Psychedelics, Healing Potential, and Religious/Spiritual Experience
I debated whether to place this chapter in the “Damaged” section, or the “Healing and Recovery” section of this book. It all depends on the state of mind, and intentions, of the person using the chemicals whether such an experience is to be considered “drug abuse” or part of a “healing modality”. I never saw the use of LSD or psychedelics as dangerous or self-destructive, but instead as a delightful and eye-opening vacation from all of the dark certainties and crystallized structures of thought that characterized my troubled life.
In the last two years, there has been several articles posted in Psychology Today, and in other scientific, spiritual and healing newsletters, about the possibility of some forms of psychedelics being useful in the treatment of depression and other mood disorders, as well as being an incredible aid to dying patients who may be facing the fear of death. I won’t necessarily be directly addressing those articles here, but modern research may be confirming what has already been witnessed by many users of these mind altering substances over the last fifty years. Psychedelics, and their use, could take a whole volume, if I were to describe and define all of my experiences with them over the period 1972-1980. I used LSD and mescaline during my high school years over twenty times, from early 1972 through the summer of 1973. In college, I did not use them hardly at all, nor did I use them much after that, perhaps using them once or twice a year until 1980, when I ceased using them altogether.
Timothy Leary’s Dead, by the Moody Blues
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EXCIWlm1fs
Psychedelia comes under a different class of psychotropic experience than alcohol, pot, amphetamines, narcotics, or downers. They were referred to as “mind expanding drugs” during the period of time when they were most popular, which began in the 1960’s and extending through the 1970’s period of time. I found psychedelics to be extremely challenging to use, yet they brought into my awareness some amazing and logic-defying experiences. I would even say that I even had exotic, supra-normal type of personal events, on several occasions.
My first time that I used LSD, I was a sophomore in high school. I had no desire to ever use the drug, as I was afraid of the potential effects on me. But, Pam’s friend, Terry Potter, gave me a small pill that had been saturated with LSD liquid to give to Pam. Pam, at this point of her life had no desire for the drug, so she gave it back to me and told me to return it to Terry. Well, I kept it, and then decided to try an ever so small amount of it, in case I had a dangerous reaction to it. I grabbed a razor blade, and scraped about one-fourth off of the pill, and ingested it, and then took a bus to downtown Portland, to hang out at the city library. Well, an amazing feeling overtook me about one hour later. I became euphoric, and I had never felt so good in my life! I felt peace, and love for everybody and everything, and being only fifteen years old and having never experienced such an energy before, I thought that I had found the “promised land”. There were no visual or auditory hallucinations, because the dose was so low, and that was just fine with me. It took longer than usual to sleep that night, as my mind remained on “high alert” well into the early morning hours. There was no hangover, nor did I regret taking the risk using the drug.
Another time, while still a sophomore in high school, I attended a concert at Washington Park, where a man sold me something called DMT, which he called the businessman’s LSD, because its effects only lasted 2-3 hours, versus the 10-13 hours LSD’s effects may cause. This drug is similar to the drug Ecstasy as it is now being sold in the US. I became euphoric on this drug, and I had a fascinating experience. Every person that I would encounter for the next two hours, I felt an incredible kinship with. I also felt as if I could understand them at some level way beyond my normal capacity. It was as if I was able to feel all of their good thoughts, so to speak. So, it was an experience of the elimination of fear for me when dealing with strangers, and giving me the sense of being connected with everybody at a level impossible to achieve while in normal states. A more sedate and sane variation of this experience was to come to me more “naturally” fifteen years later, after recovery from drug addiction and alcoholism.
While a senior in high school I had another LSD experience worth commenting upon. Marc Anderson, Mike Kelsey and myself had taken LSD together. Mike had already dropped out of high school, and had his own “rat castle” so we enjoyed LSD’s effects at Mike’s place, out of public view. One amazing effect was that somehow Marc and I became entrained, so that we would “see” the same hallucinations at the same time. Yes, I was taking the drug in high enough doses that hallucinations were now quite prominent. One of the biggest prolonged laughs that we all had together was when Mike turned into the Devil himself, with red horns, a tail, and a red face. Of course, Mike could not see it, but Marc and I saw him transform Exactly at the same time, and we could not stop laughing for ten minutes!!
One final experience that seems to have significance is one time I had secured a variation of LSD called Orange Sunshine, while attending a summer concert at Delta Park in north Portland. The pill itself was a small phosphorescent orange color, and boy did it pack a wallop! Any kind of visual image or scene had the likelihood of changing into almost anything else, seemingly spontaneously. When I say that the “walls were melting” at times, if I was in a room, the walls did melt with the most wonderful blending of color and sounds together. My psychological set was eliminated as well (meaning all of my personality was no longer accessible, so I was witnessing and experiencing the moment without my normal ways of experiencing reality through my conditioning). It was incredible, disorienting, wild, and transformative while under LSD’s influence. I was to have a drug induced “awakening” where I realized that I was the one controlling my very reality, and through the focus of my will and my heart I could change what I was witnessing in the world. This took on rather bizarre manifestations, with colors swirling through new images, sometimes appearing as if some sort of internal kaleidoscope were projecting images out into my visual field, ALL UNDER MY CONTROL.
When I saw how I could also experience people in a thousand different ways, depending on the position of my internal “kaleidoscope”, I came to realize that I had a lot more say in how I experienced my fellow-man than I ever realized. I can understand why Richard Alpert (Ram Dass), Timothy Leary and so many other pioneers in the modern-day exploration of human consciousness have used LSD. LSD, under the right conditions, can reveal the awesome powers, and potential, of the unconditioned human mind. It can be temporarily transformational, and potentially quite beautiful, and dangerous, as well.
Late in 1977, when my first wife Donelle was in the middle of another relapse into schizophrenic disease, Sean, Donelle, and I undertook a road trip through much of Oregon in my 1962 Buick Skylark. We traveled through much of the Oregon Coast, into Crater Lake, where we illegally camped along the lake rim, and Eastern Oregon around the Bend area. Sean and I had our normal complement of pot and alcohol, as well as a couple of doses of powerful psychedelics, and Donelle had her mental illness, and all of the sometimes bizarre manifestations of it. Sean had known my wife almost since the beginning of my relationship with her, and he was always a kind, supportive presence for her. But, Donelle’s symptoms were hard to understand, and we were both quite helpless and felt out of control in the face of her disease of the mind. Our own disease of addictions was somehow more easily mutually understood and accepted, and we could both maintain some measure of relative emotional order, even in the face of our own insanity.
One evening, we all sat around the campfire, and Donelle continued her sometimes bizarre behavior. She was hearing some sort of collection of voices, and she would talk to herself, and sometimes confuse what we were talking about with what was going on in the secrecy of her own mind. Sean and I would cast uncomfortable facial expressions to each other, and try to engage in conversation with each other solely, especially in the moments when Donelle became overly detached and unresponsive. In a moment of insight, I spoke of my helplessness in the face of managing Donelle’s disease and treatment, and the futility of all of my attempts at understanding her mental illness.
I remembered that I had a form of LSD with me, which was not only a powerful mind expanding drug, but it was also known for occasionally creating a variety of temporary negative psychological reactions including acute paranoia, which is a form of mental illness. It was then that I wanted to take the drug, and see if it would provide any insights into Donelle’s mindset, as well as how I might manage my relationship with her mental illness. Sean thought that I should give up on that thought, and stick to the pot and alcohol. But I insisted, and I took the psychedelic. I did not receive the desired illumination, but it showed that my deepest desire was to be of help to Donelle, as well as to try to understand the nature of mental illness, and how to bring a measure of healing to a most difficult life situation.
I found that the older that I got, the less of a positive experience that I had with psychedelics so I stopped all use. In 1980, I used LSD for the last time, sharing the experience with Dan Dietz. I had trouble “coming down” from the experience, and it took two days to return to my normal “psychological set”. That second day, I feared that I would never return to normal, and that I would be stuck for the rest of my life in this in-between state of anxiety and mental illness. I was never tempted to use LSD again.
While there is a huge potential upside to the use of psychedelics, there can also be downside to their use, and the person contemplating mind altering drugs should research this subject, as if for an upper graduate degree. There are Ayahuasca excursions into the Amazon jungle, where the local shamans administer a concoction to the participants seeking a deeper understanding of their own life, and their spirit connection with the absolute.. There are terminal ill patients therapeutically using psychedelics, which has been shown to reduce or eliminate “death terrors” for such patients, while also providing profound guidance for those terminally ill persons. Those seeking such experiences can find appropriate therapists who have access to these drugs and are willing to administer them to the appropriate patient, but they obviously don’t advertise these capabilities on their web sites.
I do not regret ever having used a psychedelic drug. If there was a logical reason for using them again, I would consider that as a viable option. Ram Dass has many great stories around his use of psychedelics, and it is not my intention to become a cheerleader for those who continue to use them, or to become a proponent for the human experimentation of these mind altering substances, and their potential application for improving mental health and spiritual awareness.
Psychedelics worked for me, but only for a short period of time. For now, I am quite satisfied with my connection to the “higher power” that I have developed through the practice of meditation and mindfulness, exercise, healthy food, and social connections. The positive aspects of mind expansion without drugs occurred for me much later in adulthood, and I had similar sorts of mind altering experiences, in much more natural, permanent, and less disruptive ways.
