Chapter 11: The Divine Feminine And All The Healing Things We Can Know

Life was never an easy journey for me, and had it not been for some deep need to understand my dysfunctional process, and try to find the underlying truth amidst my ongoing personal chaos prior to 1987, I would have passed away long ago. Some wounds are so deep, and primal, that just pasting new names onto aspects of the disease and creating new narratives just are not enough. There are issues and wounds resulting from trauma and suffering buried deep in our tissues, and without an extraordinary willingness to explore family and personal history, the wounds will perpetually inform our life experience in an unconscious manner, and the feeling of powerlessness will prevail. Thus, susceptibility to diseases, accidents, and poor relationships with the world become guiding energies. Alas, also long term relationships with the spiritual, medical and psychiatric professions becomes inevitable for the few brave ones that eventually seek help.

In the recovery movement, there is an expression “name it and claim it”. Naming is the way that our consciousness weighs and measures new forms of life, ideas and experiences, in the attempt to insert the unknown and the mysterious into a present context for understanding. Naming tends to attach a dynamic process to a fixed point in time and space, and thus lodges it in the past, as is all of our memories.. That is good as far as it goes, if the recognition of a problem results in directly addressing it, and facilitating one’s own healing from it. Yet, the problem is rarely what we first envision it to be, often residing in more hidden domains within the mind and/or the bodily tissues.

Names remain only another way to compartmentalize our experience without directly addressing it, and remains only a convenience for communication and becomes yet another part of our individual and collective consciousness. . Naming remains the primary game and intention of consciousness itself that shoots at both fixed and moving targets, and even in its failure to hit the mark it still tries to convince us of its accuracy..

The finger pointing at the moon is never the moon.–Zen parable.

The act of creating stories and context, and just being conversational about our lives does not dislodge the detritus from our field of awareness. The Devil is in the details, figuratively speaking, and if our need is for change, we need to find a way to see under the vast matrix of information that only floats on the surface of a disquieted mind . We must explore and experience the deeper movements through consciousness, and find the way to the silence at the foundation of our being.

There are two forms of silence, one is formed of repression and hiding, and the other exists only at the healing of that very repression and hiding. If the silence remains informed by repression, denial and fear, then the process of naming and creating stories are just more knowledge and entertainment for a wounded mind, and will not pry open the healing doors to insight and wisdom. Insight derived through mining the natural silence of a peaceful mind will bring a new life experience, and, in some measure, actual miracles to the healed life.

Once I had asked God for one or two extra inches in height, but instead, he made me as tall as the sky, so high that I could not measure myself.”

—Malala Yousafzaia

The intellectual and the atheist, though possessing finely tuned minds, can never explore the mystery, and the depth, of the human soul, and comprehend that we all have a connection with Infinity. The willing explorer of the new paths of consciousness and the mystic both have access to the limitless territory of the Spirit, and will soar to new heights and see the sights rarely seen by the rest of mankind. But, a life tethered to the past through unhealed trauma and wounding will never get off of the ground, and will eventually succumb to disease, despair, and disillusionment.

In November of 2016, for our book club selection of the month, I selected the book named “All The Things We Never Knew”, by 5 time Emmy award winning journalist and local media personality Sheila Hamilton. I invited her to our home to discuss this compelling work about mental illness and her husband David, and his eventual suicide. After hearing and reading Sheila’s story, I saw some remarkable emotional and physical similarities between David’s life and my own. I felt compelled to write about our shared dark reality, yet I was not a writer. Thus the struggle began, with this work being the outgrowth of a continuous wrestling match with my creative angels..

In the previous chapter I extensively developed a narrative around my father’s life, and it helped me to better understand what the image of “father” really meant to me. I was to learn of the incredible dysfunction within my own father’s house when he was a child. A lot of my own distress was gifted to me unconsciously by my own father, who passed down to me what his abusive father had brought to him. And, my grandfather had probably experienced a similar abuse at the hands of his own heavy drinking father, so on and on it goes. My father was a good man, but he certainly was traumatized and tormented by his “brute” of a father, as he would refer to him when talking to me about him. His behavior was to subsequently traumatize others. I was also traumatized and tormented, living a life in alignment with this tragic family tradition throughout much of my life. Being a crying baby, and being wrapped in blankets and placed in a car at night in the garage so that my father could get enough sleep to work two jobs could be the starting point for a discussion about traumatic childhood experiences. I have no intention to make this chapter the story about specific acts of physical and emotional abuse, though advocates of attachment theory would find my story fertile ground for application of their narratives.

My experience of my own mother will help to develop my historical experience around the thought and the image of “mother”.I have always loved my mother, Corinne Beatrice Henry Paullin. And, I always took her for granted. She was like the air I breathed, I rarely saw her for who she was, yet I would not have survived without her. She was a quiet person, though one of the finest, most loving and reliable persons in my life. I rarely doubted her love or caring for me, or for our family. She showed a quiet love to all of her family members and friends. She loved her younger brother, Wayne, as much or more than any other sister. She was treasured by her own grandparents, who were relatively prosperous, as well as by her parents, who were lower in income. Mom’s grandpa was the first really old guy that I had ever met. Mom and dad loved each other, though they had their issues through the years. My mother was severely overshadowed by my father’s exuberance and outrageous nature, though she did not seem to mind most of the time.

Mom, as a teenager, is the “prisoner” in the center of photo

She worked at many jobs over the course of her working career. She started at the original Fred Meyer store in downtown Portland. She worked at National Insurance, General Tool, Grandma’s Cookies, The Oak Lodge Fire Department, and Murphy Logging, and a couple of other companies that I do not remember. As a result of the necessity of her work, my sister Pam and I were farmed out to several different baby sitters from Monday through Friday, until either she or my father could pick us up after their work day ended. I loved two of the sittters, but abhorred the last one, where abuse sometimes came my way as a five year old.

My mother at Oak Lodge Fire Department station

Mom working at the original Fred Meyer store in downtown Portland, around 1946

Mom, though far from perfect, usually defined for me what God’s love must look like, the unconditional love that a mother has for her newborn child, which was the love mom had for me. Mom offered formula, as she did not breast feed my baby self, She would telli me stories, healing my childhood wounds by kissing them and applying bandages to them, holding me after my nightly horrible nightmares, and sometimes protecting me from over exuberant punishment from my father when it was liberally meted out. I have one defining memory about my mother’s and my father’s understanding and application of punishment.: I am in the corner of a room with dad holding one of my arms while whipping me with a belt. I am getting beat really good, and I cry out to mother to stop dad, and protect me. She stands in the corner, crying, and powerless to say or do anything to stop “that brute”.

She always had her wisdom and knowledge of life, which she freely shared with me my entire life. I did not always follow her advice, at my own peril, because she was usually right about most things that were important enough for her to talk to me about. Mom was always mom to me, from birth until the day she died. I honor her for that and I always respected and loved her presence in my life, though I was often neglectful and expressed that love unskillfully..My documentation of my mother’s story shows the limited aspects of my communication style, with my own version of toxic masculinity directing me to not pay more conscious attention to her as a human being. Thus, I fashioned few narratives around her, perhaps because of her hesitance to share the “non-Mom” parts of herself with me. Her favorite comeback to me when I started to dig a little too deep into her life, was the famous question:

“Did you hear about the great sale at Macy’s?”

She would stop talking, and I would then know to shut up, and move on to other discussions, or share in her silence.

I took her for granted for all of my childhood, and into adulthood until the age of 31 for me. She always wanted the best for me, she tried to be a motivator, she tried to help me right my ship whenever it listed too severely and I will forever be grateful to her. We did not talk much over the years, especially about herself and her pre marriage life, even though we spent so much time together, especially from the year 1995 on, when Sharon and I moved into my parent’s neighborhood. Beginning with Mom and Dad’s fiftieth wedding anniversary in 2000, and extending through Mom’s death in 2009, Sharon, Pam, Aunt Susie, and I shared in most of the vacations that were taken, due to the need to be more present for our aging parents.

A New Birth, A New Possibility For Being.

I created situations that brought disturbances to the family, and often times severe punishment came my way all throughout my childhood. I needed attention, and wanted love, and yet, as a young lad, I had no clue how to ask for it. It is quite the dilemma in consciousness: being provided for completely, and being told, and knowing that I am loved, and yet feeling abandoned, unworthy, anxious, and unloved. It was a crazy making, schizophrenia producing experience. I always knew my mother loved me, yet I experienced a chronic insecurity around love.

What is a baby to do?
What is a developing human to do?
What are the paths of consciousness that may lead to healing?

Potential answers to these questions were pointed out to me through the grace of a spiritual experience of May 24, 1987, and beyond. Somehow, an intense desire to bring healing and balance to myself manifested itself in an amazing vision, and a peace and love that I had never known in my life. I finally found the neighborhood within my mind and heart where I could start to find some answers.

The Divine Experiment Within Me, May 24, 1987

I have lived two complete lives within one biological life span. Much of the first life is still available to me, through family narratives and history, and through my own very good memory. This life was lived from the period of my gestation, in February of 1955 through May 24, 1987. I had little appreciation for human babies during this period of time, having transformed some of the parental neglect towards me as a baby into indifference towards the babies of innocent strangers and other family members. Life number two is my ongoing experience since then, with the perspective that I presently have owing its existence and evolution to the revelations of that date and the intervening time period until now. And, babies, both in diapers and in the clothing of adulthood, no longer receive my indifference, but instead a curiosity and a sense of appreciation for their existence..

Beginning on May 24th, and extending through July 21st, 1987, I had a series of three spiritual “events” which, to this day, guide and direct the consciousness presently unfolding within me. On May 24, 1987. I had a deeply personal, spiritual event.. To not share it would be an act of hiding on my part.. Sometimes, the Conspiracy of Silence manifests itself by keeping quiet about the activities of miracles and healing, and my unwillingness to share my voice and my experience with others.

I had resumed attendance at Hinson Baptist Church, upon my reentry into sobriety in March of 1987. In my earnestness to follow the right path through this religion, I accepted a baptism, scheduled for May 28, 1987. On the weekend prior to my baptism, I received my first ever conscious “visitation of the spirit”. It manifested in my experience, for lack of a better description, as having the feeling of being held in the loving arms of an infinite motherly presence, and I felt like I was being reborn as a person as a result. When I described my experience to the Minister, he requested that I attend a training to get my “beliefs” more in alignment with the structure that the American Baptist church accepts.

Really?

The minister misunderstood my experience, as it represented a direct connection with the God of my spiritual understanding, and not his or his religion’s. During this period of time, I also needed to get tested for AIDS, since I had relations with women who had sex with bi-sexual men as well as my own infrequent intravenous drug activity, all during my darker days. I was looking for some support during this time, as the threat of a death by AIDS was quite real to many of us in those days. I found that there was NO SUPPORT TO BE FOUND, at the Baptist Church, where all people with the potential for having AIDS were regarded as outcasts from GOD, and undeserving of support or respect from the good Christian folks. This helped to cement my understanding that our religious institutions exist to support something other than just our “spiritual natures”, and their ignorance of such things causes the injection of some really unhealthy outlooks on life and love into the collective mindsets of their parishioners.

The last straw for me was when the lead minister claimed that of all of God’s creatures, only man has a soul, and that all of earth’s creatures have no basic spiritual essence, I was aghast. A religion that makes such a claim for man by uplifting its own standing in God’s universe by reducing the spiritual standing of his animal brothers and sisters is Ptolemaic, self-centered and egotistical to the absolute extreme, and another supporting reason as to why our earth is under such attack right now.

As an individual searching for the “Truth Of Being” I thought it was best to steer clear of organized religion, where truth is not so much a sacred value, but instead more a medium for ignorance and a marketable commodity that also is used to help keep people philosophically controlled, and united in one particular way of looking at life. Historically, religion in general remains the primary avenue for the proliferation of ignorance among the people who don’t have the insight or take the time to think for themselves. I was educated by a new teacher, a recovering alcoholic by the name of Jack Boland, who had released to the world many series of tapes on recovery and spirituality. I was given one of his tape series of recovery by a co-worker at the Fred Meyer warehouse, John Johnson, of whom I will be eternally grateful to, on May18, 1987. I then listened to these tapes over and over, during the Memorial Day weekend, and something miraculous happened afterwards, probably as a result of my openness to the experience brought about by listening to these tapes, and practicing some simple steps.

On May 24, I drove towards Beaverton to visit with Randy Olson. Randy was a lifelong friend, fellow party monster, and rent sharing partner in 1986 when I contemplated, and then took the active steps towards committing suicide on January 28, 1986 and beyond. As I drove over the West Hills, a wonderful vision came to me, accompanied by a feeling that I had not had before. It was the vision of a loving mother (actually, the Mona Lisa), holding a baby, and I felt the love of this wonderful UNIVERSE for the first time in my lifetime (later, I was taught to understand that this energy is the Divine Feminine, of which our patriarchal world continues to suppress daily, and has successfully done so, more or less, for at least the last 2000 years). This vision underlay, or intermixed, with my normal field of awareness for several days. The wonderful feelings that accompanied that vision became known to me as divine horripilations.

Mysterious Image of a divine Mother’s love?

There is the love we have for each other, for our friends, our pets, our children, our families, but this love that I felt flow into me, and through me, transported me into a heightened awareness, and awe. The beauty was too great to talk about, the feeling so overwhelming, so healing, so resurrecting.

The image of the Mona Lisa holding a baby is a fascinating, enlightening image. It was reported some time back that Leonardo DaVinci had painted the Mona Lisa as a self-portrait of himself, in feminine form. His message is subject to interpretation, but in today’s terms, he may have been honoring his feminine side, or nature. Perhaps he saw that the source of all creativity came from this mysterious, non-conditioned center within himself where feelings of wonder, awe, mystery, and sensitivity to and compassion for others arises from. His mission was to symbolically represent the divine within himself, through the most effective medium of the day, which was painting.

My own long ignored “divine” consciousness chose this as a healing image for myself, and I also saw how this feminine side carried all of the divine love and deep feelings of goodness that I had ever wanted for myself. I was literally re-birthing myself, and this image of the mother holding the baby pictorially represented that new birth to perfection. It is a powerful experience, and the contact elicited many tears, and eventually a miraculous healing bringing peace, love, and joy. These manifestations of the new spirit replaced the old painful understandings. It was not just replacing one image for another, it also pointed to a deeper understanding and reality where awareness is no longer experienced through the lens of the wounded ego, or personality, but instead through a clear window to peaceful knowing.

Jesus, in his teachings of 2000 years ago, repeatedly referred to God as “the Father within”. That characterization does little for many of us, who instead see a more balanced understanding of the divine intention. It is no wonder that the Christian faith became so highly patriarchal, and even to this day there is an imbalance within the spiritual world as a direct result of these errors in understanding. To bring healing to me, “God” supplanted the “father within”, be it vestiges of my own father’s wayward teachings, or even Jesus’s, and healed the imbalance with a sense of unconditional motherly love. And, for several days while the vision lasted, I was that love!

My “spirit of balance, spirit of wholeness” had provided for me a template for how to bring healing to my traumatized and wounded baby self. I first had to accept or “walk into” the image of a divine mother. Then, working as and through that image, I had to bring unconditional love to each iteration or image of my young self that I could remember, even including photographs of myself before I was conscious and verbal. And, finally, I had to love the “baby” withing each human being that I met, or already knew, so that my spirit could reinterpret my mistaken understandings of who we really are.

A most difficult truth to embrace and to apply is that my own self-esteem is either accentuated, or lessened, every time I create an image of somebody else. The concepts of “me” and “you” arise together, and are forever married until the miracle of uncoupling occurs.. So, it is imperative that I don’t continue to create out of a wounded sense of self, or all of my new iterations of myself and others will continue to reflect that dark nature, and my self-esteem will suffer accordingly. Watch out for the images, or concepts, of mother and father that exist in our minds, for they have been created in the image and likeness of ourselves, no matter how mature, or immature, that we were when each new facet of that continuous engineering project occurred.. Forgiveness is the Christian label for this process, and it is easy to see why the forgiver is the one who truly gets the greatest benefit from letting go of painfully derived images of others.

In August of 1987, I met Marie Schmidt, a practitioner of Joel Goldsmith’s The Infinite Way, which is a movement involved with mysticism and spiritual healing.. She was a woman about 87 years old, who taught every Sunday at the old YWCA on 10th Avenue in downtown Portland. I had seen a simple advertisement for her tape group, while attending the International New Thought Alliance conference in Portland in August of 1987. The tape group was a combination meditation group, and a forum for listening to the taped teachings of Joel Goldsmith, a spiritual healer and mystic who first began his healing practice shortly after the Great Depression began. She had been holding weekly meditations and tape recorded playbacks of Joel’s actual messages since 1962. Marie would sit in the front of the room, and lead a 15 minute meditation, followed by the playing of a cassette tape of one hour length. She had a collection of at least 300 tapes, of which I eventually copied virtually all of them, and committed them to memory as best that I could. Marie had over 1000 hours of his recorded messages, which she ended up giving to me, and which I converted to digital format.. Some of the tapes were the old style reel-to-reel, and I was not able to convert those tapes to the more modern digital format.

I was captured by this group, which had mostly older people who attended. I believe that I was the youngest person there, for the period from 1987-1991, while I remain involved with her group. Initially, I kept my distance from most of the people, not really being sure what the whole business was about. I eventually drew Joan Madsen and Marcus Jones into the group, who I knew from the International New Thought Alliance convention of 1987, as well as Alcoholics Anonymous, and the Living Enrichment Center.

One day in February of 1989, after I had just broken off an engagement to be married to Laurie H, and I was devastated. The sweet old woman, Marie, offered me a “healing session”. Well, I had my doubts, and nothing to lose, and I was a little curious about this “healing business”. I went up to her apartment, still devastated, and meditated with her for 15 minutes. At the end, Marie spoke the “message” that she heard from Spirit, in regards to me. “

“More perfect than you are, you could never be”, with
“All that is human, is illusion”.

Well, OK, but how can I possibly apply that spiritual salve?

As I thanked her for her time, I then noticed I was totally at peace, and I was healed of all of my emotional disturbances around the ending of my engagement to Laurie. It was as if the winds of Spirit had blown away everything from my mind, except peace and joy.

I later tried to have her heal my profoundly mentally sick ex-wife, Donelle, with no success. So there were limits to her ability, though she always stated that God heals, not herself . I can almost now hear Marie’s voice, telling me, in regards to all of us:

“More Perfect than you are, you could never be.”

How that manifests in all of our lives remains an unraveled mystery, to be experienced by us each day that we have the privilege to wake up. She would tell me that we are all blessed by each other’s continued walk through life. Love goes before us, to make all of “the crooked places straight”. We are Loved, and, in fact are Love Itself. The body goes where it must, but also, so does our Hearts. Go in Peace and Love, and always be willing to bring healing to any situation, for that is our mission, and who we are always to be.

In 1994, Marie was placed in the St. Andrews home near Mt. Tabor, when her nephew noted her deteriorating health, and he was concerned about her decline. Marie continued to practice healing with the other patients, even while under care of the attending professionals. My last visit to her, prior to her death, was characterized by her still restating to Sharon and me of our perfection in the eyes of God.

“More Perfect than you are, you could never be.”

At lunch with Marie, Sharon, and I, around 1990

Believe in yourself.
Believe in your potential.
Be in your UNIQUE PRESENCE

As I look at my life’s history, I continue to be healed by the Divine Feminine’s Loving Mystery.

With all of the words that I have put to paper about this period of time, it might appear that I was totally conscious about what was going on, and the direction that I was headed during. Nothing could be further from the truth. All that I knew was that after I made conscious contact with the God of my (mis)understanding, my old life just disappeared. I was no longer tormented by my social insecurities, or my feeling of disconnection from God, my fellow-man, or from the plants and animals that grace this beautiful planet that we share. I had let go of the controls of my old ego state of mind, and a new order started revealing itself, from moment to moment. At times I felt like a guided missile, never knowing the destination, but trusting whatever it was that had launched my new life into existence.

I had a normal human experience for many years to follow, as I established myself in a new career, and married Sharon White, the best woman I ever could know. I also joined many communities of like-minded people, such as the Infinite Way, The Living Enrichment Center (LEC), and a very important men’s group experience that arose through my relationship with LEC, and The Empowerment Community and its many offshoot core groups. Finally, I became active in the great outdoors again through hiking and backpacking, I learned tennis, and I also ended up excelling in road and trail racing as a runner, albeit an older runner (in the master’s division), competing individually and also appearing on several championship or near-championship level Masters’ teams in both the Hood To Coast and Rainier To Pacific races. I was able have a “redo” of my life, and experience success and failure based on my own decisions, and actually glean wisdom from my interactions with life, rather than hate myself and/or others for its sometimes difficult teachings. And, yes, the new life was quite fertile ground for learning.

Sharon is younger at age 75 than when she was 40.

The lessons of love learned while with my wife Sharon could encompass an entire book of its own.. On July 4, 1989 I met Sharon, and her daughter Hayley while attending a Course In Miracles discussion group in the basement of the Unity Church in southeast Portland. Right off the bat I was struck by what a genuine human being that she was, appearing real, honest, deep, and personal. Her daughter exhibited some unusual behavior, and I could tell that Sharon was dealing with troubling mental health issues with family members.

Sharon (at age 42) and Hayley, 1989

Sharon’s first unofficial date with me was at the Brass Horse Pub, after another Course in Miracles meeting. At the end of the evening she spontaneously presented to me a calligraphed quote from Teihard deChardin:

“We are one, after all you and I. Together we suffer together exist, together, forever, recreating each other.”

The key to a successful life is not to perpetually recreate the drama, trauma, tears, and suffering of an unhealed life, which remains a blessing to no one. Instead let us create the joy, peace, and the fulfillment of living a more spiritually attuned life. This was to become the new ethos of my evolutionary experience with my holy partner, Sharon.

I eventually joined in relationship with Sharon, after being reintroduced to her at a Living Enrichment Center gathering around the Twelve Steps of Recovery, a several week presentation by Mary Boggs, the minister of LEC. We both scheduled our attendance at a Course In Miracles weekend retreat that LEC was sponsoring over the weekend of August 4, 1989. When the retreat was cancelled, I offered to Sharon that we create a retreat of our own. I chose Cultus Lake, a mountain lake in Central Oregon, which my family had camped at several times when I was a young person. We proceeded to hit it off so good together that weekend, that we knew we were right for each for now, and for a long, long time to come.

Come September, though, I could see that I was becoming quite involved in Sharon’s life, and if I did not travel to Boston soon, and research a powerful dream that I had, I would have no opportunity to do so in the future. The dream sang to me through ” an Angelic Choir” the words “Boston Massachusetts”, and informed me that the state of consciousness that I shared with my lifelong friend Randy Olson had come to an end. So I arranged a week trip to Boston, not knowing what in the heck I was going to find there. I knew that the Mother Church of the Church Of Christian Science was located there. Joel Goldsmith’s teachings had some of their origins from Mary Baker Eddy’s teachings, so maybe I was supposed to go there to see or hear something Ms. Eddy related. I did go by the church, and sat in on a few sessions. I was asked by one of the ministers what I was doing there, just visiting, or did I have a desire to learn more about Christian Science? I told her that I was a student of Joel Goldsmith, and that I had also read some of Mary’s works. She immediately escorted me to Mary’s private study, which nobody had access to, save a special few individuals. She told me that I probably would like to sit and pray and meditate there, and for me to take as much time as I like. So, that is what I did. I found my sense of the sacred and profound, and felt blessed by this exposure to the Church, and to Mary Baker Eddy’s private study. I will never know for sure if this is what the dream wanted for me to do, but that is what I did. I wanted to make sure to honor the energy, and its revelations, as best as I could.

I moved in permanently with Sharon later that year, and her daughter Hayley lived with us until July of 1990, when she struck out on her own, to find her own truth and healing. I was having some difficulty communicating with Hayley. Sharon and her daughter had some unique mutual control dynamics that were not healthy or satisfying to witness, or to participate with. Sharon ended up signing up for a class from Diana Martha Clark, who was teaching a twelve step recovery course on co-dependency, which Sharon ended up benefiting greatly from. Hayley had a lot of growing up to do, and I became disturbed by her need for chaos, need to hold her mother as an emotional hostage, and her lack of respect for my need for peace and honest, loving expression in communication. She could be particularly harsh, angry, and insensitive, and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells with her.

One weekend in July of 1990, I went to my grandma Henry’s home to stay while she was out-of-town. I spent literally the whole weekend in prayer and meditation around my troubles with Hayley. Then a most unusual thing happened. I “heard” that my issues around Hayley had been resolved, and that she was not to be an issue any further. I went back to our apartment that Sunday evening, and upon my re-entry, I was informed that Hayley had decided to move out, and live with Martha Cannon, a former patient of Sharon’s. Remarkably, the only problems that arose with my early relationship with Sharon, other than daughter related, revolved around Sharon assuming that I knew what her needs were before she expressed them to me, but that misunderstanding quickly worked itself out.

As I look at my history, I see the workings of the Divine Feminine Mystery.

Sharon and I shared a common passion of finding and expressing the joy and truth in life, and we meditated and prayed together for many hundreds of hours together, especially early on in our relationship. The fruitage of one of our shared meditations is the following “poem”. I had a particularly deep, profound connection during a meditation around 1990, where I had once again entered into Truth’s domain. There was no apparent message, that is, until I returned to my conscious mind. The silence then used the words in my memory to create the following message. The first stanza I wrote in 1985, prior to any real spiritual unfolding, and I could never finish it until this meditation in 1990 filled in the body of it:

THE VOICE OF AWAKENING

Though the slowly shifting sands of time,

Create ever taller hills for this lost soul to climb,

It must be in my selfish, hateful world of no reason or rhyme,

I must begin the search for Truth, to find the Love that is sublime.

“Oh seeker of Truth, God’s high mount you would climb,

Though you now stumble through the valley’s shifting sands of time.

Stop confusing your mind with worn out rhyme and reason,

For they are forever charged by Truth with treason!”

“Oh mental marathoner , only on Life’s treadmill you now stand,

Just re-using the same words and thoughts keeps you life’s ‘also ran’

You’ll forever chase in vain Love’s all-knowing voice,

So be still, for with your run’s end, is the Cause to rejoice!”

“Oh marionette’s dancing image of the screen of the world’s mind,

With all of those conditioned beliefs in control, what freedom could you find?

Release yourself from all of those memories’ materialistic strings

To prepare for the inner Wisdom that only my Intelligence brings!”

“Oh shadow boxer of evil, when will you ever tire?

Tis only champion of a dream world to which you aspire!

Cease giving energy to your illusions with those mental pugilist blows,

And reveal the peaceful mind of the One who now knows!”

“So please wake up to Love’s voice sweet somnambulator,

And realize the eternal truth that “I” within “you” is greater,

Than any mental image you could ever form or learn,

And then your World will reflect the One for whom you now yearn!”

And then the real “punch line” to the search for Truth:

“To be in realization of Truth, is to find God’s high mount another illusion to climb,

Created by fearful, desirous minds caught on the merry-go-round of time”

The dark, restless mind remains forever bereft of Love’s Rhyme and Truth’s Reason,

And only chases after mirages, until it sees all of its movements are guilty of treason.

In the summer of 1993, I had scheduled a 5-day retreat with spiritual leader Eileen Bowden and 20 other followers of the Infinite Way, a mystical healing path originated by Joel Goldsmith (died in 1964). The retreat took place in Federal Way, Washington, at the Pacific Palisades retreat center overlooking the Puget Sound. I spent the four days in silent contemplation and meditation, with several group talks given by Eileen over the course of the time period.

Eileen Bowden, who lived in British Columbia, Canada, was a student of Joel Goldsmith, the originator of the Infinite Way. Joel was a non-practicing Jew, and was led into Christian Science in the 20’s, while his father was on his death-bed. Joel watched a Christian Science practitioner heal his father, and Joel caught fire with the possibilities for bringing spiritual healing to all of life (life that is receptive to healing, that is) because of this. She was hand-picked by Joel to continue teaching the Infinite Way, as she “had the message”, meaning that she had achieved, or attained, the “Presence”. She would enter into the sacred energy, and then give her unprepared talks (she spoke extemporaneously for at least 1 hour for each talk given). Our role as “listeners” was to be in a sacred, meditative space, as well, so as to contribute to the total energy of the experience. The result for me from this experience was that I was totally “involved” in the sacred energy of the Spirit, with the total quietness/stillness of my mind complemented by perfect peace, and joy. I carried this energy for a full week after the experience. Some call this experience samadhi, bliss, enlightenment, heaven, or whatever points to that state beyond the normal human, verbally intoxicated state.

Awakening Part 4

(written in 1992-1993 time period)

Perfection lies, behind all eyes,

We, who would look within ourselves, will find,

The Sublime Surprise, of which all Life does comprise,

The Divine Self of all Mankind.

We, who have made our choice, with one free voice,

Call to our Eternal Source Supreme,

We will no longer roam, we are coming Home,

We are awakening from the “human” dream!

With courage draught, from fear made naught,

We move from temporal shadow to Eternal Light,

The Kingdom sought becomes the Vision caught,

Whosoever overcomes, now sees with unhindered sight!

The Love All-Knowing, the Truth now showing,

With Divinity, We walk hand in hand.

In us its growing, through us its flowing,

Embracing all between space and land.

With Hearts entwined, One Soul Divine,

To this world, We are a blessing immense.

Though we pass this way for but a day,

With Divine experience, who would dare dispense?

The experience was somewhat perplexing to Sharon, as she wondered why I was having this profound experience, and why it continued on for so long. She had many questions, but the perfect peace that I was experiencing was not ebbing, at least initially. I had to return to work, as I worked for a living as an electrician. At work, the energy continued to flow in its own unique way, but well into the work week I started to question the value of “enlightenment” when I still had to continue to work. My co-workers were so out of touch with these things that I considered important, special, or sacred, and I could not quite get a handle on how this spiritual experience would have any value in the workplace. I dared not speak about it, or show any type of behavior that would distinguish me from anybody else, and the dominating attitude for me was to “just blend in” as best I could.

I had already cut way back on meditation with the beginning of my running career in 1993, and when the spiritual “energy” finally ebbed, I despaired a bit, and I felt a little awkward pursuing any deeper connection. I needed a powerful ego to support my intentions to make a successful career, and I knew that I needed a healthy sense of self esteem, beyond just having my “secret connection”. I had started questioning that commitment to the connection, and to the value of a process that I was uncertain as to how to integrate into the rest of my life. I needed an empowered self, a self that could promote and defend itself from the often times threatening world of toxic male dominated construction trades. Like my parents before me, I subsequently wrapped my spirit baby in a blanket, and placing it into a garage. I could continue to work my two jobs, which were creating and maintaining my ego, while continuing in a light sleep.. But my love for my partner, Sharon, and for all of our shared friendships and family did not ebb, but continued to increase and enhance the quality of my life.

July 30, 1994, Sharon and I had a “commitment ceremony” in our backyard. We had over 75 people attend, including most of our immediate family, and many, many friends. I had solidified in my own mind and heart the absolute value of my relationship with Sharon. She came to represent to me integrity, honesty in communication, speaking from the heart, empowered divine feminine energy, compassion, service to others, and the celebration of our shared humanity at the highest level, of any person that I have ever met, even up to this very day. I have made many mistakes in my life, but I celebrate every moment of every day my relationship with Sharon. She is truly made in the image of the highest power in our universe.

That is what our divine Mother would want us to experience.

LOVE’S REUNION

I stumbled over the frozen wilderness for oh, so long!

With a hole in my heart that life could just not fill

Until I stopped to rest, and heard a gentle voice singing a long forgotten song

That promised of my release from this winter world of painful chill

Her lyrics spoke of the return of Life to freedom

And the release of shivering minds from darkness’ frozen, fearful hands

She drew me closer without any further verbal tethers

And prepared me for the walk back to Love’s now awakening lands

Her warming presence melted the icy hardness that I used to know

Inspiring within me the courage, to myself and my world, to say

That, to memory’s barren trees of lifeless knowledge, I now refuse to go

I will now accept only the lessons learned along Love’s Infinite Way

Yes, she met me while I was with the dark companion

But it was to her pleasure to take me home to share her loving lights

And give me the shelter of Love’s never setting summer sun

She changed my cold mourning into happier, heavenly nights!

By freely offering of herself and all of her sacred charms

She moves me through life’s clamorous valleys unto its silent peaks

I can now retire from a life of fruitless wanderings

To live in the Source of Peace of which mankind forever seeks

Her life is resplendent with Wisdom, Strength, and Beauty

For these are the robes with which she clothes her being

The gift of Love now unwraps before my inviting eyes

To reveal her ecstatic vision, which is now all-seeing

My search for Truth and Love Sublime has finally ended

For, I now fill my empty cup from her joyous running streams

I have reunited with my eternally fulfilling lover

And, her healing waters dissolve all of my painful dreams

I only seek to remain within her all-embracing arms

While through all life she extends her ever unfolding surprise

My first waking breath each morning brings the certainty

That, from my bed, joined as one, we again shall arise

My broken heart and shattered life is finally mending

And, wedded to her life, I now call her my faithful bride

Life no longer has a fearful road ahead to travel

For, One with God, on Love’s lighted path, I now gratefully stride

Chapter 11: The Divine Feminine And All The Healing Things We Can Know

Published by Bruce on May 23, 2021May 23, 2021

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Chapter 11: The Divine Feminine And All The Healing Things We Can Know

Published by Bruce on May 23, 2021May 23, 2021

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Like this:

Related

Bruce

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Healing Into A More Balanced Life-Living Life On The Widest Frequencies

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