Approaching Trauma Consciously-Living Life On A Wider Frequency Of Being

Approaching Trauma Consciously-Living Life On A Wider Frequency Of Being

“It is no measure of good health to be well adapted to a sick society.”-—Jiddhu Krishnamurti

Our civilized world has been built upon the backs of an unconscious, overachieving, traumatized humanity. Do we remain in the conspiracy of silence and inaction, or do we confront our resistance to the truth and become part of a collaborative healing adventure?

.In the 1980s, during America’s campaign to reduce the proliferation of drug addiction, Nancy Reagan made the famous statement:

“JUST SAY NO!”

The understanding at the time was that addiction was a personal choice, and by reversing the “yes” that was being said to drug use to a “no,” the problem would just disappear. In the absolute, that is quite true. Our real problem as a human race is that we have had our desire to just say NO to perceived negative situations or behavior get overrun by a lack of alternatives to choose from, peer pressure, family and religious training, and our failure to develop or maintain the ability to set healthy boundaries for our self.

• Why does not our civilization say NO to the proliferation of traumatic events and the wounding of the innocent?
• Does society and religion monopolize the viewpoint on this matter?
• What about our family’s role and the values we are taught?
• Is the human race addicted to the idea that being less than loving to each other is acceptable behavior?
• Has that horrific misunderstanding become our collective “God”?

The “Golden Rule”  states:

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, or “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

These spiritual requirements do not bring great hope or direction to vast segments of the human population.  Belonging to the Christian, Buddhist, or Muslim faith is no guarantee that the adherent will understand love’s need to release emotional control over others, and the needs for self-care, peace of mind, and adherence to collaborative and compassionate principles.

As the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu had said:

“We are made for goodness. We are greatness in the making”.

• What happened to our goodness?
• Why is our greatness not to be found right now?
• Why do so many continue to bring harm to themself, to other human beings, to animals, and to Mother Earth?

The history of humanity indicates that, collectively, it is acceptable to pass unfair judgments against ourselves and each other, approve of the distribution of weapons of war to countries and to individuals, promote the inequitable distribution of resources and wealth with a now monetized Mother Earth’s resources, cultivate excesses and greed as aspects of positive capitalism, incite division, violence, murder, and war, continue injustice and inequity, defend racism and white supremacy, promote religious and philosophical persecution, and create and continue the conditions for addiction, and suicide. This self-destructive behavior continues, seemingly unabated. And there are large groups of humanity who would rather watch their world burn than collaborate with it to bring a measure of healing to all.

Why is it acceptable to harm the innocent creatures of our world? Why do we promote needless suffering in feedlots and kill stations, with the traumatizing of cows, pigs, chickens, and even ocean fish, to meet humanity’s need for protein? Our whole meat industry is based upon the idea that other sentient beings must die so that the human race can eat and continue its overpopulation of the planet. And, as humanity inexorably expands its presence, natural habitats are destroyed. Many thousands of species are either threatened with extinction or are gone forever, having been traumatized and murdered by the mostly indifferent human horde. It is no mystery to me as to why it remains acceptable to traumatize each other, as the human race continues its “dog eat dog” capitalistic consciousness, where we think that we deserve to thrive, often at the expense of others with lesser physical ability, or intellectual, educational, economic, religious, and/or racial standing.

Traumatic wounding has been institutionalized and normalized within our world since ancient times and is a significant source of intergenerational trauma. The world continues to create and spread its self-serving narrative, thus enforcing a code supporting a collective conspiracy of silence and denial around all of our responsibility towards the ills of ourselves, each other, and the damage wrought upon Mother Earth. The Minotaur of trauma and its effects roams free within the collective labyrinth of the human mind, and we all will continue to suffer accordingly until enough spiritual heroes find their clues for defeating the dark beast and escaping the maze of the confused and damaged mind.

Throughout my development as a growing person, like most others in our world, I was trained to use my mind while continuing to be guided by all of our so-called authorities. Knowing that these authorities, who become, in effect, our Gods, and the knowledge that they supposedly represent, are the road signs that direct and guide us on the path of life, it is crucial to know who is trying to control us, how they are doing it, and what is their intention, lest we will blindly drive off of the road and crash. As psychologists, philosophers, and theologians have found, the Gods created by our wayward understanding of ourselves and life seem immortal and impervious to change, even by the best human reasoning skills.

Our flight or fight mechanism is how all higher intelligence animals respond to threats within the environment. It operates at a nearly instinctual level for many animals. However, the human response can be made more malleable, depending on the situation, our value system, and cultural conditioning. What separates many animals from humans is that humans react not only to whatever situation presents itself but also to their embedded memories, so we respond in a twofold manner to any threat. We tend to think before we react, and our thinking draws from hints from our biological hardware, historical behavior patterns, genetics, and training.

In combination with humanity’s neural-linguistic capacity, society has provided mental software subroutines, or apps, that enable us to process and act upon information to keep us safe, and to act in efficient and, mostly, culturally acceptable manners. The problem is that many of these subroutines work below the conscious level and are fundamentally defective, having become habits of thought, with many perceptions being created from a dead and/or wounded past. Free will may only be a illusory concept until the self is wholly conscious, healed, and whole.

These subroutines become sacred cows, or golden idols, that are not only erroneous representations of truth but also extraordinarily resistant to change. Add to this the influences from ancestral archetypes and other unconscious influences, and we can see that we may not be the true masters of our destiny. We remain trapped within a limited radius around the whipping post of our personal and collective ignorance and unwillingness to change.

The human race remains a breeding ground for violence of all types, with its traumatic impacts upon all of us. For the last forty years, the United States has created its subculture where the traumatic wounding of innocent people has become approved, normalized, and institutionalized within our culture, under the umbrella of the tragically misunderstood 2nd Constitutional Amendment… We are culturally inculcated into ignoring the distressing objects of our perceptions by the scapegoating of others and denying our unconscious support in the very reality that we are witnessing, and, perhaps, violently reacting against… Pretending not to see or not speak of the evil that we see or hear results in no healing potential for anyone.

Several recent news articles and studies have indicated that there has been an epidemic of younger, white, middle-class men who have been dying at earlier ages than would be statistically forecast for at least the past 30 years. There are many references to environmental causes, gun violence, the opioid/fentanyl epidemic, painkiller addiction, heroin addiction, alcohol abuse, or poor diets as leading causal agents. There is also the so-called “white man’s despair,” an expression recently coined that encompasses a wide range of unhappy and unhealed American white male attitudes and behaviors.  

I have seen, and I believe at the deepest level of my being, that this disease in the mind of humankind is directly related to many of the diseases within the body of humankind. There is a disease of the human spirit that has targeted and used masculinity for thousands of years to victimize everybody, all in the name of religion, progress, security, and economic growth. We don’t need to look too far to see the insanity and disease around us.

• mass murders,
• early deaths,
• suicides,
• drug addiction,
• alcoholism,
• rape and abuse of women and children,
• extinction of species, and
• destruction of our world’s ecological balance

We will continue to a very bleak future unless this world awakens and rebels against the prevailing dark attitudes and resultant traumatic influences being wrought upon our dying culture and the damaged planet. Significant issues are bubbling under the surface of our American society, much like the magma within an angry volcano preparing for a cataclysmic blast. Our present-day political dialogue around the BIG LIE of the 45th president and the conspiracy of silence by many from the fringes and in the mainstream of the Republican Party shows the traumatic influence that politicians and their support groups, ideologies, and actions may have on the general public.

Does anybody still think that the suicide victim, lone wolf arsonist, abusive alcoholic, mentally ill person shot by a policeman, drug overdose victim, morbidly obese person, criminally corrupted national politician and/or reality TV star, or mass murderer, is a unique being, with no relationship to the rest of the very humanity that spawned him? As a culture, we need to remember that the traumatized of our culture, the mentally ill, the diseased and damaged population, which includes the addicts and the alcoholics, are society’s canaries in the gold mine.  Underground miners know that canaries get sick and die when conditions become too unsafe to continue working. So, too, should concerned citizens pay attention to the signs of its most defenseless citizens as they continue to be exposed to society’s most toxic aspects.

We are all susceptible to the damages incurred by spiritual asphyxiation should we neglect to listen to the stories being told by our most vulnerable family members. The sensitive and the oppressed of our culture define the leading edge of the journey of our own shared human experience and are indicators of our collective spiritual condition. As a culture, we need to remember that the traumatized are society’s canaries in the mine. Their diminished lives are direct evidence of a cultural disease, and they become part of the cultural and spiritual dysfunction narrative.

The conspiracy of silence is built right into the framework of our collective consciousness. Dead men tell no tales, but the nearly dead MUST continue to tell their stories, with respect for themselves and others, until our civilization finally wakes up. To not express ourselves honestly and openly results in our early demise, spiritually as well as physically, and contributes to the conspiracy of silence institutionalized within our culture. We must penetrate that silent conspiracy and bring the light of a loving heart and healing words to the hidden darkness. Can we examine our sense of self, with our historical wounding and suffering, and look at it honestly and openly with ourselves and others? We can then bring hope to all other canaries in our society who are now struggling for air.

Religion and trauma: 

The Christian religion is supposed to offer some sort of healing option for our damaged and diseased humanity. Yet, historically, its often wayward practitioners create further imbalances through their continuing allegiance to patriarchal values and their institution’s superstitious reasoning, fear of science, historical ignorance, and continuing spiritual degradation. Awakening people and those tired of being bullied and burned by the collective ignorance and indifference of institutions are finally starting to pay attention to themselves and their suffering and making other choices for the community of the spirit.

The Christian church has promoted for centuries the idea that we are all byproducts of original sin, that we are sinners, and that our only salvation lies in believing that Jesus Christ died for our sins. Somehow, our dirty slate is cleaned if we believe in Jesus and the mythology attributed to him strongly enough. Otherwise, we all share in the same shame and guilt that the rest of humanity wallows in while living a Jesus-free life. In this understanding, we are required to accept the religious world’s understanding of sins as our own while also believing the Christian church’s assumptions, thus traumatizing ourselves by this act of spiritual misunderstanding and violence against our innocent self. The truth here is that much of the Christian world would still set a Barnabas-type criminal free to wreak havoc and trauma upon the world rather than let a saintly figure have free reign (see the white Evangelical movement and its controversial and corrupt promotion and support of the 45th president). Our present world situation continues to display this sad, profound reality.

Pastor Mark Burns, a loyal supporter of former President Donald Trump and a Republican congressional candidate has said that parents and teachers who communicate with children about LGBTQ issues pose a “national security threat” to the United States and add that those found guilty of “treason” should be executed. He also said that Congress should relaunch the House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC) to hold people “accountable for treason,”

Our spiritual maladjustment to the troubled marriage of our Capitalist economic system with the Christian religion has created the perfect conditions for our population to

• Traumatize each other, our sacred land and sea-based life, and upset our entire planetary balance while destroying its land, plants, and animals, all in the spirit of the outdated biblical adage” be fruitful, and multiply” and
• Encourage greed fueled income stratification and the proliferation of cultural indifference paradigms, ignoring or minimizing the needs of low-income households, their babies and young children, senior citizens, the disabled, immigrants, and
• Practice of violence against others through war, oppression, racism, misogyny, homophobia, and
• Guarantee MAD or mutual assured destruction with the proliferation of weapons of war on our streets and other unregulated firearms caused by 2nd Amendment adherent’s lies and misrepresentations
• Practice violence against the self through repression, overeating, addictive cycles, and suicide.

We have institutionalized and normalized self-destructive narratives and fantasies, and these are most resistant to any form of collective reasoning or change. Some citizen activists become so frustrated by the lack of progress in our culture in addressing inequity and injustice that they despair and lose enthusiasm for their causes. Some may resort to violence and other outward forms of chaos. Others continue the spiritual work on themselves, hoping that a new evolutionary imperative starting with each individual will eventually lead to a collective healing response. This is my motivation for continuing this chapter of this book, a book that has become a life mission for me.

Be mindful, oh Mankind, of all of the painful secrets that we must keep, 

For, by our suffering silence, we will not awaken but just die alone, powerless, and asleep.

Like most of us, I have suffered under the effects of patriarchy-inspired intergenerational trauma. I have had many interpersonally inspired and general traumatic events in my life; thus, I have first-hand knowledge of their potential and actual impacts. Trauma results in damage to, or loss of, connection to ourselves, to our bodies, to our families, to others, and to the world around us. This disconnection is often problematic to recognize because it doesn’t always happen simultaneously but over time. We make early accommodations to our traumas, with the wounds and our need to feel safer and more secure, creating spinoffs of our authentic selves that were designed to manage our suffering and reduce further attacks upon ourselves. These spinoffs become aspects of our defense mechanisms and dominate our awareness to the point of making us believe that this is all we are, in spirit and truth. The damage wrought by the original wounding often does not become evident for decades after the initial trauma.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

― C.G. Jung

Traumatic wounding is more than just physical injury; it encompasses the deep psychological scars that can forever alter a person’s life. This topic hits close to home for me, as I have witnessed firsthand the devastating impact it can have on individuals, families, and communities. I continue to shed light on the importance of understanding, acknowledging, and addressing the profound consequences of traumatic wounding. Traumatic wounding has far-reaching effects on mental health. It can shatter one’s sense of safety, trust, and self-worth. Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and a range of other mental health conditions often emerge as individuals grapple with the aftermath of trauma. Moreover, the impact extends beyond the individual, affecting families, friends, and communities. 

One of the most significant barriers to addressing traumatic wounding is the lack of understanding and awareness surrounding trauma. Many people still dismiss or downplay the profound impact it can have on an individual’s life. It is crucial to examine the societal factors that contribute to traumatic situations. Patriarchal values and toxic masculinity play a significant role in perpetuating trauma. By suppressing emotions and promoting aggression, we create environments that are breeding grounds for traumatic experiences. Moreover, war, natural disasters, accidents, and the death of loved ones can inflict deep wounds on individuals and societies. 

Like most of us, I have had many traumatic events in my life. I can never forget the fear and pain I experienced getting whipped by a belt from the ages of four through thirteen, the helpless and terrified feeling after being bullied and threatened with anal sex by the 13-year-old son of a babysitter when I was nearly 5 years old, being bullied by male classmates into my freshman year of high school, the fear and confusion generated by religious irrationality around promising an eternity of punishment with hell for me being a sinner, the disgrace of being humiliated and betrayed by my father during a baseball game in which I was pitching at twelve years old, the horror of watching my first dog get run over by a car, the falling from the top of a seventy-foot fir tree and sustaining bad bruising from hitting every tree branch on my way down at nine years old, the witnessing of my great grandfather’s lifeless body as a seven-year-old, and the tortured endless nights of nightmares and bed wetting because of my fear of getting out of bed. I don’t remember having been a baby stored in a garaged car many cold evenings, though my parents and some of their acquaintances have confirmed that disturbing fact.

It is important to remember that when people are traumatized, their experience of this wounding is often beyond their capacity to communicate with others. This tends to keep victims very isolated because of the insecurity that this ineffability generates, even if in therapeutic settings. But the body has its language, and we may become weighed down over the unhealing years by trauma’s burden that must be carried. Our body posture can suffer; we may look down or away from people when looked at because of the shame that is felt. This disconnect from the body through shame and hiding may cause the person to almost completely lose touch with their body, and their behaviors will often indicate a lack of care and concern that might otherwise be present in a non-wounded person. Some develop internal narratives that make the victim fantasize about ways to reach out to others, even though they are horribly insecure about making any such contact.

One of the several subroutines or spinoffs that my consciousness ran resulted from accommodating early trauma that I experienced. This part of me was of the nature of the “savior” archetype, which was a part of myself that believed that, for anybody to ever love me, I would have to literally save them from death or do something heroic in nature. This fantasy became conscious briefly when I was about six years old. I no longer wonder where my need to overachieve or my excessive loyalty to other damaged human beings arose. This resulted in overpowering grief and incredible guilt and shame every time I witnessed failing health and/or death in friends and family members, including pets. I also could not tolerate abuse in any form, especially when I witnessed male friends exhibiting controlling and/or misogynistic behavior toward their female partners. Sadly, my needs ended more than one long-term friendship.

Like all others within our society, I have also been traumatized by our culture and religion in both profound and subtle ways. Trauma seems to be a natural outcome of our collisions with life-shattering events and less intense though destabilizing experiences that we were not able to adequately process and heal from at the time of their origin. It is now known that trauma can arise through actual acts or the careless or unconscious omission of necessary love at strategic life junctures. Yet, some even claim that there is no more significant trauma than our passage through the birth canal and that the rest of our lives are defined by our response to that expulsion from the safe womb of the mother. No matter how it happens, trauma must be understood and dealt with, or we will be limited by our instinctual responses to its experience..

Toxic Masculinity and Our Sacred Cows

Historically, men have established the rules of mutual engagement since at least the Greco-Roman times. Our world culture’s dominant male energy has a propensity for creating toxic and traumatic engagements. This kind of engagement results in patriarchal systems of political, religious, and economic understanding that maintain the status quo through a multitude of forms of oppression. Yet the status quo remains quite imbalanced, and it continues to bring harm, even to the proponents of these systems and the perpetrators of toxic behavior. To this day, men continue to struggle with trauma-inspired feelings of poor self-esteem, competitive burnout, and lack of meaning while keeping this disfiguring system of engagement with the world solidly in place.

Women can also perpetuate trauma and suffering, but the statistics are evident as to which sex is the primary perpetrator of crimes against self and others through intentional and unintentional traumatic assaults. As far as incidents of gun violence, men outpace women by an almost 20 to 1 ratio, so it is not even close. Men are the primary vehicles for the delivery of darkness, and they are impacted by the poisoning within their spiritual ecosystem that carrying such energy would predispose them to. Yet, both passive and aggressive males and females can benefit from understanding the effects of trauma in their own lives, and we can all take enormous strides to bring healing to ourselves.

Here are some principles of trauma and culturally inspired toxic masculinity that live in our collective consciousness and which also once lived in the unconscious domains of my mind and heart. I have exaggerated them and linked them with typical monetary, sexual, and personal power dynamics. These principles, or variations of these themes, are part of the common knowledge or cultural collective consciousness, and are fundamentals for the erroneous understanding of self and others.

1. I am the center of the Universe. The rest of humanity is here either for my pleasure, profit, or disdain. I may attend a church occasionally to create the impression that I worship a higher power than myself. But I already know that there is no higher power than me. Humility is not an option for me; that’s only for the poor and weak among us.
2. Truly loving another human being is a sign of weakness, and thus I must continue to suppress all such impulses so that I can achieve my selfish goals. I will carry on a campaign of hatred, judgment, and condemnation of all people, unlike myself, all the while claiming to represent their interests at the highest level of my being (with subtlety if one is of the passive/aggressive nature). The ignorant people populating my world will hopefully associate my hateful behavior with their understanding of what love is, thus damaging the hearts and souls of all who may fear, respect, and/or follow me. My schizophrenia will be confusing to others but may still be normalized as the people I influence model and support my behavior.
3. People and Mother Nature itself are most valuable if they can be monetized. If I can’t make money from my relationship with people or our natural surroundings, I don’t necessarily need them. They will have to prove that they belong in my life in some other selfish, self-serving ways. I neglect the long-term effects of my short-sighted thinking because now is the only moment to profit from others and the Earth.
4. Never admit that I am wrong. Always blame somebody else for my problems. Admitting guilt is a sign of weakness and only for those who do not have sufficient monetary and legal power. I don’t need your forgiveness for my mistakes because, as far as you should be concerned, I do not ever make mistakes.
5. I have a right to choose how much drugs and alcohol I consume. I do not need feedback from others telling me that I am abusing my medicine and/or alcohol. I have earned the right to drink as much as I feel like because I have so much stress in my life, and I make so many sacrifices that I deserve an extra break and release through excessive alcohol and/or drug consumption. I do not have a problem, and if you think I have a problem with my chemicals, then it is your misunderstanding, not mine.
6. Never spend any time in self-reflection or meditation. Developing insight is difficult and time-consuming, and I have more important things to do. I am already perfect; I have always been perfect, and everybody else needs to change to accommodate my needs. If I am not perfect today, I always have someone or something else to blame.
7. I have a right to use my strong emotions to intimidate and threaten anybody that I need to get my way. My anger is a weapon to be wielded whenever necessary, and its expression is my first selection from my arsenal of tools for manipulating and controlling my world.
8. Suppose I can’t get my way with another human being. In that case, I will cajole or bully them into submission, attack their name and character, and/or impugn their dignity until they either submit or are discredited by my allies.
9. Everybody, unlike me, should be distrusted. Relationships built through mutual trust and collaboration can threaten my short-term goals. They should not be cultivated, as only alliances of hate and distrust can bring me to my goals.
10. The women in our lives are more suited to be our personal possessions than self-sufficient, independent people, and they should not be treated as equals. They are better suited for exploitation for family support, sexual purposes, and/or economic gain.
11. If I can’t get through truth-telling, telling lies becomes my most potent weapon. If I am caught in a lie, then it is only your misunderstanding of my point and not what I said that is wrong. If I tell the same lie often enough, people will start to accept the lie as the truth.
12. Suppose there is no conflict currently in progress. In that case, I must start creating the conditions for the next one and socially position myself to maximize my emotional profits and visibility.
13. I never will obtain enough money, power, sex, or attention to keep me happy. I must continue to pursue these needs to extremes to keep myself from becoming depressed and losing my sense of personal value in this world. If I achieve my goals and am still unhappy, I must set new goals to attempt to fill that big hole in my heart and soul.
14. The powers of my penis reign supreme. When it is erect, it always points me in the right direction, regardless of the people who may be hurt by my wayward sexual desires. My self-esteem depends on how many women I can convince to make love to me, and nobody is immune from my advances. One is too many, and a thousand is not enough when it comes to sexual conquests.
15. I am the king of my home. I have created my kingdom to serve my selfish needs. If my rules are not honored, my intentions for the family do not hold up, and family members start to stray, I will coerce, cajole, or threaten all wayward members with violence, if necessary. The family must stay together under my control, regardless of the cost to others.
16. Perfectionism and complete control of others should not be mutually exclusive propositions. I will judge, criticize, and condemn others and myself as needed to align my world with how I think it should be. I will compare and contrast my wealth and success with others to establish the best baseline for my expectations and behavior. My wife and my children are, first and foremost, my possessions. I will direct and control as necessary, and nobody else has any right to criticize my choices in how I provide and care for them. My self-esteem derives from how deeply they honor and obey me without argument or backtalk. I do not want or need alternate points of view, as mine is the only relevant one.
17. If those closest to me engage in betrayal and destroy my sacred relationship with my family, I must avenge myself and destroy all who have threatened my life and values. My wife is my property, and my property is alone. If she should ever have an affair with another man, I reserve the right to punish her and my family, up to and including murdering them. If I must die in the process, it is a good death for me.
18. Self-sabotage is my unconscious need as I fail to achieve my goals. It is my right to destroy my creations even as I kill myself, so murder-suicide is an acceptable option when my needs have been dishonored, and I feel that I have no more options to achieve my goals and improve my life situation.
19. I’m a failure because I never measured up to my father’s, my church’s, or my society’s standards. I will continue to self-sabotage my success at every bend in life’s road and see life as a self-fulfilling prophecy of incompleteness and loss. I will not even question that my life has other possibilities, and I will resign myself to my depressing fate.
20. I reserve the right to murder anybody when it suits my needs to protect myself. I will justify my possession and use of firearms by quoting the Second Amendment of the Constitution, as well as pointing to the fear and threats in our world and our country as my justification for stockpiling weapons. I will not listen to reason, as my mind is made up, and you can have my guns after “prying them from my cold, dead hands.”

This abbreviated list touches upon several aspects of our collective toxicity and selfishness and does not cover the entire range of patriarchy’s and capitalism’s  long shadow and tempoal darkness. Men burdened by toxicity create situations where traumatic events are much more likely to occur. Toxic men tend toward more sexism, racism, isolation, poor judgment against all others unlike themselves, and low self-esteem.

There are several fears and avoidance behaviors that many traumatized and/or toxic men make in their efforts to cope with an often distressing and threatening life experience. They may fear being seen negatively or receiving a negative evaluation by those people familiar to them. They may fear being placed in an unfamiliar situation over which they have no control. They have developed a trauma-inspired brain that seeks to avoid any experience that reminds them of a time when they were helpless and unable to escape threats or discomforts. They spend extraordinary amounts of time perfecting the passive-aggressive role, where they don’t reveal themselves directly to others but instead make their presence known through secretive behavior and hiding activities. The converse may also predominate, where they may act aggressively and irrationally in situations where they feel an impending loss of control. They may become overly competitive with others while trying to achieve goals that society has conditioned them to believe are worthwhile.

Men typically inflict their wounding on everybody else in subtle or not-so-subtle ways. Usually, this manifests in dominating or being dominated by others. Philosophies of oppression and the monetization of reality arise out of this wounding. Women and children may be victimized, as well as those with non-confrontational or sensitive natures.

We may participate in trauma-inspired anxiety reactions or accommodations to our wounding, such as:

1. Don’t answer or initiate phone calls. (After all, the phone is the heaviest object in the Universe!)
2. Be silent or shut down after brief sharing whenever in group settings, such as family events or community gatherings. (They didn’t want to hear what I had to say anyway!)
3. Hide from complicated feelings through overeating or excessive drinking of alcohol. (Hey, these are two prized self-treatment options, what gives here?)
4. Hyperactivity and vigilance around keeping a safe position in restaurants, religious events, or social encounters. (Keep that exit in sight; you never know when you might need to run for it!)
5. Being apologetic for almost anything negative around us, even if we are not at fault. (It is sometimes a race to get to the victim’s role first!)
6. Poor self-esteem, not caring for oneself, instead focusing on others. Ignore the self, often to the point of masochistic emotional abuse.
7. Ignoring our feelings (especially anger) and warning signals from our bodies, not communicating honestly with others, avoiding complicated feelings and perceptions, and maintaining people-pleasing behavior.
8. Fighting “terminal uniqueness” that inspires feelings and perceptions like “Why am I the only one feeling this way?”, “am I losing my mind?” and “I am such a failure”.
9. Excess competitiveness with others while engaging with greed and needing to keep up with the Jones. (Capitalism is a collective and individual mindset, after all.)
10. Proving self-worth in environments where we and others are disrespected and trying to fit in where we don’t belong.
11. Stockpiling weapons. (You never know when you might need to become a one-man militia.)
12. Not speaking up for ourselves or for others who are oppressed for fear of being marginalized.
13. Over immersion in entertainment.
14. Not exercising and not respecting the body’s needs.
15. Use of recreational drugs to the point of habituation (including marijuana).
16. Smoking, vaping, or chewing tobacco.
17. Using sex as a way to manipulate others, to artificially build self-esteem, or as a disguise for loneliness.
18. Workaholism, perfectionism.
19. Addiction to risky behaviors and activities in general.
20. Having pet peeves that over-activate us, or being easily triggered emotionally by the need to wait, or being ignored or interrupted in conversation (well, it did not feel good in childhood, we can make these triggers work while in adulthood.)

These attitudes and behaviors are guaranteed to bring poor emotional and physical health to the damaged ones, and they only encourage further repression and traumatizing of ourselves. Life can be a complicated challenge, and our responses determine whether we can maintain reasonable health and a sense of joy and well-being or collapse into a deteriorating life situation.

The possibility of bringing balance and a sense of wholeness into life must be embraced, and conscious movements toward healing will significantly reduce trauma’s burden upon us. When healing from the impacts of trauma is not pursued in earnest, many adverse outcomes become possible. Some become addicted to the idea that their only function is to provide for their family, and, having achieved success or failure, they become disillusioned. Some may eventually lose their sense of meaning and direction in life with the loss of a career, marriage, or community, or become easily disillusioned with success in those arenas. They may become lonely and depressed and may develop profound mental illness and/or become addicted to drugs and alcohol if not treated. Those who somehow hang in there, whilecwaiting for a better day, may never see it.

As the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu said,

“We are made for goodness. We are greatness in the making.”

How can we achieve that goodness again?

Facing Your Trauma and Returning to Goodness

Suffering comes in many forms and has many causal agents. Suffering eventually touches all of us through its many different manifestations. Suffering may arise:

• as a direct result of trauma experienced at any point in life;
• through living a meaningless life;
• with a resistance to change and evolution;
• through an act of intentional hostility by others;
• through incurable diseases of the body or mind;
• spontaneously as a reaction to the vicissitudes of life;
• from an inability to do what is right;
• after witnessing horrific acts of violence;
• from the failure to reconcile the belief in God with one’s grief and loss;
• from becoming addicted to substances that were designed to take our pain away;
• from the perceived inability to speak one’s truth;
• from not having one’s voice heard in the face of oppressive powers;
• from contemplating the continuation of our daily pains into a distant, unknown future;
• or from continued bullying or threatening behavior from peers, employers, religions, politicians, or family members.

Many causes of suffering are preventable, however, and they originate within poor training, education, and awareness by our family and culture and our resultant broken, unhealed minds.

Each human child depends upon the quality of love, safety, and prosperity of the family household, which are primary factors that significantly influence a growing child’s evolutionary path through consciousness. The parents are, by intention, also designers, builders, and co-creators of the early life and consciousness of the new child, even if the DNA determines a more significant portion of the heritage. My father spent five years at a local university learning about psychology, child development, logic, philosophy, and religion. Yet his successful mastering of these subjects in school did not translate into insight into how to best parent his children. My mother studied Dr. Spock and others, yet did not develop the insight necessary to know that placing a blanket-wrapped, crying baby in a car in the garage at night so Dad could sleep missed the bull’s eye for perfect child care by the widest of margins. All creators strive for perfection, and most parents are no exception. Yet, that desire for excellence is difficult to identify in dysfunctional families, especially in children who were negatively impacted by chronic parental mismanagement. Victims of wounding carry the pain well into adulthood, and even unto death, in situations where the trauma is never made conscious or addressed in a loving, healing manner.

So, how do we deal with our wounding or seek healing now that the damage is done?

I have included five quotes that capture much of humanity’s spirit when directly challenged by pain-inducing, emotionally troubling situations. All five quotes fit into humanity’s “fight or flight” instinctual responses to threats, but remember, there is a spectrum of possible behavioral responses between fight and flight.

1. “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”—–Dr. Seuss
2. We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.”—General Douglas MacArthur “
3. Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you. They’re supposed to help you discover who you are.”—-Bernice Johnson Reagon
4. “The underbelly of the human psyche, often referred to as our dark side, is the origin of every act of self-sabotage. Birthed out of shame, fear, and denial, it misdirects our good intentions and drives us to unthinkable acts of self-destruction and not-so-unbelievable acts of self-sabotage.-“—-Debbie Ford “
5. Oh, shadow boxer of evil, when will you ever tire? It is the champion of a lonely dream world to which you aspire! Stop resuscitating those dead illusions with your mental pugilist blows. Your healing life will then reveal the One that Peace eternally knows!”—-the author

Through these five quotes, we can see several options available for addressing all of the traumas, threats, or attacks against us that we have faced throughout our lives. As a response to each of the above quotes, we may:

• (1) fight our foes and engage in continuous struggle and confrontation with our problems,
• (2) run away from them if we are not yet up to the challenge,
• (3) become paralyzed by them and a passive witness while waiting for a better day to address them
• (4) deny their existence or believe all is well, even while experiencing cognitive dissonance.
• (5) develop insight into them, and thus find a healing peace. Face them directly with honesty by seeing ourselves through the mirror of our relationships with the people who have been perceived as the source of threats to us.

These five options are not mutually exclusive, and through healing intention, they may be embraced singly, in several different combinations, or all may become united in a powerful healing synergy. The primary question derived through our reaction to quotes #1-#5 may become:

• (1) Do I have the physical and emotional capacity to defend myself against the assaults leveled against me by others?
• (2) Can I accept that sometimes falling back and reevaluating where I am can make me stronger in the long run?
• (3) Rather than remaining a passive, indifferent, or even paralyzed witness to life, can I find why I have closed down to other proactive possibilities and choices for experiencing life?
• (4) How do I stop burning my spiritual house down again?
• (5) What is my responsibility for the creation and the continuation of whatever problems that I am currently facing?

Trauma and its wounding results in extreme contraction of our spirit. We fail to develop the capacity to move freely through our lives, instead remaining tethered to the pillories of our painful pasts until we become willing to face ourselves and our grief, traumas, and suffering.

“And the Day Came When the Risk to Remain Tight In a Bud Was More Painful Than the Risk It Took to Blossom.—Anais Nin

For those who may need help to refresh their memories or understand if healing from trauma should be a serious consideration, taking the following test may be of assistance. The Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Questionnaire is ten questions to help people identify their childhood experiences of abuse and neglect. Here is the questionnaire.

Before your eighteenth birthday:

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid you might be physically hurt? No___If Yes, enter 1__
2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? Or ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured? No___If Yes, enter 1__
3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you sexually touch their body? Attempt or have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you? No___If Yes, enter 1__
4. Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other? No___If Yes, enter 1__
5. Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? Or your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it? No___If Yes, enter 1__
6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced? No___If Yes, enter 1__
7. Was your mother or stepmother: Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife? No___If Yes, enter 1__
8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic or who used street drugs? No___If Yes, enter 1__
9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? No___If Yes, enter 1 __
10. Did a household member go to prison? No___If Yes, enter 1__

Suppose you answered more than two questions in the affirmative. In that case, you are potentially predisposed to a cluster of poor health choices, continued traumatizing of self and others, suffering within the self, and creating a generally troubled life experience. The embodied stress of trauma causes cortisol to be injected into the bloodstream for, potentially, decades, causing stress and inflammation-related illness and disease. These ten questions should not be considered to indicate that there are only ten situations where trauma may arise, as experts in trauma and your personal experience, and mine, show that there are many other potential sources for deep wounding.

In our collective human experience, trauma can leave a lasting impact on our well-being. From emotional scars to physical health consequences, the effects of trauma are far-reaching and demand our attention. The groundbreaking Kaiser 1995 study on trauma, delved into the link between trauma and health issues, and discussed various healing methods to aid recovery. Whether you’re a mental health professional, a trauma survivor, or simply interested in mental health and wellness, my intention is to shed light on the profound effects of trauma and offer guidance for healing and recovery.

The Kaiser 1995 study was a significant milestone in trauma research in uncovering valuable insights about the long-term impact of traumatic experiences. This study shed light on the connection between trauma and various health issues, highlighting the need for comprehensive trauma-informed care.

The Kaiser 1995 study revealed several key findings that emphasize the undeniable link between trauma and health:

• Trauma survivors are more likely to experience mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
• Physical health consequences, including chronic pain, cardiovascular problems, and autoimmune disorders, were prevalent among trauma survivors.

Understanding these findings is crucial in recognizing the widespread impact of trauma and the necessity for integrated approaches to healing.

Trauma can profoundly affect both our mental and physical well-being. The psychological effects of trauma can manifest as intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and emotional dysregulation, leading to impaired daily functioning. Moreover, trauma survivors often grapple with physical health challenges, including sleep disturbances, gastrointestinal issues, and compromised immune function. Recognizing this connection is vital in providing holistic support and treatment for trauma survivors.

Here are some general examples of stressful events that can result in childhood trauma:

• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Verbal abuse
• Emotional neglect
• Generally dysfunctional family
• Bullying
• School shooting
• Community violence
• Accidents/serious injuries
• Forced separation from parents
• Chronic illness
• Divorce of caregivers
• Cult membership
• Witnessing domestic violence
• Kidnapping
• Natural disasters 

In the scientific journal Psychoneuroendocrinology, a Canadian study found that individuals exposed to adverse childhood experiences tended to be biologically older than their counterparts. The authors considered whether accelerated biological aging could help explain the relationship between adverse childhood experiences and poor health outcomes later in life. Their findings suggest that harm, such as abuse or violence, in early life takes many forms and can lead to health consequences many years down the road. The researchers found that the link between adverse childhood experiences and biological age was stronger for more severe forms of adversity, such as physical and sexual abuse.

I scored high on the ACE test. As a child, I had several health issues, and I was restless, discontented, and suffered from a feeling of not being heard or entirely accepted. My parents and my culture tried to convince me that their paths and understandings were righteous. I was told countless times to pick myself up by my bootstraps and be mature enough to understand and find where I fit in this challenging place.

The most significant trauma to the human soul is the early damage to our sense of self that causes poor self-esteem and all of the compensating behavior that occurs downstream from the wounding. All of our memories created downstream from traumatic wounding are impacted. Without even knowing it, we negatively influence or traumatize others with variations of our original trauma. If our trauma establishes a sense of self that is insecure and feels unloved or unlovable, our relationships will be held back by just that much. They will not dynamically evolve to the fullest of their innate potential. We remain pilloried to the past and lost within the unconscious response patterns of a mind trapped in the labyrinth of our unspoken suffering.

Trauma and suffering are not synonymous, though suffering may arise from failure to directly address traumatic wounding, which only leads to more suffering and the unconscious predisposition toward creating new traumatic life events. And most of these assaults against our Spirit originate within the family. However, environmental influences, corrupted societal norms, and religious malfeasance also play significant roles in the origin and proliferation of traumatic wounding.

My first thirty-one years of life reflected the internalized horror of a life suppressed and traumatized by the conspiracy of silence, a silence created by my misguided need to preserve and protect a limited, damaged image of self and all others. We know all too well where we are now, and we have options for those who do not like their present state of awareness.

Dealing with Your Trauma

Meditation is one way to access the trauma stored in the body. My friend Paul, during a meditation experience in the early 1990s, literally saw a small semi-human form, vaguely resembling his young self, erupt from a historical wound in his back, crawl up to his shoulder, and fly away. Thirty years of back pain disappeared through that extraordinary exercise facilitated by Jerry Jones, the famous meditation teacher.

In 1987, during a profound meditation, I was also shown two complete identity matrices attached to my bodily energy field. I did not recognize them as creations from damaged parts of myself. I was ignorant of trauma and its potential impact at the time, and all I could do was note that they were not there for my greater good. I intuitively knew them to be tricksters. They stayed with me for years afterward, for I did not know what to do with the information. I did not realize it then, but I performed a spiritual bypass where I could postpone dealing directly with them until I had the requisite insight and knowledge to do so effectively.

If it weren’t for the incredible spiritual strength and wisdom of my life partner, Sharon White, I would not have experienced an incredibly cathartic event. It was on a Thursday morning in February 2018, and I was preparing to attend the Pilates class that Sharon and I attended. I wanted to get there early so we could warm up on an exercise bicycle with some aerobic activity.

But while I was ready to go, Sharon was talking with a friend on the telephone. Trying to be innocent, I said, “Can we go now?” And she got mad. Her anger released in me the trapped energy of a lifetime. While raging at her, I became aware of a pain so deep and so all-encompassing that it conjured anger from a source that I had never touched before, at least as a verbally conscious human being. Sharon and I went our separate ways for a few hours while we tried to understand what had transpired. Leading up to this experience, I had been intensely exploring the entirety of my life, having written seventy pages about my early childhood and trauma, my maturation process, and addictive and self-destructive cycles. All of this writing had placed me, without me realizing it, into the psychic world of all of my past pain and suffering.

After meditation, I had a realization. My wounded essence and the issues stored in my bodily tissues had actually cried out for the first time, and I listened to it without my ego repressing it as it had for sixty-one years. And I also saw, for the first time, the wounding process that I shared with my father. I felt incredible compassion, love, and acceptance for my father, who had also suffered immensely under the spiritually destructive parenting of his diseased parents.

Sharon and I paid the price for a couple of hours while I acknowledged the wounded baby within me. But, I had an insight that still informs me daily. I saw how we, as humans, need to be listened to unreservedly.  We often keep layering ourselves and our ideas upon what somebody else is saying rather than meeting the being where they are and responding according to the dictates of our heart center, which in most people, especially men, has been scabbed over by our early spiritual wounding.

My life has transformed from a trauma-induced static state of distress and emotional stagnation to a dynamic, ever-changing experience of life’s infinite possibilities for healing, new perceptions, and enhanced spiritual experiences. I say yes to the present state of evolving enlightenment and no to the diseased mind stuck in the past.

Here are some other options for healing:

• Create a visual timeline. Write onto a piece of paper, a long piece of paper, the years of your life. Start with the birth year and carry it forward to the present moment.
• Listen to music from the time when the wounding occurred. It will open up emotional vistas, using the wholeness of the self.
• Write extensively about the time in question.
• Work in conjunction with a therapist trained in traumatic wounding.
• Perform a ceremony that indicates finding the wounds and freeing them from our tissues.
• Listen to the stories from family members, friends of the family, and, especially, friends of the parents who may have witnessed aspects of your upbringing.
• Engage in legally sanctioned Indigenous plant medicine workshops where the controlled and conscious use of trauma-reducing psychedelics is allowed.
• Have an incredibly supportive partner or a therapist to watch with you the emotions that arise during the turbulent periods of the introspection.
• Decide to make amends to the world for unconsciously wounding events that were Initiated by ourselves while in our unhealed, unconscious state.

Freedom from Trauma Now and in the Future

Trauma must be recognized for what it is, which is psychological wounding as a result of a single experience, the repetition of similar experiences many times, or a combination of different experiences that have attacked one’s safety and security over an extended period. It is an assault against our innocence, an oppressive act or series of actions against our essence, and the unskilled way we have dealt with it becomes the source of much of our repressive tendencies and sufferings. Whether we remember the traumatic event or not, our bodies remember, and the wounding is stored within the very tissues of our biological self

Not expressing ourselves honestly and openly results in our early demise, spiritually as well as physically. Many people within our society have lost all freedom of choice. I have much compassion for those who still struggle with the sometimes-lifelong effects of trauma with its resultant suffering and its deadly spawns of fear, indifference to others, disassociation from oneself, mental illness, and alcoholism/drug addiction. Fortunately, we have other places to travel to find our healing, and there already are awakening people to observe and learn from, to gain hints on how to find our way back home to our innate goodness.

We must stop turning away from our own and each other’s trauma and suffering. Can we bring our sense of self, with all of our historical wounding and suffering, and look at it honestly and openly with ourselves and others? When we work through this challenging process, with the insight into ourselves and each other that we gain, we can arrive at the doors of forgiveness, not only for ourselves but for our parents and for our diseased culture and religions. We must remember that our parents did the best job they could in the era they did it. And they often fell far short of minimally acceptable behavior based on today’s understanding of good parenting techniques. If there is no more turning away from the historical lineage of suffering and trauma, we can permanently disrupt the conspiracy of silence that continues to dominate our civilization.

We must remember our parents and our culture.

• Raised us while still living in their unresolved trauma.
• Could not understand us and the effects of our wounding, because they could not.
• Could not teach us specific skills because no such training or understanding existed.
• They were emotionally and spiritually unavailable because they had never been taught otherwise.
• They did their best with the little they knew while following the norms of the era in which they existed.

Trauma wounds run deep, affecting the very fabric of our being. But healing is possible. There are various approaches to healing trauma wounds and delving into the self-awareness needed to navigate the impact of toxic masculinity on this journey. Recognizing and addressing trauma is essential for fostering overall well-being. The Kaiser 1995 study showed us the lasting impact of trauma on mental and physical health. It is crucial to provide trauma-informed care and support to those who have experienced trauma. Seeking professional help, such as therapy or medication, is vital in healing and recovery.

Healing from trauma is a unique and individual process. What works for one person may not work for another. It takes courage, patience, and support to navigate the healing path. If we or someone we know has experienced trauma, reach out to a mental health professional who can provide guidance and support on this journey towards healing and recovery. There is hope and healing on the other side of trauma. We are not alone; we can reclaim our lives and thrive again with the right resources and support. Healing from trauma requires intentional effort and support. 

Here are some actionable steps we can take on our healing journey:

• Implement self-care practices that nurture our mind, body, and soul.
• Seeking professional help from a qualified therapist experienced in trauma work.
• Promote open conversations about masculinity, challenging harmful stereotypes, and fostering healthier norms.

Recovery from trauma is a unique and deeply personal journey. Fortunately, there are various effective methods available to aid in healing. Let’s explore some of these approaches:

• Therapy: Therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), can be instrumental in healing from trauma. Therapy offers a path toward healing and growth by providing a safe space to process emotions and develop coping strategies. CBT is a widely recognized therapeutic approach that helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns. It provides practical tools to reframe beliefs and develop healthier coping mechanisms, leading to significant healing and personal growth.
• Mindfulness and Meditation: Mindfulness practices, including meditation and deep breathing, can help trauma survivors develop self-awareness, self-compassion, and emotional regulation. These techniques foster present-moment awareness and promote a sense of calm and grounding. Practicing mindfulness and meditation allows individuals to cultivate present-moment awareness and develop a compassionate, non-judgmental attitude towards their experiences. These techniques have been shown to reduce stress, improve emotional regulation, and facilitate healing from trauma.
• Insight into cultual toxicity;  To fully address trauma wounds, it is essential to understand the impact of toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity perpetuates harmful societal norms and expectations that can contribute to the creation of trauma. Suppose we are a man by being mindful and recognizing these patterns in our personal experiences. In that case, we can actively work towards dismantling toxic masculinity and creating a safer, more compassionate world.
• Combination of Therapy and Medication: In some cases, a combination of therapy and medication may be beneficial for trauma survivors. Medication, when prescribed and monitored by a healthcare professional, can help manage symptoms such as anxiety or depression, facilitating the healing process.
• EMDR is a specialized therapy designed to alleviate the distress caused by traumatic memories. Through guided eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps reprocess traumatic experiences, reducing their emotional impact and promoting healing.

Healing trauma wounds is a courageous and transformative journey. By embracing approaches such as CBT, EMDR, mindfulness, and self-care practices, we can nurture our resilience and reclaim our lives. Equally important is the self-awareness needed to recognize and challenge the pervasive influences of toxic masculinity. Together, let us strive for a future free from trauma wounds and toxic masculinity, where healing, growth, and compassion thrive.

Trauma wounds have a profound impact on our mental and emotional well-being. Acknowledging the importance of healing these wounds is the first step towards reclaiming our lives. Additionally, if we are men, we must recognize the role of toxic masculinity in the creation and perpetuation of trauma. By understanding and addressing this factor, we can foster a culture of healing and growth.

Engaging in self-care practices is crucial for trauma survivors. This may include activities such as exercise, spending time in nature, journaling, engaging in hobbies, or seeking support from loved ones. Prioritizing self-care helps create a nurturing environment for healing. 

Traumatic wounding leaves an indelible mark on individuals and communities. It is time for society to recognize the profound impact of trauma and to take action. We can create a more empathetic and trauma-informed society by fostering empathy, raising awareness, and implementing policy changes. Let us stand together, support trauma survivors, and work tirelessly to prevent future wounds. 

Healing calls for dismantling patriarchal values, promoting emotional intelligence and healthy expressions of masculinity, and actively working to prevent war, natural disasters, accidents, and the unnecessary and tragic premature deaths of loved ones. By prioritizing trauma-informed policies, we can create a society that not only responds to trauma but actively works to prevent it; we can create a world where healing, resilience, and compassion prevail.

Just say a resounding NO to all human negligence, hatred, and ignorance-inspired acts of trauma.

(According to NICABM, 95% of all trauma victims remain in denial,  have not sought out healing options, and continue to suffer in silence, often without even knowing why they hurt)

If I Could See The World (by Richard Pope, Sammy Masters, Tex Satterwhite)

If I could see the world through the eyes of a child, what a wonderful world this would be.

There would be no trouble and no strife, just a happy life, with a bluebird in every tree.

I could see right, no wrong, I could see good, no bad, I could see all good things in life I never had.

If I could see the world through the eyes of a child, what a wonderful world this would be.

If I could see the world through the eyes of a child, smiling faces would greet me all the while. Like a lovely work of art, it would warm my weary heart just to see through the eyes of a child. I could see right, no wrong; I could see good, no bad.

I could see all the good things in life that I never had.