wife of my deceased friend, and her ongoing spiritual dementia,
4). a crippling foot problem characterized by the highest possible pain intensity,
5). cancelling a lifetime “friendship” with a high school best friend who had become physically, spiritually, and emotionally unavailable through the past 40 years,
6). becoming alienated last year from an alcoholic/bipolar nephew, and his family which we had been spending much time with, and not being able to talk to them about the issues, after a vicious divorce cycle,
7). an ongoing issue of dealing with and managing the health and safety of my elderly aunt (dad’s sister) who is disabled, and abandoned by the rest of her family, including her own daughter, and
8) TREASON (Trump Related Extreme Anxiety Striking Our Nation)
I now have intimate knowledge of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, and I now consider myself a personal expert in these matters, albeit a reluctant one. It is inappropriate to keep these issues “secret”, as I tend to be as sick as the secrets that I attempt to keep. Remaining unconscious and victimized by these conditions is not a helpful option for me now, or anytime.
The following have been found to be helpful for me:
1). Seeking “professional help” from therapists or physicians/surgeons as required,
2). exercise (such as yoga, with emphasis on proper breathing techniques),
3). immersion in Nature (walks through parks, forests, deserts, etc. as available),
4). meditation (listening to relaxing music is useful, if the mind will not quiet on its own),
5). getting plenty of rest/sleep (not automatic or easy when in anxious states. Use of melatonin and non-caffeinated relaxation tea prior to bed is helpful),
6). honest and open communication with friends and family (hanging around people with positive, loving attitudes and behaviors is important),
7). insight (and taking my inventory, to use the parlance of 12 step groups),
8). prayer (focused intention/thought energy for personal and collective change, for those so inclined),
9). service to others who are less fortunate, and
10). medication (if necessary) can be helpful. Ibuprofen is effective for anxiety, as well as (in the short term) some “heavier hitters” such as Ativan and Xanax, or anti-depressants (FYI, I can’t stand Xanax).
11). avoiding obvious anxiety producing behaviors, like excess coffee consumption, eating sugar or high carbohydrate mix foods excessively, or over booking my day-to-day life,
12). continue to allow feelings to naturally arise, with no judgement.
13). continue without shame and guilt any unfinished emotional business, such as grieving for the loss of loved ones.
14). watch a few good comedies, or go see a good comedian (lighten up!)
15). Go to live music performances, and enjoy the presence of powerful positive group energy.
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a name given to one powerful variation of related symptoms, and therapy and techniques developed for its healing may be appropriate, as well (a form of acupressure called the “tapping” technique is quite helpful).
Writing into a personal journal or blog can be helpful. Posting to Facebook, with the hope or expectation that somebody who cares might read a posting and give meaningful feedback, is unrealistic, and can potentially be dangerous, depending on the state of mind of the writer at the time of posting. It is best to have friends and connections who respond directly, preferably in person, where our humanity shines the brightest and has the most healing potential. Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, or whatever other media vehicle that one may employ for communication in isolation just cannot get the job done, PERIOD. Just passing time without helping myself would never have allowed for sufficient healing either.
It really is distressing to experience the fear of losing my mind and sanity, the light-headed spacy-ness, extra fear around health issues, and the all around sense of discomfort and disease of being in a disturbed state of mind, and being. It comes to me in cycles now, with about two to three weeks of reprieve, followed by two or three troubling days. This coming from a man who knew perfect peace and harmony for most of the last 30 years of my life.
As I move toward healing, compassion towards myself and others is one of the intended outcomes. The absence of this only perpetuates the anxiety cycle.
For those who still suffer, please save yourself.
