It is my 69th birthday today. Rather than write some new stuff that few, if any, would read anyway, I thought that I would highlight a few birthday posts from my past.
This is one of my most unusual posts, ever.
68th Birthday
I have been blessed with yet another birthday, and, of course, I have something on my mind!
I have been blessed with yet another breath, a breath that is not labored, nor weighted down with life’s traumas and troubles.
I have been blessed by my soul mate, Sharon White who reminds me daily of the precious Gift Of The Spirit that she truly is, and has been for 34 years for me.
I am grateful that Sharon’s son Brad Graves has made dramatic life changes, and now appears again to his mother as the special, empowered, loving man that we always knew him to be.
I am grateful for three grandsons, Mitch, Tony, and Jasper. I am grateful that Jasper has found a measure of sobriety, and is no longer suicidal.
I am grateful that our nephew David Gabbard did not lose his life in a fire that destroyed his home, and killed his two step sons, in a devastating tragedy last month.
I am grateful for my 30 year friendship with June Thomas. Sharon has been her great friend for over 45 years. I miss her birthday calls, where she sang happy birthday to me, every year until health issues silenced that part of her two years ago. Please take care of yourselves, readers, and encourage optimal brain health for your self. If you lose it, you lose more than you will ever realize.
I am blessed by Sassy the Cat, a 12 tear old cat who lays by my side in a recliner chair. Sassy is my 94 year old Aunt Susie’s, who had to be placed in a memory care center last year. Aunt Susie will be joining with us for Thanksgiving supper.
I am grateful for our two deceased canine companions, Iris and Ginger, who will remain treasured memories until the day I die.
I am blessed by my sacred morning cup of coffee, whose beans were flown in from Kauai.
I am blessed by our wonderful, cozy house, which has protected and brought a sense of home to us for nearly 30 years. I am now blessed by our new therapeutic hot tub, which I installed just prior to foot surgery. It makes immobility almost tolerable! While I hang out in the hot tub, my foot hangs out of the hot tub.
I am blessed by the memories of my parents Beryl Donald Paullin, and Corinne Beatrice Henry Paullin,, who brought me into this world, and were always there for me, even when I could not be present for myself
I am blessed by the 68 year old relationship that I have with my sister Pamela Kay Paullin, who spoke for me until I was 4 years old, as I chose, or life chose for me, the unwillingness or incapacity to talk until then. I am blessed that she will join with us for Thanksgiving.
I am blessed by the life of my first wife, Donelle Mae Flick Paullin, a woman who taught me so much about the ravages of childhood sexual abuse and family trauma, and who died on my birthday, November 20, 2022.
I am blessed by the life of Sean Tucker, a high school and post high school best friend who left my life in 1978. Because of our 50- year class reunion I was able to make healing strides with my understanding of our relationship.
I am blessed by my lifelong friendship with Randy Olson, who died in 2013. He introduced me to my first wife, Donelle, in 1972. and saved my life a couple of times in the 1980’s. Irreplaceable!
I am blessed by all the friends and acquaintances, alive or passed away, who made enough room in their lives and hearts, to include me in their life story, even if it were for just a little while.
I am blessed by all strangers who overcame their fear.insecurity, resistance, and preliminary judgments of my body or my often awkward presentation of self, to engage me in spontaneous conversation.
I am blessed that I found my voice once again in 2016, after having lost it due to the traumas and oppression that life sometimes clouds our minds and hearts with.
I am grateful to my wife Sharon, our deceased friend Marty Crouch, and Sheila Hamilton, who all provided the inspiration and encouragement for me to find my voice, which has resulted in numerous writings, books, and extensive healing dialogs with others.
I am blessed by the seven years that I devoted to my father in his time of greatest need, when my mother tragically passed away in 2009.
I am blessed by the memories of my grandparents (on my mother’s side), Kenneth Wayne Henry, and Beatrice Simpkins Henry, who provided unconditional love and support for me the entirety of my life until their passings.
I am blessed by my two wonderful deceased uncles, Wayne K Henry, and John Edward Paullin, who provided the highest level of loving, family support and presence,
I am blessed by my body’s incredible capacity for healing, having brought health back to me after several destabilizing illnesses, strokes, cancers, and injuries.
I am grateful that I learned how to love, and appreciate, my unique life experience, even in the face of challenges, and sometimes the rejection, from those I loved and respected.
I am grateful for the infinite capacity of my awakening heart, which has opened many doors to higher consciousness, healing from trauma, and reintegration back into our Sacred Mother Earth and the Universe. Until I opened up to my healing potential, I was cursed by the symptoms and effects of traumatic wounding. I had buried my heart at wounded me, but with healing intentions, I was able to resurrect my Spirit from the dead.
I am blessed by my relationship with every living thing, animal, plant, even rock and mountain, who shares this Sacred planet Earth with me.
I am grateful for the opportunity to finally be here, now, and open the gifts that Grandfather Great Spirit bestows upon me daily.
I am grateful for today.
I am grateful for “You”, in all the infinite forms that “You” may appear to me in.
I am grateful that I have made You always welcome at my home, and in my heart, and when I forget that, i am grateful for the lessons that lead me back home, with love, forgiveness, and compassion, to “You” again.
I am grateful that we are One.
I am grateful.
“We are One, after all,
You and I
Together, we suffer
Together exist
Together
Forever
We recreate each other”—-Teilhard deChardin
66th Birthday
Birthday message from a new Social Security recipient
As life inevitably changes, we must address those changes, let go of what is no longer important, and grieve the losses of those people and situations who no longer remember us, or resonate with our hearts as we are presently revealing ourselves. We must also acknowledge and celebrate all who found their place both beside us and with each other.
I grieve the loss of my parents and beloved grandparents. I grieve the lose of my Uncle Ed Paullin. I grieve the loss of friendships with Victor Thomas, Bob Rooter, and Marty Crouch, who all died of brain cancer. I grieve the losses of my childhood best friends to death, Randy Olson and Dan Dietz, the severe dementia of brilliant and creative friend Craig Salter, and the spiritual loss of best friend Sean Tucker, who became committed to fundamentalist ideology. I grieve the loss of my 1990’s best friends Gary N and Michael H, when we had to end our friendship due to dissimilar moral, ethical and spiritual convictions and standards. I grieve the recent loss of another long term friendship with June T, who is now succumbing to the initial to intermediary stages of cognitive decline. She did not call me this birthday for the first time in 28 years.. I grieve the losses of my aunt Susie Paullin Trompeter and my uncle Wayne Henry, both now on hospice care, and who are the last pillars of the old guard of my family. I grieve the lack of connections that I was not allowed to develop with my wife’s children Hayley and Brad Graves and his wife Dawn, perhaps because they found me irrelevant or unavailable to contribute to their life’s needs. I grieve the recent losses of beloved animal companions Patches, Ginger, Rocky, and our Spirit Dog Iris.
I am grateful for each new moment, and the miracle it may bring to all of us. It will not bring old friends and diseased friends and family members back, but it may reveal new friends and companions, long ignored or unintentionally neglected family members, and new growth experiences for our eternal evolutionary path.
” Prove me now sayeth the Lord Of Hosts” ( yes, from the Bible)
And proving the presence of Spirit is how my life is presently lived.
I am grateful to my wife Sharon White for cousins Lisa Paullin-Anzaldua , Carla Henry Gregersen , Bjorn Gregersen , Kodiak, Tobin, and my sister Pam. I am grateful to finally get to know, as an adult, our grandson Mitch Graves , I am grateful to long term friends Jim Hussey and his wife Jo. I am also grateful for the very few people who take the time to stop by my blog and/or Facebook posts, to remind me that I have a little value, in spite of or because of what I may have written Healing from the scars that our society, and my father, inadvertently or intentiobally left upon me that told me that my voice was worthless is what has kept me alive the last 34 years.
I am grateful for my love for all, whether they reciprocate it or not, or consider me family, friend, obscure acquaintances, or foe.
I am blessed beyond all measure by each other, by our plant and animal kingdom, and by our unique internal creator and our own individual creations that affirm and support the innate, infinite value of all of God’s creatures..
I am grateful that I, the least of these, also qualified for that divine blessing.
I am grateful
65th Birthday
Grandma Henry’s porch with sister.Pam on left 1956.
Mom had to take a cab to the hospital on the day of my birth November 20, 1955. My father was working at the Main Post Office (he worked two jobs, the other was for the newspaper), and was not present for my birth. At least he was there at my conception, and many other important times afterwards!. And, I was there for the living, and the dying process for him.
I was asked on my birthday in 2017 what my most “memorable” birthday was, and here, to the best of my recollection, is an account of the near death experience..
Dan Dietz (left), Tom, Pam’s boyfriend from the US Forest Service
I was 21 years old, and my best friend at that time, Dan Dietz (RIP), and John Durkin, went with me to the Faucet Tavern. I was already a “seasoned drunk” by the time I had arrived at the age of 21, but being able to “legally” enter taverns and bars seemed like a big deal at the time (I had been getting into bars since I was 16 years old, usually accompanied by Dan). The southwest Portland Faucet tavern seemed like a great place to visit, as it was famous for its turtle races, and its all-around “party hardy” atmosphere.
Dan and I bought a bottle of booze, and we kept it in the trunk of his car, to “sip” from, in between beers at the tavern. I started out my birthday evening by playing several games of pool, gambling $5 a game with some “locals”. At that time of my life, I was a very good pool player, and I removed a few bucks from some very unhappy patrons. One unhappy patron followed me out to Dan’s car, where I was grabbing a swig off of a whisky bottle. He let me know that he did not like me having so much fun at his expense, and tried to fight with me. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but somehow the fight got “postponed”.
I walked back into the tavern, and enjoyed a couple more beers with Dan and John, and played some more pool. I was quite the “happy drunk”, though my behavior did not make the outraged individual I had already taken $20 from feel any better about me. The next time I walked out to Dan’s car, that unhappy man grabbed two of his friends, and they all tried to “teach me a lesson”. Dan looked out from the tavern door at his car, and saw that I was in trouble, and secured the bar manager. But it was too late, one guy pulled a knife, and the fight was on. There were a few lunges at me with the knife, and a couple of punches thrown (none quite hit me). There was a lot of loud voices, and some yelling and screaming.
The manager called the police, but at that same moment, the guy with the knife took a final stab at me. According to the reports from Dan, I spun kicked the knife out of his hand (which was an act of pure, unadulterated luck on my part), and then I threatened to take his head off with the next kick. The sirens of the police cars about to arrive there scared the three attackers away, and it also scared Dan and John, who quickly threw me into the car, and we drove off up Beaverton Hillsdale Highway towards Wilson High School.
I got angry with Dan for not coming out to help me with the attackers, and he told me that calling the police was the best that he could do. He then not so politely, invited me to walk home from close to Wilson HIgh, to Milwaukie, about 7 miles or so. I was fortunate to make it home in one piece, and not be arrested for being drunk in public, or for drunken walking. I visited Dan the next day, and apologized to him. He was in really bad shape, and he was still pretty hung over. And he was the designated driver!
Sadly, Dan and I ceased being best friends in 1981, after he assaulted my wife of that time, Donelle, while she was drunk and insane. Dan died of a heart attack around 1997, not even making it to 45 years of age. Many of my other drinking and drugging buddies have also died young, through suicide or disease, or are presently disabled due to the excesses of their young adulthood. I met John Durkin several times over my construction career, as he was a safety contractor, eventually forming Sanderson Safety. The last time that I saw John was right after Dan’s death, when we contemplated together whether to attend his funeral. I did not, but John did.
I “heard” Dan Dietz’s laughter (hey, hey, hey!) the day after his death, and I almost drove off of the freeway, on I-205 on my way home from work at Blue Heron Paper Mill, where both John Durkin and I were subcontractors, or working for subcontractors, for the paper mill.
I became “sober” in 1987, after my own suicide attempts led me into an epic underworld journey. It is the stuff of movies, and of nightmares, and has been documented elsewhere.
I am still “21 years old”, but with 44 years of extra experience! The last 33 years have been pretty sober, however, with a couple of minor slips. The world rests a little easier because of my sobriety, I am sure! I know that I rest easier.
Life can be some kind of fun, huh? What a long, strange, miraculous, healing and redemptive trip it has been.
The second and third photographs are from my first wedding, which was 22 months after this 21st birthday near-death experience.. Fortunately for those who survived our bacchanalian young adulthood, there are no selfies, or cell-phone photographs to be persecuted with in our “older age”.
My Spiritual Birth, 1987
I have created a rare, though not unique life experience for myself. There are many of us who have wished that we could start over in life, and have a “redo”. As it is impossible to return to the womb, and to be born again, except in one’s imagination and visualizations, no people have the opportunity to physically and emotionally start again at their first birth. Having failed, at least in a spiritual sense of accomplishing this herculean task, some even plan for a new life after their own death, in a sort of post death heaven.
A do-over does not require a new physical birth, a physical death, or even a reincarnation, to reveal a new possibility for our life. In a spiritual sense, this inner experience is what I have stumbled upon in my wanderings through this mysterious life.
There are many people of a religious nature who speak about being “born again” in Christ, whatever that might mean to them, and to the community of people who support such a possibility. I cannot claim to have had that kind of experience, as I am a four-time dropout from the American Christian faith, and I will not be returning to that style of understanding again.
The search for God can be likened to searching for sunbeams with a flashlight. I have placed the dimmed flashlight of American Christianity permanently back into the drawer, as it tends to obscure the light of truth with its arcane philosophy, dogma, and mythology, and present day politically inspired malfeasance. I will not be using Christian terms to define or describe my experience, except where unavoidable.
Yet, I was given a new life.
Beginning on May 24th, and extending through July 21st, 1987, I had a series of three spiritual “events” which, to this day, guide and direct the consciousness presently unfolding within me. On May 24, 1987. I had a deeply personal, spiritual event..
I had been educated by a new teacher, a recovering alcoholic by the name of Jack Boland, who had released to the world many series of tapes on recovery and spirituality. I was given one of his tape series of recovery by a co-worker at the Fred Meyer warehouse, John Johnson, of whom I will be eternally grateful to, on May18, 1987. I then listened to these tapes over and over, during the Memorial Day weekend, and something miraculous happened afterwards, probably as a result of my openness to the experience brought about by listening to these tapes, and practicing some simple steps.
On May 24, I drove towards Beaverton to visit with Randy Olson. Randy was a lifelong friend, fellow party monster, and rent sharing partner in 1986 when I contemplated, and then took the active steps towards committing suicide on January 28, 1986 and beyond. As I drove over the West Hills, a wonderful vision came to me, accompanied by a feeling that I had not had since I was twelve years old. It was the vision of a loving mother (actually, the Mona Lisa), holding a baby, and I felt the love of this wonderful UNIVERSE for the first time in my lifetime (later, I was taught to understand that this energy is the Divine Feminine, of which our patriarchal world continues to suppress daily, and has successfully done so, more or less, for at least the last 2000 years). The wonderful feelings that accompanied that vision became known to me as divine horripilations.
Mysterious Image of divine Mother’s love.
There is the love we have for each other, for our friends, our pets, our children, our families, but this love that I felt flow into me, and through me, transported me into a heightened awareness, and awe. The beauty was too great to talk about, the feeling so overwhelming, so healing, so resurrecting.
The image of the Mona Lisa holding a baby is a fascinating, enlightening image. It was reported some time back that Leonardo DaVinci had painted the Mona Lisa as a self-portrait of himself, in feminine form. His message is subject to interpretation, but in today’s terms, he was honoring his feminine side, or nature. He saw that the source of all creativity came from this mysterious, non-conscious center within himself where feelings of wonder, awe, mystery, and sensitivity to and compassion for others arises from. His mission was to symbolically represent the divine within himself, through the most effective medium of the day, which was painting. My own consciousness chose this as a healing image for myself, and I also saw how this feminine side carried all of the divine love and deep feelings of goodness that I had ever wanted for myself. I was literally re-birthing myself in a spiritual sense, and this vision of the mother holding the baby pictorially represented that new birth to perfection.
November 20, 2022–Donelle Mae Flick Paullin.
My first love, and first wife, died on the day of my birthday, November 20, 2022.. I just confirmed it this evening after our return from the beach,
Donelle’s senior yearbook photograph
